How To Shift Your Fear of Not Being Enough | Tony Robbins FULL Intervention

Do you know what the number one fear is for human beings all over the earth? Because I've worked in every country in the world. The number one fear is that people is that they're not enough. How does it feel like if you're not enough for the one you crave and love? Devastating, is it not? But that leads to the deeper fear. The deeper fear is if I'm not enough, I won't be loved. And love is the oxygen of life. Yes, ma', am, Right here. Stand up. Give her a hand. Yes, ma'. Am. In the blue. Give it up for him. What's your name? Where are you from?

My name is Debbie and I live in Los Angeles. I'm from Arkansas though.

Give her a hand for my life. So, so Debbie, tell us what, what did you learn out of this that's a breakthrough for you? What were your old emotions that dominated your life?

I struggle with this a lot. I have a lot of emotions. So I've realized the ones that I probably live in most of my day to day world.

Good.

I guess my most empowering emotions would probably be love and joy and strength. I do believe that there's a lot of love that I give to those around me and I'm strong and I'm noticed as that. But it's also the part that is disempowering internally for me when it comes to giving that love and being the strength for those around me. So it's been kind of a push and pull in my life because I've got a lot of to take care of. But I've also know that the love and joy is what I need to.

Make me if I'm constantly pouring out all this stuff because by the way. Because it's my identity to do so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not just something I do, it's my identity. Identity means this is who I am.

Right.

That's different than what I do. But who I am will control what I do. If your identity, just as a metaphor was, think of your identity as like a temperature in this room. If I set the temperature in this room at 72 degrees and it drops suddenly to let's say 68, 67, 65, eventually, who knows what's going to happen. The computer is used to your comfort zone. That's what she set. She set the comfort zone that I'm the person always giving. I'm the one loving, I'm the one strengthening. That's how she built her identity that makes her feel good about herself. But then conversely, if she's always doing that. It's like I did with my sons. And it's like when I needed some help, you know, you're fine, right? Because I taught them I was that way. And then it felt like, wait a sec, I'm still human. But I created that because that was what I needed to do, is I always needed the person who helped. Always had to be the person that gave. I never wanted to take. Yeah, I. Takers are horrible people. I'm not one of those. So when I had no money, I would take people out. And then I was like, I'd pay for lunch and I'd have like a salad or a nice tea instead. I had already eaten. It was. I just couldn't afford it. I was like. As they calculated, I shrunk my meal down to nothing. And most of my life was that way. Until one day I realized I didn't need to sacrifice to be worthy of love. That was my model sacrifice. Sound familiar? So. So it's her identity. Do you understand the difference? So if you set that thing at 68 degrees, 72 degrees, roughs to 68, 66, 65, eventually the computer goes, hey, hey, hey, you're a 72 degree. What the hell are you doing down here? And you feel pressure because it's not good enough to make it better. Who's been through this experience somewhere in your life, say I. But it also, by the way, happens on the other end. If you think you're a 72 degree or that 72 degrees is what you're not what you want in a relationship, it's your home, it's what you're used to. You're used to always being the giver. You've identified yourself as the giver. So you will attract, usually a taker. And they're not a bad person. It's just you invited them in. And I used to do that. I used to give and give and give. And eventually I'd be like, do I show up in this thing anywhere? Right. But then I realized I picked these people. I'm the culprit, not them. I'm the culprit because my identity required that. So. But by the way, if you think you're a 72 degree or that represents your body a certain way, not your ideal, just what you're used to. Your home, that's your level of happiness you're used to. Or so. So that's your level of intimacy. That's your level of connection to God, whatever it is. Financials, you want more, but people don't usually get what they want. They get what they absolutely need. And what they need is their identity. So what happens is now, let's say you do better than you expect. You go from 72 to 74 to 78 to 88 to 90, 92, 90 degrees. What happens? Something inside your brain goes, hey, hey, hey. The hell are you doing up here? You're a 72°er. You're gonna fry up here. And now you begin to. Air conditioners kick on to bring you back where you used to be. Or you start to sabotage things until all of a sudden you're back where you were. It's not where you want to be, it's home. It's what you're used to. Raise your hand if you can follow that. It happens on both sides. So the way we got to expand so the change lasts. And that's what's going to happen here. Because also, one of the fastest way to change your identity is change the way you move, the way you use your voice. That's. We're going to do all this radical stuff that seems weird or crazy or silly, but if we expand the realm of that, it'll be easy to expand our identity. When people don't, do, they go, I can't do that. I'm not one of those people. Well, when did you decide who you were? Like, were you 12 or 20 or 30? Like, most of you in this room would never use a phone from 10 years ago. You think I was an idiot would do that? We upgrade every year, but we don't always upgrade our identity. And so it limits where we stand. So that's the trap she gets in. So the downside. Emotions, Debbie, are what?

I have a lot of guilt. I live in guilt. And I know it sounds ridiculous, I'm almost embarrassed to say it, but I'm being vulnerable.

That's beautiful. Give her a hand for her honesty. It's beautiful. I live.

I live in the guilt of feeling as if I'm not doing enough for what my capability is, because I know I have the strength and I know what I'm capable of when it kicks in, I go back into the guilt and then I start feeling lonely, depressed, anxiety. And I'm no good for those around me that actually do need me.

And how do you. I'm curious of one thing, though. You're very resilient, aren't you, Debbie?

You're very.

Yes, because that's part of our identity as well. So I go these shitty places, but I eventually get out of it. How do you get yourself out of it when you do. I'm curious how you do.

I don't know that I want to be proud of this moment.

