Why life looks good but still feels empty

What if the life that looked perfect on the outside was quietly destroying you on the inside? Welcome to Beyond Diagnosis. I'm Rita De Michele. This podcast is for people looking beyond symptoms and searching for deeper answers. Through expert conversations and real-life stories, we explore the connection between health, lifestyle, and personal whole person support. Brought to you by the Beyond Diagnosis Collective, your guide and connection to trusted holistic practitioners. Joining me today is Charu Murajani, author of The Happiness Pathway. She was diagnosed with Guillain-Barré syndrome on her honeymoon, survived, and then had to dismantle and rebuild everything else— her marriage, her identity, her grief, and her entire understanding of what happiness even means. Welcome, Charu.

Thank you for having me, Rita. I'm really excited to be here and chat to you today.

Oh, it's a pleasure to have you. And you know, it's usually those moments When we— our body stops and it gives us some big message. For you, it was Guillain-Barré syndrome, which is a very serious condition that we usually then reflect on our life, what we've been doing, maybe start listening to the little voice that's been speaking to us for a while.

You would—

so you were diagnosed with Guillain-Barré on your honeymoon. What do you remember about that moment when life stopped kind of being normal for you?

One thing I clearly remember was thinking this couldn't be happening to me. One minute I was on my honeymoon celebrating what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and next I was in a hospital completely losing trust in my body. So at first I kept telling myself, maybe it's just weakness, you know, it'll go away. I'll get some medicines and he'll be all fine. And I think so many of us do that. We try to make ourselves believe that this could not happen to me when something like that happened. But as soon as my body started going into paralysis, My lungs stopped working. I was admitted in the ICU. That's when the doctor had diagnosed me with Guillain-Barré syndrome. I was terrified. I thought I'm gonna die. When my lungs failed, that moment was like, this is the last second of my life. I'm dead today. I woke up a few days later in the ICU and I, looking back, I think it wasn't when my life didn't really fall apart then. It was when I started seeing some sort of change inside me because for the first time everything was quiet. I didn't really have to perform or pretend. And it forced me to stop long enough and ask questions I'd been too busy to ask myself. I realized I wasn't just like burnt out because I was working too hard. I was burnt out because I wasn't living in alignment with my own self. So that was the biggest thing that I had realized while laying in the hospital for a month. Not being able to speak or do anything, that I have been living a life that does not really align with who I am.

It's a very common, sort of a common story where someone does get a diagnosis and yours happens to be Guillain-Barré. And that is the first stage of awakening when they go, what am I doing? Like you knew, like your life to everybody else looks so successful on the outside, but you weren't feeling like you were saying true to yourself. You write that you were kind of performing this happiness. What did that look like for you in real life? Tell us what this performing happiness means.

From the outside, my life looked great. You know, I had a good career, I was achieving things, I got married at the right age, I was ticking all the boxes that society tells us that will make us happy. But inside, I was feeling disconnected. But I wasn't really saying that was happening. So I was, you know, I was smiling and pretending everything's okay. I kept saying yes when I was constantly exhausted. I had no boundaries or sense of self. I measured my worth by how productive I was and how, how much I could give to other people. And I became really good at looking like I had everything together. So people would describe me as like, oh, she's very positive, resilient. She's so loving and caring. But resilience without self-awareness can become survival. It's like you're constantly living in survival mode. And I wasn't really asking myself what I wanted from life. Um, I was just living a life I thought I was supposed to.

Doing that, did you have— was your body sort of like knocking prior to— because usually you get symptoms, you get smaller warning signs before you get the— usually, you know, uh, someone once said to me, listen to the barking dog because it'll keep the tiger at bay, you know. So the barking dog and all the little symptoms and all the, you know, like the burnout, the immune system exhaustion, etc. Before you get a big diagnosis, did you feel— were you too busy to feel anything happening, or did you feel it but went, oh, bad luck?

