Rebuild Trust and Connection in Any Relationship | Tony Robbins Intervention

Most relationships don't end for a lack of love. They both love each other. How many see they love each other. Right. But they end for a lack of intimacy. And there's no intimacy because we aren't getting really connected at any of the need structures. So tell us what's been going on.

We're very stuck.

What's really going on?

I'm afraid.

Give her a hand for that. Starting with something honest about herself. By the way. That's how you start. You start with you, not your partner. How many get that? It'll never work by you saying, I feel this way because of you. Because the truth is someone can do anything and you can feel anyway.

Yes.

When you tell someone else they made you feel a certain way, which I know there's a generation of kids being taught this bullshit. All you do is guarantee failure in the relationship.

Yes.

Nobody makes us feel way except us. We can use it as a trigger and we can express. When you say those things. I make myself feel a certain way. And that would be an honest response. And that's where you start to make progress. It'll never happen if you start with blame. So I really compliment you. Give her a hand for that for starters. That's beautiful.

And just one more piece. Fear can look like anger because we're scared on the external when we're protecting ourselves. And with that resistance it can look really angry and just vulnerability to just claim that once again the truth, truth and authenticity of our own experience cuts and it connects.

And by the way which they just said, I really want to echo, especially to the men in the room because my wife's the most loving human beings I know. But she can get very intense that fire aggression I told you about. Very intense. And when she would do that, coming at me with a masculine energy. How does a masculine being tend to respond? Masculine energy. So now what you have is two people fighting and no one connecting. Right. So it doesn't matter. We're all masculine, feminine. We can shift. I can go my feminine and listen, I can go. But instead of just going at it. That will not solve anything. It'll just explode. It'll get worse and worse and worse. But I had to figure out. And I still have to remind myself. But it's more rare now. But even chosen family. We have chosen family. Like Billy is part of our chosen family. Everything we do together, Billy is one of those people. He's over at the house over here. Obviously Mary and our child and everything else. So it's like the four of us are out doing things all the time. We all love each other completely. But in that process of having chosen family, you still have to be able to be crystal clear about what is it you're wanting to create and not blaming anybody for anything under any circumstances. Right. So go ahead. So you've been fearful about. But what I want to say is it doesn't look like fear. Doesn't look like fear. I'm going to kill you. That's not the word she uses. But anyone around my wife will say she looks like a serial killer right now. She really does. And I had to remind myself because if I don't remind myself, it would bring out aggression out of me. Right? So it's like, no, she's scared right now. I've had to retrain myself that over and over. It doesn't look like scared. How many ladies here get angry on the outside when scared on the inside? Raise your hand, make some noise so the men hear you. It's really important because otherwise you are gonna. It's gonna be a pushback, pushback, pushback, and then that doesn't end well. Remember we did the fist thing, but if you're doing that fist thing and we're doing it close to each other's faces and somebody slips, that's what happens in a relationship, right? It gets knocked out. I could get knocked out. Either one of us. Good. Go ahead. You get fearful about what?

Lack of connection.

Okay. And what does that show up? How does that show up when you're fearful about lack of connection?

How does it show up in you? Anxiety. And I shut down and I become depressed.

Okay. And then what does that look like to him, do you think?

Withdrawal.

Okay.

And bitchiness.

Bitchiness, wow.

Bad mood.

Could you demonstrate? Show us an example.

You.

That wasn't very bitchy. That was playful. Do it like you're really bitchy so we know what it looks like. You can use me if you'd like. There we go. Get the arms crossed first. That was good. That was good. Did you catch that? That's a good one. Okay. And the eyes bug out. Perfect. Ok. Okay. And then do you say anything or you just bug out your eyes and stare at him like that?

No, I just withdraw. Really? Yeah.

I see. And when you say withdraw, what does that mean?

Get away from him, go to sleep. I get really anxious, which becomes very uncomfortable. And so I just try to get out of the situation.

Now, what she also does is something all of us do at times. And I really want to point it out to you because we haven't mentioned it here. It's one of the more important distinctions I made years ago. Most of us, when we get what you call stuck, we go into what I call a crazy eight. And you might want to jot this down. What is a Crazy eight? Maybe we have a visual in the back we can put on the screen, since I don't have anything to draw with. But human beings can only take so much of an emotion that's uncomfortable or even comfortable. Remember I said, did you ever smile so much your face hurt? Right. Who's done this before knows what I'm talking about, Say I. Right. Well, human beings will go into states. They can be states of fear. Right. Or anger. And they usually start to fare off when people get really fearful. Some people get angry. Because when you're fearful, what needs does fear meet?

Significance or certainty or significance?

Well, it's something you know well. So certainly could be certainty. What it makes you feeling uncertain about things. But being fearful, like it's like you feel for yourself, it tends to connect you to yourself. Connection is one of the needs. But it could also, if you're fearful, feel very variety. You can be fearful lots of ways, but very significant how many follow? It's really fearful, really significant, really connected. Now, what's interesting, though, is if you get fearful and you stay fearful, you also will feel insecure, anxious, and your nervous system only takes so much of that. So then you do a crazy eight and you leave the fear and you go into pissed off and angry. Because what pissed off and angry. Does it meet some other needs? It does. Pissed off and angry gives you certainty.

Sure.

