How Divorce Coaches Help Clients Successfully Divorce-Chief Peacekeeper Scott Levin & Lara Brunstrom

Hey everyone, this is Scott Levin, Chief Peacekeeper, and I am here today with Laura Brunstrom. Hi Laura, how are you?

I am spectacular, thank you.

Laura is a very well-known divorce and life coach, uh, based in the Northwest but working all over the United States. And I think I just want to introduce my followers and everyone that watches these videos to Laura. and talk a bit about her services and where she comes from and how she— and why she does it. She mentioned something interesting in one of the articles I read that she published about managing the process and the person in divorce, and that's just kind of caught my ear. So, Laura, how do you manage the process and person when you're working with clients as a coach who are actively in the divorce process, whether in mediation or litigation?

Well, what happens is, first of all, I became a life coach and then I became a divorce coach. So what I noticed as I was working with people as a life coach is that a lot of them had gone through divorce and all of a sudden things were bubbling up with people about ex-wives, ex-husbands, or they were just been through the process, or they came to me because they weren't happy. So So those things work. I'm coaching the person. We're looking into what they want. What if if not this, then what? If not this marriage, then what are you moving toward? What do you want to go towards? Really reaching inside of themselves for what's next, what they're looking for, what's going to be satisfying. That's what the person needs. The process is, as you well know, they can be handed documents like their. their declarations of expenses, what they have for assets. And that is the biggest speed bump that people experience early on.

Hmm.

It's literally the first time that somebody asks them to do actual work where they have to go in and look at documents and look at what they spend and look at what their mortgage is and really the, the harsh reality of what it costs them to live per month. What are they spending? What are their kids spending? What does tuition cost? All of those expenses come out, what their assets are, what they had before marriage, what they had after marriage. And that's the process where I sit down with them and help them get through some of the speed bumps of why they don't want to start filling that out. What is the pain and suffering of going through this process? So—

Do you think they don't want to fill it out because of the The more that the, the rea— the— it becomes more of a reality of like what their situation looks like? Or is it just that the idea of like doing the actual work and spending the time?

Yes, yes to both. Like, it's a variety of reasons. It's scary. It is work. It takes digging into some stuff. Sometimes there's one spouse who doesn't know the finances as much as the other one. Sometimes they feel like things are hidden, so they're digging. Sometimes they won't share information. So there's that too. Like, there's the potential of running into conflict. There's just the work of it. If they're a double working income family that everybody's going into a job, it's going to take some time to fill it out. And sometimes it just takes a little nudge and a little accountability from somebody like me who's like, all right, want to get this process started, we got to get these forms filled out. So when do you want to commit by? When do you want me to check in with you? Do you need moral support? Like, do you want me to get on Zoom with you and talk to you while you're doing it? And that's much more of the process. We could be talking about anything. We could be talking about their kid's baseball game while they're doing it. I'm coaching the person, definitely a different thing. But what happens in divorce is they're going to intersect. Those things are going to intertwine. So they're going to cross and they're going to ebb and flow. So it's really every time we talk, it's what's showing up. Do we have a task at hand, or do we have a heart issue that we need to deal with? Do we need to look inside and be like, all right, well, what's important here? What feels important?

I can just tell you that my clients that have good coaches that come to me in mediation are so positively impacted by the work that they do in those coaching sessions. They come to the mediation knowledgeable about like what they should be asking for, what is like reasonable, where it would like, and then how they should be asking for it, or how they should be interacting with their spouse in mediation. You know, all those things can be triggering to the other person and to yourself, those interactions. So how you approach the other person, what you ask for. And then the fact that you've thought about it and, and gone back and forth with someone that's knowledgeable, you just, you just, you're not learning about it for the first time when you're being asked to make a decision. You're, you're now really prepared. And it's one of the linchpins of mediation. In mediation, you need to educate and be empowered through education and knowledge because you're, you're not giving up your your case to an attorney who's going to run it all for you. You're deciding, look, I want to stay in control of the process and how this is going to play out. But to do that, you have to be educated and knowledgeable. And working with someone like Lara is really just a huge key to that. How have you seen your work play out in people's lives over the years?

Oh my gosh. It's so much a mediation, especially just speaking to what you just said, is how they show up. Are you showing up prepared? Are you showing up having thought about what's important to you? Do you want the house? Do you not want the house? Do you— what things are important to you? What, um, you know, what child custody looks like, what sharing things looks like, what your pet is going to do. Like, I mean, all these things that when you show up to your appointment, We want those clients prepared mentally. We want them to show up open-minded with an open heart. Communication, you mentioned, is huge. That is one of the biggest things I deal with with clients is because now communication is different. And you— I mean, let's be honest, you didn't get to divorce because you were great communicators with each other. So chances are you know all the buttons to push and they're all the wrong ones.

