Tony Robbins Saves A Marriage in Under 30 Mins | FULL INTERVENTION

We're very stuck.

What's really going on?

I'm afraid.

You get fearful about what?

Lack of connection.

And how does that show up?

Anxiety, and I shut down, and I become depressed.

What does that look like to him, do you think? Withdrawal. When you say withdrawal, what does that mean?

Get away from him, go to sleep. I get really anxious, which becomes very uncomfortable, and so I just try to get out of the situation.

Most of us, when we get what you call stuck, we go into what I call a crazy 8. Human beings will go into states. They can be states of fear or anger. When you're fearful, what needs does fear meet? Connection is one of the needs, but it could also, if you're fearful, feel very significant. Now what's interesting though is if you get fearful and you stay fearful, you also will feel insecure, anxious, and your nervous system can only take so much of that. So then you do a crazy 8 and you leave the fear and you go into pissed off and angry. Pissed off and angry certainly gives you significance, and it connects you, even if it's an ugly way of connecting, it connects you. Someone's not paying attention, you're there. But then if you're angry long enough, your nervous system can't— has to have variety, has to let go, and so you go into anxiety or fear or sadness, and when you go back and forth enough times, pretty soon you just feel depressed, meaning you depress your emotions, 'cause you don't know how to deal with this crazy 8 you're running through. How much of that is accurate for you?

1,000%. Yeah. And I've lived that way, way before we were ever together.

Yeah, it has nothing to do with him, truthfully. This is her core pattern. I guarantee you all have them. If I go dig in you, I will find them. You have an exit strategy. What is yours?

I try to make it work.

Try is a phrase we use so that we can supplement our brain and our ego, our fear, to say, I'm doing my part. But you aren't committed to doing whatever it takes. Trying will never produce a long-term result you want. And so you have tried to exit by trying to do what?

I work. I go to work.

You go to work. So she's not trying. She goes to work. She exits to a different context, which now this doesn't get any better when that occurs. Now, when you go to work, how much certainty do you have at work?

I have more certainty than I have at home.

How much variety at work?

More variety.

How significant do you feel at work?

More significant than I do at home.

So she gets certainty, she gets variety, she gets significance. Do you get more connection at home or there?

Probably there.

Do you feel like you're growing more at work or at home?

Well, at work.

Contribution, more at home or work? Work. Your self-esteem is tied to your perception that you're in control of events versus events are in control of you. But remember, control is an illusion. At work, she has the illusion she has more control there because there isn't this dynamic of intimacy that's involved in that situation, and the rules are more clear. It's a little easier to do. That's why most people spend more time there, even though it's not more fulfilling than a relationship when you make a relationship beautiful and working. Now, how certain do you think he feels that he can win with you and make you happy?

Minus 10.

The feminine forces in the room understand that is cancer to a man. To not make you happy means I'm worthless to most men. Even the ones you think don't care. We're wired to make it better for you. We're wired to try to please you. And when you light up, it lights up our souls. So he's a -10. How much positive variety, -10 to +10, do you think he experiences with you?

Maybe a -1.

And then how significant do you make him feel, do you think? How significant does he feel you make him feel in your relationship with him? 0 to 10, or -10 to +10?

We'll say 0.

Zero. So no significance, minus 1 variety. What'd you say certainty was?

Minus? 10.

10. How much connection and love do you think he feels from you on a consistent basis? Zero. How much growth?

Maybe a 4.

How much contribution do you think he feels from you?

I wish he felt more. That's the one.

Well, what would make him feel more?

Because that's a challenge for me is wanting to feel like I'm contributing and not knowing how to do it.

Have you asked him how? Definitely not. By the way, when you ask a woman sometimes, "What are you feeling?" often they'll say, "I don't—" No. Men, most of the time, will say, "I don't know." Out of all those need structures, you don't see yourself meeting his needs, and you don't see your needs being met, but you're able to go do it at work, so you spend more time at work.

I go to work to try to find something to meet my needs. I'm not achieving my needs in many, really, in any area.

