The Comparison Trap That's Destroying Your Confidence | Tony Robbins Interventions

And he starts accusing me of stealing his house, and it was just brutal.

When people are fearful, a lot of people act very mad.

How many women in the room wonder what other women think about them, about what they dress like?

I walked in and my mom said, uh, you look like a s—, and she cut all my hair. I'm always comparing myself to others.

I want to stop judging myself very badly.

If you want Joy, stop comparing yourself to other people and just discover who you are. There's a beautiful, beautiful soul in there when you stop judging her.

My name is Tina Marie from Newark, New Jersey. What was your earliest memory?

What perspective got changed when you looked through God's perspective or their perspective or the moment before?

I must have been around between 7 and 9. Okay. And we lived in the projects, 2790 July Avenue in the Bronx. It must have been the holidays and I was in the living room and I remember I remember playing with this wooden dollhouse that my father had built for me. And I used to go into hours of playing with cutout dolls. Anybody old enough, you'll know what a cutout doll is. Okay, so they're digital now.

Yeah, right.

So I used to play with these cutout dolls for hours and it made me realize My father loved me. Yes. Because he actually built something for me.

Yes.

And my sister and my brother used to always say, "You're adopted." And I started laughing in my head thinking, "Yeah, but he never built anything for you." Give her a hand, man.

That's awesome. That's awesome. Fast forward.

Now, my father-in-law, Ace Koon Boom, that's my rock, my buddy, my ride or live, right? And about 10 years ago, I put his house into an irrevocable trust. When we did it, everybody was there, it was fine. Years pass. One day he wakes up and he starts accusing me of stealing his house. Yes. This went on till yesterday, including— because I went outside, I love you, you know, please forgive me, thank you. Wasn't working, right? What didn't work?

What tone did you do it in and what intensity? Wasn't working. By the way, I have people all the time, they go, you know, Tony said change your position. I'm like, this is— it didn't work for me. That's because you didn't do it. You did with words, but you didn't do with your body, but not with your words. Or in this case, maybe your words, but not the voice qualities, etc.

But go ahead. Up until that time, I kept thinking, why would he think I would steal the house from him? He know I've always looked out for him. So it would wig me out and it was just brutal. I mean, he bastardized my name. He just really—

How old is your father now, by the way?

He's 93. It gets good though. See, I'm coming with good stuff. Yes. I'm with good stuff. So, so that didn't work. You know, when you said, go out, do it now. I went out, my now didn't work. I was like, that's okay. When I came back in, I told him, I told my partner over here what happened. I said, but that's all right. I'm going to release the house. He's 93. I've been concerned about him getting it back because I didn't know if somebody's going to try and steal it. You know, he gets these calls. Yeah. Or try and do a reverse mortgage and start paying, you know, fixing up a house that he doesn't own, all that kind of stuff. But I figured, you know what? Get out the way. Let God handle it. Yes.

I've been trying so hard to control. Yes, resisting it, controlling it, fighting reality. Reality is that's what he thinks, even if it's not true. At 93, it's not hard to get confused, even if you got all your faculties, especially if someone gets you around there, because there's a great deal of uncertainty that enters your life at that stage. You don't know if you're going to live the next day or not. When people are that uncertain, they make things up, even about people they love. Problems need energy to live. So the more you fought it, the more it stayed. So what happened?

So I felt a calm in my spirit. Yes. Where before I was like, it was, I was like, I'm doing it. But this time I felt the calm and I was like, you can't control it. Get out of the way. It's you, Tina. Stop resisting. Whatever's going to happen is going to happen. Yes. And I want him to just be whole. Yes. I really want him to be whole. So then when you just did this exercise, it came full circle up until less than 24 hours ago when he was still saying F you to me.

Yeah.

Yeah. I really was thinking he hates me because he was saying mean things to Cut. And you go to defense, avoid. And then it clicked when you said about your youngest childhood. And for the first time I was— I realized my father really loves me. But I, from his perspective, I betrayed him. And so from his side, the way he reacted was like guttchi. Yes. Because he didn't know how to deal with the fact that How could the one that I love the most— That's right.

