Why You Keep Sabotaging Your Success — and How to Finally Stop

I have, I have gained some resilience because I've, you know, experienced certain traumas or upsets in my life. Yet when I go to make the decisions and the major changes that I need in my life or for my health, they still can't do it. There's something so deep that just still stops them. It's like a, it's like a sabotage. Welcome, Bhavya, to Beyond Diagnosis.

Thank you, Rita. It's great to be here this morning.

Oh, it's great to have you. Now, Bhavya, you're an expert around everything mindset, and you know, I always find it super interesting how people have such a resistance to changing mindset and behaviors. It seems to be like one of the biggest obstacles standing between the life and the health especially that we truly want. And even if we desperately want to change, I find it fascinating how there's— it's like there's something really deep inside of us that holds us back. What is really behind this resistance to change? I mean, it can't be just laziness. There must be something a lot stronger, like fear, or what is it, Bhavya?

People resist change. And the main reason, one of the reasons they resist change, is because they're scared to step out of their comfort and their safe zone. Humans love predictability, they love safety, they love comfort, they love being in environments which are familiar and known to them. Anything out of the ordinary shakes them, freezes them, paralyzes them, and stops them from moving forward. One of the core reasons For resisting change is fear.

That's a core reason, is it?

It's one of the core reasons, the biggest triggers for resisting fear. The fear of failure. What if I change my job? What if I change my practitioner? What if I make a mistake? The fear of failure. What if I make a mistake? The fear of the unknown. What if my new job is worse than the old one? What if my new health practitioner is worse than the current one. The fear of the unknown— what's on the other side? The fear of being judged— what will people think of me when I'm changing jobs, I'm shifting homes, I'm shifting doctors? We are so worried about what other people think of us. That fear stops us from moving forward in our life. that fear of others' judgment. And most important, the fear of not being good enough. Am I even worthy of a new job? Am I even worthy of a new doctor? Am I even worthy of better self-care, better health, better prosperity?

I like that.

The fear— fear is what stops people from change and moving forward. But what we need to understand, Rita, fear and joy, they coexist in our mind. But what we lean towards more will determine our experiences and outcome. What do you want to choose? Joy or live in stagnation and fear?

One of the reasons why I started this podcast is because for people with long-term and chronic conditions who haven't found resolution or the core reason for their condition, the root cause, with their practitioner who they're using, I like to make other alternative practitioners, functional practitioners available to them. But the thing that still stops them from using them is what you've just talked about, is the fear of, well, I've never used one before. I don't really know what they're like. I don't really understand it. You know, is They know their practitioner. They've been with that practitioner for maybe years. They keep getting the same result, the same, um, medication, the same advice, but they're too fearful to change. And yet what's on the other side could be the greatest thing for their health or their life. Is it a lack of self-belief that stifles our willingness to embrace change? Or self-worth.

Absolutely. That's one of the reasons that stops you from changing— lack of self-belief, self-trust, self-assurance, low confidence, low resilience. Those are one of the biggest reasons that stops you from changing. And it's very normal to feel like that. Let me first say, it's very normal. We all feel like that. And that comes from because it's ingrained in us Stick with what you know. Don't go where you don't know anything. Secondly, our past experiences, our past traumas, past unpleasant situations have made us self-doubt our own capabilities and worth and decision-making skills. So because of that, we feel, why look on the other side? Just stick with what we know. And that's absolutely fine if you're truly happy. and there's some transformation happening in you. However, there's stagnation. You're not healing, especially from a chronic illness, which can be detrimental in every aspect of your life. It can stop you from working, uh, being more productive. Even simple chores like going for a walk during the day or cooking yourself, making yourself a sandwich, can become a big task for you. When you are in this situation and nothing has helped you for this long with your current practitioner. I'm not saying the practitioner is bad. Maybe you need a fresh pair of eyes, a fresh perspective, somebody else to show you some other treatment which may just click with you. It's just like a missing piece of a puzzle, what just goes click. Nobody's bad, it's just what's right for you. That is what matters.