You don't need to be proud. Just tell us what you do.

I got to go for a walk. I got to go for a run. I got to get away from others. I got to get in my own head and reset.

And by the way, she said she's going to get in her head, but everything she just said was physical. Did you all hear that? She goes for a radical change in her. What? Physiology. That's why it works. And then once she's in a better state, she can handle her head, but she does it physically. She calls it getting into her head. It's not getting her head, actually. Get in your head, you're dead. Write that one down. That's true. That's usually what messes you up, because your head is always constantly reducing things to nothingness. Good, bad, right, wrong, and life isn't that. But it reduces things. It distorts, deletes in general, that's what the mind does. Not your heart, not your soul, not your spirit. That's very different. That's an expansive energy. That's a different kind of feeling. So she uses physiology and she thinks she shouldn't be proud of that. I think you'd be very proud of that because most people would go to a medication or alcohol or drugs which don't work. Give her a hand. Very nice. Beautiful job. Oh, yes. But I agree there. Besides being able to do that, what if we broke the pattern earlier so it doesn't get so notice? It starts to create this trigger of a series of negative emotions. How many have something like this? Something happens that triggers multiple things, and then you're in a really lousy pace. And it makes it hard to have a great relationship or be a great parent or be a great business person in this place. So she's resilient and committed. So she finds it out. But she's doing what I call a crazy eight. She goes to a set of emotions that make her feel more sad and more alone and more separate and guilty and so forth. And they make her feel inferior. And she does that for a while as a punishment to herself. But then her brain's like, I don't want to feel this way. So she starts to get angry and pissed off and frustrated, and then she exhausts that and it gets a little sad again until it works its way down. How accurate am I in my description of what you go through?

You must Be, you know, somewhere in my head. I don't know how that's working, but.

We all have these crazy eights. And some people exited by eating, some by a big work project, some by spending time with somebody. Love. But we tend to go back and forth. And the reason is, like, if you're with somebody and they're crying uncontrollably and you have no skill and you just stay present with them, that's all you do. Eventually, they're going to stop crying because their nervous system gets tired of being in that state. It meets some needs to cry. But what's interesting is she eventually exhausts that emotion. So then she goes to the opposite that meets some other needs. She has when she feels angry and pissed off, she feels more certain and more significant. She doesn't like feeling insignificant and uncertain. But you get angry too long. Your nervous system can't handle it. Like, even happiness. How many of you ever smiled so much your face hurt? We need variety in our nervous system. But what she really needs is a more powerful emotion that would circumvent this. So what's the new emotion, Debbie, that you brought up? One or two that you think could change all of this?

I think that I really just need to focus on the gratitude that I do have and I do have. And I know that a lot of us all say it and talk about gratitude, really looking at your own gifts from within. All of us have a gift and discovering what that gift is. And I've been part of this program since Day with Destiny. And if we would have talked in December, I would not be answering this the same way. But I really need to focus on the gratitude that I have within so that I can guide others with the strength that I do have. That is part of my gift.

Yes.

And tap into that gift to be able to give to others, which in the end, will give me the fulfillment I think that I need.

Very nice. What do I say? Oh, yes. So let's do this. Show me the state of. What'd you say the most negative state is? You had two of them. The primary ones, guilt. And what was the other one?

Guilt and anxiety.

Anxiety. Okay. They kind of go together for you, don't they? So demonstrate guilt first. What do you do with your body when you're feeling guilty? Think of a time when you started feeling guilty.

I just. I. I tense. I look away. I. I don't talk to anybody. There's no picking.

Tense, I look away.

It's like, yeah, a little bit. No smiling. No. No eye contact.

What Happens to your breathing.

Oh, non existent.

Non existent. Yeah. Which creates a little bit of anxiety when you don't get any oxygen. Just to give you a sense. Right.

Just doesn't happen.

So there's all this tension. There's no release. And it gets stronger and stronger and stronger. Okay, show us real gratitude. By the way, when she says real gratitude, she doesn't mean just saying shit. She means thinking, putting myself in the state, as if I was there feeling this and connecting to that feeling. That's different than just saying it. So show us what gratitude looks like in your body. Go ahead and do real gratitude.

Gratitude for me. I believe in a higher power.

So how many see the change in her right now already before she even tells us? Raise your hand if you can see.

It in the world and I can just focus on no matter what goes on, doesn't matter, disaster, doesn't matter. Little things in life. When I remember my higher power, that is what grounds me. And so when I can live within that state, I can conquer whatever I want in life.

How do you feel when you're in that gratitude state?

I feel light. I feel like somebody took the weight off of the back that I've been carrying for a while.

Put that weight on the back of your shoulders.

Well, that's a really long story. So I don't want to do this.

No, it's not. It's a very short story. The long story is why it's still there. Well, you make up a long story. It's very hard to solve. Who put that weight on your shoulders?

My weight involves a lot of people. My weight on my back does involve a lot of people. So it is my fault. And I acknowledge it's not fault.

I'm just saying who put it there? I'm not saying who gets benefit from it. I'm saying who put it there? This is the part we forget.

Well.

I know you want to say somebody besides yourself, but I also know you're smart enough to know the truth and that if you Go ahead, tell.

I like to say that God only gives you the things that you can handle. Yes, I believe that I can handle this. So it's up to me to deal with the weight on my back. I know I'm capable.