It was the meaning. He just made up a meaning, right? He's also one of those creatures from another planet. He's a man. Yeah. And now he's a 93-year-old man, which creates another level of creature on the planet. So our meanings are different, right? No matter what. And in a lack of clarity, people make up sometimes, especially when they're uncertain, they make up the worst meaning because that's what uncertainty tends to bring. Uncertainty is another word for fear. When people say they're really fearful, what they're really is completely uncertain and they don't know what the hell to do. And they get that place. And a lot of people under uncertainty, what we talked about the other day, when people are fearful, a lot of people act very mad. And then you respond to the mad when it's really fear. But here you stepped in and you're taking away the fear completely. You're changing the meaning instantly, not by your words, because your words won't do it in '93. He's going to be pretty fixed in his mind about what things are, right? And that meaning is stuck with him. All our pain is from our meanings. All our joy is from our meanings. So if you come with a meaning that's making you miserable, it's time to change the fucking meaning because you're the meaning maker. Think about it. Humanity is where it is because we were to navigate uncertainty. We leave the old world and come to the new world where we all stand today, right? To navigate those waters that no one had navigated before. Some people died along the way, but people found the path. Now we have the path, now we all live here and take for granted that we can come from here to anywhere else on the planet. So now some people are working on going to other planets, right? Elon and people like that. But the adventure of life is a navigation, and it is not a straight line. There are no straight lines in nature. Use that as your metaphor. If you see a straight line in nature, a human made it. Everything in nature grows, and growth goes like this and like this, and if it's growing up, It goes up and down, doesn't it? Remember I said, you know it's working when you notice it's not working. And she didn't beat herself up. Did you notice that? She caught herself. She goes, that's not what— no, I can bring this back in. And what I love most is the ease she dropped into, because her father will feel that as much as he'll feel he got the house. The tension in you would have made him believe that you have done something wrong. And the tension wasn't that. The tension was like, I love him. I'm only doing it to protect him. This is crazy. Like, what? I don't know what the fuck to do. But the tension will be seen differently through that meaning. If you ever want to influence someone, it rarely helps with tension. And there's some you can influence just by force, force of nature. But the only way I've learned that you influence people long term is not to judge them and to stay in a place of ease, stay in a centered place, a loving place. Let things unfold. We all feel like we got to make it happen instantly. Like it's life and death, especially if you see yourself as an achiever. But the most achievement happens when you're no longer in life and death, when you're doing it because you're already full, because you made yourself feel so good. Remember I said the other day, everything you want in the future, anything you want to achieve and you want to have, a relationship, intimacy, fan, family, business, whatever it is, you want it for some feelings you think you're going to have. Love, intimacy, passion, peacefulness. Inner pride, strength, passion, joy, whatever it is, compassion. But you've already had all of those feelings from experiences in the past. They're already inside you. You already have the fabric. All you have to do is remember it. Not fake like affirmations. I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy. No. What's a great moment that I'm happy about that I've already lived? And when you go into it and you feel it, you're no longer empty. And now everything isn't so fucking forced because you're no longer responding to wounds. You're using a different fuel, consciousness, which is just a fancy word for caring. The higher your consciousness, the more you care. Remember we went through those different levels of consciousness? I mean, the first levels are all about me. That's survival consciousness, and everybody has that. And then gradually, hopefully, we grow and grow and grow till we start to care about others, and all of a sudden we care about even those we don't know, and the caring is acted upon. That's the difference. And the joy we get is a life of beauty and ease and meaning. And we need to remind ourselves this, 'cause the world's always making everything right, wrong, good, bad, success or failure, right? You did it or you didn't, good enough or not good enough. And that is all bull— constructions of the mind that's always reducing. It's always deleting, distorting, and generalizing. So we all have this mind, but we gotta manage it. And the heart is the center you manage it from, which is why that heart breathing process can sometimes help if you're really stuck. Breathe in your heart, focus in your heart for 2 3 minutes, think 2, 3 things you're grateful for, and then ask your heart what to do. Your heart knows the answer, much more powerful than your mind. So where is it now? You told him? No, I— oh, you haven't told him yet? Oh, look, she hasn't even told him and she's already free. Look at this, give her a hand for that. It's pretty awesome. This is beautiful, beautiful. I am the same. Okay, go ahead.