Look, I resonate with all of that, Bhavya, because That is the hardest thing for people to do. You see it all the time.

It's—

someone would rather suffer than make that change.

And it—

like I always say to people, some people say, oh, they're lazy, but it's not really laziness. Laziness is just trying to slap a label on something so much deeper that you were talking about. If there is something— Even deeper again, yes, we've talked about the self-worth, like you were just saying, the willingness. Is it how our brain may perceive a threat? And how— is there any way that we can actually, through like the work you do through coaching, rewire, you know, the responses that we give ourselves? Because change, it takes trust. And if we don't know what's in the future, we don't know what's coming around the corner, Everything— we're wired for survival, so everything seems like a threat. Can you talk a little bit about that?

Change is hard, change is difficult, but what we want is on the other side. What we are craving for, what we are longing for, is out there. And to get it, to achieve it, we have to get out of our comfort zone. We— our mind is wired, our prefrontal cortex. Yeah, it assesses risk and uncertainty. So when we step into new areas, unfamiliar surroundings, physically or emotionally, it senses that danger. Stop! It freezes you. But what we need to understand, the more we challenge that instinct, the more we push ourselves through it, the initial discomfort, that's where the actual growth and change will happen in our lives. It can be in any and all areas of your life. Also, what matters a lot, uh, in challenging these thoughts is your mindset. Everything comes from our mind. So either you have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. It doesn't matter which mindset you have. No mindset is bad. But what you have to assess is, is it helping me or is it stopping me? That is the key. When you have a fixed mindset, you see everything as a straight line, black and white. But life is not a straight line. It's not linear. It has bumps, it has potholes, it has blind spots, it has turns, it has twists, and you have to undergo all of that to reach your end destination, your desired goal. When you have a Growth mindset, which is a flexible mindset, you'll go through all the turns, all the knocks, all the bumps in life, gain resilience, have perseverance, and reach your final goal. But when you have a fixed mindset, it'll be— your attitude will be this way or the highway.

Hmm.

You will not make any changes to your plan or your path. So very often you see, and it's from my own personal life experience and those of my clients and people around me, especially when it comes to illnesses, they will stick with the known practitioner. I'm not saying the practitioner's bad, the practitioner's very good, but it may be not the right one for you. That is the key. So if you have a fixed mindset, you will not change the practitioner, you will not change your job, you'll stick with what you know because you're so Fatigued, mentally fed up, frustrated, and you feel hopeless and helpless that everything I do, nothing works out for me. You get into a victim mode. Poor little me, life is out to get me. I just have to settle for this in my life. Nothing's ever going to get better. I'm with the best doctor, the best job, and you know, that's life. It's out to get me. So you get into this victim mentality. Where you want people to sympathize with you. And if you continue that way, you will stagnate. Your motivation will hit zero. There'll be no inspiration in your life, and you'll start getting disgruntled with life.

You know, Bhavya, like you were saying, it takes that flexibility, that mental flexibility. And I think behind that, you need— for the change that you're saying, you need courage. You need the courage to be able to change. And in saying that, for someone who's listening to this who's gone, well, you know what, I have made changes, I have changed my practitioner, I have, I have gained some resilience because I've, you know, experienced certain traumas or upsets in my life, yet when I go to make the decisions and the major changes that I need, in my life or for my health, they still can't do it. There's something so deep that just still stops them. It's like a— it's like a sabotage.

So it, again, like I said, it stems from fear, and fear will manifest in various ways. Self-sabotaging thoughts, inner critic saying you can't take right decisions and can't choose the right practitioner. It's going to— self-limiting beliefs. Maybe I'm not worthy of getting better. It all stems from fear. It's like an uninvited guest which overstays its stay in your mind. And what we have to understand is fear plays a very powerful role in our life. It stops us, it keeps us a bit cautious, it keeps us on the edge, it stops us from falling really badly. But also, if you keep it too long in our life, we get too attached and stick it to our hip. It can overpower life and stop us from living, breathing, and moving forward. Very often people find it very tough to change their practitioner, not because they don't understand what's right or wrong or what's good for them. It's the fear. I am suffering so much. I am so tired. You know what? Something within me tells me I should not change, and that's not instinct. That's not your gut feeling. There's a difference, a very fine line. That's fear. The fear of what if the next one even cannot help me? I'm again wasting time. I'm again wasting money. I'm again wasting my energy. And the mental trauma I'm again going to undergo repeating my entire health history to somebody is exhausting for me. It's not fun. And I alone know how I feel. So it all stems from that fear, the fear of doing something different for yourself. And yes, things will not go as per plan. That's life. Things will go down south. But till you don't try, you will never know.