Not even at work at the level you want? Not really, no. Okay, and what's preventing you from meeting your needs?

The crazy 8 has been the preventer up until now. Yeah, that makes total sense.

And you go back and forth and then—

because it's been a lot, it's been a lifetime. It's been a lifetime.

Okay, I understand. Can I ask him a couple questions now? Go for it. I'm sorry, I don't know your first name.

O'Neal. Do you love this woman? Very much.

Why the fuck would you when none of your needs are met?

You know, there's a lot of reasons to love her. She is truly a very, very good person. And a very solid person. She's honest and sincere, and she is a, you know, an incredible person in a lot of ways.

And tell me, what do you think if she had not spoken and I asked you how much certainty does she get from you that you're there for always, love her always, and so forth, what would you think the number would be?

I think she's pretty certain that I'm— I love her and I'm there. And, you know, up until just recently.

And then what happened recently that maybe Let that certainty drop.

I finally got to the point where I said, I need more. I need more out of this relationship. I've got to feel loved. Yes. And it's a hard thing to do because when you're dealing with someone that's already got the crazy 8 going on— we had a conversation today, said you're not being authentic. Well, if I'm authentic and you're already sad, and all that, it's gonna really fuck you up.

You don't want to share how badly it feels because you don't want to hurt her. Correct. By her own description, almost none of his needs are met, yet he loves this woman because beyond the needs there is a deep spiritual— there's a loving connection. He believes what her soul is, but he's exhausted in a place of feeling like a failure. If she was lit up like a Christmas tree, believe it or not, and she wasn't doing perfect things for him, would that meet a lot of your needs? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Most of you don't understand that men live to please you. They get to the point where they don't know how, or some of you don't let them. It's— you were trained, if you make them that, they'll get overconfident and they'll leave you, or they'll take control over you. You should never depend on them. It's— by the way, do you think this man would be a dependable man? Just give me your first reaction, ladies. Yes or no? Solid as a rock dependable. He's being pushed away, and it isn't because she doesn't love him. Can you see that? It's that she's wrapped up in a world of constantly going back and forth between fear, anxiety, and anger, and he doesn't know how to break through that. He's been trying for a very long time, and he's finally exhausted the point to saying, even though I love her, maybe at this stage of my life with X number of years left— because that's usually what does it, by the way. People get to the point where they go, You know what? I can't spend another decade this way, another 5 years this way. I can't imagine. I got, I got to do something. I don't want to leave, but I can't live this way. That's usually what ends it. Remember I said most relationships don't end for a lack of love. They end for a lack of intimacy. And there's no intimacy because we aren't getting really connected at any of the need structures. And the fear in you, if I may ask, coming back over here, Terry, what is the ignition of that fear?

I think when I don't, when I'm unable to feel connection, my nervous system physically freaks out.

Show me or tell me what has to happen for you to feel that connection.

Feeling energetically connected. Feeling— Oh, okay, energetically connected. And I don't know how to make that tangible. I don't know what that is. I don't know.

Well, let's experiment. Do you look at him? Just look at her and feel her. Do you feel energetically connected to him right now? A little bit. A little bit. How many saw it was more than a little bit? Raise your hand. But she said a little bit just because, you know, can't let him win too easily and shit, you know, make him feel good.

He likes that.

God forbid, you know, his ego might get big, might not pay attention, or he might fall more deeply in love with you because he feels successful. So, you want to know what I said to him? I simply said one thing. I said, look into her eyes. Don't think about yourself for even a moment. Look in her eyes and feel her and repeat these phrases in your head, not out loud. I love you. I worship you. I will take care of you forever. Over and over while you feel her and you don't think about how you're doing. You don't think about yourself.

I felt a pull towards him. His energy was focused in looking at me. I think I saw a little bit in his eyes, a little hurting. And so I wanted to fill that gap.