I want, I want him to see me face to face. Good. I want him to feel my energy. I want to I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. And I'm going to say it till he breaks. I'm going to say it. And so I'm waiting till I go home. And then if you don't mind, I don't mind.

I want to share something embarrassing.

So when I came here, I didn't really know what the whole package was about. So I was— The whole package?

I don't think any of you knew what the whole package was about. What the package was about, did you?

So I just zoned in on Date with Destiny. Yes. Man, I thought this was going to be like a huge dating situation.

Wait a second. Isn't it?

I have to give a thank you to JJ. He spoke a prayer over me when I got here. I told him what my focus was. I was mad. But I told him, "Yes, I'm here. I want to find my soulmate. I want to be heart prepared." And he just ever so graciously shut that down.

Well, maybe it is a date. It's a blind date, but maybe it's a date with finding your soul. That's what he said. So you can then mate up with it and then someone else can join you.

That's exactly what it was. He had me reset. He actually confirmed— thank you, JJ— he actually confirmed what God had been telling me for a while. And I was like, let me go be productive over here. Yes. Be productive over here. He's like, no, no, no, no. So how do you feel now? So I actually feel really— I feel really blessed and favored because by the time we connect, it's on. He's going to get such an amazing woman. I mean, I was cool before, but my—

Give it up for the one and only Tina. Give it up for her. Who else had a breakthrough you want to share here?

It's not probably my earliest, but this is one I remember. And it's something that governs everything in my life right now. So my dad— my parents are divorced. My dad took me to the beach, my brother and I, and we went to Ron Jon, and I picked out my bathing suit. Now, it was the tiniest bathing suit you could ever imagine.

How old were you? Early teens.

I had long blonde hair. I felt great. I felt sexy. I felt amazing. I was young. So, um, I am completely—

there you go. Give her a hand for that. That's nice. You can see if she owns that.

Um, I do share with everybody all the time. I'm 54 and, um, wow. And I feel like I'm 37. I've never had anything done. And I feel like it's because I choose to really live young. And I attribute a lot of that to y'all. And so thank you. And I just share that because I want everybody to understand we hold a lot of power. So got my bathing suit and then I went home. He brought me to my mom's. I walked in and my mom said, uh, You look like a slut and you look like a whore.

And, um, do me one favor if you would. Tell me the story of what your mom said, but do it in Mickey Mouse voice.

Um, you look like a slut and you look like a whore.

Okay, now do it like Donald Duck.

Oh, I don't know him. I didn't— quack quack quack.

Okay, please continue. Okay.

Yeah, 'cause I don't wanna remember that. So, but she proceeded to take me in the bathroom and she cut my bathing suit and she cut all my hair and said, "You will never be a whore or a slut. And why aren't you like my very innocent Jewish cousins who were very preppy and papagallo and covered themselves?" themselves up. And I think everything now is I'm constantly worried about being judged or what somebody's going to do or how I'm going to compare something. But in my heart, like, I feel free when I dress certain ways. I don't do it for judgment. I do things because I feel good.