People want to change their behavior, their behavior, you know, and someone says, oh, just let go. It's all about letting go. But to let go of something, we have to replace it with something else. Like our lives, our bodies, our psyche, everything doesn't like a void. So if you're going to give something up, you're going to have to gain something. Do people sometimes resist change because of lack of clarity or vision, and they don't know how to define their— the outcomes that they want? So it's all confusing, so they stay where they are.

Lack of clarity, lack of awareness is the key. If you don't know what you want, how are you going to make a change in your life?

Hmm.

So my first question would be, what do you want out of your life? What's truly important to you? How do you see yourself one year from now? Oh, I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to feel abundant. Let's work backwards now. What's stopping you? And then you dig really deep what's stopping them. It can be past experiences. It can be fear. It can be— sometimes they don't even know what's stopping them— lack of alignment with their purpose, their values, their passion in life. There's so many factors. And once you combine it all and you start working with somebody and they gain that clarity and awareness, then it's like magic. They're unstoppable because then they have the true awareness of what— not only what they want why it matters to them, what a difference would that make in their life, how it would help them to reach the end result and goal. That's when the true motivation comes in, the inspiration comes in. You're unstoppable. Life can throw lots of hurdles your way, you will not lose your path because you've gained that clarity of what you truly want. That is the key. Once you get clarity, You will start being committed to yourself. You'll commit yourself to your growth, to your self-care. You will be consistent. You will not give up no matter what happens. You'll have the courage to carry on through the storms. That is important. Clarity is the key. But if you don't know how you feel, how can you go further? You're lost.

Motivation— keeping that motivation. Motivation is so transient. You know, motivation comes and goes. You know, how many New Year's resolutions do we hear that last one week? You know, motivation is a slippery— it's a slippery thing to hang on to. So can you just give us a little exercise that someone can do to gain clarity?

What we can do is that what I normally share with my clients, and I practice in my own life, is the 6 stages of change and acceptance. With clarity, there has to be acceptance. Acceptance is the key. If you can't accept, how are we going to gain clarity? How are we going to change? So the first stage is the pre-contemplation stage, where there is no clarity, no awareness, or you are complete denial. Everything's perfect in my life. Why should I change the balance? Everything's going great. I don't have any problem.

Hmm.

The second stage is contemplation. Oh my God, there's something missing in my life. There's a bit of a void happening here. Something doesn't feel quite right. Maybe I need to change. Maybe I need to shift my perspective. The third stage is the preparation stage. What are my options out there? How do I go about it? What do I choose from? How do I choose? Do I take support from somebody to help me? Where and how do I start? The 4th stage is action, diving right in, taking the leap of faith. I'm gonna do it right now, no matter what happens. I'm gonna give it a go. I'll get the experience, I'll take the learning, and I'll tweak my path. The 5th stage is maintenance. It's constantly in life, which is important for everyone. Review, take a drone's eye view of your life, where you are, what is happening, where you want to go, point A to point B and everything in between. And if there is something you don't like, doesn't support you, let it go and bring in what's going to pump your energy, pump your mindset, and make you feel good about yourself and support you. That is the key. And the 6th stage is acceptance and growth. To understand growth only comes through accepting changes, accepting clarity, accepting the good, bad, and the ugly, and everything in between. That's when growth will come. And to understand you will thrive only in transformation, and through transformation you will learn you will grow, you will get resilient, you'll have perseverance, and you'll have a flexible mindset which will again get you geared up for the next challenge or change in your life. And at that stage, you're actually going to sit back on your chair with a cup of tea and say, boy, I wish I'd done this earlier for myself. It's worth every tear I've shed, every sleepless night I've had, every effort I've put in. is worth it because I'm happy where I am.

