In this interview, San Diego Divorce Mediation founder Scott Levin talks with Kelly Myers, a certified divorce coach and advocate from Your Divorce Advocate, about the value of hiring a divorce coach during a separation. Kelly explains that she prefers the title "divorce advocate" but uses "coach" for broader recognition. She advises clients to engage a coach immediately—often before they even tell their spouse—so they can thoughtfully plan how to present the divorce request. The conversation contrasts coaching, which is future‑focused and action‑oriented, with therapy, which often delves into past emotional issues. Both hosts stress that mediation and coaching share a future‑focused mindset, helping parties avoid re‑hashing old grievances and instead negotiate workable agreements. Kelly outlines practical strategies for non‑provocative communication, both verbal and written, to keep discussions fact‑based and reduce emotional escalation. They discuss the importance of assembling a support team—including a mediator, coach, and possibly attorneys—and note that mediation can reduce costs and future conflict by fostering direct communication, whereas attorney‑driven battles can filter and distort messages. Kelly shares her contact information (yourdivorceadvocate.com, Facebook page, phone number) and emphasizes that coaching is a relatively low‑cost investment compared to legal fees, offering significant benefits for a smoother, less stressful divorce process.
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How you doing? This is Scott Levin. I am the founding partner at San Diego Divorce Mediation and Family Law, and I have a dear friend here with me today, Ms. Kelly Myers. She is with Your Divorce Advocate. How you doing, Kelly?
I'm good. How are you?
Oh, I'm doing wonderful.
Thank you.
I have a couple kids around here, so hopefully we can get this in without Too much disruption. But have you ever seen that video where the guy like is in the—
Yes. That'll be me.
Hopefully we go viral. That'd be awesome.
Exactly. Exactly.
So, Kelly, mine— so I've always referred— when I'm referring clients to you, I introduce you as a divorce coach. Is that the right title for you?
It definitely is. I am a coach. I'm a trained coach. However, I actually, I think when I tell people about what I do, I talk about more the advocacy. I really feel like I'm a divorce advocate. But in the world in which I work, divorce coach is a title that more people recognize.
And when do you, like, what sort of, when would you recommend that someone might be in need of your services, whether they know about it or not?
I would say immediately, even before they decide sometimes to tell their spouse that they want a divorce, because there's a lot of preparation that sometimes needs to go into the process. I also recommend that people really are clear on how they want to present this. To their spouse, because how you start and how you present your desire to want a divorce can sometimes set the stage for how things progress from there.
Oh, I couldn't agree with you more. I think that there's a book that I love. I don't know if you've read it. It's How to Get Divorced Without Ruining Your Life.
I have not. I'll have to check that out.
Really good. I refer to it like still, just like open it up. It's by an attorney who went, who transitioned into mediation just like me. So I might be a little biased.
Yeah.
I feel like I could have written this book if I was 20 years, you know, older. I mean, it really is, it just has a lot of gifts in it. But one of the things that they talk about in there is how to present the issues. Because a lot of times, a person that asks for the divorce or brings it up, their spouse is literally floored. And the other person is surprised by that because, like, weren't you feeling the same things I'm feeling? Well, no, that's oftentimes exactly the opposite of what happens.
Right.
And yeah, go on.
Yeah, so, you know, really being clear as to what your feelings are and how you can present this in the most empathetic and kind way. And really, as a coach, I really get people to be thinking about— so often people know, right, how their spouse may react if they really sit and think about it. And so I try to ask the questions that really allows them to do some some soul searching themselves to come up with the answer of how do you think they're really going to react? And usually they know. And then through that process, because they know their spouse the best, they usually can come up with the best way to present this information. It doesn't always go as planned, but the hope is with preparation you can have a better outcome. And do you—
so when you're first starting to work with someone, do you spend a lot of time Focusing on the past and the relationship itself, or are you more like future-focused?
Definitely more future-focused. You know, one of the differentiations between coaching and therapy is coaches really deal with the future, the present and the future, and therapy very often, not always, you know, kind of deals with the past and more emotional issues that That as a coach, I'm really not trained to do. So I, I really try to avoid that. What I tell people is, you know, if you're getting divorced, you're really closing a chapter and you're beginning a new chapter in your life. And so all the time that you spend in the old chapter, you're wasting time, you know, and not able to write your new chapter. So I really try to get people to focus on their future and what they want there.
Well, I think that's why we work so well together, at least, at least our synergy between the clients that I referred and the clients that you have referred. Because, you know, one of the things that I do in mediation is, is we're future-focused.
Right.
Because we know, you know, you're in a mediator's office, we've filed your petition, which means we've opened up your divorce case. So we know all the reasons that we've gotten to this point. There's just not a lot of purpose or any real objective to rehashing them all in my office and not taking that time to spend negotiating and figuring out your next paths. So I think that is kind of why we've always jived really well.