Oh, you sure do love him, don't you? He spoke nothing and she was pulled to him. That's called presence. It's a skill every man needs to have, but no one trains us in having. He naturally has that, but he feels fearful. I can't get through to her. So it isn't just her going in. We could easily say this is all Terry. It takes two to tango, and he hasn't known how to win. He— only reason he considers leaving— he loves this woman— is he doesn't know how to win, and he can't take failing anymore. With her. He'd rather just love her and not be in this position. Or we can teach him how to win. And you can— Hell yeah! And you can teach him how to win too. Now, all feminine energy is attracted to presence, calm and connected. That stillness in you, but where it wasn't just you being still, where you were in her, not your head, and you're feeling her. It pulled her towards you. And especially when you're declaring, "I love you, I worship you, I'll take care of you forever," that creates safety. So your lady loves you dearly is pretty obvious. Like, she felt your need and came to you as much as she felt you meeting her needs. That's how I know she worships and loves you. She's just been scared. Even though you've been together how many years? 11. You're in the awakening season. Awakening to the fact that even though we love each other, there are things in me that if I'm not conscious about it will actually make my partner feel fear or pain or worry or anger, even though that's not my intent. But I can still win. I just need to know what those patterns are for her. And so for her, it's like crushing the distance too quickly, and she just froze. You could feel everything in her freeze. When people have fear, they freeze or they fight or they fly, they run. Tell me something, Terry, what attracted you to this man originally? Watch this.

His outgoing, fun, amazing energy that I don't have. I have a lot of warrior in me. I've lived in warrior. Yes. And I realized that I was attracted to his magician and his lover and his king because I was not experiencing any of those. Yes.

And now you've been together 11 years and you said, I don't have those things. But Terry, if you may allow me—

No, I know I have them. I just haven't— But they've not developed.

And because you've not developed, then there starts to be a resentment towards him for the very thing you were originally attracted to.

Oh, absolutely.

The only reason you have that response is because you were attracted to them because that's a quality in you you have disidentified with. You developed a model. And you've lived it so long you think it's you, and you've denied, denied, denied those things so it's not part of your identity, even though it's part of your soul. And so if you don't then grow where you have some of that, there may not be as much as him because it may not be your core nature, but it's a part of you. He's just developed it longer, just like you developed other qualities longer. Then you start to resent him because what you're really resenting is you haven't grown. Yes. And then little shit starts to bug you. You start to be annoyed by little things, and then it grows to resentment, and then it can be rejection, like, "Why the fuck do you do that?" And then the other person's like, "What? Why the fuck do I do that?" That doesn't work real well, 'cause they're like, "I did nothing." And then they come at you, and you go, "See?" And then the worst one is you get to repression, which is close to where you guys have been. We never fought.

We just both went to repression.

Yeah. So in repression, you have two people. They might love each other, but you'd never know it. You see them in Starbucks. They sit across the table from each other. They're both on their phones. They're both reading the paper. There's not a lot of emotion. They pretty much have separate lives even though they live together because they don't want to deal with the pain. And because if you don't push through the pain, you don't get a breakthrough. If you don't get a breakthrough, you get stuck, at least in the moment. Stuck is doing the same shit over and over and expecting a different result. You're not stuck, you're just doing the same thing. That part of you, Terry, can be honored and you could have a lot less fear. It's not just you should be stronger. It's like he would love— tell me if I'm wrong, Neil— He would love to take away that anxiety for you and feel like he's your champion, he did it. True or false? Hell yeah. Now by the way, most men don't, we don't have this training, and we don't operate the same way. So you can shift this very quickly. I have an exercise I'll do sometimes with men, I'm not gonna do it with you 'cause you got it right away, is I'll have you and I'll bring two other women up, and I'll say, I want you to go present, and they watch him and I have them slap him every time He's not present.

I'm glad I get to skip that.

But the point of the matter is, you— can you do what we just did with her? Not hard. By the way, was what you did with her sincere? Yes. And she felt it immediately. But you had to give her time to process it because you and I are going to come straight here and go at it, right? We're going to work on this and make this thing happen. Do you tend to talk more rapidly when you get excited about things or more slowly?

I would imagine rapidly. That's why I'm afraid. Yes.