Yeah, you can only arrive at that place once you've walked the path. You can't get there without doing the work. You have to do the work. And one of the things— I mean, obviously this is a very high-order mindset shifts that are best worked with someone like yourself who is a, who is a coach, um, because I find that there are things like people attach their personal identity to things, and, you know, they— which reinforces certain narratives that they have. Like, if someone wants to get better, they say, you know, well, how can I get better? I'm a diabetic, I can't. And I think that's a big problem when we start identifying ourselves, our core self, with a condition, as a condition. It's more like, I'm a person who has diabetes, or I'm a person who is experiencing this shift in identity that once we shift it, well, then who are we?

Exactly.

Can, can we change, Bhavya, without losing ourselves?

Absolutely. One thing is very clear and we have to understand, okay? Our condition, our circumstances in life do not define us. We define ourselves. Our true identity, our authentic self, is who we are within, how we are as a person. They are conditioned, determined through our values, our beliefs in life. Things like chronic illness, health conditions, they are just symptoms. They're just there in our life. They are not who we are. They don't define who we are as a person. And very often people just settle for And they feel that's their true identity. I'm a diabetic, that's how I am, that's how my life is going to be. I'm a heart patient, this is who I am, I'm no good, I've ruined my health. But that's not who you are. You are a strong person. You have a person where the whole wide world is open for you to go and enjoy. A heart condition, a chronic illness, whatever it may be, is just a condition. It's not your true self. And very often we mix it, and that's when the real problems start, because then you just give up on life. That's who I am, so why should I make an effort? It's going to go— this condition of mine will take me to the grave, so that's who I am. Why should I change? And that happens when you have these fake stories, these narratives which are all lies, where you build up in your mind. You tell yourself repeatedly so much that they become your new identity. You forget who you are in the process. That I'm a strong person, I'm capable of change, I am committed to my growth, I know I can do it. Maybe I need a bit of help, maybe I need someone to hold my hand, maybe I need a bit of support, but I can do it. You forget that about yourself and you feel this is who you are. You label yourself. So it's time we move away from labels because labels, they don't do any good to us. They in fact whirlpool us down because we get lost in the whirlpool. We get lost in that tornado. We forget who we are.

What you're saying is when people say, well, if I change, I won't know who I am, it's not true. You've always known who you are. You're changing the label. that you've given yourself. You've changed. You're changing this, this false identity that you've had to project into the world, you know. And I, I do find that some people— I have heard people say, you know, well, how will I relate to my family if I'm different? How will they relate to me? Will I still be able to keep the same friends? I like my friends. I don't want to change because if I change Well, then we may not get along anymore. How do they reassure themselves that some people will drop off and that's okay? Because if they do, they weren't meant to be there.

You know what? First of all, you got to be honest with yourself and accept yourself for who you are. If you can't accept yourself, who's going to accept you? If you're not confident about who you are as a person, who can respect you?

Yes.