Yes, but God doesn't put the weight on our back. Okay, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I'm making shit up. We all have different beliefs about who God is, so we're all different. I'm not pretending to have the answers around that, but I'm just pointing out one thing. The universe didn't put those things on your shoulders. You did. And you did it because it meets some of your needs. This meets some of her needs. Having to shoulder all these things and being so strong and loving and being the giver meets her needs. To believe that she's a good person. And I'll show you where it came from just real fast. Whose love did you crave growing up? Your mother or father? All of us, by the way. Don't the rest of you answer this question? This is only for her. But all of us have a source of love that we desired most that was not as fulfilled at the highest level we want. And we all have had mothers and fathers. Whether you knew them or not doesn't matter. You still have some idea of what was expected. So whose love did you crave the most? You may have loved them both equally, but whose love did you crave the most? Your mother or your father? I'm only answering her this question. Can I answer which one?

It was both.

It was both. Okay, great. But who's.

It was really unique. It was both.

Okay, and which one do you think was just a little bit more.

My father?

Yes. It was both. My father. Okay, so this is how she tries to rationalize shit in her life. Right. Okay, so here's my question, if I may. Who did you have to be for your father? And I don't want you to think I want just instantly what comes out. Who did you need to be in order to have his attention or respect? What kind of person did you have to be? How did you have to act? How did you have to be? First reaction. Try not to think. Just give me answers. There's no good or bad. Just tell me.

Strong.

That's right. Who else did you have to be?

I had to be resilient.

Resilient. Strong.

I had to be. No excuses. There's just move on.

No excuses. Just move on. Right. How many of those things are you today?

All of them.

That's right. Who could you never be for your father? I could never be. What? I could never act. Like how? Weak. Weak. What else could you never be for? Your father can never be weak. You can never be. Just first thing pops in your head.

He died too young. So I can't remember.

I understand. However. Even if you'd never met your father and. And it was the source you'd crave because he wasn't there or he was, but he wasn't there while he was here or he was the hardest to please. That would make you crave it more if you didn't know him very long and they died. You still have a belief that you gathered from the impressions of the people around you who you'd need to be to have that person's love or respect. And it still influences her today, 20 years later, at 25 years old.

Take that.

So I want you to notice, decades later, it's still affecting her. How many years ago did he pass away?

He died in 1991. I was 17.

Okay, I'm sorry to hear you lost him, but. So he's gone, but you still have an impression of who you need to be.

I'm very much like him. It's crazy. The older I get, the more I become. But he was actually an amazing man.

That's beautiful. So she has tremendous respect for him. Her source of love is still to crave him, even though he's not there. And so she's trying to prove that she's those things. There's just only one challenge. He wanted all the best for her. And so as a masculine man, he made her as masculine as possible, as opposed to showing how to meet the same needs and still use masculine and feminine or lead with feminine. Now, all of us are born with masculine energy. Whether you're a man or woman, you have it in you. All of us are born with feminine energy. Whether you're a man or woman, you have it in you. And we have a primary set of identity emotions that we're born with. And there's some people that are wired differently, obviously, but most people have a primary one. The only problem is we get conditioned. When you're born, you can be what? Your brand new baby? What can you do?

Anything.

