You’re Not Stuck. You’re the Problem. | Tony Robbins Full Intervention

Is it a skill problem or a psychology problem? Quick. On the surface, most of you would buy this theory. She doesn't have working capital, but it's psychology. See, you all think this is a business issue. There is no such thing as a business issue. It's always a personal issue. The chokehold on the growth of this business is what? The psychology and skills of the leader. Fear is the basis of all your lack of progress. The real truth is she's scared, and that's what's getting in the way of everything. What are you scared of? What's the truth?

I'm by myself. What if I can't do it?

What's your name? Where you from?

I'm Pixie.

Pixie, what a cool name.

Thanks.

Pixie, where you from?

Charleston, South Carolina.

From South Carolina, ladies and gentlemen. Tell us, Pixie, what business you in? How's business?

I'm in business development, currently focusing on distilleries.

Okay. And how's business?

Business is good. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. How many got that? She said it with affirmation. Business is good. That means it's not in trouble. It's doing pretty good, right? Pretty good. And what's the chokehold on the growth to the next level?

Working capital.

Really? So tell me about that. Explain that to me.

To open the markets that I missed.

By the way, just to help you, whenever somebody has a limiting belief from now on, if we hear it, we'll be totally respectful because it's not about making somebody wrong. Because how many of us have limiting beliefs we're not even aware of? How many of you can think of something you used to believe 10 years ago that you would have fought to defend, that today you think it's pretty absurd you even believe that shit? Say aye. Aye. So there's zero judgment. You follow me on this? If you do this with judgment, it doesn't work.

I've had challenges bringing in capital. I get offers, they're just not offers that I'm happy with.

I see. So it's not working capital is the problem, it's having working capital at the price points or valuations you want.

That recognizes my value.

And why are people not recognizing your value that you see?

Lots of people tell me different reasons.

They tell you different reasons, what's the real reason? What are the reasons they tell you?

I think my business, I'm making it more complicated than they can understand.

More complicated than they can understand or more complicated than allows a business to be able to grow exponentially in scale?

My background in financial services made me give so many of the risks and try to make sure that people were absolutely prepared that they could lose their money, that I think I continue to do the same thing. Which is? So I can almost talk them out of investing in me because I care for their risk, even though I don't think I'm very risky.

So is it a working capital problem, yes or no?

No.

Yes or no? Is it a skill problem or a psychology problem? Quick. How many see this immediately? But on the surface, most of you would buy this theory. She doesn't have working capital because many of you say me too. But your reason, it may be different than hers, but it's the same reason. It's psychology. Her psychology is I need to protect them at all costs. But right now she feels like she talks them out of it. There's truth in that. But she also gave us some insight that's even more true. She's making the business too complex. It is not a business if it is not duplicatable. It's a a fucking job. A job with a lot of risk. Some of you do not have a business, you're self-employed. And by the way, I'm not being derogatory. You must know if you're in this room, I fucking die for you. Well, no, I won't do that 'cause I've almost done that recently. Fuck that. But I would give my all for you. 20 hours a day, no matter how I feel. I'm here to serve you. But to serve you, I gotta tell you the truth. There's nothing wrong with being self-employed. If you're self-employed, you get to call the shots, you get to decide the time, the energy, the money, all those things. But you are always going to be an operator and you will always be stressed. And you will never have freedom. Because you never, even if you want to, have the ability to sell that business because it's too fucking complex. Or it's too dependent upon you. It is not a business. McDonald's, do they make the best burger? Yes or no?

No.

No. The most successful company of its type in the world. Because they built a system that an idiot can join. Anyone can be put in. You can replace the people. The system is solid. A business is a system of adding value. If you don't have a system that you can't walk away from, you cannot sell it. If you cannot sell it, it is not a business. Now many of you in this room are a psychology of, "I don't ever want to sell this," and I understand that. We'll explain this later on, but it's a mistake. It's not a mistake that you don't want to sell it. It's a mistake not to run it as if you're going to, because if you run it as a business that's scalable, you will be more profitable if you keep the business. You'll have more choices and you'll have more freedom. So right now, this business is dependent primarily upon whose decision-making capabilities?

So it's not about mine.

I'm asking, whose is it?

Um, okay, a lot about mine, but, but, but I'm glad you saw that.

Well, no, reaction, no, it's not. Yes, it is.

Well, no, because so we're a family-run business. I have 9 children. 6 of them are running the distilleries, and they really are all independent. CEOs, and they do make the decisions, they run the operations. I get to come out and do the rainmaking. We do build high-visibility brands. I'm in negotiations to try to move some of those brands. It took time to build them up to the point where they can be sold. John Paul DeJoria is a good friend of mine.

Good, mine too. That's cool.

And? And so I'm just— that's where I'm stuck.

Well, there— you know, all the electricity in this room comes from where? Anybody know? Hoover Dam. It's not far from here. It was built in the 1920s, right, during the Depression, and were employed people, they built this dam. It's one of the largest dams in the world, hydropower. When they were building it, 6 people during the time of building fell in and they're still there. They're stuck. If you're not in Hoover Dam, you're not fucking stuck. Okay. But your psychology, your psychology is stuck. How many follow this? Right? And when you think you're stuck mentally, you are. There is no stuck. This is pure psychology. This has nothing to do with the business whatsoever. The chokehold on the growth of this business is what? The psychology and skills of the leader. And it's more psychology than skills here, at least 80%. How many follow here? Say aye. Aye. So help me with what you're stuck with, because I'm unclear.

I'm trying to get my valuations high enough so that— right now I don't have any debt or investors. I built this by myself.

Okay.

And I'm doing about—

Now, by the way, I did the same thing for years and was equally proud. Sometimes that's fucking stupid.

Yes, it is.

Because you're not able to scale. You're limited to what you can physically do. That makes you stay an operator. So it sounds good, but I don't know any truly successful business that doesn't have any investors or any debt. There's only very few. So it feels good to an individual. She's trying to meet her needs. She is not thinking like an owner, she's thinking like an operator. That is her problem. Raise your hand if you follow it. It's not a capital problem. It's not a quality product problem, it doesn't appear to be. Seems like the business is growing. If other people are interested in investing in it, It's a psychology problem. And that psychology, she's getting in her own way and she's got all kinds of reasons. I'm talking people out of it's one reason, I'm not getting enough valuation's another reason, I'm following you is another reason. She got every reason except the truth. Mwah! You're the only reason. So what is it that's getting in the way in you? One thing you've told me is you talk people out of the business. Why are you talking them out? You say, 'Cause I don't wanna have risk.' Well, if you believe in your business as much as you say you do, then it wouldn't be much risk. So maybe you don't believe it as much as you think you do.

No, I do.

Or is it you think you should have no investors? Because notice she was very proud of that. How many noticed that? Raise your hand. No investors, no debt. She's really proud of that. Well, that can be a good thing, but not if you're trying to grow.

I was saying that's where I am now. My hallucination was that I had to figure out to get the highest valuation so that I wouldn't be arguing my value because it's It's a disruptive platform and it was hard to explain it to people, so I just said, "Oh, I'm just gonna do it and show them." Great, so now you've done that. Yes, and now I'm afraid.

