How To Influence ANYONE In Your Life (No Matter How Difficult...)

Who's got somebody you have difficulty getting through to or stressful getting through to. The reason it's stressful is you got judgments about how they should be and it doesn't match how you are. You want to influence them, you got to know what already influences them. So here are the way that the Chinese medicine looks at personalities. The gentleman who did this was a gentleman who works with parents with their kids. And we have his book, we can throw it up there, Psychoanalytics called Fire Child, Water child. This is Dr. Stephen Cohen. I really recommend him. He's an amazing human being. He's a doc, he's an MD that works with people with their kids. And people come with all their problems and instead of showing them what the problem is, they show them that this is how their kids wired and there's nothing wrong with them. Like you'd have this not just for your kid, but maybe your spouse, maybe yourself, if you're judging yourself too much. Here are the five elements real fast. I think of seasons because once again, that's the same pattern. The Chinese, they took springtime, wood, fire, summer, earth, harvest, and fall. Now, fall, they divide in two parts. There's the harvest, and then there's the fall part of autumn, and then there's winter. When you're born, they believe you have certain elements that are well developed. Now, you can change them over time in your life. You can develop more, but this is your nature. Let's start with wood. They're hero qualities. That means what's best about them, their needs, what are their strengths when they're in balance? And then what are the challenges when they're out of balance? Meaning every strength can also be a weakness in certain contexts. Does that make sense? If you're really driven, I'm really driven. That's a great strength, but it's also a weakness because it means you never shut off. You could burn out. And then lastly is what emotional traits are most common in that personality and even physically, what shows up? Think of the hero quality of a wood. They're a visionary. This is somebody that's a pioneer. They're a leader. They're somebody who initiates. Their real gift is grit. They'll push through. They'll find the way. Woods will not be stopped. Woods in our culture tend to be entrepreneurs very often or they run things. They make it happen because what they do is they get a vision and they're going to go make it happen. And obstacles are not going to stop them. Their needs are. They need to constantly feel like they're making progress. They need to constantly be moving forward. They love exploring, they seek out challenges and they need to win. They don't mind danger. In fact, a sense of progress they know comes from putting themselves on the line. And these individuals really want freedom. They're constantly banging up against challenges so they can obliterate them. And their strength is they're free. They have movement, they have motion, they have speed, they create breakthroughs. But he has a great term, I love this term he uses because he does it with kids. Your strength, if you go into the weaker part of yourself, becomes a weakness. He calls it the puppy heart. We all have a little puppy heart, meaning when you're not so resourceful, those same good qualities can turn into a negative quality. And the negative qualities when the person's out of balance is they get angry really easy. They get pushy, they can be impatient, they're difficult to managing their own emotions. And the primary emotion they have when things aren't going their way is anger. What is fire? Well, fire, their qualities are slight difference. Wood and fire are both high energy, extroverted type of personalities. The difference is fire is more of a comedian. The wood's very serious. They're going to push through. This person has a good time. They're eternal optimists. The woods would say they're overly optimistic. They tend to be an unconditional lover. They can be an inspiring leader. They have a zest for life, a passion and aliveness. That's what fire is. It burns pretty awesome. Intensely. They need joy or they really get upset. They need humor, they need enjoyment. They need engagement in their strengths. They're playful, they're creative, they're optimistic. They feel intensely. They're charismatic. They can be an inspiring leader. They tend to be really intuitive. But in their puppy heart, when they're in a bad state, the same quality tends to be overly dramatic, silly, impulsive or bored. And the physical trait, this person gets really aggressive. While wood might get angry, they're angry at the problem. This person gets aggressive. And the physical quality is hypoglycemia. Happens all the time. They get low blood sugar and they get what we call hangry. You all have two things. Wood's my primary. My wife's and I have a lot of fire, but wood's first. My wife is fire first. Now, what's great about this is I remember when I met her, I was like, you know, I just want you to know I'm here to change the earth. I don't stop. This is what I'M about. But I'd really like to laugh more. I'd almost wish I'd never said that shit to her because she laughs at all the inappropriate times. But it really creates a balance for me. And I have a lot of fire too. But she has even more. I'll be more serious, she'll be more playful about those pieces. Earth is a quality. Where it's the peacemaker, now it's less extroverted. This is a connector. This is a good neighbor kind of loyal sidekick. Their strength is empathy. And they try to build community. They try to bring people together. Their needs are teamwork and caring and sharing a loyalty and collaboration and contribution. These are really important people in our lives. And their strengths, again, caring, sharing, loyal, collaborative. They create community. They have common unity, they inspire conversations, nurturer. But when they're out of balance, when they're stressed out, the first thing that turns up for this group is worry. People who are like this worry all the time. They're not warriors, they're worriers. And they get confused, they get disorganized and indecisive and they try to please everybody and they lose their center. And physically, what that looks like. Anger and aggression appear. It's worry here. And they tend to have insomnia and digestive issues because they're worrying all the time. So again, a really important quality. Now, the first two, extremely extroverted. This one not introverted. It's like in the middle, trying to bring everybody together. Now you're what's called gold or metal. This person has different qualities. I wouldn't call it introverted, but it's not super extroverted. This person is about precision. They're a wise judge. They're logical. Their gift is grace. If you know somebody like this, they're incredibly graceful, they're elegant. They think things through, they evaluate, they slow down. Let's get this in a system very systemic. Whereas wood is very pragmatic. Let's make it happen. What they do is they want to produce order and consistency. Gratitude is one of the things that they really need. Their strengths, they inspire precision. This person is logical. Order, details and beauty and aesthetics are really important to this person. So everybody helps everybody else. Earth, by the way, is my second quality. That's how I create a community like this. The wood pushes through, but the earth cares about how everybody gets along and connects them. They're all different pieces. People that are metals, easily insulted. They get self righteous. And in their most physical breakdown, it's grief. That's the emotion. They feel the most. They can get stuck in a sense of perceived loss. The last one real quick is water. And water is very much more introverted. They may act extroverted, but their core is introverted. Anyone can behave a certain way, but what are they? What are they comfortable with? This is your philosopher or poet. They're a dreamer. They're the nutty professor. They're always looking for deeper insight. This person wants a sense of calm and peace. They want quiet and immersion. They're always looking for the truth, for deeper meaning. They go deeper in the inquiry. They tend to be timeless. They lose track of time completely. I can as well, but these people completely lose track of time. They don't know where they are, what's going on. So I have to bring them back out of it. It's not because they don't care. It's because they're in this space of just water, just water just flows. It doesn't get chopped up by the metal. It doesn't have to go, you know, push, like the wood. It doesn't just burn. It's a different experience now. The challenge. In the bousie state, they withdraw. They are absent minded. They can feel disengaged or fearful. And the primary emotion they have when they're really stressed is fear. They're worried about, are they pleasing everybody? Is everybody okay? And that can lead to fatigue and even hypochondria. You have different gifts than I have. They're not the same. They're different. They're uniquely to you. And so I asked myself, you know, what are you here to teach me? And I said, I figured it out. And so I've come to have you teach me.