Pissed off and angry certainly gives you significance. And it connects you. Even if it's an ugly way of connecting. It connects you. Someone's not paying attention, you're there. But then if you're angry long enough, your nervous system has to have variety, has to let go, and. And so you go into anxiety or fear or sadness. And when you go back and forth enough times, pretty soon you just feel depressed, meaning you depress your emotions because you don't know how to deal with this crazy eight you're running through. How much of that is accurate for you, Theresa? Terry. Terry.

1,000%.

Yeah.

And I've lived that way way before we were ever together.

Yeah. It has nothing to do with him, truthfully. This is her core pattern, by the way. How many of you have a pattern like this that you're aware of right now? I guarantee you all have them. If I go digging you, I will find them. But some people Exit the Crazy Eight. It may not be a relationship that makes them, let's say, feeling really sad or down or depressed or fearful and they go into anger and so forth. But one of the ways that some people exit is they go eat. Some exit the Crazy Eight by going to work on something or shopping. Go distract. In other words, you eat. You have an exit strategy. What is yours?

I try to make it work.

Yeah, well, try. Do me a favor, step off that chair just for a second. Let's do a little demonstration. Is that your chair?

It is.

Pick it up. No, no, better yet, try to pick it up. No, you're not picking it up. I said try to pick it up. You're not picking it up.

You said try.

I'm trying, but nothing's happening. Try to pick up the chair. You're not picking it up. Try to pick it up. Now you're picking it up. I said try to pick it up. Now you're not picking it up. Try to pick up that chair. Come on, try. No, you're doing shit. You're not. You're just sitting there. You just. Okay, now you're lifting the chair. I didn't say lift the chair. I said try to lift the chair. There is no try, is there? Try is a bullshit phrase we use so that we can supplement our brain and our ego, our fear. To say I'm doing my part, but you aren't committed to doing whatever it takes. It's like saying, I'll do whatever it takes for love. Clearly, I'm not a singer, but I won't do that. The problem is I won't do that. And you're not doing anything for love. You're trying. Trying will never produce a long term result you want. Unless it's Australian Rules football in which trying means a score. Right? So go ahead. And so you have tried to exit by trying to do what?

I work. I go to work.

You go to work. So she's not trying. She goes to work, she exits to a different context, which now this doesn't get any better when that occurs, by the way. I'm not making this all you because it's a two way street. I'm just starting with you because you raised your hand. So the process you're going through is pretty stressful. That Crazy eight. Now, when you go to work, why do you go to work? Watch this. How much certainty do you have at work?

I have more certainty than I have at home.

Yeah? How much variety at work?

More variety.

How significant do you feel at work?

More significant. Than I do at home?

Yeah. Feel more in control at work than.

You do at home due to anxiety? Not so much. But I can try to get control there. I have more of an opportunity to get control there.

Okay. She believes she has more opportunity to get control. So she gets certainty, she gets variety, she gets significance. Do you get more connection at home or there?

Probably there.

Probably there. Do you feel like you're growing more at work or at home?

I guess. Well, at work.

Contribution more at home or work?

Work.

So work meets all her needs and it's more controllable. She feels your self esteem. Listen to me now. Your self esteem is. Is in direct relationship to your sense of control over events versus events. Control you. I'm gonna say that again. Your self esteem is tied to your perception that you're in control of events versus events are control of you. That's why Covid was so devastating for so many people who've overdrank, over, smoked, over drugged, and even committed suicide. Cause they felt completely out of control. But remember, control is an illusion. But at work, she has the illusion she has more control there. Because there isn't this dynamic of intimacy that's involved in that situation. And the rules are more clear. It's a little easier to do. That's why most people spend more time there. Even though it's not more fulfilling than a relationship. When you make a relationship beautiful and working. All right, so she's going to exit there. Now tell me, how certain do you think he feels that he can win with you and make you happy? 0 to 10 or minus 10 to plus 10.

Minus 10.

Minus 10. Just so the feminine forces in the room understand that is cancer to a man. To not make you happy means I'm worthless to most men. Even the ones you think don't care. We're wired to make it better for you. We're wired to try to please you. And when you light up, it lights up our souls. So he's a minus 10. How much positive variety? Minus 10 to plus 10. Do you think he experiences with you?

Not much.

Not much. Well, what number would you give it?

Negative 8.

No, no, don't ask him. I want to know what you perceive. If you were him, how would you measure?

Maybe a negative one.

Maybe a negative one. Oh, that's all? Just a negative one? Just nothing. Minus. But I love the receipt. Maybe a negative. No big deal.

I don't know.

All right, and then how significant do you make him feel? Do you think? How significant does he feel? You make him feel in your relationship with him? 0 to 10 or minus 10 to plus 10?

Can we just say that all the numbers are low?

No, we're going to measure them.

Okay. We'll say 0.

0. So no significance. Minus 1. Variety. And what did you say certainty was? Minus 10. 10. How much connection and love do you think he feels from you on a consistent basis?

Zero.

Zero. Not much growth.

Maybe a four.

Maybe a four. He's nodding. How much contribution do you think he feels from you?

I wish he felt more. That's the one.

Well, what would make him feel more? Isn't that the real question we should be asking?

Yeah, absolutely. I wish I knew. If I knew the answer, that might be an area where I could ask.

And there is. What's that? There's one.

Maybe if I ask the question, because that's a challenge for me, is wanting to feel like I'm contributing and not knowing how to do it.