So first, be confident in who you are. Be confident in your own skin, irrespective of anything in your life, because you are a good person. Communicate how you feel about your illness or about life to people who matter to you honestly. And what's most important is, if they have their opinions, that's their drama. It's not your drama. Don't bring it on yourself. Everybody has a right to the opinion, but we have the power to choose what we want to bring in and let go. If someone cannot respect you for who you are and accept you for who you are and love you for who you are, they are not worth being in your life. Let them go. You don't need that negative energy, that heavy energy in your life. Let them go. Whoever is in your inner circle, whoever wants to be with you, have to has to love you, respect you, and value and appreciate you for your values, for who you are as a person, for what you believe in life, for what you stand up for in life. Not whether you're neurodivergent, not if you're LGBTQ, not if you're from different cultural backgrounds, not if you have a chronic illness. No, absolutely not. They have to love you for you, and that is the key. Also, one more very important point. When we are born We are just born pure. We are born with certain instincts and beliefs and values in, in us. Over time, we lose our original blueprint. We totally lose our blueprint. Why? Because we are living in a society, in a community where everybody's opinion matters to us. We are ingrained to respect others, please others. So what happens is, from outside, your life is glamorous. From inside, you're crumbling. You're crumbling faster than a yummy cookie even, and not in a delicious way, in a very harmful way which affects your mental state so badly that it starts affecting your mind, body, and every area of your life. Let people go. Let situations go. Bring in what serves you. Bring in people. Let people in who only respect you. It's all about setting strong boundaries, very strong boundaries in your life. Fences, emotional fences, physical fences, fences in your personal life and your professional life. How we have a garden, right? We have a lovely white picket fence around it to protect the flowers and the trees so they can bloom and flourish beautifully. Same way, you have a right to bloom and get into your full power. So set boundaries and open the gate when people respect and follow your rules, and they accept you with generosity and love. If someone cannot accept you and are going to create more havoc in their life, shut the gate. Don't open the fence. And that's your power, that's your choice, and that's your right to protect you, your energy, because no one's going to do it for you. There is no magic wand that will do it for you. You have to get up and do the hard work to protect you.

To start lessening this resistance to change, we have to believe in ourselves, start developing more personal power, understand that we can do it, that whatever we have, whether it's a health condition or any obstacle in life, it doesn't define us. We are not what that is. You know, these are incredible things. They are high order for people to do on their own. Um, would you suggest that people can start by journaling their feelings and whatever comes up, any resistance, you know, understanding what is that resistance and try and identify that emotion?

Absolutely. You can start in, first of all, small baby steps. We don't need to take a big jump. You don't run a marathon in a day. It takes months of practice. So firstly, be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. Don't be so hard on yourself. Journaling is a great way. Yeah, a lot of people like journaling. Uh, if you're not one of those who don't like writing big stories, who can't deal with it, just go for a walk in nature, outdoors. Listen to some soft music. See what comes up for you. Ask yourself some very powerful questions. Reflect on them. What am I choosing for myself? I have a choice. So what am I choosing to bring into my life? Am I choosing fear? Am I choosing self-limiting beliefs? Am I choosing self-sabotaging thoughts? Am I choosing to be a people pleaser? Am I choosing to overcommit? Or I'm choosing to bring in joy.

Hmm.

Happiness, freedom, liberation, calmness, fulfillment, balance. Everything in life begins with a choice, a decision we make. So make a decision. Any decision is better than no decision. Make a decision, make a choice, get the experience. And if you don't like it, change it. There's no right or wrong. There are no regrets in life. There's only change, and there's only movement. So unleash the power within you to get into the power you want to be in. Very important. It's all in your hands. And if at times you feel you struggle to do that on your own, get an accountability partner, get a life coach, get a therapist, but get someone who's not emotionally attached to you. Get someone who doesn't know you. Because what's going to happen if it's a friend, a family member, or a colleague? At times, they already come with their own preconceived notions and beliefs and thoughts about you, and that will cloud their own judgment in giving you advice to gain clarity. So go to somebody who's non-judgmental, a safe space where you can unpack Everything that's burdening you, your deep, darkest fears, stories, and experiences in life. Non-judgmental person where someone's just sitting and you can cry, scream your heart out, and unpack everything that's bothering you and keeping you stuck in life.

You know, my biggest takeaway from this is resistance is the opposite to choice. And we need to choose. What's one action that someone can do today to help move themselves forward from resistance to change?

A very simple action. Step back and just ask yourself, what is choice? And what am I consciously choosing for my life, for my mental state, and for myself?

That's when you need that quiet time. Bhavya, what a wealth of inspiration you are. And honestly, for our audience, if you've resonated with Bhavya, please, all of her details will be in the show notes. This isn't really something I think that people can do on their own. They need guidance. They need someone who's skilled, especially if they have very, very deep resistance to change. And of course, if it's around a health condition, um, and they want to have change, you know, a life coach like yourself is paramount. Thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you, Rita. I really appreciate the good work you're doing.

Thank you.