So we're good at that.

Yes, we are very good at that. And if you show up to a mediation, that's just gonna not work. So what we want is what communication patterns are gonna work for you. How do you show up for the mediator, for your spouse, and for yourself to make this process really work? And that's huge. How you communicate, what you're saying to your spouse, how you ask for things, request things. Sharing things that are important. I mean, I have a client who's in mediation right now, and I said, so it sounds like these are the top 5 things that you guys really want to work on. And she was like, can you repeat that?

That's cool.

Yes, yes, I can. But this should be obvious. Like, this should be the overarching— like, he wants the house, and you want to be able to afford to move, and you want to keep the building for your business. Like, these are, these are huge things. So those should be in your top 5 things that you're discussing in mediation, because those matter. You're not going to know what matters unless your clients come in and say, these are, these are the things that are really important to us.

And you know, that can go either way. It's really interesting that what you just said kind of just got me thinking about my own cases right now. And you know, I have more than one case right now where one of the spouses is worried that they're being Like unfair against the other person, uh, in, in asking for too much when really they're just asking for what they're entitled to. But in their mind, they haven't wrapped— they haven't come to like the grips like with the reality, like, look, this is what you're entitled to and it's okay.

Yes.

And the other person is okay with it. In both of these cases, the other people really want to move on and get this done. Like, they want to this behind them. Like, from a mental perspective, they're suffering and they want this other spouse to say, listen, take this, it's okay, and let's move on. And both these cases, they haven't accepted that yet. And it's delaying and kind of impeding the mediation in a really interesting way, obviously unique way.

It's common. I see that a lot where— and I want to say it's typically women who are like, I'm really afraid to ask for this, and I have to pull them back and remind them that what they have built over time has been a shared process. It's not like he's doing you a favor.

Yeah.

So, and, and on the contrary to that, the flip side is you also don't wanna show up to mediation and be like, I have the right to this, or I'm entitled. Like I did have a client who tossed that word in mediation one time. She's like, it did not go well. I'm like, mm, yeah, that was, that's not probably how you wanna show up.

Yeah. And in both these cases, I was like, look, I really— what I'm hearing from these other people is that they want to get this done. Like, from a mental perspective, they're— they've been able to handle it so far, but it's, it's hurting them. And they don't want to be— they don't want to come back and see me again. They don't want to— they want to put— they want to come to an agreement, and they're happy to do this.

Yeah.

That's what the agreement is. Uh, so you're actually, in a weird way, kind of hurting them by, like, delaying By not just taking what they want. They want you to say what you want and then take it and let's move on and all co-parent and live happily ever after as best you can.

I think coaching really helps that issue too. It helps people work through— there's a really age-old classic, am I enough? Some people struggle with that, struggle with their worth, their value. And if they're not seeing that, then they're not showing up to mediation prepared to ask for what they're entitled to, what, what they should be getting, especially if there's an amicable spouse on the other side. Like, you want to— I want to make sure for my clients that they're showing up knowing their value, knowing that they can ask for certain things, knowing that your job is to make an equitable distribution in an amicable way.

Yep. Yeah, no, and listening to what, what's important to the other person too, especially if they want to just get it done and let's get it done.

Yeah, show up and listen and share.

Yeah. So I just, again, Laura, thank you so much. How can people reach you and contact you and all those good things?

I'm on LinkedIn. I'm my— if you get to my email or my website, website. It's Sterling Fire Coaching. And I can— we can list it when this is published.

I'll put it in the description too.

Yeah, absolutely. So my website has a booking link for me. I do chemistry sessions with people to make sure that we're a good fit, that we can build their team, etc. Yeah, I mean, we just— you have to know, it's a very personal decision. And from that meeting, it's usually like 45 minutes, we launch into what do you need? What's next? And let's get started.

Exactly. I love that. I might take that from you. Chemistry sessions. I need that.

It's great because, you know, it's— you gotta like the people you work with, and building a team around this is essential.

Yep. All right, well, thank you so much, and everyone click, uh, contact her. She's incredible, and, uh, I'm sure we'll do another one of these videos on another topic soon enough.

Awesome. All right, thanks so much for having me.