No, I actually did. And I think our bodies are really intelligent and they give us signs along the way. Long before I got Guillain-Barré syndrome, there were signs. I was constantly tired. I was diagnosed with glandular fever. At that time, I was really busy organizing a wedding and I Said, I just ignored the doctor, went to another doctor and said, maybe I just need some iron and stuff. I don't think I have glandular fever. And the doctor was like, yeah, yeah, you look fine. Maybe just take some vitamins. We'll do your blood. Everything looks fine. So I just pushed it under the rug. And I was just so focused on like organizing a wedding, getting ready for a big event of my life, which also I was— I knew inside that wasn't the right decision for me. So again, I was completely going against what my gut feel was saying to me. And I think our nervous system really keeps a score and gives it back to us eventually. So when we're disconnected from ourselves for a really long time, eventually our body makes us stop. And I think that's what happened with me. Uh, now I see symptoms very differently. Instead of asking, how do I get rid of the symptom? I ask, what is my body trying to tell me?

I think I'd safely say many people listening to this Have a level, live in a level of denial that they don't want to face, especially when they have family, they have a career, everything's full steam ahead in that area of their life. But they do feel that there's something happening, but it's seen as there's no time for that. I don't have time for that. But eventually our body, like you say, it is intelligent and it will catch up because it's asking you for a particular need. When, after you survived, how did you change in how you saw your health? success in your life and overall what your book is actually based on— happiness.

What I realized was health isn't just absence of illness, and success isn't just achieving things and ticking boxes, and happiness is definitely not a destination. So for years, I defined success by, you know, external things, um, ticking all the boxes, achieving things. Today, for me, success is waking up feeling peaceful. for having energy in my body, um, having meaningful relationships where my nervous system feels safe, being able to laugh freely, being present in what I'm doing. So for me, health became about creating a lifestyle where my body and mind could thrive, not just being in survival mode and not having any illness.

I read in your book that, you know, you really did go beyond thinking that, like you said, healing isn't just a physical You know, it had to be an emotional aspect of it as well within all your healing of your illness. So tell us what else happened. There was a breakdown of your marriage. You had to deal with the grief and the loss. How did that impact you? How did you deal with it? And did that affect your Guillain-Barré at all?

So I— so just in terms of timeline, um, I got Guillain-Barré syndrome on my honeymoon. So when I was going through the marriage, There were points where I was like, this is not something what I want. I had a gut feeling that I'm making a huge mistake, but, you know, the event was happening. It was a massive, big, fat Indian wedding, 5, 6 days of events, and you can't really call it off. So I went through with it, and I feel that I had abandoned myself and ignored my gut feels. So I do link I do link that with my illness as well. And after I got sick, even though my partner, my ex-husband at that time, really supported me through the illness, I could not go through with the marriage for 4 years. So initially, I was just in that guilt trip that, you know, he has supported me through illness, so I should stick around. I felt very guilty of saying I don't want to be in this marriage because 6 months into the wedding, I knew that This is not something I want. But I kept going. So my health started getting worse and worse. I mean, even though I had recovered from Guillain-Barré syndrome, I had a lot of other issues with my body. I had a lot of back issues. I had a lot of regular health issues. My health, my body was just constantly fighting against me. I realized you can heal physically and still feel lost. Even though my body had recovered from Guillain-Barré, I still had to start finding my own identity. Who I was, what my purpose was. So healing got me back to functioning, but it was more the search for happiness that required something different for me. And it required intentionally creating a life that felt aligned to who I really was and taking that massive step of saying, this is something that does not align with me. I want to live a different life and I'm going to take this step of walking out of this marriage. So healing can restore your health for sure, but living in alignment with yourself is what truly creates a happy and fulfilling life. And that also has an impact on your health, because if you keep self-abandoning yourself, your health will— your body will give it back to you.

And especially on— I find on an emotional level, I find on an emotional level, it will feel it so much more and faster than say you just had You know, a poor diet, because the emotional level is— you can feel that disjointedness, that tightness in the, you know, along your spine, your stomach, the anxiety. All of those things create so many chemical reactions that just go down a path that you don't want to. And I'm so, you know, glad to hear that you had that strength to actually do something for you outside of the traditional of what— Yeah. Especially I'm Italian. I know what that's like. You know, Indian. I've been to India. Was in India for three months. I saw weddings. They're huge. You know, that would have taken great courage to be able to do that. Betraying yourself. You realize that you weren't being true to yourself. You were kind of in a way. I like to say you're kind of giving to everybody else except for you. Doing what everyone else expected you to do. You also employed. So you obviously looked at your mindset. You looked at what. was your now true identity. What simple changes helped you come back to yourself? I read in your book it was like gentle biohacking, and I know— I think a lot of my audience would go, oh, biohacking, I'm way down the line from biohacking.

