Certified divorce coach India Kern explains how coaching helps clients navigate divorce emotionally and logistically. She went through costly litigation in 2011 and now helps others avoid her mistakes by building confidence and shifting perspective. Group sessions run in August, September, and October.
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Hey everybody, this is Scott Levin, Chief Peacekeeper, and I am so stoked to be joined today by India Kern. How are you, India?
I'm fine, Scott. Thanks for having me.
Thank you. So for those of you that don't know, India is one of the leading certified divorce coaches, I think, throughout California. She has an incredible online platform, social media. She's just blowing up and is huge and India, before we get into the topic of the day, could you tell us about the in-person coaching event that you were just talking about?
Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Scott. So, I do 1-on-1 coaching, but I have something that I am super excited about. It is happening in August. It is the 2nd and 4th Mondays of each month, August, September, and October. It is going to be in-person coaching because we are all Zoomed out, right? We are tired of being on Zoom, right? But if you can't make it in person, I will have an online option. So, it is the best of both worlds. worlds. And if you wanted to, there'll be 6 sessions, but you could technically hit all 12 if you wanted. So I will give you all the information and you can put it in the details and the notes. And so if anyone's interested, I'd love to talk to you about it.
And otherwise, if people want to, you know, talk to you throughout the country, or just, you know, pick your brain, they can also, you know, engage you virtually as well, just not for that, but for anything else in general.
Absolutely. And I have a discovery call, so that's a free, free call, and we can talk and see if coaching's a fit for you. So you can find that on indiakern.com, just India like the country, kern.com.
Awesome. Well, so India and I were talking just before this, and I think a great topic for conversation with an elite divorce coach like India is basically as a mediator. I'm a full-time mediator. I'm an attorney, but I just help people resolve disputes. And in the divorce world, unfortunately, you know, a decent amount of people that come to me are dealing with the kickback of discovering that, you know, there was a cheating situation in the marriage.
Mm-hmm.
And they've decided then to, you know, move forward with a separation. And in those cases, the emotions can just be so raw. The feelings, you know, extremely sensitive. So I guess my question to India is, we want people to go into mediation because we believe— I think most of us believe that in the long run, that's what's best for people. That's the best place if a divorce is going to happen for it to happen. But when there's a cheating situation and the emotions are just extremely raw, how do you coach your clients to do what's in their best interest when they might not even want to look at the other person or be in the same room with them or, you know, deal with it?
Right, that's a great question. Actually, Scott, that was me in 2011. So, um, I first went to a mediator with my soon-to-be ex, and I didn't know what I didn't know, right? So I get in there and I'm thinking, oh, I'm gonna be railroaded, and I have all these— I can't even speak, you know, because I'm so emotionally raw, like you said. And I had no idea that I could have a consulting attorney and I could have an advocate. So my decisions were made based off of little information, right? So if I had had a divorce coach or someone educating me, I would have definitely taken that route because the alternative was litigation. And we fought a lot. And the money, I mean, you can imagine it was We spent so much money and it was unnecessary. And so when I coach my clients, of course I share that story. But what I love about mediation is the intention behind it. You're both coming to the table with really a mission statement to do what's best for the children, to get through this with the least amount of collateral damage that is possible, right? And if you go with— and you set an intention, which I do with my clients, Before mediation, you just tend to follow through. And I see people that go through mediation come out so much happier. And it tends to be a shorter process. Whereas litigation, again, going back to my story, started in 2011. It was the fastest divorce possible, but then there was other things that came along till 2017. So So we were in and out of court that long. So if I had to do it over again, I would definitely say I would definitely go to mediation. But again, I just wish I'd had the knowledge. Like I said, you don't know what you don't know.
And is that how you empower your clients is through that knowledge and understanding?
Exactly. Exactly. Because usually you don't know about divorce unless you're in the profession. or you've been through it yourself. Like, why would you know anything about it? So, you know, I shared with you earlier, I went to therapy and therapy is great, but it was really helping me understand why I married the person I did. It was not helping me make a game plan. Like, how are we going to get through this? Should I do litigation? Should I do mediation? How do I decide on a mediator? You know, all these different— One thing, I could have really used is someone to help me get emotionally and mentally prepared for the business of divorce, whether that be mediation or litigation. Litigation was scary enough, right? The depositions were super scary. So that was hard in itself. So, you know, education equals confidence. And that's what I didn't have. I was lacking confidence because I didn't have a guide. And I always say I became the guide I didn't have. And so anyway, that's how I got here. But yeah, education is huge.
And so how— so when you, uh, when you wrapped up, or, you know, at some point during your divorce, you were thinking, I, I need to help people that are going through— I can help people. How do you take that desire, uh, you know, to do it and then, you know, actually become someone in your position? You know, that's not just a coach but that has a business, that has clients, that's thriving? How do you, you know, go from that first step to where you are now?
Well, it definitely took time because I had to heal. That's definitely, you know, you cannot do it when you're raw. So it took a lot of time. I wrote a book called Surviving the Unwanted Divorce, and then I looked into life coaching, and then I had the same client essentially coming to me all the time, and it was usually someone that was going through the divorce process, struggling, stuck in their pain. And so I thought to myself, hmm, maybe I should do this divorce coaching thing. I didn't even know it existed. So then I started researching. I found that, you know, you can get certified. And that is how I got into it. And then, you know, it really gave me purpose because before, I was a stay-at-home mom and I, of course, I had my children. But this really gave me purpose to help others so they didn't have to suffer. You know, I like to say I made every mistake in the book so you don't have to. And I really did. I just, I flew by the seat of my pants. I, if I, like I said, if I could do things over, I would. But now I use that knowledge and I help others so they don't fall in those traps, those, you know, mistakes that I made.
In the last couple minutes, can you share maybe an example of, of course, not giving any specific, you know, details of the person, but can you share an example of how working with someone Kind of maybe created a whole new path that this person would not have had without your help?
Sure. Let's see. So you know what I find is a common pitfall, I guess you could say, with a lot of people going through divorce like the one you set up that maybe found out about a cheating spouse? What I see is that the blame, everything is put on the other person. And yes, I get it. I get it. The other person hadn't There was an infraction and they, you know, that is not good. But what coaching does is turns the perspective on you, right? Because all you can control is your side of the street, so to speak, right? So, the greatest thing about that is that you have control over your feelings. And I think what we forget is when we are launching these, like, you know, daggers at the other person because we are so hurt, We forget that they are, that is controlling our emotions. Whereas if we change the thought, we can control our feelings and then get different results. So, that is basically the nut, like coaching in a nutshell. Change your thoughts, change your life. So, that is where I would say everything starts with you and staying on your side of the street.
I love that. I think that is unbelievable advice. India Kern, can you repeat how people can find you again?
Yeah, definitely. So, go to indiakern.com. That is India like the country and Kern is K-E-R-N.com and be on the lookout for the new in-person group coaching and the online group coaching. Of course, I always do 1-on-1. Thank you, Scott, for having me.
Yeah, I love that advice and everyone, India is just incredible. So, Check her out, educate, learn, and you know, if you're in this process, this is a great place to be. So appreciate