Okay, so now we got to the real piece. Raise your hand if you follow. We're going through this whole conversation to get to the truth. The real truth is she's scared and that's what's getting in the way of everything. What are you scared of? What's the truth?

I'm like, what if I can't?

We're on your side. You don't have to feel bad about this. I know. 'Cause once you know what it is, you can fix it, honey.

What if I can't do it? I'm by myself.

I know that we've heard that story 4 times. You tell that story all the time. And then you get tears like this and you feel sad inside and you connect with yourself by telling that you're alone. It's the way you feel sorry for yourself. And by the way, I'm not judging you. Please feel me. I'm pouring love into you right now. It may not feel like love in the moment, but it really is, honey. You have a habit that is in the way. Your habit is, I'm on my own, I've been on my own forever, and there's some pride in that and there's sadness in that. You're not on your own. You have 6 children, is that what you said, that are running these things?

Yeah, 6 running, but 9 kids, 5 grandkids.

And 9 kids. That's pretty awesome. So you got 6 kids, so you're not alone. You don't have a man in your life, it sounds like. Is that true?

True.

Or a woman? Do you want a woman or a man?

Man.

Okay, just— I don't want to assume shit in the day and age we're in today, you know? Okay, so you want a man, there's not a man in your life. And how much of that affects you on a day-to-day basis?

A lot.

Yes. See, you all think this is a business issue. There is no such thing as a business issue. It's always a personal issue. It's always something in you that needs to shift to go to the next level. Some things like this you don't see at first and then they become obvious. Some things are almost never obvious unless you dig. Fear is the basis of all your lack of progress. And many of you are fearless type of people, so you don't relate to this at all. But you're fearless while you're in your threshold of control. If you get beyond your threshold control, you will discover that there's fear in there because it's in all human beings, because what we all have is a 2-million-year-old brain and it's designed to look for what's wrong and fight it or flight from it, run from it, or freeze and hope nobody notices. And that's what people do in business, and they don't even know that's what's going on. There is no saber-toothed tiger that's going to kill you anymore. So now we worry about what people think, how much money we have. And this woman is doing quite well. Even if there's a struggle to have this many kids all running different distilleries, she's doing pretty frickin' well. And life in business is good, right? But she's afraid, if I sell this business, what are you really afraid of? If I get these investors, what are you really afraid of?

I'll lose control.

That's right. And you have the illusion that you're in control now. By the way, this need to control is why she's alone, feeling alone. She isn't really alone, but she's feeling alone. She's valuing this sense of certainty. Are you following me on this now? And significance. Those are the driving forces right now, and they are trapping her because she's also connecting with herself through her pain. Her pain is that I don't have a man in my life, I gotta do the whole fucking thing myself. But she's focused on what she doesn't have instead of what she does have. You can't build on failure. So she's building, and she, she straps herself to it. She makes herself grow. She's a very fucking strong woman. But she gets tired of being fucking strong, don't you?

Yes.

What's this really about? Tell yourself the truth, Pixie. Cool name. I'm—

I'm really pissed off. I'm really pissed off.

About what?

I have worked my ass off my whole life. I supported a man. I built him to big, big, big business. I did all the work. I had all the kids. I took nothing. I slaved, I wanted nothing, I got no significance, no recognition, and then at the top of the game, he walked out the door.

Yes, and then you took all that you built.

And now I don't know what to do. I do know what to do, I'm afraid to do it.

Give her a hand for that. She knows what to do, she's afraid to do it, right? So forget the fear for a moment and tell me, what do you need to do? Fuck the fear for a moment. Just put it aside. What do you need to do? 'Cause here's the deal. You're living in the story of your past, and here's the truth. You did all those things 'cause you chose to do them. I'm not saying he was a good man. I don't know. Maybe he was a good man, terrible man, maybe a lazy ass. I don't know. I'm not here to deal with him 'cause he's not here. I'll be happy to deal with him. Send him. I'll fuck him up for you. We'll make things straight, man. But in the meantime, that's not gonna change your life. The only thing that's gonna change your life are your decisions. And you made the choice to do all those things truthfully because it fulfilled you at some level.

Yes.

So don't give me this bullshit about how you sacrifice. It's what everybody does in postmortem.

Yes.

But you did at the time 'cause it fulfilled you. Now you're not fulfilled because it didn't end the way you wanted it to. But you do have the business and you do have your children, which are pretty magnificent, it sounds like, 'cause most people's children, you know, they're off doing something else. Your children are all in business with you, most of them. So you have a family business that you love and it's grown and it's doing well. But the story that I built all this and sacrifice and have nothing, I'm stuck, because what you really want is you don't want to have to use your masculine all the time.

True? Yes.

And you developed the masculine because you had to.

Yes.

How fucking cool is that? Means you have access to feminine and masculine, but you can't be in control and in a relationship with a masculine man. That's why you're alone. Because it takes opposite energies to have an attraction that's that strong. That's not to say she can't have a relationship, but she can't have a dynamic, passionate relationship because she's the masculine. So who's she gonna bring? A feminine man. And then she'll be in the beginning happy because she could control him. That's why you like that guy. But then you end up being angry because you can't trust someone who you can control, because that means some other woman could control him. So you lost respect for him. You lost polarity with him. True?

Yes.