Have you asked him how? Because, by the way, some men can't tell you. By the way, when you ask a woman, sometimes, you know, what are you feeling? Often they'll say, I don't know. Men most of the time will say, I don't know. I asked my wife. What do you feel? I don't know. Well, who knows if you don't know. Do you have to pee? I don't know. Let me think about it, then I'll decide. I have to pee. You don't know if you have to pee or not? I mean, this is new to me, right? Maybe that's why you guys go together. So right now your synopsis is you don't meet his needs for certainty at all. It's negative. You meet the needs for variety at minus one. Significance at zero connection at what number?

Negative one. I don't remember.

Try fresh. Let's see if you get a different number.

It's the same connection. Minus 3.

Minus 3. Wow. Growth.

We don't need all the comments. We don't need all the sound.

Actually, no one's making comments. They're just feeling your pain.

Okay, well, that's actually on your side. Okay, well, good.

But defensiveness is one of the four horsemen that up everything.

It is. And I have it on my list to address that. So I'm working.

When would now be a good time?

Let's do it.

All right. Great. Awesome. So, out of all those need structures, you don't see yourself meeting his needs. And you don't see your needs being met, but you're able to go do it at work, so you spend more time at Work.

I go to work to try to find something to meet my needs. I'm not achieving my needs really, in any area.

Not even at work, at the level you want?

Not really. No.

Okay.

Not at all.

And what's preventing you from meeting your needs?

The Crazy Eight has been the preventer up until now.

Yeah, that makes total sense. And you go back and forth and then.

Because it's been a.

It's.

It's been a lifetime.

It's been a lifetime. Okay, I understand. Can I ask him a couple questions now?

Go for it.

Great. I'm sorry, I don't know your first name.

O'. Neal.

O'. Neal. Give him a hat.

O'.

Neal. Do you love this woman?

Very much.

Very much. Why would you if none of your needs are done?

It's hard. But, you know, there's a lot of reasons to love her.

Tell me some of them.

She is truly a very, very good person and a very solid person. She's honest and sincere and, you know, there's just a ton of great qualities. Got great values. So many. So many positive things. Great values. She is a, you know, an incredible person in a lot of ways.

And tell me, what do you think if she had not spoken and I asked you, how much certainty does she get from you that you're therefore always love her, always and so forth, what would you think the number would be? She told you, but we don't want to do that. We want to see what your perception would have been without talking to her.

My perception of what?

Her.

How much certainty she gets from you.

I think she's pretty certain that I'm. I love her and I'm there and you know, up until just recently that, you know, I'm going to be there.

And then what happened recently that maybe let that certainty drop?

I finally got to the point where I said, I need more. I need. I need more out of this relationship.

I've.

I've got to feel loved.

Yes.

And. And it's hard thing to do because when you're dealing with someone that's already got the Crazy Eight going on, it's like we had a conversation today, said you're not being authentic. Well, if I'm authentic and you're already sad and all that, it's gonna really fuck you up.

So you're not gonna. You don't want to share how badly it feels because you don't want to hurt her.

Correct.

I understand. But you came to the point because, by the way, how many could see why he would get to this point from his perspective. We're gonna look at both perspectives, see how many can see why it'd be at this point. Because by her own description, almost none of his needs are met. Yet he loves this woman because beyond the needs, there is a deep spiritual. There's a loving connection. He believes what her soul is, but he's exhausted, in a place of feeling like a failure. Meaning his needs aren't being met. If she was lit up like a Christmas tree, believe it or not, and she wasn't doing perfect things for him, would that meet a lot of your needs?

Hell, yeah.

Hell, yeah. Did you see that, ladies? Was that congruent? Yes or no, ladies? Yes or no? Yes. Most of you don't understand that men live to please you. They get to the point where they don't know how, or some of you don't let them. It's. You were trained. If you make them that, they'll get overconfident and they'll leave you or they'll take control over you. You should never depend on them. By the way, do you think this man would be a dependable man? Just give me your first reaction, ladies. Yes or no? Yes or no? Solid as a rock. Dependable, true. But he's being pushed away. And it isn't because she doesn't love him. Can you see that? It's that she's wrapped up in a world of constantly going back and forth between fear, anxiety, and anger, and he doesn't know how to break through that. He's been trying for a very long time, and he's finally exhausted. The point of saying, even though I love her, maybe at this stage of my life, with X number of years left, because that's usually what does it, by the way. People get to the point where they go, you know what? I can't spend another decade this way, another five years this way. I can't imagine. I got to do something. I don't want to leave, but I can't live this way. That's usually what ends it. Remember I said most relationships don't end for a lack of love. They both love each other. How many? See, they love each other, right? But they end for a lack of intimacy, and there's no intimacy because we aren't getting really connected at any of the need structures. And the fear in you, if I may ask, coming back over here, Terry, what is the ignition of that fear? Like, what triggers it for you?

So I have a sense regarding our relationship. Is that what you mean?

Yes.

I think when I don't. When I'M unable to feel connection. I get physically afraid inside. My nervous system physically freaks out.