I think biohacking has become associated with expensive gadgets, ice baths, and extremes. Yeah, extremes. For me, biohacking Simply means understanding how your body works and creating conditions for it to thrive. So it's getting sunlight in the morning to wake up my body, moving my body every day, eating real organic food rather than packaged processed food, sleeping well. I think sleeping is such a huge thing. I used to, I used to brag about, oh, I only sleep 4 hours and function. I just need an extra coffee and And I'm fine. But, you know, sleeping, going to bed on time is so important and having a good night's long sleep, restful sleep is so important. So I think that's one of the biggest things that I've changed in, in the last few years for myself. Managing stress before it becomes burnout. So taking breaks, recognizing that, you know, you are stressed, your body is giving you signs, taking little breaks to just, you know, have a little breathing exercise for 10 minutes. It's not a lot of time. If you're busy, you can always take out 10 minutes for yourself. And practicing gratitude, because it changes your brain chemistry. And building meaningful relationships, because connections regulate your nervous system as well. These are all forms of biohacking. They're not complicated. They're free. They're sustainable. And they're very powerful. Just these small little rituals.

What was the biggest impact that you felt From doing this, like, you're obviously exhausted and not in alignment with yourself emotionally, and you experience that physically. So from where you were to where you are now, it obviously took time. What kind of timeline are we looking at there?

Not so much about the timeline, it's starting small. So for me, it was when I realized that I'm not sure living in alignment with myself, I started asking myself questions. That if no one was watching or if there was no one around to tell me what's right, does this action feel right for me? And it's just simple questions like that that make you realize that you're living a life that's for the outside world, not for yourself. And then just doing little things that brought me peace. So like spending more time with my dog, starting the day calmly. I think that is so important for having a good lifestyle. Even if you, if you, if you have kids, if you have a constant busy job, doesn't matter. Find 10 minutes for yourself to have a simple coffee sitting outside in nature without any technology, without any disturbance before you start your day. Give yourself the priority. And I think when I started doing that for myself, I started bringing in things like little things like I just said too, that brings joy and peace in my life. And that, that was what changed things for me. And I just gradually introduced more things. Once you become self-aware and start trusting yourself, you start taking more actions towards your own happiness first.

Absolutely. I mean, I, I read that you did things like yoga. And how important was— because there is a lot of talk around journaling.

Yes.

How important was journaling for you?

Very important, to be honest. Uh, the book wouldn't have been there if I didn't have journals. So, um, I started journaling because I did not really know what to do with my feelings. So it was just starting to write what I was feeling, what was happening, what's inside me. I think that helped me get a lot out of my body and it makes it real because sometimes you can't really freely talk to people about things and there's things that you don't really acknowledge it until you put it on paper. So journalism— journaling is something so important for me because that helps you release what you're holding on inside. And then it also gives you a direction of what do you need to work on in your life? How can you make your life better? Even if you don't want to write about how you're feeling, start with gratitude journaling. That is a huge, huge thing that could change how your life is. And it's not just about like being fake positive. It's about recognizing that there is good with what's happening in your life in any, any stage of your life. If you recognize like 3 good things every day. It could be as simple as your child smiling at you or the smell of coffee. These things, recognizing these things and writing them down, it changes and rewires your brain and your nervous system, and you attract more of it.

That's really good advice because I think with journaling, and I've actually experienced it for myself, yeah, I think we overthink it. And it's— and you become, oh, I have to write the perfect sentence, or I'm not saying that correctly. And like you're saying, it can even just be bullet points or one word.

Yeah. No one's going to read it. It's just for you.

Do you find that— it sounds like before you were really tapping into perfection. So do you find that journaling and just even writing anything, however messy it is, has helped you move away from that perfection?

