S2: EP 6 How to Win The Loyalty of Your Children

Hey everybody, it's Richard Ramos and welcome back to the Parent Whisperer podcast. Today I want to talk about a subject that you've heard me mention before— loyalty— and how I believe it's a battle that is the number one battle that I think parents in America Maybe the world are dealing with because of social media. I talked about the art of deception, influence, and persuasion of social media influencers, and that's really what it's about. And one of the things we got to think about, mom and dad, if we want the loyalty of our children, the question is: Are we loyal parents? Are we loyal to them? And if you're taking the loyalty of your children for granted, I'm telling you, you're making a mistake. And so what I want to share with you is something that I teach in Parents on a Mission about how to win the loyalty of your children. What, what do you do? And of course, there's a lot of things you could do, but these are just 4 basic methods that I teach— simple things, doable things— that I want to go through with you. And the first one is Building a legacy statement. Now, legacy is talking about the future, talking about when you're gone. What is the legacy that you're living for? Who are you living your legacy for? Well, obviously, it's going to be our family. We could be living a legacy in the community and in other things if you have that kind of reach and that kind of influence. But right now we're talking about the parent-child relationship. That's what this podcast is all about. And so legacy is an important futuristic thought that you give to your life because you want to leave a legacy for your children to follow, maybe generation after generation. It's something that requires you to really think about your priorities, what you're living for, what your gifts and talents are, what you're accomplishing, what your priorities are. And it requires some thought to think about the legacy that you want to leave your family. Now, one of the reasons this is important is because it meets the need of your children to belong. I mean, that's just innate human need to belong. But the battle that I'm talking about that's happening on social media is they're influencing, as I've said many times already, influencing your kids away from you. Because if your kids do not feel that they belong in your family, in your blended family, they don't have that sense, that anchor of their soul, that they are part already of a, a, a something bigger than themselves, then they're susceptible. They're open to other suggestions and other enticing temptation things that somebody else might be inviting them to, to join, to become a part of, to pledge their allegiance to. But what we want is we want our kids to pledge their allegiance to us and to be loyal to us as parents and to our family values. And so when you build or develop a legacy statement, that gives your sons and daughters something to anchor their soul to. And if they're old enough, you might even discuss it with them and ask them those kinds of questions. You know, what are we about? What, what is the Ramos family legacy? What are we trying to achieve? Some people call it a mission statement. But a mission statement is more about today and the priorities of today and next year, which is good. But a legacy statement is more about the future. It's more about the generation. It's more about your children and your children's children, etc. So building a legacy. And it takes time to think through it and write it out. And of course, it's going to be a draft at first, but it's something that is doable. One of the things I encourage parents to do is to take a sheet of paper and along the left-hand column, just to use their last name as an acronym. So R, in our case, would be R-A-M-O-S, and use those letters. To describe what your family legacy is about. I've tried to impress upon my children to be a change agent in the community, a change agent in the life of their their friends, and if they're married and have children, in the life of their children. So our I put that what I used for that letter was revolutionary. Because a revolutionary is somebody that is going to change the status quo. You're not satisfied with the status quo. In my life, that's been about the community. It's been about youth violence, and it's been about the parent-child relationship. So that's just an example. And then you just go down each letter and you use each letter to describe what your legacy is. So, That's an idea. One thing you can do to create that legacy statement and anchor your children's soul and win their influence to the legacy of your family. The second thing you can do is create a mission statement, as I mentioned. Now, a mission statement is more, like I said, focused on Today's goals and tomorrow's goals and next week and next month and next year, looking ahead. And it's kind of the same process, except like I said, it's more about your current goals, roles and goals in your life. And what, what it does for your kids, it gives them a creed to live by, and it gives them a rudder a moral compass, so to speak. And so they're not just kind of like a piece of wood tossed into the ocean, just being tossed here and there as the waves go, you know, and storms and waves of life. No, but with a mission statement in that storm and waves of life, they have a rudder, they have a direction, they have a sail, they have control. of where they are going. And that's another way of winning their— winning their loyalty, another way of influencing their heart and their choice. And as I've said before, their gift of who they will pledge their allegiance to. A 3rd way that you can win the loyalty of your children Is what I call high touch versus high tech. Now today we live in the digital age, and it's normal for us to communicate with our children through text and email. Nothing wrong with that. That's how we stay in touch with our kids. We just send off an email, maybe if they're at work or we know they're in front of their computer, or when we're out and about in the car or anywhere else at a restaurant, or we just