So do you mind coming out to the aisle for me? If you would give her a hand? So I know I'm tall. I hope I'm not intimidating. It's not my intent. Show me or tell me what has to happen for you to feel that connection. Because what we're dealing with now is rules. Raise your hand if you see now what's happening, and we're in the midst of it. You understand why we paused after we came up with your values. Now, how many got rules that when you read them, go, this is bullshit. This does not work. How many got some rules on your list that are like that? They gotta go true. How many have some rules that make it easy, feel good? That's awesome. We want to keep those. Right? We might want to reload or resequence things, but the rules is where it's really going on, and we need to find out what his rules are. Feeling loved. Oh, what a. What a great move. Very nice. Very nice. I did not promote that beautiful, beautiful move. That was the right move. I didn't ask you to do it. That was awesome. That means you really are learning. So, Terry, what. What has to happen for you to feel connection with this man?

I've been asking myself that question, and I'm searching for the answer. Struggling with that when I was doing my work on the values or whatever. It's very vague. Feeling energetically connected. Feeling.

Oh, okay. Energetically connected.

And I don't know how to make that tangible. I don't know what that is. I. I don't know.

Well, let's experiment, shall we?

Sure.

Would you come with me over here? A little bit A little further apart from him? Okay. Do you look at him? Just look at her and feel her. Do you feel energetically connected to him right now?

A little bit.

A little bit. Okay. That's okay. You're welcome to test. How many saw it was more than a little bit, raise your hand, but she said a little bit just because, you know, can't let him win too easily and shit, you know, make him feel good. God forbid, you know, his ego might get big, might not pay attention, or he might fall more deeply in love with you because he feels successful, and you're being an idiot by holding back. And the person you're hurting is yourself on either side. True. Okay. So. Hello, sir.

Leave me out. This is not what I do. It's the wrong kind of face to be thinking of you.

Sam.

Sorry. I felt a pull towards him.

Yes. What pulled you towards him?

Maybe him being still.

It happens as rare.

I mean, that's a real thing.

Yes, I know. My wife would say the same thing.

Yeah, he's very.

That was an evil laugh. So he was still. What else brought you towards him?

He was still. His energy was focused in looking at me.

Yes.

I think I saw a little bit in his eyes, a little hurting. And so I wanted to. Oh, fill that gap.

Oh, you sure do love him, don't you?

I do.

So she was called. Do you want to know what I said to him? I'm not going to tell you. I simply said one thing. I said, look into her eyes. Don't think about yourself for even a moment. Look in her eyes and feel her. And repeat these phrases in your head, not out loud. I love you. I worship you. Look at the tears in his eyes. I love you. I worship you. I will take care of you forever. I love you. I worship you. I will take care of you forever. Over and over. While you feel her. And you don't think about how you're doing. You don't think about yourself. He spoke nothing, he said nothing. And she was pulled to him. That's called presence. It's a skill every man needs to have. But no one trains us in having. Right? And Nilier is much more likely to be that kind of a person. Because even though he moves anything else he's got. If I was taking like the disc model, he's got a lot more s in him. That stable stuff. That's why you ladies feel the stability in him. He naturally has that. But when he gets fearful also. He wouldn't call it that. Maybe. But isn't that what it is? He feels fearful. I can't get through to her. Then he goes in. Also, it isn't just her going in. We could easily say this is Alteri. It takes two to tango. And he hasn't known how to win. The only reason he considers leaving he loves this woman is he doesn't know how to win. And he can't take failing anymore with her. He'd rather just love her and not be in this position. Or we can teach him how to win. And you can. And you can teach him how to win too. Now you come here. Now. Some of the most beautiful moments. You. While you open his eyes, feel him like you just did in your po to this time. Express your love. Put joy inside. Like you got this. In other words, like.

Quietly.

Yeah. Without saying garden Sa.

I felt like she needed me.

Yes. What else did you feel?

I felt like she wanted me to hold her. Make it safe?

Yes. Is that what you want most of the time?

Yes.

Now, some people have different love strategies. I thought that for decades now. There was a guy years ago that wrote his own version of a book on that, but I was teaching it 35 years ago. Some people's love strategy is visual. Now, all. I shouldn't say all. Yes, all feminine energy is attracted to presence, calm and connected. That's stillness in you. But where it wasn't just you being still. Where you were in her, not your head and you were feeling her. It pulled her towards you. And especially when you're declaring, I love you, I worship you, I'll take care of you forever. That creates safety. She doesn't even know what it is, but it creates safety. And because the safety was there, she. She's so energetic. Remember I talked about my daughter? My daughter's energetic. So if I come, sweetheart, it can be too much. I have to pause.

Oh, we're screwed.

Pardon me?

We're screwed.

Where's.

When that's the case, we're screwed. Because I have got that kind of energy.

Yeah, no, I understand. I understand. That's my. I'm saying it. We're assertive, right? So normally I'm not even being assertive, I'm just being myself, right? Like you have to understand, every day of my life, I'm projecting to thousands of people or tens of thousands of people for 12 or 14 hours, for day after day. So I'm wired to communicate passionately because I got to reach the person at the top of the stadium and hold them for 12 hours, 13 hours when they wouldn't sit for a three hour movie. That requires a certain level of energy, but the energy is overwhelming for someone who's energetic. So even, let's say you're excited about work or something and you're crushing it or something, like you want to come share it with her. It would feel weird to you because you want to share with her. And it's overwhelming. Now, Mary over here, who I love dearly, right, has carried our child and part of our chosen family here. She's huge. Part of our life, every part of our life. It's similar for her. Mary's more water and energetic. My wife is very energetic, but she has enough fire to push that energy back and forth and so forth. So the point is, if I'm going to marry, even I have to be aware that my passion. I might be even slightly upset. But. But she can get fearful because I'm talking passionately about how to make something better, which is like my primary question, primary way of being. And it's like, then it feels personal to her, like, almost like it would be an attack. And so I love her. So it's like, no. And thank God she prepared me for my daughter, so I had some reference for that. Right. So your lady loves you dearly is pretty obvious. Like she felt your need and came to you as much as she felt you meeting her needs. That's how I know she worships and loves you. Part of that is since you love her. Even though you've been together how many years?