Every time you think of a memory, You change it just a little bit, even if you're unaware of it. But the state you're in either adds to it and makes it worse, or you start breaking the pattern. So why go back and remember with the pain what your mother said? You've done that enough times. You could do it Bugs Bunny. You could do it any way you want. You could do it like you're making a song. Keep changing it, and then it won't feel the same. And if there's certain situations that hurt, why not bring in that moment the right message, the right emotion, or the right music. You do that enough and you won't feel those feelings anymore. See, we forget that it's all happening in our head, but our heart is much stronger and bigger than that. But the head sometimes gets in the way. The head will make you think your heart is not strong. The head will make you think you're not enough because the head is constantly distorting, deleting, and generalizing, and its goal is survival. It's not the goal of happiness. That's your job. Your job is take that head and direct it, right? Same thing as technology. You see people use technology so much and now they're stressed out that, you know, ever see them banging their phone 'cause something's not coming through quick enough? It's going to a fucking satellite, give it a minute. I mean, people get so stressed out and then they expect people to be the same way. So it's like, if you feel something doesn't work, scramble it. Scramble it. Take the image and make it like cartoon, make it fast, make it slow, shift, make it go backwards, change it. You're in command, we just forget that. So what we do is we go back and relive and have all the same feelings again, and then what happens is you don't let go of it because every time you relive it, you make it stronger, right? Every time you bend your finger, go bend your finger like that. What you're really doing is you're connecting neurons. Nerve cells in the brain. Neuron's a big word. Just think of a nerve cell in the brain. Imagine, for simplicity's sake, you do that once and two nerve cells connect with a little string of connection, a wire. Do it twice, another wire. Do it 10,000 times and you're just gonna do it and not even know you're doing it. But you can take that same thing, stop it, stop it, and do something new, do something new, do something new. And then after you do something new enough times, more rapidly, with enough emotion— it's gotta be a different emotion. Then it won't touch you anymore. We live these lives of reliving the past, and we all know if we try to drive in the future using a rearview mirror, we're gonna crash. And yet we still do it. So I'm— I just want to remind you, at any moment, why wait? The minute you're feeling that— now I'm not suggesting you don't have feelings, but if they're feelings you've gone through over and over again and they are not serving you, it's time to change them. Who's with me on this? Say, "Aye." And you can do it very rapidly. You can do a change in physiology, change of focus, change in language. You can scramble it a million ways. Remember, it's like scratching the CD in the old days. Who remembers CDs? Anybody old enough to use CDs? Right? Did you ever scratch one of those little pieces of shit? Did you ever have a DVD and do that? And you're in the middle of the movie, the key moment, and then the fucking thing wouldn't work? You try to polish it, spit on it, polish it back up, rub it on your clothes and shit. Put it back in. Anybody remember those days? We don't do that shit anymore. So don't do this shit anymore. Please continue.

So it's affected me in everything. I'm always comparing myself to others. I look at other women and I think, oh, they're gonna be like valued because they're nice and sweet or something. And I haven't dated because I I don't want anybody to think I'm a slut or I don't know.

Yeah, if you date, you're a slut. That's the new rule for slutting.

Our daughter, she's 3 and a half and her little friend came over. I was just talking about this the other day, about 2 weeks ago and they had swim class and our daughter was wearing like one of those little full pieces that have like the long sleeves for the sun and the little long legs. And her friend came over in a bikini and I'll call her friend G and she was like, G, No, cover your body. Your body's for you. And, and her little friend was like, no, I like this. This is my bikini. And so our daughter was like trying to pull up. She was giving a little wedgie, trying to pull up to cover her tushy and pull down her little top. But what struck me is that 3 years old, they both had a different expression. And in a different time, a different context, different age, that might look differently. Do you know what I mean? We all have different parts. We all have different rhythms. It's, it's, and by the way, it isn't because of that instance that you compare. Mind compares. How many women in the room wonder what other women think about them? What about what they dress like? Raise your hand. Take a look.

How many guys think about what other guys think of what you're wearing? One gay man. That's it. So by the way, a guy will say, who gives a shit? Don't think about it. Because for him, that's easy. Like, fuck you, you asshole. I don't want it fixed.

I didn't actually remember this until now. I just have always been like, what?

Like, life is so short.

What are you doing? Come on, let's get on with it. And I've always felt the need to, like, just tell people, like, just be yourself. But I haven't realized why I was holding myself back. So what I associated this with was really my mom's own fear. So she was afraid that I would become something that she didn't want me to do. She was protecting me. So I just didn't understand it at that time.

Yes. Pops didn't want you to be hurt.

She didn't want you to be hurt in the future. Sometimes our parents at that stage say things with such intensity and we think they're hating us or not loving us, but it's actually their way of loving. Remember, everyone's expression is different. And when somebody sees something they think can lead to pain for you in the future, mother or father, they can overreact. Because they're also probably overreacting to whatever they've experienced in their life.

I fulfilled that promise to a certain extent. I was pretty wild for a little bit. And so she would repeat that to me. And I think it just got ingrained. And finally I was like, this is so ridiculous. This is probably when I was a little older, obviously. But, but then I just went the other way. And so where are you? What?

So what have you decided now? What's the new meaning? What's the new decision that frees you.

I get to allow myself to be me. Yes. Allow others to be them. It means you don't give a shit or it doesn't matter. It doesn't give a shit what they think.