Anything. And you're still love because your parents are still high on drugs. The drug's called oxytocin. It's a drug that all parents get, but mothers get tenfold. That's why fathers can leave. Healthy mothers can't. If the mother left or gave their baby up because their biochemistry was messed up, they can't. Otherwise it's literally that powerful. Have you ever seen a mother didn't think their baby girl or boy was beautiful? Even though they had no teeth and were farting and shit coming out of them, that's drugs. But it doesn't last forever, right? So her father, being a caring father, was like, I know what made it work for me. I became stronger than that shit. I pushed it. I'll take the burden, I'll take the strap, I'll push through. Nothing will stop Me. True, true. So he's like, I'm gonna give that to my baby girl. So he pushed her like crazy. And that was how she earned his love. And now he's gone. She's still doing it. But what he didn't understand because he was male, was she's wired female, which means she can use all those things that he did. She still does. They're fantastic. But the reason she's not happy is because there's times when she doesn't feel like she wants to be carrying the shoulders. She doesn't want to have to be the one to solve it all. She wants to actually let go and be feminine. And so a part of her being is unnurtured. How many follow this? Right? And it's a critical part of her being. Most of our cultures taught women that masculinity is more powerful than femininity, which is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life. There's no question feminine, true feminine energy, not fake. Manipulated feminine energy has more power than masculine energy always has. It's also true that throughout human ages, for centuries, immature masculine abused feminine. Immature masculine would never abuse you. Mature masculine would give their life for you. If you looked at human history, for most of human history, both sides are willing to risk their life. The men went out to risk their lives to capture, fight off the bear, the saber toothed tiger, whatever it was, bring back the food. And the women sacrificed their lives to see if they could have children for the species and for the family. And went out looked for berries and shit. And they learned historically to deal with things differently. The women learned to talk constantly. No, they did. Do you know why? If you're going out in the environment, you don't want an animal to be surprised by making noises. They are worn. Men learn to shut up because when you're hunting something, one sound and you lose. What's going on? Then we evolved to where women didn't need men for support. And so the world changed. And most of society said, if you're a woman, you need power, become masculine. But you'll notice most women who use masculine as their source, unless they truly are masculine, when many are, they're miserable because she's living her father's life, not her own. And yet she loves and respects her father. And I do too. And those qualities she just described, she's not to give up. But if they're the primary only qualities, then the feminine side can never come out and be alive. And that's what she's missing. So when you picked your new emotions and you go to a higher power. For those who believed in a higher power, that's like, it's no longer me. It's something more than myself. It's guided. Now she trusts. That's a feminine quality. The masculine quality has to do it. The feminine quality trusts. I have both of them well developed in me. That's why I can work with people on both sides. I can cry at the drop of a hat, especially when somebody does the right thing. I can't control it. Tears pour out of me. Something about that just moves me. And yet I can rip up on building for 12 hours. So I have both those qualities, so I can use them to connect. So the goal is not to be one or another. I'm trying to say women should be a certain way. Men are. That's sucking bullshit. We all know that's bullshit. But we have to know what our primary source is and to realize the. Your primary source of love has built your model of the world. The love you craved has shaped the way you live. And if you wake up now and say, I honor that, but I need to decide who I am today. Cause when you're a little baby, you could be anything. But then gradually, you learn whether it's true or not. You begin to believe I need to behave a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain way to be worthy of their significant love. And so you start adapting. And if you're not doing it, you feel pressure inside because the pressure is losing love. Do you know what the number one fear is for human beings all over the earth? Because I've worked in every country in the world, the number one fear is that people is that they're not enough. How does it feel like if you're not enough for the one you crave and love? It's devastating, is it not? But that leads to deeper fear. The deeper fear is, if I'm not enough, I won't be loved. And love is the oxygen of life. It's where. If a baby's not physically caressed in love, doctors, nurses in the room, what happens? It's called failure to thrive. They die. We're the only animals on the planet that if you don't touch and love them in the beginning, they die. And the rest of our lives, we want it. But we don't want the hurt that comes. Because when you were born, what did you have to do to be loved? Nothing. You could shit all over your mother, green shit. She still loved you. Spit shit up, vomit, knock your plate aside she still loves you because she's full of oxytocin. But there's a day when that shit wears out. And then for the first time, fear into your body because all of a sudden you did the same thing, said the same things, but now you get yelled at or smacked or, oh, what's worse than yelled at and smacked? Anyone know what's worse? Ignored. And that's when fear entered your body. And some people's response to fear was. And they try to do something to be worthy. And all of a sudden, Mary gets up, Susie gets up, Debbie gets up, and she's walking for the first time. Debbie's walking. Oh, my God. Everybody look. Debbie. Oh, Debbie, Debbie. She's walking. And guess what? You learn the rest of your life. I got to keep achieving, so I'm enough and I'm loved. But the truth is, in our society, when you achieve a lot, people usually resent you. It's weird, because we begin to overvalue a need called significance because of social media, where if you're doing well, maybe I'm not doing as well. You might think they're just equal to you, but they don't think so. So now they're mad and want to take you down. That's what our society's become, unfortunately, just overvaluing a need. But the point of the matter is she's no longer Debbie. She's no longer open. She's had it become a certain way. She believes, and she's complying with it because she doesn't. She goes into fear to fear that she would miss that love from her father. It's unconscious. But what if there was the ability to honor your father and simultaneously have the feminine side of you come out? I would tell you the first thing you'll notice, ladies, when you're becoming masculine is you tighten things. It's a protection. Tighten. That's what men do. That's why you can't dance for shit. Women flow and move, but for her, there's so much tension, her nervous system, because she's operating in her masculine most of the time. By the way, our society teaches women under stress to become more masculine. And men under stress become more feminine, more pleasing. Whatever you want, fine. Whatever you do. Which then, by the way, pisses off the woman. You go, she wants me to please her, but she doesn't want me to be a pleaser. What does that mean? Men are totally confused, ladies. How many of you can't stand a guy that's constantly trying to please you? Make some noise, ladies. Out There. How many of you ladies can't stand a man that can't make a decision? Make some noise. Of course when he makes it, you'll tell him you're wrong, right? Ladies, how many of you can't stand a man who takes more time to get ready than you? That's how he feels when you tell him about your day. So she's operating in one mode and she's multi mode. She doesn't need to be feminine all the time, but she can't be masculine all the time. What do you think you are primarily inside Debbie, Masculine or feminine?

I actually think that I am feminine side.

Yes, you are.

I really am. I One more piece to this story.

Yes.

My mother always praised the fact that I was masculine. So I had a double encouragement to be. Look at her, she can do this and she's done this and she does this and. And sometimes I just would rather be, you know, just not not.

And it's crazy but if you're not, then you're nobody.

I tell a lot of my single friends that are divorced and I really need to go get a job and this. Be careful what you wish for. You got to be ready. Where it's not just about getting back on the horse and making money. It's got to be from when within. And yeah, I'm grateful that I can. Never thought I'd pay for my kids college. I didn't think I'd be able to afford to as a single mother. But guess what? When it comes to feminine, I am feminine inside. And I love nothing more than to have that.