So then you took over more and used more of your masculine. And by the way, it's wonderful. You can do anything you want. Any woman can use her masculine or feminine. Any man can have masculine. Do we both? Do we all have both? Yes or no? But we have a core, and if your core is not respected, even if you succeed, you're unfulfilled. Her core is feminine. She's just been away from it forever, and she thinks she has to be masculine to run her business, which is not true. Feminine has more power if it's used properly. If you think masculine has more power, watch a feminine woman walk by with a bunch of masculine men. They can't even fucking control themselves. Who's in charge? She's in charge. It isn't even looks. It's freedom. A woman that is happy— gentlemen, how many think a woman who is truly happy messes you up? How many gentlemen here think that's one of the sexiest things in the world? Make some noise so ladies hear you. Every man here who's visual— most men are triggered to be visual. It's the way we're wired. Will respond visually to certain women, but every man here knows what it's like to be around a super attractive woman who's just horrible to be with. Who's so full of herself, so whatever, right? And I know you ladies know what it's like to be around a guy that's like that. Same thing. He's really handsome, but holy shit, being in a relationship with him is hell. All he cares about is himself. Right? So we're not looking at that. We're saying she can have what she really wants, but she can't have it as long as she stays in this masculine mode. Who's running the business, she can't be that all the time if she wants to be fulfilled. And she's angry that she's not fulfilled and she's worried that she'll never have that fulfillment. So the business is clouded by what's going on with her personally. Raise your hand if you follow this. So is she smart enough to figure this out? Yes or no? But what she doesn't want to do is be out of control because she thinks out of control equals pain when the truth is you aren't in control in the first place. The most you have is influence. And you know, if you get great at influence, you'll have the illusion of control. What you really have is influence. You can't even control your kids even though you think you can. They'll still do what the fuck they want even if you've conditioned them long enough. Eventually, they'll do what any masculine man will do. They'll break out. You can't hold somebody in one place like that. So I want you to get— here we're talking about business. This is what's really going on. What's the chokehold? Her psychology. It isn't even skill. It's just pure psychology. Because she wants to be in control. By the way, some of you can't relate to this. You go, "Oh, that— I'm not like that. I have a great relationship." But you're equally committed to control, which is why you're a fucking operator. That's why you're still stressed. Because the only way you're going to be able to grow businesses dynamically, any business, is not being in control. Because once you're in control, you're going to make all the decisions. If somebody makes a mistake, you go crazy, and then you start doing it yourself again. The only way I was able to grow is to go through the pain of— it's like children. They're going to make their own choices, and some aren't going to be great. And they affect you. But that's the only way they're gonna learn. You can teach them, you can share with them, but you gotta get through those stages. And you gotta get better at picking partners or business associates. In your case, maybe partners as well. By the way, who'd she stick with? Everybody she has the sense of control of. Her kids. But there's no man there, 'cause no man wants to be controlled who's masculine. A little feminine guy will. And he doesn't have to be gay to be feminine. Some guys have been nurtured to be feminine. They've been taught by their mothers to please everybody. How many of you ladies in the room can't stand a man who's always trying to please you? Drives you fucking crazy. Make some noise if it's true. Men are confused by this, but if I don't please her, she's pissed. What the fuck? There's a difference, gentlemen, between pleasing a woman and being a pleaser, isn't there, ladies? Right? But she's picked pleasers in the past, and then she ends up resenting them. She's picked people she could control. Your only way out of this is to give up the illusion of control, because you're not, you're not in control of whether you're going to live or die tomorrow. A truck could hit you, something could happen to you, something happened to your business. You have very little control. You have influence. And you can have influence with these new investors. You can influence with new people if you increase your skills and you shift your psychology from control to influence. By the way, that's a little more collaborative, but that's how you grow things.

I'm a partnership model.

Yes, I hear that, but then there's partnership model, then there's reality, what's going inside you. Because the truth is you'd have some partners right now if you thought you could control them. And one of the reasons she wants to cover all their risk is she doesn't want the risk of someone she can't control. And she talks them out because she doesn't really want somebody there she can't control, and she's bringing somebody new in outside the family. Raise your hand if you follow this. So the person running this business shouldn't be the person running this business if you want to grow it. So what do you want to do? Do you want to keep growing the business within the family? Do you want to sell? Why do you want to sell the business or some part of it? You want additional capital to grow?

I want to be huge. And so I want to bring it— I want to be huge.

Huge.

Huge.

I feel like I'm talking to Donald Trump. What the hell is this?

Yes.

I want to be huge.

I want to be huge.

I want to be huge. Why do you want to be huge? What need is driving that? Quick. Nothing wrong with that, but it's good to know what it is. She wants certainty and significance together. They don't go together. Only in the mind. In reality, to do something huge, you got to let go of your certainty and take some significant what? Risks. And they don't all work out. But if your certainty is, it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out, I'll do something else. I'll find another way. Then you can have enough certainty to take those risks to do something significant. But she's trying to keep one foot on first base while she gets to third. You can't do that. You gotta let go of first base to get to third, much less make it home and score. Mixed metaphor, but you get the idea. Mixed metaphor for her, right? So the question is, what needs to happen here? How many of you know what needs to happen here? Raise your hand if you think you know what needs to happen here. Raise your hand. Oh gosh, more of you know than that. You should trust yourself. What needs to happen here? What do you really want? You want to be huge. So what will happen when you're huge? When you're huge, what will happen?

I will feel validated enough to share my message with the world. Which is what I've been trying to do.

I see. No, you won't. Because the same doubts you have now will happen when you're huge. Because you have a habit of thinking that keeps showing up. And that habit is, I'm alone. Then you'll be huge and alone. Aren't you huge now compared to what you used to be? Think about where you started. Tell me where you started.

Yeah.

Yeah, what?

I started at like $10,000 a year in sales.

Yes. And what are they now?

Over $3 million.

Give her a hand, ladies and gentlemen. That's amazing. And $3 million puts her in the top 5% of all businesses on the face of the earth. Plus she's doing it with her family that she loves. But it's not enough. Don't get me wrong, I like doing things huge too. But the difference is I'm doing it because I want to have a huge impact. Not because I want to be huge. I'm already fucking huge. Look at me. Right? So I didn't need to work on that one, I guess. The difference is you're doing it for significance, but significance, when you get there, it's never enough. How many found no matter how much you get, you want more? Let me see your hands. So the reason you want more is because we're meant to grow. If you were got satisfied, you'd stop growing. And when you grow, you have something more to give. And what makes your life meaningful is giving beyond yourself. There's only so much joy you can hold in yourself from food or alcohol or drugs or sex or success or business or growing. There's only so much you can feel by yourself. If you want to trust this, if you want to know, like people say, you know, I'm selfish, you're selfish. I've been selfish, you've been selfish, but that's not our nature. I'll prove it to you. When you have a great experience that really lights you up, what's the first thing you want to do? Yes, sir. With who? People you love.

Why?

Because our nature is to grow and give, because as we grow and give, it makes it bigger for us too. We feel more alive. So if she's being huge so there's more to give and grow, that's different. But she's doing it to be validated. She wants to be significant because she doesn't feel significant because the man left her life. She's thinking she can prove to herself and the world that she's significant, then people listen to her. No one's going to listen to you. Unless you got something worth saying. It doesn't matter how huge you are or how small you are, in between you are. You are huge already compared to most businesses. Certainly not compared to Google or Facebook, but that's not what this is. And maybe not to Anheuser-Busch, but they've been around a little longer than you.

So, I do have a message to share.

What is it? We're here. Tell us.

That through love and possibility, everything is possible.

Mm.

And that partnerships are more important than anything.

I see, but you're not doing that.

I always thought I was. And my model is a cause marketing model in one of the most lucrative industries on the planet. I'm an ordained minister running distilleries, and I don't drink.

That's interesting.

So now it gets hard to explain to investors.

Come back to your message. So you're not really doing partnerships and that's your message. So no one's listening, not because of the size of your business, but because you aren't doing that. And you're not doing that because you want to be in—

not in control, but my—

not in control?

No, no. No, that's not why I'm not—

Yes.

No, my model is partnership. So every brand that I launch is a partnership model, and we bring in lots of people on a particular brand. So that's all run as like a mini little business. That's a partnership model. So now it's the umbrella that I'm trying to figure out how to leverage the value of that, whether it's franchising or selling off brands.

You can make a decision, try any of those. What is getting in the way?

"I'm afraid." Of what? "Failing or not being able—" You're afraid of failing.

Let's see a show of hands here. Okay, so that's— we all have that in common, but we're not all stuck. What's the difference? 'Cause it isn't just fear of failure. She's afraid she'll fail if she doesn't have control. Raise your hand if you see this. And she sees it but doesn't want to see it because she doesn't like the way it sounds.

I don't want to let anyone down. I feel responsible.

You don't want to fail and you don't want to be let down by anyone as well because you feel let down by your former partner. Yes. Your former husband.