Oh yeah, for sure. Because sometimes I don't even journal. Like I don't write anything. I would just doodle in my book. It's just to be present in that moment with myself, to give myself a little break. You don't have to write your feelings all the time. Sometimes you need to. So if you're holding on to something and say you've got holding on to a grudge with someone, you are always expecting, oh, they never apologized. It actually creates a hole inside you and it's negativity that you're holding on to. And sometimes you can just write what you're feeling about that person on there and then just throw it off. It just helps you let go of things and it helps me. So I I did that with my ex-husband as well. There were a lot of unsaid things that had happened. I felt that I was betrayed and wronged. But then I was like, you know, I don't want to live my life being a victim. And this is holding a lot of negative energy in my body. So I need to let go of it. So I basically wrote a letter to him, addressed it. I mean, obviously didn't send it. I wrote a letter to him, like how he had wronged me, what I felt, and everything I wanted to say. And then I just burned the letter. So yes, it's like a little ritual I did, and it helped me let go of things.

That's something that someone can do at home. Not everyone can afford a counselor or a therapist, so these are small things that they can do at home to get themselves started. One thing I'd like to touch on, because boundaries is a very big thing— being able to say no is so hard for people, especially people who are very empathetic and like yourself, gave a lot, thought of others before they would think of themselves. To turn that around would be quite challenging.

Yeah.

What did you do to be able to start turning that around, and what were people's reactions to you, and how did you deal with that when they realized, whoa, she's putting up boundaries and she's not the same person?

I was a people pleaser. So the way I grew up, I was the elder daughter in the house. was praised for being a good girl. So I always lived my life to get praise. I would always feel better about myself, and I would always constantly abandon myself to make others happy. And all my relationships and friendships were defined in with that mindset. So I had to go through a complete overhaul of all my relationships. I did an audit. I literally did an audit after I went through a divorce and went through a healing process, I thought I have to do that for every relationship in my life. It's not just, you know, a love relationship that needs to have boundaries. It's everything, because that's how you trust yourself and not abandon yourself. Initially, it was hard. I had to practice in front of the mirror saying no, because it didn't come naturally to me. And in the book, I mentioned a few exercises to help you recognize how you can do that in your life as well and what areas you can go through and audit. So gradually went through a lot of relationships. Some relationships fell off, you know, when people are used to you always giving and being compliant and you turn around and change your attitude towards giving yourself more importance. People don't really like that. Some relationships evolved as well. People understood that this was more for myself and it was more about evolving our relationship to a more meaningful one, because that's what happens once you set some boundaries. It doesn't really— it's not really cutting people off. It's basically evolving your relationship into a more genuine and real relationship, because that's what you need in life. That's what your nervous system needs. And it's beneficial for both sides of the party. So I think it took a bit of time. And I think there's still times now where, you know, when I say no to people, some people get shocked. But eventually, I think they realized that, you know, she's not the same person she was 10 years ago. She's a different person now. And some people respect that. And those relationships have stayed, some don't, those have just fallen off.

It is the natural pruning of evolution. When you evolve yourself, there's just a natural pruning that happens. Do you find that you now attract different kind of person around you than what you used to before?

Yeah, definitely. Um, I don't have, uh, as big friendship circle as I used to have. I had massive circle before. Now I have more real genuine connections, and I have a few close friends, um, who respect me. I respect them. We support each other in growing, and I attract people who have a very similar mindset as well. So I've realized once you work on your own mindset, you attract the same energy around you. So definitely, it's very similar mindset, people who want to live in alignment with themselves, grow together, support each other. So a lot of women in my life are women who are trying to support each other, grow together, and respecting each other's boundaries, but as well as giving unconditional love.

Yeah, beautiful. So what does your health feel like now?

Uh, I think my health's pretty good. Uh, I try and, um, work out regularly, so I don't do extreme workouts, but I listen to my body. So if I feel very tired on a day, I will not punish myself for not going to the gym or feel guilty. Um, I don't do extreme workouts, so I do like 2 to 3 days I will go to the gym if I can. Um, walks are very important for me because it's the form of workout, but it also regulates your system. So I do morning beach walks with my dog, and I think that is the best part of my day, that I love starting my day like that. In terms of my health, I listen to my body now. So if I feel something's not right, I try and question why this is happening, as opposed to just take some medicine and fix it quickly. Um, it's more, or have I been ignoring drinking water?

Mm-hmm.

Or have I been not eating well or properly, or Just trying to tweak, make these little tweaks in my life, and then see how my health feels rather than just trying to fix something that doesn't really need fixing. It's more just tweaking your lifestyle. And that's what biohacking is, to be honest. It's trying to tweak your lifestyle, your eating habits, and what you do in your life based on how your body is responding.