By the way, how many see how smooth her face and muscles become when she talks about being feminine? Raise your hand if you can actually see it. Right. So the evidence of what's real is not what I'm going to tell you. Screw me. The evidence is always right in front of us here. And by the way, if we can do this with Debbie, we can start to investigate this better with ourselves because she, by the way, she's honored us with an incredible level of honesty and courage that most people would never have inside these thesis. It's fantastic. Yes. And by the way, courage is not a masculine quality or a feminine quality. It's a human quality. Courageous means you're scared, but you do it anyway because you know there's a higher purpose in it. So you've really helped how many gotten great insights from her here for yourself related here. So I want you to know Debbie, you're helping everybody. But in order for you to have a different Level when you go to the spiritual side, you're basically surrendering to something that's a feminine quality. And for the masculine men in this room who have never surrendered, and to me it's surrender. What if surrender was the ultimate success? What if surrender really meant you were filled with faith, encouraged? It says I don't know how, but I know I'll find the way. I always have, always will. I'll be guided to it. And that allowed you to let all that tension drop out of your body. And now the feminine side could actually guide you a little bit. That could be true for a man as much as it is a woman. But the pleasing that men do today really doesn't make women happy. Because most women pick a guy that they think they can control. They do it because something men don't understand. Watch this. Gentlemen. How many men in the last month have felt unsafe? Concern for your safety. Now if you look around the room, out of 12,000 people there's about six and one is a. How old are you sir? One's an 11 year old boy. Ladies, if you felt unsafe sometime in the last month, raise your hand. Keep your hands up. Look around this room. It's 90% of the women in this room. Now men don't understand this. See, I don't worry if I'm walking down to pick up my car underground in a place I'm six, seven and I've been in plenty of fights and have people bring a gun to me. And I've also trained myself how to deal with all those things. I have zero fear. It's not ego, it's just I'm well trained, I know what to do. It's unlikely to happen. If it does, it will. I'm ready. But would I let my wife go downstairs by herself underground to get her car? No way. And why? She's merciless. She's fear. If they just kidnap her, I know they'll send her back. She will torture those people. She's as feminine as day is long. But she's got more masculinity here than most men. I know she's got both qualities and one of the reasons why it's such a great love. But the truth is I'd never put her in that situation. And I know if she was in that situation her spidey senses are going crazy. Because women have been prey most of their life and the thing that's hurt the most has been a undeveloped man having false masculinity. False meaning immature masculinity. I'm going to control you. I'm going to direct you now, by the way. That can be fun in a certain context. Having someone control and direct for some people, right? It's nice for variety and a change and so forth. Okay. Notice that the feminine hers there, that's part of how you'll know which one is primary. You. Are you the one that wants to take or be taken? Thank you, ma'. Am. She had no difficulty sharing that. So my point of the matter is, I want you to get. This is. I'm not telling you any of you one or the other, but you got to see what your primary is and it's got to be part of your daily life or you will not be fulfilled. She can do anything a man can do. I've had women that are the number one in the world better than any man at something. I won't mention their names to give them their own privacy. Famous as could be. If I mention the name, you know who they are. Made more money than did everything and miserable on every antidepressant you can imagine. Because it's hard to love yourself when you're not being yourself. When you're being yourself, it's easy to love yourself. But if you don't think being yourself would be loved, and your mom did that too, I'm sure, because she admired those qualities in your father. So it's like, my baby girl's gonna be strong. So all you got was reinforcement from it until you got out in the world and you were reinforced for it to extent. But then you realize there's a limit to what this gives back because it isn't fulfilling my soul, my spirit, the way I'm actually wired as a human being. So I want you to notice we're playing three dimensional chess with our lives here. And this seems really complex, but if you want to really have the quality of life you deserve, we got to upgrade your emotional piece. But we also got to notice what's driving it. And everyone in this room, who here the love you crave most was your mother. Who here the love you crave most with your father. Interesting. More fathers in this room. And what did you have to be to have your mother or father's love, the one you craved? How did you have to be? How did you have to act? How did you have to behave? And who could you never be for that person? How could you never act? And are you mostly those things today? How many of you mostly those things today that you need to be Raise your hand nice and high. Look around the room. It's the dominant thing that drives your life. So it's time to update our model of the world. Remember I said there's two things here. There's our state, which we change, that it changes everything. But our model of world is our beliefs. We're going to do both here. I'm just giving you the range of what we're doing. We'll start with just coming up with these emotions. Now she can just change to this new emotion. You saw, it worked. She softened. Everything happened. So that's her first step to doing this. But the next step might be an expansion of her identity to man. I can be tough as nails, and I can be as soft as whatever the right metaphor is. And I deserve to have that softness. And I deserve to not have to hold everything up. And I deserve to let this woman in me be free. And what you'll discover is truly masculine men. When a woman is hurting or in pain, men gravitate to that woman. I don't care how old she is. She could be an older woman, whatever. They gravitate, they're pulled to vulnerability. But here's the problem. Decades ago, the world changed. It used to be very clear roles. These guys did this, these women did that, and worked a certain way. You risked your life, and in the beginning, by the way, who was dominant, in control, who had the most power, was female. And I'll prove it to you. How many of you men out there, when you were in junior high school or high school, there was a girl you absolutely were adored, wanted to be with, wanted to connect with, and you felt you weren't enough because you knew she was going to be dating a what guy? Older or younger? Quick.

Older.

Which one?

Older.

And what did he have that you didn't have? What was it?

Car.

That's right, a car. Resources, money. If you were genetic duplicates in the culture, she's the prettiest, you're the most handsome. She had the power. You still paid. You still had to walk across and ask. You had to take all the risk. You had to do everything. And it was very likely that a man with more resources, older, more resources, you had no chance against. And every man knows that. So our capacity to transform our lives comes when we use more of our capacity of who we are. Not just one part that was basically directed as our model of the world by our interpretation of our. The parent whose love we suffer, we wanted the most. And if you never knew them, it could be an uncle or an aunt or grandfather that was a source of love. But Somebody's love you craved. So I'm offering you a chance to upgrade your home, but even more importantly, upgrade your identity and expand the ways you can be fulfilled so you're not stuck. Because all that tension. How many? Notice the amount of tension in her body. You could see it in the beginning when she was talking and moving and all that stuff. All that tension comes from only using a part of who she is. Do you want to say something, my love?

Oh, hi, honey. Hi, everybody. I'm the one that.

This is Sage Robbins, ladies and gentlemen.

Hello, Sage.

Hi.