Yes.

But honey, he had different values than you did, that's for sure.

I learned that at UPW. That's good.

Well, now you know. So he had different values than you. It isn't even that he didn't love you, it's he had different values. You have different values. And so your values have been rewarded up until now. But the same level of thinking, as I said earlier, that got you where you are is not going to get you where you want to go. That's why you're stuck. You're trying to use the same level of thinking. You're trying to let your wounds drive you instead of the opportunity drive you. If the opportunity was driving you, you'd join— you'd find those partnerships, you negotiate those deals, you'd have certainty, you make it happen. You know how. You have to let go of what the fuck happened with this man. It's over. It's been over for a while. You gotta stop the story and feeling sorry for yourself about doing this alone. You chose all this shit. You chose him. True? True. And you chose him because you could control him, you thought.

No, actually, he was controlling me.

You say that now, but you've done everything truly that you wanted to do. You said you did it for him. Yes. You did it because you wanted love. Yes. You thought if you succeeded enough, he would love you more. Yes. And you succeeded more and he didn't love you more. Yes. Because in order to succeed, you became masculine and he didn't have polarity with you.

He wanted control.

He wanted control. So you guys fought over control and that's what your relationship became about. And now he's gone because he probably found somebody that he could control or that made him feel like he was in control. You don't. So now you're trying to bring partners in with the same mentality. I don't want to go any longer in this because I'm only going long enough that everyone get value. How many are getting value for this, for you at this stage? And you can see some relationship, even though it may not be about an intimate relationship, How many of you overvalue control right now in your business and it's a chokehold? Let me see your hands. So it's been worthwhile to have this discussion up until now. I don't want to go much longer because it's starting to get circular unless you want to make a shift. Let me help all of you show you what's missing for her right now. If you're going to have a transformation, there's a chemistry I've learned in a transformation. There's a few elements, jot them down right now, because if you're not there yet, you're missing one of these. So here's what I'm looking for. The first thing that starts to create the chemistry of a real a huge breakthrough, of a huge transformation, is satiation. Satiation means that it's not that anything's wrong, right, David? It's that things are going really well, but they've been going well for a while in a similar way. And so now, even though it's good, it's— you're kind of satiated. It doesn't reward you at the same level. There's still rewards, but not at the same level. It's like if your favorite meal was steak and lobster and you had it every day, 3 times a day, for 3 months, You know, it's still a great meal, but you're gonna get satiated. You're gonna go, "Fuck! This is good shit I'm having. Why am I not enjoying it?" 'Cause you're satiated. And the reason you get satiated is life, the universe, God, whichever you prefer, is calling you to grow. That's the whole purpose. Business is a spiritual game. I hope you get this. It's designed to make you grow. There is no better game that I know of to make you have to grow because there's immediate feedback. Lots of people say, "I'm gonna grow spiritually," and they go to a cave and they meditate and shit. Any idiot can make yourself feel good meditating by yourself. Try getting a relationship with humans on a consistent level and keep growing and be in a great place. That takes a lot more spiritual development than sitting by your fucking self and praying. Nothing wrong with sitting and praying. I think it's a beautiful thing. I do it too. But in business, you can't fake it out. Think about it. What are the things people get pissed off about if you talk about? Bodies and money are two things people get pissed off about. 'Cause they're fucking measurable. If I say I'm spiritual, they go, "No, you're not." I go, "Look, you're not spiritual. You don't even feel how spiritual I am." I get to make up what spiritual is in my mind. You can't ever measure it. And if you judge me, you're not being spiritual. So I don't have to grow shit. I just have to tell myself I'm spiritual to feel good, and I don't have to do shit. But inside, I know I'm not growing. How many follow? Right? So nobody likes to talk about things that are measurable. Money is measurable. Business is measurable. Your body's measurable. I can see you're bullshitting me if you're massively overweight. So she's wanting to do things that aren't quite so measurable where she can stay in control and do things that are measurable and win. But satiation is the first step. But you know what? Satiation makes you start to look for a new way because you need to grow. But most people will not grow with satiation alone, and she is satiated with this. She's satiated doing your business the same way. That's why she wants to change. Tell me if I'm right or wrong.

Absolutely.

So, but, and so she's interested, but she's not executing. Is she capable of executing, making progress massively? Yes or no? Could she go out next week and make a deal if she was committed to it? Yes or no? And maybe she doesn't get the valuation she wants, but life doesn't give a fuck what you want. There's a value in the marketplace, and you can make up what you think it is all day long, but she could then have a partner and grow that with them to a much higher valuation and make more than she does by herself and maybe become an owner. But she's not doing it because all she is is satiated. So if you get satiated long enough, it will lead to the second piece of chemistry I look for to help someone transform: dissatisfaction. Now it's not just that you're doing something that's good and you're not feeling as good about it. You're doing the same shit and it doesn't feel good anymore. Now it actually is a little painful. And now you're dissatisfied. This is not enough. And now would the drive be more or less than just satiation? Which one? It would be increased. Now you're gonna have an increased say, I gotta solve this, right? Maybe I'll go to Tony Robbins seminar and then blame him, you know, because I'm dissatisfied. He must be the fucking reason, right? There's got to be something, not me. I don't want to deal with me. Let me deal with something else. But in business, the reason I say it's a spiritual game, I love business because I know it's a spiritual game. It's the most exciting game of all. What's the game of business? Do more for others than Anyone else in your industry? Add more what? Treat your client, love your client like thyself. Does that sound similar? It's like, what do you do? It's the ability to take what you think about and create it in real life by adding value to other people. To me, I don't think if there's anything more spiritual, and the more spiritually developed you are, the faster you can do that. It doesn't hurt, it's just my hand, it's okay. The faster you can do that, you can do it with such intensity 'Cause your mind and your heart are aligned. But when you're not aligned, when you're in this, you know, satiated, dissatisfied, you're kind of looking, you're kind of like dabbling. You're not in the mastery. She wants mastery, but she's not doing what it takes. And if you don't solve it and you keep being dissatisfied, it will lead to a threshold experience. Step 3 is threshold, emotional threshold. Emotional threshold is, if you ever been in a relationship way too long. Who's been in a relationship way too long here? Say "I." You were satiated, you were dissatisfied, you kept saying, "I gotta do something about it," but then you go, "Oh, it'll get better in the future. It was good in the past. I think this will work out." And you rationalize. Who's done this shit before? Raise your hand and say "I." If you don't raise your hand, you lie about other shit too, don't you? Raise your hand and say "I" if you've ever done this. Okay, so you get to a point where one day you go, "It's been painful in the past, it's painful in the present, it's gonna be painful in the future." Fuck this, I'm outta here! And you finally make a move. Who's ever done this before in some area of your life? Say, "I." So the emotional threshold is there's now, it's more than satiation, it's more than dissatisfaction. Now you feel like, "I gotta do something now." Are you there?

I am urgently there.