11.

11. Even though you've been together 11 years, you're still in the learning phase. I'm going to show you in a moment the seasons of relationship. I want you guys to tell me where you are, but you're in the awakening season. Awakening to the fact that. That even though we love each other, there are things in me that, if I'm not conscious about it, will actually make my partner feel fear or pain or worry or anger, even though that's not my intent. But I can still win. I just need to know what those patterns are for her. And so for her, it's like crushing the distance too quickly. And she just froze. You can feel everything in her freeze. When people have fear, they freeze or they fight or they fly, they run. Those are the 3 responses to Survival fears. And energetically, Terry will feel that. Meanwhile. Tell me something, Terry, what attracted you to this man originally? Watch this.

His outgoing, fun, amazing energy that I don't have. And his. I was thinking about it. He's. I have a lot of warrior in me. I've lived in warrior.

Yes.

And I realized that I was attracted to his magician and his lover and his king because I was not experiencing any of those.

Yes. And now you've been to get 11 years and you said, I don't have those things. But Terry, if you may allow me.

No, I know I have them, I just haven't.

But they've not developed. And because you've not developed, then there starts to be a resentment towards him for the very thing you were originally attracted to.

Oh, absolutely.

How many get that? How many have experienced that? Like I said the other day, the thing you were attracted to after so many years, like, do they always have to do that? Who's had this experience before? Right. The only reason you have that response is because you were attracted to them, because that's a quality in you. You have disidentified with because of the way you were raised, because of what it was you were supposed to be, to get the love from, the love you crave, the person of love you craved. You developed a model, and you lived it so long you think it's you, and you've denied, deny, deny those things. So it's not part of your identity, even though it's part of your soul. And so if you don't, then grow where you have some of that. There may not be as much as him, because it may not be your core nature, but it's a part of you. He's just developed it longer, just like you developed other qualities longer. Then you start to resent him, because what you're really resenting is you haven't grown. Yes. And then little shit starts to bug you. You start to be annoyed by little things, and then it grows to resentment, and then it can be rejection, like, why the do you do that? And then the other person like, why the do I do that? That doesn't work real well because they're like, I did not. And then they come at you and you go, see? And then the worst one is you get to repression, which is close to where you guys have been.

We live, we skipped, we never fought. We just both went to repression.

Yeah. So in repression, you have two people. They might love each other, but you'd never know it. You see them in Starbucks. They sit across the table from each other. They're both on their phones, they're both reading the paper. There's not a lot of emotion. They pretty much have separate lives, even though they live together because they don't want to deal with the pain. And because if you don't push through the pain, you don't get a breakthrough. If you don't get a breakthrough, you get stuck. At least in the moment. Perception of stuck, right? Stuck is not stuck. Stuck is doing the same shit over and over and expecting a different result. You're not stuck. You're just doing the same thing. You understand the difference? We say, we're stuck. We have this thing like, I can't change. Bullshit. You're just doing the same thing. And like, I'm trying harder at the same thing, but no one teaches us. Energetic, right? So it's beautiful that part of you, Terry, can be honored and you could have a lot less fear. It's not just, you should be stronger. It's like, he would love. Tell me if I'm wrong, Neil. He would love to tweak away that anxiety for you and feel like he's your champion. He did it. True or false?

Hell, yeah.

Hell, yeah. Right? So you now learned one of the ways to do this really good. Now, by the way, most men don't. We don't have this training, and we don't operate the same way. So you can shift this very quickly. I have an exercise I'll do sometimes, and then I'm not gonna do with you, because you got it right away is I'll have you and I'll bring two other women up and I'll say, I want you to go present. And they watch him and have them slap him every time he's not present.

I'm glad I get to skip that.

But the point of the matter is you. Can you do what we just did with her? Not hard, by the way. Was what you did with her sincere? Yes. And she felt it immediately, but you had to give her time to process it because you and I are going to come straight here and go at it, Right? We're going to work on this and make this thing happen. Do you tend to talk more rapidly when you get excited about things? Or more slowly?

I would imagine rapidly.

Yeah, I imagine so, too. That. Remember I said, like my assistant's saying, you're yelling at me. Saying I didn't even raise my voice. Announce. And what we discovered is I start talking more rapidly. That's like yelling to her because it's like she can't keep up with the tempo. So she converts that to, I'm being yelled at.

I hear that a lot.

You do that a lot.

And when that happens, or sometimes when we interact and he's just being himself.

Yes, by the way. By the way. The self you fell in love with.

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. The self.

That so ironically.

So that's why I'm afraid.

Yes.

That's what it. It all comes back to, I'm afraid, because one plus one doesn't equal two. I'm living in this world where none of the math works.

Yes.

So when he's just.

But, But. But just for a second. Does this math work? Does this math work?

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Where's the fear now?

It's not here.

Where's the anxiety now?

It's not here.

When you bring this to the table, by the way, you have the same power with your radiance.

Thank you.