Lovely to speak with you. Hi. How are you? I'm really good. It's beautiful to see you and watch you. How many women in the room can relate to Debbie? Yes. Oh, yes. I just want you to know that you're not alone. And isn't it interesting, and this is for all the women in the room, that as women are rising on the world stage, it's how we rise. You know, there's the masculine wing, because we all have masculine and feminine genius, as Tony mentioned. But it's like the feminine as a whole is undervalued. And it isn't just men or society that are undervaluing women. It's us. Do you hear that?

Yes.

Yes.

Or women are overvaluing masculine energy.

Yes.

Within themselves.

Within themselves and within each other. Isn't it absurd that our state of being, that our vulnerability, that our love, that our kindness, that our softness, that our, like, artistry. To be a woman, like, to be feminine in all of life, it's artistic, it's nuanced, it's captivating, it's mysterious. And there is nothing more decimating or more powerful than a woman who's connected to both energies. Yeah. And I see that in you. I see that it's in all of us. And a lot of times, in the doing of life and the busyness of life and the responsibility of life, we disconnect. And so this is about tuning in. And for the women in this room, tune into her, feel her, experience her, because to miss that other half is a miss. Inside of ourselves, we hold a power. And that power is our capacity to love. That is our truest power. And as we allow that to extend is we allow that to emit this world changes. This world heals, and the world around us heals. So I see you. You're lovely. And to every woman in this room, claim her. Claim her. Connect to her. God bless you. I thank you. Thank.

You. Yes. By the way, the feminine comes out and expands by praise. So Gentlemen, if you say, go back and you see your woman, you're just too masculine. That's the stupidest thing you could have ever said in your life. I don't want you leaving doing that. That shows total idiocy. You got to find the little things and praise them. Women's feminine responds to praise. I learned to notice the earrings, I learned to notice the shoes. I learned how much they mean to women. A woman could put on one shoe, she's a different woman, she puts on other shoes, she's another woman. If you don't notice which woman's in front of you, she feels unnoticed, unheard, unseen. And then she'll turn to her masculine out of frustration, right? So, gentlemen, you want to praise. Ladies, you want to praise yourself and praise each other. Most women judge other feminine women. I didn't learn it till I married my wife and saw so many women. My wife is a lover of women, as you could probably tell all humans. But what would be amazing is how many women would be so mean to her because she's an attractive woman and she actually loves women. She wants them to shine. She's not trying to shine herself. So women are not good, whether they're women. How many women would agree women are worse with women than they are with men. So, ladies, it's time to, like, reconnect to that within yourself. And then you won't deal with others. By the way, gentlemen, masculinity grows with challenge, right? That's why men are always preparing themselves for the world or their kids or their boys. By doing what your father did with you, pushing them. I don't care what you go through, you step back up. I was tough. Get up again, right? I'm very different with my daughters than with my sons. It seems totally unfair, but it's true. It's like, I want them nurtured, I want them strengthened. I'm constantly challenging my boys now. I nurture them as well. But I've been challenging them to make them men. So, you know, do you say to a woman, why are you so masculine? That brings out masculinity. You're the one creating it. But if you can catch all the finer things and praise the feminine, you'll see the feminine grow. And by the way, gentlemen, what will make your masculine grow? And you may feel it's there, but if you're busy trying to please all the time. And by the way, women hate a pleaser. Yes, they want to be pleased. It's different for a woman. Is it true, ladies, make some noise if it's true. So these guys know it. They can't stand a please. Always try to please them. Even though they want to be pleased, they want to know they can trust you. And one of the ways they can trust you is if you're pleasing all the time, then you'll probably do that with someone else. So it's like can I be crazy and you still love me and not let me run over you? Is a test. It's not a conscious test. Women love to test. They don't even know why they're doing it. They do it because they've been prey their whole life. They can't do it to you physically, so they do it verbally. They try to emasculate you and if you just accept it and fall apart, she can't trust you. And many men get worn out just by the number of words that a woman uses because it's very different. Were wired very differently. But you can train yourself to be different. But what's most important, women on them wonder, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? What's going on? Nothing. When he says nothing, that makes her angry because she doesn't believe it. Because if a woman goes to a party, she notices everything. Well, Susie was there, Mary was there and she was wearing the shirt and she had the push up bra and then there's the yellow thing she's doing. And I think those two are starting to have an attraction for you. They notice every detail. Same guy goes to the same party, he has no clue. So if she says to a woman, you went to that party, what happened, what was there? And she goes, yeah, basically nothing. That bitch is hiding something. Ladies, raise your hand if it's true. Make some noise. If that's what you believe, make some noise. However, when a man says there's nothing because that's pretty much what he goes. He goes to let go of his brain and not think. Most men don't hang out and talk about their relationships on their knees. John Gray aside, nobody else does. Not a male, masculine male. We don't talk about it, we don't have any details about it. Somebody else is talking about it, we're pissed. So when they say nothing, they actually mean nothing. But you don't trust it because you think men are just hairy women that need your coaching and men think you're just a beautiful, over chunked over, organized, overruled driven human being. That's way more stress than you need to be. And they're happy to tell you how to fix it. And you love that don't you, ladies? Because every man is rewarded for his ability to solve problems. Because the masculine world is about hierarchy. Every man knows it. Every man figures out within hockey. Women get really upset when men tell details about things or they think they're exaggerating it. But if I show you videos of children, which I do in my programs to do with my Platinum relationship program, I'll show you kids that are preschool, and you'll notice something different. Boys and girls interact radically different before they've been socialized. First of all, boys do things together and they do it in groups, usually, not just one on one. Most girls have a best friend who they tell secrets to. Make some noise, ladies, if it's true, come on. Boys don't tell fucking secrets. They compete. So I can show you a video that's a psychologist shows. And it's these preschoolers, and it's these three, four boys, and they're running around in a tunnel and shit. Now they gotta pause for a moment, they're thinking. And one boy says, I had a baseball over the fence. And mother's like, why do those boys lie? Because they don't understand it's part of a game between men. And the next boy pauses and he goes, I hit a baseball to the next city. The third boy, scratching his head for a moment, he figures that. He goes, I hit baseball to God. Next conversation boy goes, we went to Disneyland last weekend. There was a pause and the other boy goes, we went to Disneyland for a week. Third boy goes, we live at Disneyland. You watch the girls completely different. Men are one upsmanship, girls are one downsmanship, right? It's like, you're beautiful. No, you're beautiful. So you're one downsmanship. So you don't understand when men, what you call brag, they're playing the game of hierarchy. When you think your boys are lying, you're really hurting them. You keep, you know, lose the game because of you. Because you think that's how life's supposed to be. It is for the feminine energy in you. It is not for the masculine energy in you. And men, by the way, don't coach other men. They call it criticism when you come to them. And it's the worst kryptonite you can do. You get a man to do anything for you by praise and building up as your hero. But most of you women, how many of you women were taught by your mother, don't ever be dependent upon a man. Raise your hand. Keep your hands up. Look at this. Well, then what are we for our Belief is we're here to deliver something of value. So if you're not going to depend on us, we got plenty of other friends. That's what our relationship's going to be. That's what's broken things up completely. There's not the same trust.