Yes, I feel like you're there. But here's what's missing. When you get that emotional threshold where change becomes not a should, but an absolute what? Must. When that happens, you'll get an insight. That's the next step. It's a moment of insight. And the insight might be, fuck, it's not my ex-husband, it's me. It's not my clients, it's me. It's not my salespeople, it's me. It's not a lack of cash flow, it's me. It's not enough capital, it's me. It's something I'm fucking doing. And you get the truth. And the truth has the opportunity to set you free. But for the truth to set you free, there's one final piece. When you get the insight, which by the way, have we given her the insight? Has she seen what's true during this discussion? Yes or no? Yes or no? She's seen it. But when that insight happens, there's an opening. And that opening is a little scary because you don't know what's on the other side. But it's an opening. It's a chance for a breakthrough. And what must you do while you're in this state? You gotta jump through that opening even though you're not sure what's on the other side. And that's what she's not doing. She's come all the way to the insight. She knows the truth. But what's happening now? The opening there, we claim her true identity's there, but she wants to stay in what? Control. There's no control to jump through an empty opening that's not on the other side. She's afraid of what's on the other side, so she stays here. And here's what happens. Watch. She just demonstrated it for you if you watched. She waited too long, and now the opening is closing. And once the opening closes, you have to start the whole fucking process all over again, which can take years of dissatisfaction. That's it. First, satiation, dissatisfaction, hit another emotional threshold, get another truth. But if you let fear dominate you, you don't jump through the hole. Now, you know what I used to do with people like her? I used to kick people through the hole. I just pick them up and throw them through it. Whatever it took. And some people around 10 years ago or 20 years ago tell you they saw me do this shit and it worked. But then I'd see them a year or 2 or 3 years later and it worked for 6 months, 9 months, 12 months because I did it. They didn't own it. And so afterwards they'd come up with some story like, well, you know, Tony didn't— he didn't program me properly. He didn't condition me enough. It's a conditioning process to go through this. You have to make yourself do it enough times until you won't hesitate anymore. You'll just do it. And some of you are already there in your business. You've done it multiple times. So we got to figure out what's the next one for you that's in the way, because there's always something in the way if you're not at the level you want to be. And most people, when you get to the level you want to be, there'll be a new level because we want to grow and want to give. That's what makes life meaningful. So the question is, there's a big opening here, but she's wanting absolute— what, my friends? Certainty about what's on the other side before she jumps. And that's why she's what she calls stuck. She's not stuck. She's actually on a treadmill going in circles. Big-ass circles. And then she's mad because she thinks it should be different because she thinks someone else should help her. If she had found the man who had been her partner and done everything the way she wants and busted ass and they had this incredible business that was huge. How big is huge, by the way, so I know? Because you're doing $3 million. What's huge?

$100 million? $100 million.

And when you get to $100 million, what will huge be?

I might be satisfied.

Yeah, total bullshit. How many think that's total bullshit? Let me see your hands. Right now she'd be satisfied, $3 million to $100 million, but then she'll get to $100 million and she'll get satiated. She'll get dissatisfied. She'll be looking at Anheuser-Busch or somebody who's doing multi-billions and she'll go, "We're fucking nothing." And she'll go, "No one's listening to me 'cause I'm not big enough." She thinks if she gets big enough, people listen to you. No, they'll listen to you when you fucking own and live what you're talking about. But you're not doing it. I'm not being critical, but you're not. You can tell me you are because you got these business partnerships when you start something. That is not the message. You said with partnership and love, anything is possible. That's not what you're doing. You're really saying with partnership I can control and love anything's possible. And control and love don't go together, by the way. Who here wants to be controlled by someone you love? Let's see a show of hands. Okay, maybe in moments, sir, I understand, right? But not all the fucking time. They don't go together. Your message is confused because it's not real. So I've taken you all the way to the opening and I'm not going to kick you through. That's your job. I'd be happy to. I used to do it all the time. Makes me look good. I don't want to look good. I want you to have what you deserve. You will not get it if I build the muscle in me. You have to build the muscle in you. My— if I do all the calisthenics here, I get stronger and you get to admire me. I'm not here to be admired. I'm here to have you admire yourself because you've earned it. And you can't earn it because you're not pushing yourself through the hard parts. You're too busy telling yourself the story of what didn't happen the way you thought it should. If the man in her life had done all that shit, she wouldn't be as powerful as she is. True or false? If she had the man she thought she wanted back then, she wouldn't be as strong as she is now. If she can get herself back together, find her center, let her feminine flow as well, and trust her feminine— I think she has to be masculine every moment to be successful. If she could tap into her real source See, the feminine has to trust. I mean, ladies, I have so much respect for you. If you've ever gone on a date, it's insane, because the statistics show the most dangerous thing you can do is be around a male by yourself. They're dangerous fuckers to be around, and you guys have the courage to go out with this crazy fucker you don't even know? That's crazy shit. But not her. She's not doing that. She's keeping it safe. Keeping it close and telling herself she's courageous because she's doing it on her own. She's created a badge of courage for something that isn't something to be a badge for. It was back then, honey, but that's an old story now. You've gone beyond it, except you keep using it. You're using it for significance. You're using it to explain why you're not where you want to be, and you're using it to make yourself feel sorry for yourself because you work so hard you don't really connect with yourself very much unless You're in enough pain. And so now you're creating pain when you don't need it. How long ago did you divorce this man?

In our state, you have to be separated for a full year before they approve it. So it's been about 9 months since he left. Okay.

How long are you gonna mourn this shit before you move on?

I'm at 86% of myself, and that took 9 months. So I was hoping at UPW I was gonna come out 100, But I went from 70 to 86.

I'm glad you're so precise about it. So what does it take for the other 14% to be connected here? Are you a fucking accountant?

What the fuck is this? I am a CPA as well, yeah.

Oh, you're a CPA. It sounds like it. Okay, well, I understand where some of the control comes from now. So if you're 86%, what needs to happen for the 14% to happen now? When would now be a good time, and what would it take?

I'll tell you honestly.

No, lie to me. That's what I love to hear. Yes, honestly.

I want to do something bigger and better on my own than what I even dreamed of doing with Wuzbend. So what is that?

Tell me what that is. But do you understand why she's not making progress? One part of her wants to do it bigger and better on my own. The other part's pissed I'm doing it by myself. So she's being pulled in multiple directions. So she's not able to marshal all her resources because she's not sure who should be in charge of this business. Now, the woman I just spoke to a moment ago, I think that woman could actually run the business. Did you notice the one I was talking to a moment ago here? The woman who was lit up like a Christmas tree? But are you doing that so you can prove to him you didn't need his ass, or are you doing it— what are you doing that for?

I just think that would get me to 100%. I don't think that would be about him. I think that would be about me. So, you know, it's interesting because we talk about all the time being attached.

I thought you did this all yourself anyway, and he was a lazy fuck.

I didn't say that. I said I worked my ass off.

You said you sacrificed everything for him. I did. You did?

I carried the weight. And you have the business and your children in it.

Yes.

And he does not. Correct.

So you did this for you and your family?

Yes. Why is it so painful to say yes? No, I mean, I'm a nurturer, right? I'm a mom, so I protected my kids for sure.

