3 Things You Need to Build LASTING LOVE in Your Relationship

Let's talk about what are the fundamentals that really can make a relationship work. We call it the relationship pyramid. There are three core elements. Go ahead and throw them on, but we're going to start with the center. If you want to know how do you win the game of relationship? You got to know what the target is for victory. The target is to get your partner to become your greatest raving fan. How do you do that? By doing more for them than anybody else on earth, Loving them or sharing them or understanding them more. But if you want to have a raving fan relationship where you both are raving fans for each other, the first step in this little triangle is you got to know what you really want and become the kind of person other people want to give to. If you don't know what you want, then you're going to settle for whatever shows up in a relationship. Remember the day I was going to get married in my first relationship and I was just a kid, I really didn't want to get married. I was like. I felt like I was being cornered into it, but I wanted to make her happy. I was such a pleaser. I become somebody others wanted to give to because I was a giver, but I didn't know what I wanted. So when I was considering ending my relationship, I was scared. But I rationalized it in my head that it wouldn't be good for the kids, it wouldn't be stable for them. So I waited till, literally, they all grew up, and now it was just the two of us. And then I wasn't willing to have another decade of that. I was 39. I was about to turn 40. And there was something about that said, I just can't do this for another decade. So I made my list. Everything I want in a relationship, what I wanted spiritually in this woman, what I wanted emotionally, what I wanted her to feel like, what I wanted us to share together. All the things mental, emotional, physical. I wrote down so many details, pages of notes, and I was so crystal clear, it was ridiculous. And then I went through the list, and I encourage any of you that are single to do this. Wrote everything down, and then I went through the list and crossed out everything that wasn't truly a must. Then I made a second list, which is what this is about. I said, okay, if that's what I want, what kind of person would I have to be to attract? And not only attract, but fulfill and keep a person in my life fulfilled by being with me? What kind of person would I need to be instead of just what do I want? I wrote what I wanted, by the way. I also wrote what I didn't want. I encourage you to do that as well. Sometimes you get a list of what you want, but there's a couple things you don't want that screw it all up. Here's what I really want. Here's what I don't want. That's clarity. Write down. Clarity is power. If you're single, you need this clarity. If you're in a relationship, as you'll see in a little bit, you still need to know this. Because if you're already in a relationship, you need a vision for it to grow. If your relationship is not deepening, if it's not expanding, if it's not more loving and more passionate than last month or last year, then you don't have a vision for it. You had a vision. You've already surpassed it or you've lived it. We need a vision. Without a vision, people perish. So I got crystal clear, what do I want? And I wrote down what I absolutely don't want. And then I wrote, what kind of person do I have to become? Then all I did, guys, is I read it every day for probably two months. In those days, I used to have, you know, like your daytime or time before you had your phones of that source. And I'd read it every day. And then gradually, I got to a point where I'd read it a couple times a week. And then I'll explain later on. Sage and I were friends. First, we weren't dating, and finally we started a date. And we're on this date, we were actually in Italy. And I remember we're on this train, the Orient Express. And I was just so delighting in her. And I'd only been reading this list at that point, maybe once a week or twice a week. And I pulled out the list right beside her, and I read it to her. And as I read it to her, I crossed off everything she was, everything I wanted, none of what I didn't want. Most importantly, I realized I saw the other list. I'd become the man I needed to become to attract that to my life. You know what's crazy? Sage, independently of me, had done the exact same thing. She made her list like a year before of what she really wanted in a relationship. Even if you're in a relationship, we want to say, what's the vision for this relationship? What do you want your relationship to be about? What would be the next level for you? So what's the target for A great relationship. You want to convert this soul to your raving fan because you anticipate everything for them. But to get there, you got to first know what's going to fulfill you. You got to know what you want, what you don't want. And you got to decide who you're going to become. What's the second step? Now you got to know what they really want. You know what you want. You got to know what they really want. What do they need, what do they desire, what do they value, what do they believe, what are their rules, what are their fears? So if I know what I want and I know what I don't want, and I know who I got to become, and now I know what you want, need, desire. By the way, I always say, life is the dance between what you desire most and what you fear most. That's where people's relationships are. The relationship is as small or as big as you can. Expand these. If you want a greater life, fear less and desire more. Expand your desires, weaken your fears, don't indulge in them. But once I know what I want, what I don't want, and who I need to become, and I'm working on it, and then I know everything you want and need, then what's the last step? Give it to you. Give them what they want and need. And here's the most important key word. Get addicted to finding new ways of giving them pleasure. See, if I know what I want, I know what I don't want, I know what I'm going to become. There's clarity, there's power. I can attract what I want. Now I got to know what you want in every way, what you don't want. And now I want to get addicted to over delivering, giving you more than you want. Because I know what it is, I can do it. I win. I get to kick you, my raving fan. And if I make you my raving fan, you're likely to do the same for me. And if you don't, I'll learn that over time and I'll just keep giving and be a greater lover. And when it's time to make a decision, I'll make that decision and I'll find the right relationship. That's really fundamentally what we do. Now outside this triangle, these three elements, there's two elements, final ones that affect it all. Because you can know what you want, sort of not be quite clear what they want, sort of, kind of meet their needs, sort of. But what's going to determine whether you really do that? Or not is what I call select and connect. You see it outside the circle. Select and connect selection. Please write this down. Selection is 90% of the success or failure in a relationship. Picking the right person so your nature is aligned, you go, tony, but I don't know how to pick the right person. I've done a terrible job. Job or I'm already in a relationship. Where were you when I needed you before I made this decision? Let me clarify. When I say select and connect, I don't just mean who you select to be in a relationship and then you connect with them. I mean, which part of you you select to bring to this relationship. Because there's many parts, right? When you first were engaging to attract someone to your life, you were very conscious about which part of you showed up. But when the law of familiarity gets there, oftentimes we stop innovating, we keep doing the same thing, or we stop marketing. We stop thinking about how we're coming across, what we're communicating, whether meeting their needs, how we look, what we share. None of that matters. And it really does matter. That's why I say to people, I go, well, I've already selected. I'm already in this relationship. What do I do? You select a better you to bring to the table. If you bring your playfulness, if you bring your kindness, if you bring your love, if you bring your generosity, if you bring your passion to the table, you bring that part of you, this relationship is going to flourish. So select and connect. It's 95% of a relationship is selecting which part of you you're going to consciously bring to your relationship every single day. And then being conscious. See what a great relationship does. You know how it's the right relationship is you want to be better for the one you love. It makes you be better than you'd even be for yourself. Someone who brings out the best in you, that you naturally do that, that's incredible. But you got to start by you bringing out the best in you. And if that person is someone who pulls from you the desire to be more, that's a great relationship. Not the desire to pretend or be fake or, or do something that you can't sustain. I mean, the best parts of you that you can sustain. And then the bottom part of that relationship component, See, once you select and connect, then you got to just consistently improve and nurture the relationship, the relationship you have with yourself, meeting your own needs. Because then you're going to feel better and you're going to initiate the other. And your partner is going to see and feel you in a different way. Instead of they should work out or we have to do this. See if you can just nurture your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your partner. And you do that ongoing. And you keep selecting and connecting from the best part of you. And you know what you want and you know what they want, need, and you keep giving to each other and you're both raving fans. You got a legendary relationship and everybody's around you. How do you do? Isn't luck, it's conscious. Sam.