That's what it all comes back to. I'm afraid because 1 1 doesn't equal 2. I'm living in this world where none of the math works. Yes. So when he's just—

But just for a second, does this math work? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Where's the fear now? It's not here. Hmm. Where's the anxiety now? It's not here. You have no fucking idea how powerful you are to this woman's heart and soul. You have the same power with your radiance. Thank you. When you dim your radiance, ladies, that cuts off the connection with a man. Your radiance, your love, your joy, your energy is what makes men feel alive. We would be just working machines if it wasn't for you beautiful souls. You bring us to life. Yes. And we can bring you safety, security, and a place. Now, she goes, "I don't need your safety and security." Well, that's okay, then I don't need to be here. You can find somebody that meets those needs. But he really wants to meet her needs. She wants her needs met. So all it is is translation. It's like them speaking different languages. And when she's got anxiety, he feels like he can't win for years. You start to do it. So you're in a season. The first season is springtime. In springtime, how hard is it to make a relationship work, do you think? It's effortless. It's all chemistry. It's all romance. It's all that. But as I'll show you in a moment, there are testing points, and most people are in it for the pleasure. If you're smart and wise enough that you found somebody you really love, you have to understand that it isn't just like a Harlequin romance or a rom-com, and that it's deeper and richer than those things. But it requires an awakening The season of awakening usually doesn't happen till you're in your 40s or you've been with someone at least 5 years, 4 or 5 years. And then what happens is you went through this phase and now it isn't connecting and there's pain. But instead of exiting, which what most people do, you awaken. You awaken to how my behavior touches this soul that I love. That's not bad or good, it's just like, I need to know This is how that world interprets it. Once we awaken to that, then it's no longer so much about me, it's about us. When you start to break up, it's about me, and it's about me, which you have every right to do, 'cause you're not being fulfilled. But an easier way would be to come together and say, "Okay, on a 0 to 10, how much am I fulfilling those in my partner? And if I'm not, maybe I ask." Now, when you ask, people don't always know the answer, 'cause it's not conscious always. So you don't wanna go, "I asked them, they didn't tell me." Another way to ask is, Watch. Try different things and see the impact. It isn't always verbal. And the more, as a man, you work to understand her—

The more I open, the more I can love.

And as you love more, what happens?

I give more love and he receives more love.

So the question is, how could you meet more of his needs to know that he's the most significant man in your life? Because, write this down, In every relationship, if your partner doesn't feel that they are the most important thing to you, problems are coming. It doesn't matter if it's kids, even though the kids are super important. Doesn't matter if it's work. Doesn't matter if it's girlfriends. Doesn't matter if it's sports. Doesn't matter what the fuck it is. If someone feels like there's something more important to them in a relationship, you are moving in the direction of pain. And it's easy to have that happen in a life that's full, where maybe you have multiple multiple kids. Sometimes 60% of the couples in the United States now have mixed families. 60%. It's more than half now. It's so easy to heal things, but it's not when you start believing it's impossible. Your job is help him win. He wants to hear it. Do you want to hear it?

For you to win, I have to feel like I can— there's some place that I can contribute, that there's something that, that I can meet in your life that no one else can. And many of the things that you have shared with me are things that I haven't been able to do, and I don't know if I ever will be. And that's what makes me afraid. Intimacy, family, just living the lifestyle that you live. And so I have a lot of fear.

Yeah, he came to you immediately. Did you notice that? Yes. Why did he do that, do you know?

Because he loves me and he wants to— doesn't want me to be afraid.

And because you were vulnerable. 'Cause you were authentically sharing your pain. You didn't make him wrong about it. Did you notice the difference? Yes. If you made him wrong about it, he might get defensive, he might tighten, and then you'd feel disconnected. But instead, you just owned what you're feeling, and it brought out more love from him. But now the other question is, what can you do for you when you're fearful? Would be a way for you to instantly exit the fear. What's a deeper truth that you know in your soul that your mind might forget, but your soul knows?

To be playful. Yes. And to have fun. Yes. And that is my true self. I know when I am playful and fun, that is when I'm channeling who I really am. Yes.