Yes.

You choose. Yes. So I think my message for anybody feeling that is just what a fuck waste of time. Give her a hand for that.

Raise your hand, who had a breakthrough kind of feeling doing this? I'm curious to see. Yes, ma'am.

My name's Andrea, and I'm from Southern California.

And you've been hanging out with Tony Robbins with that voice. Tell us what happened when you were dancing.

I felt very uncomfortable. I tried to get it, do it, and get into it and everything, and I would, and I'd come out, and I'd get in my head, and I'd look around, and I tried to be somewhere where nobody was would see me. Yes. And then if I opened my eyes and I saw anybody looking at me, it just— I had to like move. I had to like cover it. Yes. And I want to get more into my feminine because everybody— what everybody's saying, it's what I feel too. Like, I could have said the exact same thing that lady said. And I want to get more into my feminine, but even in this, like, I, I couldn't. But I want to, and I don't know how.

Your language is trapping you. Remember the example I've given you of like you're a kid, you're at the dinner table, parent says, "Could you get me the salt?" You're starving, you're eating. What do you say? "I don't know where the salt is." You're not lying, you don't know the exact GPS location of the salt in this moment, but your parents will not accept that and they say, "You know where it is, it's in the kitchen, get me the friggin' salt." And you get up and what do you say to yourself? "I know where the salt is, I know where the salt is, I know where the damn salt is." You open the cupboard, you look, it's not here. They go, "It's on the second shelf." I don't know where the salt is, I don't know where the salt is. It's not here. They walk right beside you, right in front of your face, and they go, "What is this?" Who's had an experience like this before? So your eyes, did your eyes see the salt? Yes. Your mind did not allow you to perceive the salt because you created what's called a stacoma, a blind spot. 'Cause when you say this over and over again, you hypnotize you. Just like when you said, "I am, I am, I am," and you do it with full physiology and focus with no limits. There's no room for all the bullshit you just said in your head. "I tried, but I couldn't." It's not you couldn't, it's you didn't, 'cause you have a habit of it and it's uncomfortable. But the only rewards are from doing the uncomfortable. Remember I said, "Do what's easy and you got a hard life." Do what's hard and it's an easy life. When you think about that path of the hero's path, when you're on of your life, you're being called. It's not comfortable, but one of the most important steps in that path is for you to get to that point where you see you're going to do what's hard. That's the fourth step. You got to do what's hard. If you don't do what's hard, all the rest of the stuff is a waste of your fucking time. But when you do what's hard, you create freedom. And the more you do what's hard, the easier it gets. And then pretty soon, now it's a muscle, it's a skill. So it's just your judgment of, are you good enough? Are you moving right enough? Looking at other people, making comparisons. But another way you could do this now is on your own in the house with nobody there. And you put the music on and you dance. You go take a bath, you turn things on, you have perfumes, have some chocolates, and you dance naked. When's the When was the last time you danced naked through the house with nobody there? That's your homework. At least, at least once a week. Ideally at least 2 times or 3 times a week, but no less than once a week for the next 6 weeks and you will not have this conversation with me again. Because you'll get comfortable in your own skin and it won't be about right or wrong, or good enough or not good enough. It'll be about the flow of my spirit. That's what men are— masculine energy is attracted to. It's the flow of your spirit. And the reason when a woman or a feminine force uses masculine as their source that it's a turn-off, besides the fact that there's no polarity, is because it doesn't look good on you because you're not good at it. Just like seeing a guy try to fucking dance who's truly masculine. You know, you better not make too many movements because it's not going to look good, right? It doesn't fit. It's not you. But the tension you create in your body by judging yourselves, ladies, it's all being in the head. Yeah. And by the way, when women get in their head, masculine. Guaranteed masculine. So your goal is get back into your body. Right? Get back in your body and let it flow and let it move and let your spirit— because this is a spiritual experience. Sensuality is a spiritual experience. We only are here because of sensuality. No one made it in this room without some sensuality. But somehow in our minds we've taken spirituality and sensuality and separated them. This is good and that is bad. That's the old blue thinking. But if you're turquoise, it's just feelings. If you're yellow, it all has its place. If you're green, it's love. If it's orange, you're comparing and seeing if you're the best one. And