Why Do I Keep Reacting This Way? | Fear, Triggers & Survival Responses

Welcome to the Rewired for Purpose podcast, where faith meets neuroscience, healing meets identity, and women rise into the fullness of who God created them to be. This is the place where you will learn how to turn your pain into purpose. I'm your host, Rosangela Atte, certified Christian life and brain coach, prophetic voice, mentor, wife, mother, grandmother, and a woman on a mission to help you renew your mind, regulate your nervous system, and break free from the lies that have kept you stuck. My heart is to empower you to walk in your God-given identity and discover your purpose. Welcome back, beautiful friend, to Season 2, Episode 2 of the Rewired for Purpose Podcast. In the first episode, we began the season by talking about shame, that painful emotion that doesn't just tell us I did something wrong, But whispers, there is something wrong with me. Today I want to talk about another powerful emotion, one that can quietly influence our thoughts, decisions, relationships, bodies, and even the way we respond to God, which is fear. Fear is one of the most basic human emotions. It was designed to alert us to danger and help us respond when something threatens us. So fear itself is not the enemy. If we are standing in the middle of the road and a car is coming towards us, we want our brains and body to recognize the danger. Our heart beats faster, our muscles prepare to move, and we get out of the way. That response can protect your life. The problem is that our brain and nervous system can also learn fear. They can begin responding not only to what is dangerous but to what reminds us of something that was painful. threatening, rejecting, humiliating, unpredictable, or unsafe in the past. And this is where fear can begin influencing our lives without us even realizing it. Sometimes fear doesn't feel like fear. Sometimes fear looks like control. It can look like perfectionism. It looks like people-pleasing, procrastination. It looks like anger or defensiveness. Sometimes it looks like overthinking everything. Sometimes it looks like shutting down, and it can look like I don't need anybody. And sometimes it even looks like wisdom. We can say, I'm just being careful, but underneath it, we may actually be afraid. And this is why today I want to answer a question I hear from so many women and one I have had to ask myself. Why do I keep reacting this way? Why do I get defensive when someone corrects me? Why do I shut down when there is conflict? And why do I immediately assume someone is upset with me? How many of us have thought that? Why do I overexplain myself? Why can't I say no without feeling guilty? And why do I procrastinate on the very things I know God has called me to do? We can panic when we feel rejected, and we can become controlling when we feel uncertain. We can sometimes react to what is happening today as though we are still living in what happened yesterday, because sometimes what we call a personality trait or a bad habit or even a character flaw is actually a protective response that developed around fear. And if we only try to change the behavior without understanding the fear underneath it, we may spend years cutting fruit off a tree while leaving the root untouched. So today we're going to go beneath the behavior. We're going to look at fear through the lens of scripture, brain, and the nervous system. We're going to talk about what happens when fear becomes learned and how it can create protective patterns like fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, and how our beliefs can reinforce those patterns. And most importantly, how God can teach us to live from truth, trust, and safety instead of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 tells us, for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Fear may explain some of the ways you learn to protect yourself, but fear does not have to continue leading your Maybe you have asked yourself, why do I keep reacting like this? Why do I get defensive? Why do I shut down? Why do I always assume the worst? And why do I sabotage opportunities that I actually prayed for? And then, because we are Christians, sometimes we add condemnation. I should know better. I should have more faith. I shouldn't feel this way. I should be over this by now. But what if instead of immediately condemning the reaction. We became curious about what is underneath it because the reaction is often not the root but the fruit. If all we ever do is keep cutting the fruit of a tree without dealing with the root system, the fruit will keep growing back. Proverbs 4:23 tells us, above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Everything flows from somewhere. So instead of asking only, how do I stop reacting this way? Begin asking, what is this reaction connected to? What happened? What did I believe? What did I learn? What am I afraid will happen? What is my body trying to protect me from? What lie am I believing? What truth does God want to establish in that place? Romans 12:2 tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our mind. God is not interested only in the behavior modification. He wants to transform us from the inside out. Our reactions give us information, and sometimes they reveal a needed boundary, sometimes exhaustion, sometimes it reveals fear, sometimes it reveals an old wound that has not been healed yet. Sometimes it reveals a false belief or an expectation or a nervous system that has learned to respond quickly to anything resembling a previous threat. That does not mean that every reaction is healthy. Understanding something is not the same as excusing it. If it hurts someone because I was triggered, I'm still responsible for what I did and for the consequences. But responsibility and condemnations are not the same thing. Instead of, what's wrong with me? Ask, Lord, what is underneath this? What are you trying to tell me? What are you trying to teach me? What have I believed that makes this situation feel so threatening? This is a total different conversation. You see, our brains are