By the way, what attracted you to this woman in the beginning?

There was quite a few things as far as just physical attraction.

Well, anything, all the things.

Okay, I was going to say, you know, yes, yeah, I can clearly see.

He's like, look what you— look what I got here, come on.

We, we— yeah, we met at the gym. So, okay, great. You look good in a pair of shorts.

Okay, great.

Um, but so yeah, that, and, and there's just, again, there's a quality about her. Yes. Got a quality soul. She's got a character. Yes. That is deeper and better than most.

Is it real? Yes. Anybody? Pearl, do you have any suggestions that might be helpful for her?

Yes. Well, I, I think You can try different things on, but the feminine is experienced in our senses. This is whether we're male, female. The feminine is, you know, there's a sensuality to it. There's a, you know, through touch, through movement, through expression, through prayer, through meditation, like how can I connect the source of who we are, who you You are is love, and we experience that by embodying, by being in our body, by feeling her. And so everybody's different, but even for Tony and I, if we're, 'cause you know we have big long full days, and if we're gonna have dinners, we have dinner time with our daughter, we always will jump in the hot tub, jump in the pool. Why? To have a physical reset. So you're not just like walking from work, walking from the car, walking from the last call or Zoom call or whatever it might be, so that there's a shift. Changing your clothes, having candles, having music, like anything that puts you, that you just feel connected and feel open and feel alive, that you can access the playfulness and the beauty of who you are. You're so lovely. Oh, Terry, you're so lovely. Like, I understand the quality that you speak of, O'Neill. There's just a real accuracy in who you are, a goodness of who you are, a light of who you are. You deserve to connect to that within you. And so music, dance, prayer, meditation. Why? Because it connects us. Otherwise, we have this going all day long. Mind, I have to do this responsibility, duty, all these things as humans, never mind women. And so that radiance is our nature, and it's not only beautiful for our beloved, it's beautiful for us.

I mean, yes, I pray, I meditate, but honestly, I meditate when I'm so fucking anxious that I need to get my nervous system back on track. And it usually doesn't work very well.

Well, sometimes I find that having those practices, not only when you're like actually in the moment, but actually beginning and ending or throughout the day. We, you know, talk about like 60 seconds of grace, just every hour to just take a moment of noticing.

What triggers you to be playful? By the way, when I said that, look at his face. How many saw that happen just on his face? He lit up like a Christmas tree. Playful. There's hope. Moving forward. Does that mean letting go of things in the past?

For me, moving forward is being connected to myself. Yes. Being in my body, being in the right state. Yes. That's the only way that I can access it. That's the only avenue. True.

But you don't need more wisdom than that. Right. Most people don't even have more wisdom than that. Most people don't even have those ways. Right. So instead of thinking of it as a limit, just think, "That's how I do it." By the way, how do you feel when you're being playful?

How do I feel when I'm playful? I feel alive. I feel like I'm living my true self.

And sometimes she may not feel enough of your presence, not just the state of presence or even just your attention. If you get caught up in doing business and work, look at the head here going up and down as I notice this, and that she doesn't know what to do. So you need some new techniques. Techniques that are playful. So some women get pissed off and like, you don't pay attention, you work too hard, and all that stuff. My wife, I might be in the middle of something really important, bam, something hits my head. What the fuck? Bam, hits it again. She's throwing almonds at my ass, you know, and giggling her ass off. Or she'll come up around the corner and shock and surprise you. She's just like, she has techniques she uses when she wants the attention. Which, if she's not getting it, she knows how to get it. And I'm happy to give it, but sometimes I'm in my focus. And so, you know, it's like I need a little assistance. So she gives me great assistance.