When you dim your radiance, ladies, that cuts off the connection with the man. You have something we as men don't have. You have radiance. How many women know what I'm talking about? Make Some noise, if you know what I'm talking about. Your radiance, your love, your joy, your energy is what makes men feel alive. All of us, we would be just working machines if it wasn't for you beautiful souls. You bring us to life and we can bring you safety, security and a place. Now say, I don't need your safety and security. Well, that's okay then. I don't need to be here. You can find somebody that meets those needs. But he really wants to meet her needs. She wants her needs met. So all it is is translation. It's like them speaking different languages. And when she's got anxiety, he feels like he can't win. For years. You start to do it. So you're in a season. The first season is springtime. In springtime, how hard is it to make a relationship work, do you think? It's effortless. It's all chemistry, it's all romance. It's all that. But as I'll show you in a moment, there are testing points and most people are in it for the pleasure. If you're smart and wise enough that you found somebody you really love, you have to understand that it isn't just like a Harlequin romance or a Rom com, and that it's deeper and richer than those things. But it requires an awakening. The season of awakening usually doesn't happen till you're in your 40s or you've been with someone at least five years, four or five years. And then what happens is you went through this phase and now it isn't connecting and there's pain. But instead of exiting, which most people do, you awaken. You awaken to how my behavior touches this soul that I love. That's not bad or good. It's just like I need to know this is how that world interprets it. Whether using the metaphors of fire or water or wood. You get the idea. Or whether you're in the any of the metaphors that we've taught you, we've given you multiple metaphors you can play with, right? To look at. So once we awaken to that, then it's no longer so much about us, about me. It's about us. When you start to break up, it's about me. And it's about me, which you have every right to do because you're not being fulfilled. But an easier way would be to come together and say, okay, on a 0 to 10, how much am I fulfilling those in my partner? And if I'm not, maybe I ask now, when you ask people don't always know the answer because it's not conscious. Always. So you don't go. I asked them. They didn't tell me. Another way to ask is watch, try different things and see the impact. It isn't always verbal. And the more as a man, you work to understand her and she feels safe what happens in you. And she feels seen.

The more I open.

Yes. And when you open, what happens?

The more I can love.

And as you love more, what happens?

I give more love and he receives more love.

And both of you feel more fulfilled. Yes. And connected and loved.

Yes.

Goodies come out. That's helping the man, give him some leverage on himself. That's right. Right. This is true. Right. So the question is, how could you meet more of his needs to know that he's the most significant man in your life? Because write this down. In every relationship, if your partner doesn't feel that you are the. They are the most important thing to you, problems are coming. It doesn't matter if it's kids. Even though the kids are super important. Don't. It doesn't matter if it's work, doesn't matter if it's girlfriends, doesn't matter if it's sports, doesn't matter what the fuck it is. If someone feels like there's something more important than a relationship, you are moving in the direction of pain. And it's easy to have that happen in a life that's full. Or maybe you have multiple kids sometimes. 60% of the couples in the United States now have mixed families. 60%. It's more than half now. And that makes it really complex. If you watch back there, the gentleman sharing with his lady, when she talked about, I want to love your daughter, and he started crying. Did you see it? That was like an ultimate act of love. Because he feels divided, clearly. And trying to be loyal to his daughter and try to be loyal to his wife. And they obviously aren't yet connected at the highest level. But her saying, I want to do that made him cry. The guy's built like a fucking brick house. Someone tried to punch him. They get the shit beat out of him. And here's this monster sitting there crying because the person he loves cares about someone else. He loves unselfishly or at least wants to. It's so easy to heal things, but it's not when you start believing it's impossible. And we are responsible. Remember I talked about my daughter? We're training each other what to believe about each other. So your job is help him win. How can you do that with you.

How can I do that? I don't know. And. And the reason.

Well, you haven't. In the past. That's a fair answer.

I haven't in the past.

Right. But you're. Are you the same today as you were yesterday?

Okay.

Or even four days ago? No. I didn't think so.

Okay. So how can I, by the way.

Win is he wants to make you happy. He wants to make you feel loved. He wants you feel connected. Does that help?

Yes.

Okay, good.

How can you. How can I help you win if I know.

If I know what you just felt is true? So just speak what's true. Don't. Don't filter it. Okay? Because he's strong enough to hear it. And he loves you. He wants to hear it. Do you want to hear it?

Yeah. For you to win, I have to feel like there's some place that I can contribute, that there's something that I can meet in your life that no one else can. And many of the things that you have shared with me are things that I haven't been able to do, and I don't know if I ever will be. And that's what makes me afraid.

Such as?

Intimacy, family. Just living the lifestyle that you live, you know, being the nature. And so I have a lot of fear.

What can you do? Oh, that's okay. That's good. Feel that. You'll feel that. By the way, what did he do when you started to have that? Did you notice I interrupted it? Unfortunately, no.

He came.

Yeah. He came to you immediately. Did you notice that?

Yes.

Why did he do that? Do you know?

Because he loves me and he wants to. Doesn't want me to be afraid.

And because he was vulnerable. You were vulnerable.

Because I was vulnerable.

Because you were authentically sharing your pain. Not making you didn't make him wrong about it. Did you notice the difference? If you made him wrong about it, he might get defensive, he might tighten, and then you'd feel disconnected.

Right.

But instead, you just own what you're feeling. And it brought out more love from him.

Right.

He reached for you immediately, like an asshole. I interrupted. Sorry about that.