constantly using past experiences to help interpret what is happening in the present. It looks for patterns and it learns associations. It remembers what has previously been connected to danger, rejection, embarrassment, abandonment, pain, conflict. And when something in the present resembles something from the past, even remotely, your brain and nervous system can respond incredibly quickly, sometimes before you even consciously thought through what is happening. It all happens on a subconscious level. This is one reason a small event can create a surprisingly large emotional response. Maybe your husband says, we need to talk. 3 words and suddenly your stomach tightens, your heart begins to beat fast, your mind starts racing, and you think, what did I do? Why is he upset? What's gonna happen now? He may simply want to talk about buying a new barbecue or something, and your nervous system has already begun interpreting it. The brain does not just respond to what is happening, it responds according to what it has learned things Me. 2 people can experience the same situation and respond completely differently. Someone does not text you back. One person thinks they're probably busy. Another one thinks, I did something wrong. And another one can think, they don't care about me. Another gets angry. Fine, I won't text them back. And another one sends 5 messages trying to repair a relationship that has not even been damaged. Same event, different interpretations, different emotional responses, different behavior. Between what happened and how we respond, there was often a meaning attached to it, and the meaning is connected to what we believe, what we learn. And this is why renewing the mind matters so deeply. Feelings are real, but they're not always the final authority. They're not always the truth. An emotion can be completely real without the interpretation underneath it being completely true. You can genuinely feel rejected without actually being rejected. You can feel unsafe while being physically safe. You can feel unwanted while being deeply loved. You can feel like a failure while actually being in a season of growth. Feelings are real experiences and we should not shame or suppress them, but feelings are not always reliable evidence of the truth. We can honor what we feel without allowing it to control us. Jesus said, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. Not your fear, not your history, not somebody else's opinion, not the voice of rejection, not shame, or the conclusions you formed when you were 8 years old. The truth. Maybe some of us grew up in a home where we never knew what mood somebody was going to be in, so we learned to read the room, listen for footsteps, Watched facial expressions, you noticed the tone, you become extremely sensitive to changes in people's emotions. As a child, that may have helped you navigate your environment, but now you're an adult and you walk into a room and immediately begin scanning. Is she upset? Did I say something? Why did his tone change? Why is she quiet? And before you know it, you're managing everybody else's emotional state. You may call it being caring, having discernment, but sometimes underneath the care there is fear and insecurity. And somewhere along the way you may have learned, if everybody around me is okay, then I'm okay. When peace depends on everybody else being happy, that becomes exhausting. Many behaviors we dislike about ourselves may have begun as attempts to protect ourselves. People pleasing can protect us from rejection. Perfectionism can protect us from criticism. Hyper-independence can protect us from disappointment. Control can protect us from uncertainty. Isolation can protect us from betrayal. And overachievement can protect us from feeling insignificant. Shutting down can protect us from conflicts. And overexplaining can protect us from being misunderstood. Procrastinating can sometimes protect us from the possibility of failure. Self-sabotage can protect us from being vulnerable. The patterns may once have served a purpose, but eventually protection can become a prison. The thing that helped you survive one season can keep you from fully living in the next one. Jesus said in John 10:10, I have come that they may have life and have it To the full. Fear doesn't always look like trembling or panic. Sometimes it moves through protective responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And fight might look like anger, defensiveness, arguing, controlling, being critical, or needing to prove your point. Flight might look like escaping, avoiding, overworking, staying constantly busy, leaving difficult conversations, or emotionally running away. Freeze might look like shutting down, Going blank, feeling stuck, procrastinating, disconnecting, or being unable to make a decision. Fawn can look like people pleasing, appeasing, saying yes when you mean no, abandoning your own needs, or trying to keep everybody happy so you can feel safe. Don't hear this and think, "Great, I do three of those. I'm a mess." Instead, ask Lord, show me what I learned to do. When I feel threatened. Curiosity opens doors that condemnation keeps closed. Think about Peter when Jesus is arrested. The situation becomes threatening and Peter pulls out a sword and cuts off the ear of the high priest's servant. Peter goes into fight mode, but Jesus heals the man's ear and tells Peter to put away the sword. Sometimes Jesus is saying to us, you don't need that sword anymore. Not a physical one. The sword of defensiveness, the sword of control, the sword of anger, the sword of shutting down, the sword of isolating yourself, the sword of hyper-independence, the sword of proving yourself, people pleasing, running away. Those things may have made you feel protected, but Jesus is teaching you another way to live, a way to live free. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 says, That we demolish arguments and take thoughts captive to make them obedient to Christ. A stronghold is not just a negative thought that crosses our mind one afternoon. It can become an established pattern of thinking, something believed, rehearsed, reinforced, and eventually built into behavior. Maybe the stronghold says, people always leave me, so distance creates panic. Maybe it says, I have to earn love, So you overgive. Maybe it says, if I make a mistake, people will reject me. So you become a perfectionist. Maybe it says, nobody will take care of me. So you become hyper-independent. Maybe it says, my needs are a burden. So you never ask for help. Maybe it says, if I don't control everything, everything's gonna fall apart. So surrender feels terrifying. Maybe it says, I am too much. So you shrink. Or I am not enough, so you spend your life proving yourself. These beliefs become lenses, and when we look through a distorted lens long enough, distortion can begin to look like our normal. Here's a question I want you to sit with: why are you constantly trying to prove that you are worthy, smart, successful, spiritual, that you are needed, that you're a good mother, a good wife, that you are a great housewife, that you can handle everything? That people were wrong about you, that you belong, that you are lovable. Sometimes what we are desperately trying to prove reveals what we fear is not true, and that can expose a belief that God wants to heal. When your identity becomes secure in him, you do not have to spend your entire life auditioning for a position he has already given you. You are his beloved daughter. Let's look at Jesus. He was misunderstood, rejected, criticized, accused, and abandoned. People praised him one moment and rejected him the next. Yet Jesus knew who he was. Before his public ministry began, the Father declared that Jesus was his beloved Son and that he was pleased with him. And this means that identity came before we proved ourselves. Beloved before miracles. Beloved before manifestation. Sonship before ministry. Some of us are trying to achieve our way into something Jesus has already made available to us, which is belonging, acceptance, identity, and love. Sometimes our mind knows something that our body has not learned to trust. Your mind says, I'm safe, but your shoulders are tense, your jaw is clenched, your breathing is shallow, your stomach is tight, And you cannot relax. Or your mind says, this person isn't my father, but criticism still feels devastating. This isn't my old marriage, but disagreement still feels like abandonment. This isn't my childhood, but somebody's anger still makes you want to disappear. This isn't that church, but spiritual authority still makes your body brace itself. Your body may be responding to today through a memory of yesterday. And this is why healing involves more than simply telling ourselves to stop feeling. God invites us to bring our whole selves into His presence— our thoughts, our emotions, our memories, our bodies, our fears, our beliefs, and our wounds. Psalm 139 gives us the prayer: Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. Lord, show me what is happening inside of me. And why? One of the most powerful skills that we can develop is learning to create space between the trigger and the reaction. Something happens, our body responds, an emotion rises. Normally the old pattern takes over immediately. Trigger, reaction. But healing begins by creating space. Trigger, pause, notice, breathe, pray, examine, choose, and respond. That pause is powerful because you are teaching your brain and your body, I do not have to automatically follow the old pathway. Because renewal requires repetition, we repeatedly bring our thoughts back under the truth. We take our thoughts captive. The next time you notice a strong reaction, don't immediately shame yourself. Pause, take a slow breath, become aware of what is happening in your body, of your physiological reaction. Then ask yourself, What actually happened? Not what you fear or think happened. What actually happened? What am I feeling? Am I afraid? Am I angry? Do I feel rejected, embarrassed, powerless, ignored, unimportant? What am I believing right now? Is it, she doesn't respect me, I'm gonna be abandoned, I have to fix this, I'm failing, they don't want me, I'm not safe, I have to defend myself? Where have I felt this before? And you may discover that the intensity of today's reaction is not completely about today. What is actually true? Ask yourself. And finally, ask Holy Spirit, how do you want me to respond? That is true renewal. That is learning to respond instead of simply react. Awareness is the first step. It matters. Not so we can become obsessed with ourselves and everything we feel. Not so everything becomes trauma. But we examine, and not so we spend our lives digging through the past, but we examine the root so that we can surrender it. David prayed, search me. That takes courage. Sometimes God may show us, you're not just being helpful, you're afraid of rejection. You're not being independent, you do not trust people. And you're not just a perfectionist, you believe that mistakes make you less worthy. You're not trying to keep the peace, You're afraid of conflict. You're not just waiting; you're terrified of failing, and you're not trying to protect your heart. You're keeping everyone out. And these revelations are not so that we feel condemned, but they're an invitation from God that reveal what He intends to heal. Maybe you have prayed, healed, forgiven, let go, renewed your mind, and suddenly an old reaction comes flying back. And immediately you think, I thought I dealt with this. I thought I was over this. How can I go backwards? Why am I back at square one? And one reaction does not erase your progress. Healing is not proven by never being triggered again. Sometimes healing looks like recognizing the trigger faster, recovering faster, repairing faster, and choosing differently, and having compassion for yourself while still taking responsibility. Maybe it only takes you 3 days to recover and to get over it when it used to take you 3 weeks. That's improvement. That's growth. That is not something to take lightly. A regulated nervous system does not mean that you never feel fear, anger, sadness, or grief. Jesus experienced