Because you know what's so beautiful is we unconsciously believe, I think we're conditioned to believe that our beloved is supposed to fix us. Take care of this. That's my job. That's your job, that's not your partner's job, can tidy this up by having practices, whether it's dance, whether it's tuning in 60 Seconds of Grace, so that you connect to her, you feel alive, you feel like you, then our cup is full. And then we have something to offer rather than expect it and demand it, 'cause that makes— I can only say this 'cause I've done it. I remember being like, be present for me. I wanted his presence. His presence. Why? I wasn't present. Why? I wanted him to feel better. Understand me. Like, what the frick? Why don't you understand me? Why? I wasn't understanding myself. That's absurd. That's madness. How could I expect another human being to understand what I don't understand inside myself? Oh, I agree. Yes, beautiful, honey. The truth. And so that's what we're here. We're dealing with this so somebody else doesn't have to deal with us. So we actually get to share our lives and fall in love and have these beautiful practices and connect and feel alive and radiant and share that with one another. You two love each other. You do.

Can I interject something? Yes. You said about being fearful that part of it was the lack of intimacy and part of it was that we didn't have a family. I own that. I know that's on me. I made a choice.

I chose you. So you had a family previous to this is what you're saying?

I'm sorry, just— no, we, we didn't have children. You didn't have children, and I wanted children real bad. But yes, she feels guilty for that, but it's not on her, that's on me.

Yes. Are you in love with this woman?

Very much.

Would you trade her for children? No.

Smart move, right? I have a lot of guilt around that topic. Yes. Um, that feeds into our shit.

So a couple things that might be helpful is language produces emotion and meaning, and we get patterns of language we don't even use. So you've talked about your shit a couple times since we began, and it actually isn't shit at all. It's two people who love each other who have different patterns. And even though I'm not I'm not correcting you. I'm with you. I just want you to be aware of what it does to you when you say that, because it's different than, gosh, sometimes things get confused, or it's different than, gosh, we both get busy and I want to bring us together, you know, that type of thing. And the other one is my guilt. There are a couple of times you're calling it my— who the fuck do you think you are? Do you think this is your guilt? Do you really think you created guilt? No. How many millions of people feel guilty? All you're doing is tapping into an energy that's been around forever when you go into that low physiology. Also, it's a way to connect with yourself, my dear. You're showing you care, but he doesn't need that at this stage. He superseded that in his love with you. That's why it's like, it's like, I want anything I can possibly do to light you up. And if that was my vision, I have lots of ways to meet our needs. It can't just be through kids. Am I right? Absolutely, yes. So that's where it is. So part of it is, you know, problems need energy to live. Remember that? You've given this problem a lot of energy. If you just leave it alone and say, at times I'll feel anxious, and honey, I'm feeling anxious, I'd love your presence. What would you do if she said, I'd love your presence?

Provide it. That's right. I'd say the same 3 things you told me to say.

That's right. See, he's a man. He's He's got the system, it's ready, right? Oh yeah. 'Cause notice how excited he is, 'cause he knows he can win. Win means light you up. Min means make you feel loved. Win means feel connected, have you feel connected to him. He wants that more than anything. But what I want you to first tell me though is, would you like to continue in this beautiful marriage? Yes. Would you like to continue this beautiful marriage? Yes. Absolutely. Then we take off the label or the table stepping out. Can you see there are ways to win? Yes. There are multiple other ways. I'm gonna invite you to look for them and to find them because you like discovering ways to break through. You like figuring out answers, and this is one that when you get the answers to, it's really great, and then your job is do your best to communicate communicate clues, and there's just a couple habits. My— you label my for your problems. They're not yours. It's not my guilt. And that'll start to break the pattern, because when you say guilt all the time, it's like the words you attach to your experience become your experience. So you can have a really uncomfortable feeling, and someone else might call it uncomfortable, someone else might say kind of annoying, or somebody else might say I gotta learn something, but you're gonna say that makes me feel feel guilty because I should have done. And so that habit is just a habit of labeling things, and then you do feel it the minute you label it that way. So the words we speak to ourselves, not only to other people, create that. So I've become aware of that on both your parts. But then I propose one more thing, only if it's real to you. I would propose, if you believe that you can find the way to win with her, and you clearly love her and she clearly loves you and wants to continue, Are we going to continue evaluate leaving or are we committing to make this work?

I'm committed to making it work.

Yeah. How about you? Absolutely committed to making it work.

Well, then you make us the bride.