I'll let it slide.

Okay. But now the other question is, what can you do for you when you're fearful? What can you remind yourself? If I asked your not your warrior, if I asked your magician, since that's the one you're attracted to in him, what would your magician say would be a way for you to instantly exit the fear? What's a deeper truth that you know in Your soul that your mind might forget, but your soul knows about him.

About him. My magician would say, to be playful.

Yes.

And to have fun.

Yes.

And that is my true self. I know when I am playful and fun, that is when I'm channeling who I really am.

Yes.

And so to try to go there.

Yeah.

Right.

To go there.

So we need a trigger to help you to get there. By the way, when you do that, your radiance comes out.

Thank you.

When you're playful, how many know what I'm talking about here? Right. Your radiance comes out. By the way, what attracted you to this woman?

In the beginning, there was quite a few things as far as just physical attraction.

Well, anything. All the things.

Okay. I was going to say, you know.

Yes. Yep. I can clearly see.

Yes.

Yes. He's like, look what you. Look what I got here. Come on.

Yeah. We met at the gym, so.

Okay. Okay, great.

You look good in a pair of shorts.

Okay, great. But.

So, yeah, that. And. And there's just. Again, there's a. There's a quality about her.

Yes.

Got a quality soul. She's got a character.

Yes.

That is deeper and better than most.

Yes.

Most everybody I've ever met.

Wow. That's very nice. The only thing I'd add is more than anyone I've ever met.

More than. Yes.

In the whole universe. Do you feel that?

Yes.

Is it real?

Yes.

Okay, great. So if you know how to. How would you get yourself back into your playfulness? If you start to get fearful, what could you do? And then we'll ask what else he can do in addition to support you. But what could you do to recapture that? Anybody? Pearl, do you have any suggestions that might be helpful for her?

Yes. Well, I think you can try different things on, but the feminine is experienced in our senses. This is whether we're male, female. The feminine is, you know, there's a sensuality to it. There's a. You know, through touch, through movement, through expression, through prayer, through meditation. Like, how can I connect? How can I connect to connect to who I am? The source of who we are. Who you are is love. And we experience that by embodying, by being in our body, by feeling her. And so everybody's different. But even for Tony and I, if we're. Because, you know, we have big, long, full days, and if we're going to have dinners, we have dinner time with our daughter, we always will. Jump in the hot tub. Jump in the pool. Why? To have a physical reset so you're not just, like, walking from work, walking from the car, walking from, you know, the last call or zoom call or whatever it might be. So that there's a shift, changing your clothes. I know that sounds absurd, but for women, how many women can. How many women connect to the fact that if you change your clothes into something, that it affects you? Yes. And so if I'm working all day and I want to connect, I'll shift that as a physical trigger. In our home, too, it's like having candles, having music, like anything that puts you. That you just feel connected and feel open and feel alive, that you can access the playfulness and the beauty of who you are. You're so lovely, Terry. You're so lovely. Like, I understand the quality that you speak of, o'. Neill. There's just a real accuracy in who you are, a goodness of who you are, a light of who you are. You deserve to connect to that within you. And so music, dance, prayer, meditation. Why? Because it connects us, it aligns us. Otherwise, we have this going all day long. Mind, I have to do this. Responsibility, duty, all these things as humans, never mind women. And so that radiance is our nature.

And.

And it's not only beautiful for our beloved, it's beautiful for us, it's beautiful for us. And so what makes you feel a let go? Is it dance? Is it a hot bath? What makes you feel like. Do you pray? Do you meditate?

Yes, but I don't know the answer to your question.

Sometimes I find that having those practices, not only when you're, like, actually in the moment, but actually beginning and ending or throughout the day. I'll talk about 60 seconds of grace just every hour to just take a moment of noticing, of closing your eyes. Can we do it right now?

Sure.

Okay, let's all just do it with Terry. Okay. We can all just take a deep breath and invite your attention back to this moment. And, Terry, notice the sensations as your body is being breathed. You can feel the inhale and the exhale. Shoot. Inhale. We're breathing in this moment, breathing in the life within. And as you exhale, Terry, you're simply letting go of everything and anything that's no longer needed. And if your attention wanders, just invite it back. And we invite it back by noticing.

What are some things you're grateful for while you're in this state? Things in your life you're grateful for, moments you're grateful for, moments you've shared together.

How do you notice? And as you open your eyes, what do you notice, Terry?

I notice just being relaxed. And being in the present moment.

Yes. So we access her, the radiant one, the playful one. When we're relaxed and in this mind moment, that's how we connect to our nature. So that can be a simple practice. Terry. Every hour, just set a reminder.

And 60 seconds.

60 seconds invite your awareness, your attention back to self. Because if not, we're out here and we feel in here. True.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

What triggers you to be playful, by the way? When I said that? Look at his face. How many saw that happen? Just not his face. He lit up like a Christmas tree. Playful. There's hope.

Moving forward.

Moving forward. Does that mean letting go of things in the past?

Because I don't know what the trigger was in the past.

Great.

So I guess moving, for me, moving forward is being connected to myself.

Yes.

My body being right state.

Yes.

That's the only way that I can access it. That's the only avenue.

True.

But you don't need more ways than that. Right. Most people don't even have. Most people don't even have those ways.

Right.

So instead of thinking of as a limit, just think. That's how I do it.

Right. Nurturing that. Yeah, nurturing.