What is the one thing that you would advise someone to start today in coming back to themselves and start recognizing maybe where they are going against themselves, where they are for everyone else, and they maybe are lacking boundaries?

I would say don't try and change everything in one day. Like, I feel when you're overwhelmed, the idea of fixing your life can feel really exhausting. Um, so instead trying to do something big, just make a small change. Ask yourself, what's one thing I can do today that brings me a little bit of peace. Not happiness, not transformation, just a little bit of peace. Maybe it's taking a walk, maybe it's calling someone you love, or getting to bed 30 minutes early to read a book, drinking more water, or writing 3 things you're grateful for. So I think these small moments start to build over time and shift how you feel, how you think, and how you show up for yourself. And that's where change really begins.

That type of self-care coupled with consistency is where the biggest change happens. Your book is based on happiness. What does happiness mean to you now after everything?

Happiness feels much quieter than I had once imagined. Uh, it's not constant excitement or perfection or having everything figured out. It's waking up feeling at peace with who I am, having people around me who make me and my nervous system feel safe, living in alignment with my values. And finding joy in simple moments in life. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's happiness isn't something we find. It's something we intentionally create one small choice at a time. So in my book, The Happiness Pathway, there are small exercises, reflections, micro habits, simple things people can actually do in their daily life to reconnect with themselves because Sometimes just reading about something inspiring is not enough. What you do with it is important. So I wanted the readers to have that space to start their own journey while they're reading the book.

I think that's fantastic. And reading your book, that was one of the things that actually stood out for me. Like we mentioned before, having that space in your book to actually put down your own words helps you actually embody what the message you were, you were making in the book. You know, and one of the things you touched on within this last, um, section, you mentioned values.

Yeah.

I think that is super important because if you ask somebody what makes you happy, they can tell you everything that makes— what makes them unhappy or everything that they don't want.

Yeah.

Then if you say, well, but what do you want in life? What is aligned with you? What does make you happy that's aligned, like you were saying, in alignment with yourself? That's where people struggle. So would you say for them to sit down and, and actually think, what is actually really important for me? Because that what is important will create your values. How did you do that?

Um, so there's something called mapping your values, what's important for you. So there is an exercise for that. So I started questioning myself, what do I really want ultimately in life?

Is it Success?

Is it happiness? Is it freedom? What do I exactly want? I think happiness was the top one. And I think once you start drilling it down, what does it come from? It comes from trusting myself. It comes from loving myself first. It comes from having peace in life, having freedom to do whatever I want. So I think that's how I came up with a value map for myself. And there is an exercise for readers to go work on their own value map, because you— everyone is different. What makes me happy will not make you happy. So everyone has to go on their own journey to identify what their values are, how to align with themselves. And that's, that's what the book's about.

Yes, it can be scary though. Once you start tapping into your emotions and your feelings, that brings up a lot of fear with people, and that's where they don't want to go. Did that bring up fear for you? Oh yeah, realizing what you want.

Yeah, for sure. I think while I was, um, in, in the marriage as well, when I started questioning myself, that was the biggest fear because this was the societal norm I had lived with. And walking out of a marriage, uh, meant letting go of my friend circle because all the friends were common, going against the judgment, and defying those You know, unset societal rules as well. So it took a lot to take that step for myself because obviously there's a lot of fear. And I think that's why it took me so long to make that decision because I knew all along that it's something I need to do for myself, but I was just ignoring it because it was scary. But I think when something's scary for you, that's where your healing lies. So if you can take that first step for yourself, That's when you start building self-trust in yourself and you start trusting your gut. You start trusting yourself and your body sees that as well. So it's all interconnected, I feel, to finding alignment with yourself, but also trusting yourself to take a scary step forward.

I loved your book. Not only is it inspirational, it's very practical, and that's what I like about it, that there are so many exercises in there and for everybody's listening, if you've appreciated Charu's story, do go to the show notes because a link will be there to get her book. I think it's a— yes, it's a very, very practical way to start coming back to self instead of us being for everyone else. As you know, the end result for you was Guillain-Barré syndrome. Great. Thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you so much for having me, Rita. I've really enjoyed our chat.