Yes, and isn't it extraordinary when you drop like the gender of man, woman, but just the fact that we all have different gifts. We emit and offer something that's complementary to the other, that's extraordinary. Somehow the art of how we relate between men and women has been lost. It's a gift, it's powerful. We're complementary to one another, not opposing. And yes, we can all do shitty things. Who's done shitty things? Both men and women. Yeah, me too.

No, you haven't.

Yes, when we stop demonizing each other, we start falling in love and express experiencing one another. We have the gift, this collective here, to wake up to a greater truth in this human existence. And the miracle sitting next to you, the miracle sitting within you. That's the gift. That's when it's so powerful and when we recognize. Oh my goodness, like I have both energies inside of ours, inside of myself. That's unbelievable. And yet there's differences. And those difference complement those differences, support it makes life more beautiful.

If you understand that men and women come up with different meanings for the same things, then it won't be as painful. So for example, one thing that men and women look at radically different is problems. For a man, a problem is something you must immediately. What? Gentlemen, quick. What? Solve it, crush it, destroy it. And if you can't do that, make it as small as you can. Make it get away from it as long as you can. True, but for women, a problem needs to be shared and expressed and go into deeper and fully felt together. Problems are a way for women to connect. Ladies, true or false? So what happens is you then think the other side should be behaving a certain way because you think they're supposed to be like you. And that's not what makes us happy. What makes us happy is these alternative energies being able to play together. Yeah, but you have to be understand the meanings are different. But all of them are coming from this initial conditioning. Because she has a model of the world that's directing her life moment to moment. You can change your state, but she tends to go back to this place. And it creates tension because it's not what she truly wants, but it's what she thinks she must be to be worthy of acknowledgment and love. And that is the oxygen of life. So she goes back there. So I'm offering you a possibility. Close your eyes for a moment, if you don't mind. And Debbie, I'd like you to imagine your father's presence here. Can you ever feel that? Yes. I want to imagine, though, that he knows a lot more now, doesn't he? He has a more expansive view. He always loved you. You feel that? And so he thought the best thing he could do was turn you into a man and then you could be able to handle anything and he wouldn't have to worry. And there's some truth to some extent in that. Except it won't create a fulfilled life for a person who's primarily feminine. You can still use those tools. But thinking you have to be that to be worthy of love is where all the pain is coming from. So I want you to feel your father's presence and I want you to hear him now as he shares with you the deeper truth that he now understands how you can. How you need to be, and most importantly, how you can be. Hear his words. See his face, which is filled with love. And notice. Does he love you because you're strong? Or did he try to teach you to be strong because he loved you? That's very different. That's a different human being. Did he love you because you were strong? Or out of his love, did he try to teach you to be strong? And now let him tell you what's true, that he now understands? What do you need to be? What can you be? You're the only person should have a conversation with someone like this. Whether alive or dead. Dead doesn't matter. You can still have a conversation if you wanted to. Tell me what he says to you, Debbie. Tell me how he heals you even as we speak. What's the truth he reveals? What's the truth that sets you free? It's a very different belief than you've had up until now. Hear it from his mouth. Feel his presence, all the things you loved about him and still do. And feel his love for you just the way you are. Tell me, what does he say to you? What's the truth? Does he want you to free? Be free? Is that part of his love for you? Has he told you what's role he's played? His real intent versus how God interpreted? What do you see in his eyes? What do you feel in his presence right now, Debbie, as he's there with you? What did he say to you and what did you feel.

He said I need to trust in myself. That he's taught me everything that I need to know.

Yes.

That it's my life now.

Yes. And that.

I don't need more to prove anything anymore.

Yes. How would that feel to not have to prove anymore?

It's scary because I worry about other people and I don't know why. I wish I could let it go, but that's the serving in me, where.

The feminine you actually. The worrying of other people looking out for them. Anticipating is a beautiful quality. So that's probably never going to go. But you could let go of having to be the one every moment, having to be the one that shoulders it.

All.

Without losing your identity by expanding your identity to one which there are times in which you'll crush it. There are times in which you want to let go, let flow and trust in higher power and yourself. Know that everything is happening for a higher purpose.