all these deep emotions. He wept. He grieved. He expressed anger. He experienced anguish. And emotional health is not the absence of emotions. That is being unemotional, being shut down. But emotional health is developing the capacity to experience emotion without automatically being ruled by them. You can say, I feel afraid, but fear does not get to make this decision. I feel rejected, but I will not automatically agree with the rejection. I feel angry, but anger will not control my mouth or my action. I feel overwhelmed, so I'm going to slow down before I respond. That is maturity. Galatians 5:22-23 includes self-control among the fruits of the Spirit. Self-control is not an emotional suppression. It is not pretending. It's not stuffing everything down and calling it faith. Spirit-led self-control means Your emotion can speak, but it does not get the throne. It does not get to rule over you. Truth gets the final word. Maybe you spent years asking, what is wrong with me? Now replace that question with, what happened here? What did I learn? What have I believed? What am I protecting? What am I afraid of? What does my body expect to happen? What lie am I agreeing with? What does God say is true? And who am I becoming now? You're not condemned to repeat every pattern you learned. Your history can explain you without defining you. Your mind can be renewed. Strongholds can come down. We demolish them. Hallelujah! Beliefs can change. Relationships can change. Our responses can change, not through striving to become worthy, But through surrendering yourself again and again to the transforming work and power of God. Before we finish, think about one reaction that keeps showing up in your life. Don't pick 10, just think of one. Maybe it's defensiveness, people pleasing, anger, withdrawal, control. Maybe it's overthinking or a fear of rejection, perfectionism, procrastination, shutting down, overexplaining. Hyper-independence, fear of being judged, and ask, what am I trying to protect? Then ask, what do I believe would happen if I stop doing this? And maybe you'll hear, if I stop pleasing people, they won't love me. If I stop controlling everything, something terrible will happen. If I let people close, they will hurt me. If I stop proving myself, nobody will notice me. If I make a mistake, people will think less of me. Or, if I say what I really need, I'll become a burden. This is where we begin, not only with the behavior but with the belief underneath it, because when the belief changes, the behavior no longer has the same job to do. Only by changing the root, we can change the fruit. Hallelujah! And only with the help of the Holy Spirit, we can uncover the roots of our dysfunction. Eventually changing the fruit by actively meditating on the Word of God, reframing our thoughts, and focusing on the truth of what He says about us. Let's pray. Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus. Father, I thank you for every woman listening today. Thank you that you know her completely. You know every experience she had to walk through, every wound, Every disappointment, every moment of rejection, every moment she felt unseen, unheard, unsafe, unwanted, or alone. You know the ways she learned to protect herself. You know the beliefs she formed. You know the places where fear became familiar, Father. Lord, we invite you into those places today, Holy Spirit. Search our hearts, Lord. Reveal the roots beneath our reactions. Show us where we have believed lies. Show us where fear has been making decisions for us. Show us where rejection has shaped our relationships, where shame shaped our identity. Show us where control has replaced trust, where self-protection has become a prison. Lord, give us courage to put down the swords we no longer need. We surrender every false belief, every agreement with rejection, abandonment, unworthiness, and fear. We surrender the belief that we must perform to be loved, that we must control everything to be safe, and that we are alone. We bring our thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. Teach our minds and our bodies what it means to live from the truth. Teach us to pause. Teach us to listen. Teach us to discern. Teach us to respond instead of automatically reacting. Lord, renew our minds Restore our souls. Heal our hearts, Lord. Establish us so deeply in our identity as your daughters that we no longer have to prove what you have already declared: that we are loved, we are chosen, we belong to you, and we are being transformed from glory to glory and faith to faith. In Jesus' name I ask. Amen and amen. Beautiful friend, before you move on with your day, remember this. Your reaction may be telling you where God wants to bring revelation. Do not shame it. Do not worship it. Do not allow it to control you, but examine it. Bring it before God. Ask what is underneath it. Sometimes the behavior you have been desperately trying to stop is only the messenger. The deeper question is, what do I believe that makes this reaction feel necessary? And when God begins changing what you believe, he begins changing how you live. Fear may have taught you how to protect yourself, but it does not get to write the rest of your story. You are learning to live from truth instead of threat, from trust instead of control, and from your identity as a beloved daughter instead of fear. That is what it means to be rewired for purpose. I'll see you in the next episode. Thank you for listening to the Rewired for Purpose podcast. I'm so grateful you spent this time with me today. Remember, you were made for greatness. You were chosen for such a time as this. No matter what season you're in, pressing or blooming, God's purpose for your life is still unfolding, and his joy is your strength. If you're ready to discover your God-given purpose and walk in true healing and freedom, I would love to walk with you and guide you through the process. You can learn more about my coaching and resources at www.theshifthers.com. Coaching.com. Until next time, stay rooted, stay joyful, and keep rewiring your mind for the purpose God designed you for.