But honey, you did all this for love, and he was the wrong person because you had different values. You didn't do this for him, you did it for love. You hoped if you did all this, he would love you, just like you hope if you're big enough, you'll have love from people and they'll all respond to your voice and message. But they won't, because they all have their own lives.

Before I found out, I was driven by love and significance. After UPWO, I came to understand— No, certainty and significance.

Love is what you want. Yes. If you were driven by love and significance, you'd have another confusing experience. But really—

Certainty and significance. How many follow what we're talking about here?

Raise your hand if you follow. And by the way, certainty and significance are the one— there's nothing wrong with certainty and significance. We all need them. But the sequence makes a difference. If you know the right number, phone numbers to reach somebody on the phone and you dial the wrong sequence, you don't reach them. If you have a vault with all the treasures which she has inside of herself and you try to reach it with the wrong sequence, even though it's the right thoughts, it's not going to happen. You got the wrong sequence.

So I was running on that program and what I came— You still are. Well, no, what I came to realize is what really drives me is growing and giving. Meaning that's what would make you more fulfilled. That's what will make me—

But if that was true, if that was driving you right now, I'm not talking about what you want, I'm talking about what's make— how are you operating? It's not hard to see you're operating because you're operating based on certainty and significance. You want total control, certainty, and you want to be the one who's huge, which is significance. There's nothing wrong with either one of those. It's just that they will never fulfill you. Agreed. In that level. But growth and contribution would. But in order to grow, you still want to have control.

So my hope is that if I got big enough, then when I talk to people about my true mission and my mission statements and my vision and sharing the gospel, that they'll listen to me because—

And what happens if they listen to you? First of all, it's not true. Ah. Because when you get really big, how many people have grown really big and then found people resent you who you loved and you had— you think they're great, but they resent your success or your financial freedom. Who's experienced this already? In fact, the more successful you become, are your chances of being rejected increased or decreased as you become more successful? Which one? In the world we're in today, massively increased. Today, powerlessness is the power. Victimhood is the power in our culture. Unfortunately, it's true. So No, it won't. Then people will resent you. They won't listen to you. The people who listen to you are going to listen to you because they connect with you. It's not going to be because you're huge. Your platform is not going to increase by doing $100 million.

It's a delusion. I said hallucination. Yeah, delusion is a better word. Okay.

Now we're taking a lot of time on this, and again, I'm hesitant. I want to shift gears, but I also, at the same time, there's an opportunity that she could step through. This is your last 190 seconds. That's a little more than 3 minutes. What do you need to do now? What's the truth that could set you free? What have you been not acknowledging? What's the illusion, delusion you need to let go of so you can move forward? Tell me the truth. Tell us the truth. Tell yourself the truth. We don't matter, except it'd be inspiring to see you have the freedom you deserve if you wanted it. But you can't have freedom by hanging on to what you've been hanging on to. How many follow?

I would like to say—

What's the delusion you have to let go of? What's the illusion? You told it multiple times to us, and you know if you have any intelligence it's not true, but you've told yourself the story so long you keep telling it that somehow when you get huge enough you can tell people the gospel of what you believe and they will now listen. Yes. And if that happens, what would you get?

I would feel like I was living my purpose.

And so you're not living your purpose now, living with your family, growing a business, expanding it? That's not your purpose? Your purpose is to have a $100 million business where you tell people what you believe and they listen and comply? I picked this woman randomly. Some of you go, "This is bizarre. Wait till you get to the next person." Your mind will be blown when we get to the truth, because the truth is so far from what most of you are telling your limitations are, it's crazy. And some of you don't even think, it's a waste of my time, my business is fucking crushing it. And it is, until it's not. Seasons change. So it might be good to figure it out now so you can grow without having to have the little glitch in between. So you last 120 seconds and you're on your own after this, which means you're probably gonna have the—

I don't wanna be on my own.

And you're gonna have to start all this over again.

I don't wanna be on my own. That's the thing. I don't want to be on my own. What do you want?

I don't want to be on my own, but I want to be in control. And you know it's true. That's why you laughed. So you don't want to be all by yourself in your intimate relationship or in your business? Both. Which one's the one that's more important to you?

Well, I feel if I was intimately connected, I'd feel supported and then I could do anything.

So the truth is we just need to get you laid on a regular basis and all this shit would go away. So maybe this whole thing is you should be focusing not on your business, but on finding someone to share your life with. And then you wouldn't have all these trapped energies going on. But here's the problem. You can't even have an orgasm and be in control. Ladies, true or false? True. If a woman's trying to be in control, she won't have an orgasm. Now, a man, yeah, you can get that guy to do anything. Women need a reason to make love. Men just need a fucking place. But a woman, if she is trying to be in control, she will not be able to have an orgasm because orgasm is letting go completely. That's female physiology. It's not my perception.

I'm actually good in that department. 9 kids for a reason. That's encouraging.

What's your room number? People might be interested. See, by the way, look up. Look how big she smiles when we talk about this subject. There's a different woman here. Give her a hand. Look at this face over here. Look at this. So we're out of time. So I'm gonna offer you to tell me the 3 things you need to do to change it all, now. And they're not the things you want to tell me, they're the things that are true. So if what you want is to not be alone anymore, that's kind of a hard thing because you're focused on what you don't want instead of what you do want. And the more you focus on what you don't want, wherever focus goes, energy what? [FOREIGN LANGUAGE] So what do you want? You keep telling us what you don't want.

I want to invite people to be my partners.

No, no, no, stop going to the business. Why did you go to the business? Why do most people spend more time in their business than in their intimate relationship? Because they feel more in, in the business. In an intimate relationship with someone who's of the opposite sex or same sex but opposite energy, because that's what attracts you, they're like another species. So you're not in control there. You can do it. Guys, how many of you have done things you thought you did everything right and she's pissed and you've done nothing? Gentlemen, make some noise if you've ever had this experience. Go! You don't have to do anything. She can get pissed and then, by the way, she gets happy you did nothing, but you forget that. You think it's all you. I made her fucking happy. It was me. So instead of going for what you control, let's talk about for 2 minutes, that's all we got left. This is it. No more time distortion. Tell me what you want in your intimate relationship, 'cause that's what's fucking it up. You're good at orgasm, I hear. Yes. Awesome, you're on your way.

I want to trust somebody.