And that's what gets me through the dark times. I will say when it gets really bad, I get. Most people don't think I get depressed because I'm always happy, most people think. But probably the closest ones around me know I do suffer. But I do my best to get out of it and.

Well, you wouldn't have to get out of it, though, if we develop just a different core belief to start with. Raise your hand if you follow that. If a core belief is, I don't need to be masculine all the time. I have that gift. I can do it anytime I want.

It's hard to transition as a girl and I know hard is not a right word in your building.

Oh, no, I heard the great word. Hard's a great word.

It's, you know, it's. It's just trying to see that path a little clearer.

Well, that's because you haven't done much of it in the past. Right. But whether it's hard, do it hard. If it's easy, do it easy. Just still do it. And one of the ways that happens is by nurturing the feminine, you noticing and appreciating little things. Bonnie Pearl, can you give her three things she could do to bring out more of her feminine?

Yes. Well, the feminine is more experiential. It's about becoming. It's about allowing as we accept our different parts. If you think of any, just think of a benevolent mother. What does she do? She supports us, she allows us, she embraces us. She understands. And so when we extend that to ourselves and recognize, gosh, you know, we're all doing the best we can in this beautiful Thing called life. And the feminine is meant to be discovered and experienced and connected to and so nourishing. Whether that's through running a bath and, you know, lighting candles and the senses and connecting there. Whether it's through movement and dance and express expression. Whether it's through prayer in gratitude, because it opens us and allows us to accept what is, what life is offering us. And then there's this beautiful integration of both energies. Because we don't have to choose. We don't have to choose. It's just noticing. Noticing the grace to be alive. Noticing the grace of this moment. Debbie. All these beautiful souls loving you, holding space for you. Because as we hold space for you, we're holding space for ourselves. And that's how the feminine is discovered. It's in that spaciousness. It's less in the doing and more about being. More about being. And you're so lovely. You've captivated us all. Who can relate to Debbie, male or female?

Yes.

Me too.

So maybe it's time to honor your father's current wishes rather than his old wishes.

Yes.

What would happen if you did that? Because you're very committed to what your father's wishes are. What does he wish for you now?

He wishes for me to follow my heart and follow that feminine side.

Yes.

And even though he used to joke about always wanting a boy, I have my own boy. I have my son, my only son. He's here today.

Where's your son?

And we all know in this room how much I love Nico. And in a weird way, I kind of. It was always a joke amongst my father where he would take me places. He was like my little tomboy. And even though I was a girly girl inside, but he always wanted a boy. I had four children, and he's my last and he's my only boy, but he's here. And so back to your question. What is he speaking to me? Speak within. To be. I can still be part of him, but be in my feminine.

Yes. Give her a hand for that. That's awesome.

And to hopefully and to live my life with abundance and to be full. Full of love. No one ever said they love me. And I don't live in a guilt of. He should have said he loved me. I know he loved me, but I never once was told I was loved. No one ever hugged me. I hug my kids. I tell my kids every day I love them. But I don't have a guilty of that.

Well, you don't have a guilty because you won't let that happen. One thing important for all to remember is like everything else, love is expressed completely different for different people, right? Some people are huggers and kissers. I'm that kind of person, as you probably noticed, because I have people connecting even here. Strangers I'm thinking as weird as shit. But some people are verbal, some are physical and some are challenge driven. Some are directive. But not all of us have the same love strategy. So if you expected to be told and weren't told, oh my God, it can be so painful. So what's beautiful is what you didn't get. You make sure your family gets. And by the way, isn't that how it should be? Every generation should be better and we evolve. We have all these judgments about past generations and how horrible they were or even our founding fathers. You're using what's called presentism, the present values we've evaluated back to 100 or 200 years ago. That's absurd. That's dumb. It's idiotic. But as things evolve, so does our model of the world. And if our model of the world changes and evolves, our stress will disappear. If you're under stress, your model of the world is outdated and it's time to update a few beliefs or a few emotions. And so for tonight here, just beginning, was looking at a few emotions. So what's the emotion though that still works now that we've got this one wrapped around your head, which is the deeper one? What's the emotion that immediately will eliminate all this bullshit, the new emotion you're going to make dominant in your life?

My new emotion is my feminine side, which bring out the love that I want to receive and give back, which is what I need. And, and, and you know, it's something.

That you don't know because you've not done it long enough. But if you paid attention. Come here for a second. Good. All these incredible human beings that are giving you their total love and presence here for about an hour. Look at them all. Look at them all. Holy amazing people. All the way to the top of the building. Look at all these people here taking in. Make it in. Oh, one more time. Go now. Where the most happiness or unhappiness shows up in people's life is relationships. They think it's business and career. Obviously if you don't take care of your health, you're going to pay a price. But the longest study in history about human well being and happiness is done at Harvard. It's 85 years old and they've been tracking people for 85 years to figure out what makes them happy and there's zero question the number one thing is intimate relationships intimate doesn't mean sexual the intimate means close intimate and most people in the world today claim they don't even have one person they can tell what they're really feeling to we have a crisis of people not feeling intimate even though we're the most connected we've ever been but we don't connect with vulnerability we put pictures out that aren't even us that we've altered to make beautiful or perfect and then people just feel less than but vulnerability pulls people and what I want her to see is if she's wondering how it's going to be if she's feminine and vulnerable she just had a demonstration that I can't honor you guys enough for because I only stayed with her because I believe it would be helping you too but then that level of focus for that long with one person is incredibly generous and beautiful all of you I know you got value from it but give a.