if you're blue, I don't know if I should be doing this at all, right or wrong. If you're red, fuck it, I'll dominate them. And if you're purple, you're freaking out looking for somebody to rescue you. And if you're gray, you're basically dying or just beginning. Which one have you been as your center of gravity? Probably orange. Yes. So you're evaluating, is this good enough? Is that right or wrong? And orange is really great for like doing a business deal. Orange is not great for you to evaluate the beauty of Andrea. It is completely unfair. I remember years ago, I'll give you an example. Men will often do it by their achievements measurement less than their bodies. Guys can look ugly as shit and think they're handsome. That's the weirdest fucking thing in the world. Women are gorgeous and they think they look like shit because of all these stupid images that women see that are not human. But we see millions of them, and when it's social media is filled with it, it feels a little crazy. But for a man, it would be financial or achievement. So I can remember going with my dear friend Peter Guber, and he invited me— this is 20-plus years ago— to go on this trip with him. And we went on his yacht, and I didn't even want a yacht. I just love Peter, and we're going to go on the trip. We're gonna have a great time. It was during the summertime, during July 4th, and we went on this, and there were a lot of people in the movie business there. Two of these people were talking and they said, "Peter made $25 million on that picture." $25 million! I remember at this time I was, I think I was 29 years old or something like that, maybe I was just about to turn 30, and I was working my guts out, and I was doing 3 UPWs a month, and Date with Destinies, and 1-day events, and trying to run the company, and doing everything, and I was doing well than most humans, and I wasn't even comparing before, but it's like, I couldn't make $25 million. I was barely making $1 million working on the road 275 days, giving every ounce of myself. Not 2-hour talks, 3-hour talks, 12, 13, whatever fucking hours it takes. None of that has ever changed in me. But all of a sudden I started feeling depressed. I'll never do that. And I got mad at myself and I got off the boat And I went home and on the way home I fell asleep on the plane and then I woke up and I was like, I don't even want a fucking yacht. I don't really want that. I don't even want $25 million. I just want true freedom for my family. I want to do what I want, when I want, where I want. And I can achieve that. There's still a way to meet the target. Maybe not this way, but also I was being so stupidly unfair to myself. I wasn't making a fair comparison. None of us make fair comparisons. And when significance is the value, you tend to really be unfair in your comparisons. If you want joy, stop comparing yourself to other people. Everyone has different experiences, even if you think their life is better. I'm the one that gets to deal with those people that you think are the greatest, that the greatest musicians, greatest ever, they all come to me. You know what their number one challenge is? They pursued significance and got it. They're the most significant person in their class, but they weren't really pursuing significance. They were pursuing significance as they thought it would bring them love from everyone, and they're injured inside. They feel pain inside because they took a pursuit of significance, and it doesn't usually lead to love. Some fanatic fans, yes, But plenty that just want what they want. So my lesson to all of us here is: flow. Trust in God. And no, you're not gonna make a fair comparison, so don't. Compare to what you're capable of. Compare to the next level of you. And if you keep improving you, you will wake up one day and your skills, your spirit, your soul will make room for you. Your talents will will make room for you. It may not happen in a straight line, it rarely does, and it may not happen in the timeline you want, but in my experience, it's always better when it happens than if you anticipated. But meanwhile, you'll suffer inside by comparison. So, André, you need to stop comparing to what you think you should or shouldn't be and just discover who you are. You might discover there's a beautiful, beautiful soul in there when you stop judging her.

I want to stop judging myself very badly.

So the best way to do that is get out of your head and move. And as you do it more and just move and explore, after a while it'll just feel so good, your mind will go away. Movement is the secret to getting out of your head. That's why we do so much of it. Sound, singing, even if you don't sound good like me, still feels good. I hope you don't hear too much of it. Try to put the mic down, but I'm still enjoying it. How many of you enjoy singing even though you don't sound for shit? —so it's about movement. Singing is movement. Laughter is movement. It's movements you don't normally make. That's why they're so valued. That if you do more of it, it'll be there. So it's time to give yourself some new gifts. Are you up for your homework? Yeah. Give her a hand, ladies and gentlemen.