Ah, there you go. Pretty hard to have a partner with no trust. In order to trust someone, what do you have to do to be able to trust someone? This is a pretty important question for all of you to answer. To trust someone— by the way, in business you need two things: trust and respect. Jot them down. If they're not there, the business is hurting. If you look at your organization and it's not growing you want, there are people in the organization that don't trust each other or they don't respect each other or both. When trust and respect are there, something interesting happens. Energy goes outward to serve customers. When there isn't trust and respect, the energy is internally amongst people being pissed or frustrated or positioning. There's only so much E. The ultimate E in business is energy. It's either going for external marketing to support clients, or it's going to internal marketing to resolve all the influxes of problems where people don't respect and don't trust each other. If your business is not growing, I don't care what you think, I can promise you There's a lack of trust and respect. So if you want to be able to trust someone, someone tell me, you tell me, what has to happen for you to be able to trust somebody? Anyone tell me, what do you got to do to trust someone? Raise your hand, tell me, what do you got to do? Yes, sir. You got to respect them. What do you got to do to be able to respect them? That's just his model. It's not actually accurate. Could you trust an enemy? Is there a situation which you could actually trust someone who's an enemy? Yes. I don't believe in enemies, but if you think of them, yes. Yes, if your needs are aligned, you can trust someone. I agree. But you made a poor choice in the past, you blamed him. You picked somebody whose needs were not aligned with your own. That's part of life. That's not something bad. It's just, that's how you learn. But then you froze because you don't ever want to experience that again. But instead of learning— see, I've done business with people. I remember I did business with somebody nobody on my team trusted, and I said, guys, here's why we can trust them. We're going to set the agreement up this way: when we win, when he— when we win, he wins huge. When we lose, he gets massive pain. And guess what? We had a great 5-year relationship, built things like crazy, because all of our values and needs, all of our interests were aligned. Raise your hand if you follow. That structure has to be there in a business partnership or an intimate one. And then how do you know you can respect somebody? You only respect somebody if they bring something to the table you don't have. If they bring the same thing to your table as you, you might like them, but that doesn't make you respect them. You respect somebody because they bring something to the table.

That is right on point for me.

I know. Thank you for confirming what I already know. But here's the problem. You aren't operating from the very beginning. You're not willing to trust even the beginning of the process. You're wanting it to all be the way you want it up front, and trust and respect are earned. You gotta be able to trust enough to open, but the kind of trust you're calling absolute trust, you get through time with someone. But you aren't even giving it enough time, 'cause you're busy trying to become huge over here, 'cause you think you have control of that. Clearly you don't because you're not fulfilled on the side. See, this is the part that makes it messy. I know this is not probably what you wanted today because I'd love to give you some fucking strategies, which we're going to do, don't worry. They're going to blow your mind. You go, holy fuck, I could fuck up and grow my business 100%. We're going to give you those, but without solving this— and not this because you're different than her, but whatever those internal conflicts are— it won't get implemented, or it'll start to get implemented and then you'll pull back. Who knows what I'm talking about here? Say aye. So, you want a relationship with someone who— I can trust and respect.

Who would that be?

Let's call it a man for starters. You said you want a man. Yes. You could trust and respect. Yes. How do you know?

Well, I definitely would go through making sure our values were aligned. That's great. And I think I would see the signs now. Okay.

Yes, because you have more experience. Yeah. Yeah. Just like business, you have more experience, you make better decisions, right? Yeah. But right now, how much are you working on this plan to find a man you trust and respect and can deepen a relationship with? How much time do you give that?

I just gave up a year to come here.

What do you mean you gave up a year?

I literally said I'm going to commit this year No, but I want you to see her model the world.

I'm sorry, I want to move on, but this is too helpful. Everything in her model is, "I gave up." What kind of fucking bullshit is this? This is martyr bullshit. This is why she's alone. "I gave up." You didn't give anything up.

I'm committing. I'm investing in myself. I'm investing in you. I'm investing in this room.

No, you're not investing in the room. You're not investing in me. You're investing in you. Yeah, this is bullshit. You're investing you only if you believe it's worthwhile, and you're investing in your religion.

You believe it's worth it.

You want to be part of Nashville University?

I'm willing.

So you're going to 3 programs in a year or 2 years. That's not giving up your year.

Poor choice of words.

No, no, no. You always choose those words in the interactions I've had with you so far. Everything is what you give up. That's why you're alone. That's the most selfish way to look at life. I'm not saying you're a selfish person because I don't believe you are. I believe you're a really giving person, but you've come up with this story so you could feel in control. And the best way to control is I'm giving everything. I'm the one. That's significance. That's not love. Raise your hand if you follow this. So you're giving up, and no one wants to be around somebody who's constantly being told how much you gave up. Fuck you. I don't need you to be here. Go. I'll give you money back right now. I don't need a penny from you. If you think you're investing in me, you're fucking mistaken. I'm here because I choose to serve. I don't need to do a fucking thing the rest of my life for money, but this is what lights me up, is to see people have a breakthrough. That's why I'm still talking to you after all this time, because I really want you to have it, but I'm not going to force it. That's the difference. That's the only difference here. Can you see the pattern? How many can see the pattern of everything is I've given something up? How can you possibly be happy in your life when everything's a sacrifice? You won't be happy but you'll feel validated and significant. This is bullshit. You've done what you want to do. You came here because you want this for you. You didn't want it for the people in this room. You don't even fucking know them. You're not invested in this room, and you don't even know me. You believe I can help you, and you are right, but you have to do the work. I won't do the work for you because it won't last. I'd love to. Part of me would just love to. I love being a hero, don't you guys? But rather than be a hero, I'd like to see you actually have long-term success. That's the sweetest way I can put that. Do you see the pattern? Yes. What do you see? Tell me what you see.

I see, um, I see suffering. Some— Yes. Feel victimized or martyred. Yes, you feel victimized.

Suffering. But who's doing the victimization?

No, no, I don't— I'm saying I don't believe I'm a victim. I'm too— But you talk that way. I feel I'm suffering.

Suffering comes from focusing on who? When someone says, oh no, I'm suffering because my kids aren't doing well in school or they're on drugs or something. I'm suffering because I'm worried about them. No. The reason you're suffering is you think you have failed your kids. Otherwise, you'd just be focused on the solution. The suffering is you think, "I fucked up. I didn't do it. It's about me." The only time you suffer is when you focus on you, what you're not getting, what you're not receiving, what you're not experiencing. Which is why I love business, because business makes you, if you're successful, have to focus on those you're serving if you're going to be successful. And when you're serving others, you're not thinking about yourself, and you're lit up, and spirit is coming through you. Instead of the fucking mind that's always trying to figure out how do I make myself get what I want, look good, feel good in the moment. That's not business. Business is how do I make you get what you deserve. And then you're not selfish, and so you're free of your own fucking mind, and your heart and spirit is what's running you. And that's why business is a spiritual game for those that are successful. Those that fail, your business is a fucking pain. And that's why I don't want you to stay operators, my friends, because to stay an operator, you got to focus on yourself. 'Cause you're worried about your sense of control. If you can let loose of that, just even for a little bit, and focus on serving the client, focus on serving your internal associates and partners and your employees, and get juiced about that, you won't be thinking about you, and all of a sudden, shit will flow. Good stuff will flow. You'll see a transformation. You'll build a culture, 'cause that's what you need. You need a culture. A culture does well when you're not there. People don't say, in the early days of my business, everybody said, what does Tony think? What would Tony say? People don't ask anymore. They go, what is right? Because they know what— we know what I value and what the company values is what's right. I want people to do what's right. Make your own fucking choices. You don't need to come to Tony. And all of a sudden I got businesses growing and I began to have more reach and more impact because I gave up control. I still have influence and I choose where to put that influence where I can have the most impact. But then I look for people that are better than me in some area. Who can also influence. And now you have a real business instead of a job you call a business. You're no longer just self-employed, you really are an owner. Owners could leave for a month. The company that you are part of to pay part of this seminar is Robbins Research. That's one of my 54 companies. I've been there twice in the last year. I've probably been there 6 times in the last 3 years. And the company has grown 20% compounded per year for 10 straight years. How is that happening? Because I built a great team, we have a great culture, and that doesn't mean we don't make mistakes or mess up, but we catch them, we solve it, we go for the next level, we keep on growing. And I'm going to show you precisely how I've done that the next few days. I'm going to show you how to do it with your business with precision, but none of that shit will work till we get through this bullshit. And you have your own version if you're not— if you're honest with yourself, we all do. And even if you're highly sophisticated in your business and going great, The next level is going to take a different level of thinking. So it might, might be less gross distinction, might be a more simple, refined distinction. But that little 10-degree shift you make, take it out a month from now, 6 months from now, a year from now, it's a different destination. It's a different destiny. It's a different level of success or failure. How many follow? Say aye. It's the level of thinking. So what you want is a relationship with a man you can trust and respect. We're out of time. How are you going to do that? How much time do you spend on that now? That was my question before you told me you invested in everybody in this room and you invested in me and you sacrificed a whole year of your fucking life and all this bullshit fucking stories.