And by the way, how do you feel when you're being playful?

How do I feel? I feel alive. I feel like I'm living my true self. I feel fun. I feel.

Yes.

Like special.

Yeah. And sometimes she may not feel enough of your presence. Not just the state of presence or even just your attention. If you get caught up in doing business and work, look at the head and here, going up and down to notice this and that. She doesn't know what to do. So you need some new techniques that are playful. So some women get pissed off and, like, you don't pay attention. You work too hard and all that stuff. My wife, I might be in the middle of something really important. Bam. Something hits my head. What the bam? It's. She's throwing almonds at my ass, you know, and giggling her ass off. Or she'll come up around the corner and shock and surprise you. She's just like, she has. She has techniques she uses when she wants the attention, which if she's not good, she knows how to get it. And I'm happy to give it. But sometimes I'm in my focus, and so, you know, it's like I need a little assistance. So she gives me great assistance.

Because, you know, what's so beautiful is we unconsciously believe. I think we're conditioned to believe that our beloved is supposed to fix us, take care of this. That's my job. That's your job. That's not your partner's job. Can tidy this up by having practices, whether it's dance, whether it's tuning in 60 seconds of grace so that you connect to her. You feel alive, you feel like you. Then our cup is full. And then we have something to offer rather than expected and demand it, because that makes. I can only say this because I've done it. I remember being like be present for me. I wanted his presence. Why I wasn't present. Why I wanted him to feel better, understand me. Like, what the frick. Why don't you understand me? Why I wasn't understanding myself. That's absurd. That's madness. How could I expect another human being to understand what I don't understand other than myself?

Oh, I agree.

Yes.

Beautiful, honey.

The truth. And so that's what we're here. We're dealing with this so somebody else doesn't have to deal with us. So we actually get to share our lives and fall in love and have these beautiful practices and connect and feel alive and radiant and share that with one another. You two love each other. You do.

Can I interject?

Yes.

You said about being fearful that part of it was the lack of intimacy and part of it was that we didn't have a family. I own that.

I know.

That's on me. I made a choice. I chose you.

So you had a family previous to this, is what you're saying? I'm sorry. Just.

No, we. We didn't have children.

You didn't have children.

And I wanted children real bad.

But.

Yes, she feels guilty for that. But it's not on her. That's on me.

Yes. Are you in love with this woman?

Very much.

Would you trade her for children?

No.

Smart move.

That's what I'm saying.

I. I chose her. You feel that? Do you feel what he just shared with you?

No, I absolutely feel it. But I have a lot of guilt around that topic.

And the other one is my guilt. There are a couple times you're calling it my. Who the do you think you are? Do you think this is your guilt? Do you really think you created guilt?

No.

How many millions of people feel guilty? All you're doing is tapping into an energy that's been around forever. When you go into that low physiology also, it's a way to connect with yourself, my dear. You're showing you care. But he doesn't need that at this stage. He superseded that in his love with you. That's why it's like it's like I want anything I can possibly do to light you up. And if that was my vision, I have lots of ways to meet our needs. It can't just be through kids. Am I right?

Absolutely, yes.

So that's where it is. So part of it is, you know, problems need energy to live. Remember that you've given this problem a lot of energy. If you just leave it alone and say, at times I'll feel anxious, and honey, I'm feeling anxious. I'd love your presence. What would you do if she said, I'd love your presence?

Provide it.

That's right.

I'd say the same three things you told me to say over and over.

See, he's a man. He's got the system. It's ready. Oh, yeah. Because notice how excited he is because he knows he can win. Win means light you up. Min means make you feel loved. Win means feel connected. Have you feel connected to him. He wants that more than anything. So the only thing that's left, I'm going to show you in a second in terms of seasons and where things are, which I think will be very helpful for everybody in this room. It's one of the more valuable things in my life as I look at it, so I want to share it with all of you. I know you're tired, but who's up for it here, ladies and gentlemen? We're going to do that, and then we're going to do two really fun things that will produce a lot of energy and be very valuable, and we'll wrap up for the evening. But what I want you to first tell me, though, is would you like to continue in this beautiful marriage?

Yes.

Would you like to continue this beautiful marriage?

Absolutely.

Then we take off the label or the table. Stepping out. Can you see there are ways to win? Yes. There are multiple other ways going to invite you to look for them and to find them. Because you like discovering ways to break through. You like figuring out answers. And this is one that when you get the answers to, it's really great. And then your job is do your best to communicate clues. And there's just a couple habits. My. You label my for your problems. They're not yours. It's not my guilt. And that'll start to break the pattern. My for your problems. They're not yours. It's not my guilt. And that'll start to break the pattern. Because when you say guilt all the time, it's like the words you attach to your experience become your experience. So you can have a really uncomfortable feeling and someone else might call it uncomfortable, someone else might say kind of annoying or someone else might say I got to learn something but you're going to say that makes me feel guilty because I should have done. And so that habit, just a habit of labeling things and then you do feel it the minute you label it that way. So the words we speak to ourselves not only to other people create that. So I've become aware of that on both your parts. But then I propose one more thing only if it's real to you. I would propose if you believe that you can find the way to win with her and you clearly love her and she clearly loves you and she wants to continue are we going to continue evaluate leaving or are we committing to make this work?

I'm committed to making it work.

How about you absolutely committed to making it work.

Well then you make us the bride. Sa Sam.