wanted touch base, we give them a text, and that's a great way to communicate. But I want to tell you this, those texts and emails, that high-tech doesn't compare to high-touch. And what I mean by high-touch is when you sit down and thoughtfully handwrite a note or a letter to your children. It could be on Christmas, it could be on their birthday, but you know what, the best ones, it doesn't have to be on any kind of special event. It's just a Monday morning, a Tuesday afternoon, a Friday night, and you're sitting down and you want to communicate to your child how much you love them, how much you appreciate them, what they contribute to your family. You know, whatever it might be. What I used to do with my kids, I would leave them a note when they were going to be cheerleading or in their football, baseball, or basketball, or ballet, whatever they were doing. And I would leave it where I know they could find it— in their shoe, in their helmet, in their bag. And I'm telling you that those notes, those handwritten notes— and it doesn't have to be long, it could be, it might, it could be a long letter depending on You know what's happening, but it doesn't have to be. It could be on a 3 by 5 card. You could put it in their lunch. You could put it anywhere under their pillow, anywhere where they're going to find it. And I'm telling you, those handwritten notes, those handwritten letters go a long way. They pay big dividends. Nothing wrong with text. Nothing wrong with email. High tech, but high tech does not come close to high touch. And the last thing I'll share with you as far as winning the loyalty of your children is to be a hero, to be their hero. Now you might say, well, Richard, to be a hero—I mean, my God! You know, what do I have to do to be the hero of my children? I just share 3 very simple things that are very doable. Now, we know as children, you know, we all had our heroes, and our children have their heroes. You know, the rock star, the athletic star, this— the movie star. You know, that's just normal, and that's, you know, fine. But I want to be the hero too. I always wanted to be the hero of my children. And I can say that, you know, thankfully each one of them at one time or another either wrote about it or told me that, that, that I am their hero. So what do you have to do? Number one is priorities. See, the choices that we make of how we spend our time, how we invest our time, says a lot about our priorities. And so when we make a commitment To the activities or the important events in the lives of our children, whether it be a graduation, something that big, or a ball game, or a rehearsal, or recital. And you choose to be there. You're telling your kids, you are my priority. I'm going to be there. Now, our children understand that we can't be at everything. They know that we work, we travel. We can't always make, you know, the 3 o'clock game or Or some other thing, or we had another commitment. They get that. But here's what hurts: is when they know mom or dad or mom and dad could have been there, but they chose not to be there. That's what hurts. In other words, something else took priority over your son or your daughter. But when we make them our priority, that's hero status. Number two is integrity. See, being a hero doesn't mean you have to be perfect, but it does mean you need to be honest. See my kids, as I said, you know they've told me I'm their hero, and that's very rewarding. But I want to tell you this: I know me, and my kids know me, and I am far from perfect. I've made a lot of mistakes. I've made some bad decisions. I've hurt them in ways and some of the decisions I've made in my life, and they know that, and I know that. But here's the thing: I've owned up. I've looked them in the eye and owned my mistake, and I've asked for forgiveness. I've apologized to them. See, that goes a long way when children see authority figures like mom and dad own their mistakes, own up to their wrong, admit we were wrong. Apologize and ask for forgiveness. That's hero status. And number 3 is crisis. It may not seem like a crisis to you, but if it's a crisis to them, we show up. And you don't have to have the right words. There's a lot of times when my kids, you know, or haven't— they— maybe it was a lost ball game or a broken relationship. I didn't know what to say. I didn't have the right words, but that's the whole thing. You don't have to. You don't have to fix it. I know we want to fix it. You know, we want to remove their pain. You know, it's painful for us to see our kids broken and crying and in pain, but you don't have to fix it or remove that pain. That's actually some of the stuff that helps them grow. But it's a crisis in their life and in their eyes. And we can just show up. We show up and we let our presence speak loud and clear about our love for them, our care for them, our concern for them in the crisis of their life. So those are 3 doable things that any parent can do to achieve Hero status in the life of their children. And those are the things that win loyalty. And that's what I'm impressing upon you, that loyalty is the number one battle, in my opinion, that parents in America are fighting because of the social media digital age that we live in. And if you're taking that loyalty for granted, you're making a huge mistake. We can win the battle for loyalty. And by doing these simple 4 things I've shared with you today, that will give you a leg up on your competition. I'm Richard Ramos, and you've been listening to the Parent Whisperer podcast. Please do me a favor and subscribe, write a review, like the video, because those are the things that help me grow the podcast. And reach more parents, which is my purpose and my goal. I want to invite you also to my website where my books are there. If you want to learn more and go deeper into the things I talked about, those are in my books. There's an online course there that I want to invite you to consider, the online course, the Parents on a Mission online course. And always remember this: parents on a mission is not for bad parents; it's for good parents who want to get better. See you next time.