Yeah. And if I can add to that, I think part of the problem when you go through divorce is it is incredibly emotional. experience and situation, right? And, but as you always say, Scott, it really is in many ways a business transaction, right? You have to take the emotion out of it. And you have to— the husband and wife have to come together and fight the problem of divorce. When you— you've said that before, and I just thought it was brilliant because it really is what has to happen. I think often in divorce, people are looking for validation that, you know, Their husband wasn't nice, or the wife didn't do what she should have done, or whatever the issue is. And I think both you and I try to get our clients to understand that that doesn't matter. Particularly in the state of California, it doesn't matter. We just all need to move forward and figure out how do we tackle this problem of divorce while trying to keep everybody emotionally and mentally intact. Particularly if you have children, right? That adds a whole new wrinkle to the whole process.
And one of the things I actually read last night, not in anything related to divorce, I actually was reading it, it was about one of the guys who started one of the big movie studios. I got one of the little kids behind me, sorry.
There we go.
I hold on to that, it'll go away. I'm so big that I take up the whole space so you can't see. But what they were saying is that they never really liked negotiating with agents for the actors because when they were going to be filming, the agents weren't going to be there as intermediaries to communicate between the director and the film production and the actor. There was going to need to be a direct communication at some point. And that's why I often think that mediation, not in every case, but mediation can set you up for success in that because you don't— the goal is not— the goal for getting through your divorce is to have an agreement that is workable so that you never again have to interact with the legal system again.
Yeah.
Because we know that elongates the pain and it really can cost a lot of money. And so the mediation process of having to learn how to speak with this person during the separation, you know, can oftentimes set people up for being able to communicate, you know, post-divorce when their lawyers are not going to be involved anymore if they had gone—
Absolutely. And I would say, you know, even another issue to consider is when, if you choose to go the non-mediation route, you're each hiring attorneys, and they may be really good attorneys, but they're paid to represent you and to kind of, in some ways, go to battle for you, right? And so, is that— just when you look at that setup alone, it doesn't create an opportunity for the two people— who are really trying to construct this agreement to be able to talk to each other. It's almost like, you know, we always talk about social media, right? Or email and texting, that you can't get the gist of what somebody's really trying to say. And I could send a text and 10 different people can interpret it differently, right? Well, when you're filtering communication through attorneys, again, you're not really getting the gist of what the other person is trying to say or do. It's being filtered by a lot of different— different things, the attorney's perspective, how that attorney writes things. There's just a number of different issues there. And so when the reality of it is, is there may be situations in which the two couples, the spouses agree, but because of how the information is being filtered, it's creating a battle that doesn't need to be there. Now, again, as you've said, there are definitely issues. Situations in which that's the route people need to go.
Absolutely.
But if you can avoid it, working with a mediator, you know, hopefully working with a divorce coach, I think we—
Is that you have to surround yourself with a team if you're going to go to mediation.
Exactly.
You have to be calm. You can't give in to every impulse to fight or to be suckered into statements. You know, because you're not set up, you know, there's, there's no legal outlet for you to fight it out, you know, during. You have to stay calm so that you can negotiate calmly and focus on your future. So that's why, that's why so many of our, of our mediations involve the coaching element, because both parties need to really try to take a breath.
Right.
They need to employ the tricks of the trade and how to Communicate without that anger erupting.
Exactly. You know, one of the things that I work with my clients on is non-provocative communication, really understanding how to communicate in a way that you're not eliciting emotion, negative emotion from your spouse, right? Because that's not going to get you anywhere other than, you know, more unproductive communication, which again, who wins in that? Right? So it's really getting— I work hard to try to get my clients to really think about what they're going to say, not only verbally, but also when they have to communicate in writing, to make sure that you try as much as possible to take emotion, accusations, blaming out of— those types of words out of their communication so that it really is, you're just dealing with the facts. And I know you work hard to do that with your clients too, to really try and just deal with the facts that are on the table.
Exactly. It's really important. It's really important. Well, Kelly, I think this is good. I think you've really explained well. Where can people reach you, read you, find you on the web? What's your information?
Yeah, I am on Facebook at Your Divorce Advocate, and I also have a website at, again, yourdivorceadvocate.com. I can also be reached by phone at 858-276— oh geez, and now I'm going to forget my number.
YourDivorceAdvocate.com.
Yeah.
Well, no, I think I really, I just encourage everybody to look into a divorce coach. You know, you're not going to break the bank engaging a divorce coach. It's not something that it's gonna cost you what it's gonna cost you legal fees. It's just not that sort of expense, and the benefits are tremendous. So I appreciate you. I appreciate everyone. If you have been hearing something right to my left here, this is the culprit.
Hi, buddy. But thank you so much, Kelly. Thank you.