I'm investing the time because I'm surrounding myself with great people.

Wait, then you didn't sacrifice anything.

You haven't sacrificed a year. No, you're right. I committed, invested. I said—

Well, why do you keep using that term? Because you've used it around him, you've used it around the business, you've used it around your kids, you've used it around me.

Yeah, I'm 37. It's just training in the world. But I did have a distinction just now. Tell me. And this is perfectly ironically suited because I'm in the business of Disruptive Spirits, where all I do is serve people. And what you just said is we need to disrupt our spirit and learn to serve. And I'm like, wait a minute, I'm in Disruptive Spirits and all day long I serve.

So let's bring it back to you instead of what's fun out there. How much time are you spending on finding this man that's so important to you? How many hours a day, a week, a month?

Just tell me the truth. I am spending time. Really, tell me, how much time? Every, I go to the dating sites. I hired a personal finder, whatever you call those. Personal finder. Matchmakers. Matchmaker. Yes. I go on a lot of dates.

How many dates you've been on in the last 9 months?

Oh, I go on a lot of dates.

How many have you gone in the last 9 months?

No, like breakfast, lunch, dinner. How many? 4 times a week. No, I'm doing that work. 4 times a week? Yes.

And you're going to people that people have pointed you in the direction of?

Yeah, people bring people.

And what happens when you get to these dates?

Watch this. Shh. I haven't.

4 times a week you're going on dates, and what happens?

I have a great time. I love people. Okay. And? I feel like I haven't met anybody that's, um, at my— could have an understanding of what I'm doing.

How could they have an understanding of what you're doing when they've not been around you long enough to know that?

I'm just saying that the people that so far I've met haven't, like, intollerate entrepreneurs and like, "Oh, that was a bad match," that kind of thing. I see. Yeah. So what needs to change? I need a better dating pool for sure. No.

What if I were to tell you that you're busy judging other people because you're so afraid to lose control that it's impossible to get to a point of any intimacy because you're making judgments before you can get there because you don't want to be vulnerable 'cause you're afraid that vulnerability leads to pain. And so then you take, you say, "I'm doing it," 'cause you're trying, but you don't really give your all because you're still keeping in reserve. And then you go to work on the business because you're more comfortable there, but then you're frustrated there 'cause to grow that piece, you gotta be in partnership with people that don't agree with everything you're saying, and so you're not in control there. So now you call it stuck, and that's the whole fucking story in 1 minute. <LYRICS>And I wonder where they fall off.</LYRICS> So I'm gonna be done here. Until you are willing to tell yourself the truth that I'm not in control and I need to open up and be fucking scared as shit and be vulnerable as hell, there'll be no progress in your personal life and very little in your business life.

I'm there.

And when you get to $100 million, assuming you got there, you will still have the same fucking problems, but you won't get the $100 million trying to control everything. So what will you do now on the business side? Tell me 3 things and we're done. What are you going to do so this conversation led to something productive?

Yes, I am going to, um, tighten up my plan and my ask. Okay. I'm going to meet with a lot of investors. Yes. I'm going to sing my story. What's the multiple you're looking for? At least 10. Oh, for the investors?

What, you're selling them some part of your business for a multiple, I assume? Is that right?

Yes. Yes. What's the multiple? Probably 10 times.

Okay. Is that aggressive for the size of business you're in? Yeah. What's the tempo of growth you have? How much have you grown the last 10 years per year, annualized?

The last 2 and a half years I've been— 3, almost 3 years, been exactly the same, but it's 'cause I can't open up additional markets.

You will never get a 10 times multiple unless somebody's stupid. 'Cause what is a multiple based on, ladies and gentlemen, those who know that? If you're gonna sell a business, you sell on a multiple of your earnings or your gross. Depends on the industry. It's the industry. If it's a highly scalable business, if it's software, you might be able to get a multiple of your growth. I remember when Marc Benioff, you know, his business was doing $100 million, mine was doing $200 million, and he was getting valuations like beyond anything I ever dreamed of because mine was based on earnings, it was based on revenues. Raise your hand if you follow. And what determines is the pace of growth in industry. So scalable business like that, you might be able to do out of revenues. Most businesses on earnings, but a small business with $3 million gross that's been at the same numbers for multiple years, they don't give a fuck what your story is. You aren't gonna get it.

It is the industry, I promise. It's about sustainability and managing a shelf space.

I understand, but you're not getting it for a reason.

That's why I was just biding the time by myself. It's a timing issue in my industry.

Okay. Because you're not meeting the needs of investors. If you're meeting the needs of investors, you'd have their money. Raise your hand if you follow this. You are not meeting their needs. You're trying to meet your needs, not theirs. What if you could get someone who would give you 6.5 times multiple, but you believe they really were intelligent and brought things to the business you didn't see and could help you grow it?

Abs, I would go 2 times multiple for a strategic partner.

Great, then that's what you should do. Stop this 10 times discussion. It doesn't make any fucking sense for where you are, or you're gonna have to wait years until you can show an actual growth pattern that's dynamic. And that means you're going to be alone for more years. Is that what you want?

No, I want to sell one brand this year.

A better multiple for the investors that fulfills their needs and make sure it's an investor that can give you more value so that you grow the business to a higher multiple at some point where you could sell part of it then and have a bigger return. You're wanting everything now without doing the work. You've done the work to set it up and not the work that meets their needs. Same thing is true with the men you're meeting. You're focused on your needs. You didn't tell me anything about their needs. When I asked you the questions, you never said— you told me about what they weren't doing for you. They don't understand me. You don't understand what I mean. How would they? There's not enough time. You didn't say anything about what their needs were and whether you could meet them or not. Your mistake, and I'm done, is you're focused on you. And you're not a selfish person. I know you're a good human being, but you are operating from a place that is so selfish because you're using significance and certainty, and those things make you selfish when they're the top. That is your only reason for failing, and you are failing right now. Failing to meet your desires, your deepest desires, which is love and growth. And you're not going to have either one of those if you hang on to this. I'm done with the conversation. Thank you for your time. Give her a hand.