How to Celebrate Holidays After Divorce | Scott Levin Chief PeaceKeeper

Hey everyone, this is Scott Levin, Chief Peacekeeper. I'm here today with my good friend Kelly Myers. Hi, Kelly.

Hi.

So we are going to talk about holidays and divorce and separation and how to share holidays. It's holiday time, uh, obviously, Kelly, you know, people that are already divorced or recently divorced or are going through the process of divorce and separation. You know, holidays are a touchy time. They, they're emotional. People want to celebrate with their kids and their family, and, you know, maybe celebrating how they're used to in the past isn't something that they're going to be able to do in the future.

Right, right. Yeah, holidays are a tough time. I remember when I got divorced, You know, I had to realize I wasn't gonna be able to spend the, the all of the holiday time with my kids as I was used to doing that. And I also remember, you know, really being focused on what I wanted in the holidays. And, and looking back at, you know, with all the things that I've learned over my career, I, I wish that I had thought more and put myself in the shoes of my kids. What would I have wanted? at their age when it came to the holidays, right? Would I have wanted the shuffling back and forth, right? Would I have wanted to have this kind of forced shared holiday when I, you know, I can feel the tension between my parents? So I think that the biggest piece of advice or thing that I would encourage people to think about when they think about holidays and really anything that comes That, that is in relation to their kids.

Yeah.

Is put yourself in their shoes.

I love that.

Remember what it felt like to be 10. What would you have wanted? Right?

Can I go back?

Yes. Right. So an example that I use, and I will use Christmas because Christmas is a holiday that I celebrate. So I know that holidays— so a lot of times people split Christmas Day. Right? And so, you know, one parent gets Christmas morning, and so they're there when Santa comes and, and all the gifts are opened. And then a few hours later, the other parent gets the kids. And so I just want you to sit and think for a second. You're a 10-year-old. You just got to open up all your gifts from Santa, and you just wanna sit and play with them. And maybe you're in, you know, a neighborhood where you've got your friends and you wanna play with your friends. And then suddenly, because your other parent wants to spend that time with you, you gotta put it all away. And you may not be able to bring that gift with you, because that gift really was a gift to be meant to be in the house, right? And so now you gotta put all that away, and you gotta go to your other parent's house. What does that feel like? For some kids, that may not be a big deal, but for others it may.

And so it's different. Every family is different. You got to really evaluate those. A lawyer or a mediator or a coach, I mean, nobody's going to know your kids like you guys are.

Exactly. Exactly. And so what is, what is best for the kids? So I often look at holidays as an opportunity. Holidays are really that special time when we seem to focus on family and we seem to do special things. Right? And that's why there's memories created and, and, and things like that. So I think this is really an opportunity to create additional traditions.

Hmm.

So instead of splitting that day and making your kid go from one house to another, this may be an opportunity where when it's not your year to have Christmas Day, that you create another tradition that your kids can look forward to that's during your time during that holiday time period. Right? So because for kids, they don't really care what day things are celebrated or what day they get their gifts. They're just looking forward to that special time. So what can you do to add yet another holiday special tradition to the calendar? Because we are— we, we all could use more special holiday, you know, family time together.

My middle son just turned 10 on Monday, and I think that we celebrated his birthday for 3 and a half weeks, and then he was on Saturday. So it's still going.

Exactly right. And he's not complaining.

One thing people do around Thanksgiving that we've done in mediation is say, hey, we're going to do— you can have Thanksgiving and I'll have Black Friday. So you're doing it on 2 different days. Like you said, the kids don't care, but it's something to do. It's still family. It's still exciting. It's still getting all those warm feelings that we can remember in our heads about our youth. Yeah. So I agree with you completely.

And you can do— you can even do another tradition, right? So if you don't— if you're the parent that doesn't have Thanksgiving that year, maybe what your tradition is on the years you don't have it is you do something special Wednesday. Wednesday, maybe if you like to cook, maybe you introduce that to your children. You bake pies and your children can bring one of those pies to their other parent's celebration right now. Now you've done 2 really cool things. Because you have done something special that your kids feel like you're acknowledging that they're going to the other parents. They get to be a part of offering something up and giving thanks. I mean, there's just all sorts of cool things right now. If you're not into something like that, maybe you do something else special that always becomes a tradition when you don't have them on Thanksgiving. Because sometimes people try to— well, we, you know, if I don't have Thanksgiving, I'm gonna recreate Thanksgiving the next day. Right? Or the day before. Okay, that may be the best thing, but think outside of the box. What other things can you do?

Yeah, absolutely.

That creates a new tradition and is special.

And kids just, you know, kids love traditions. They love family. They want to be surrounded by love. And like you said, the day of, or what that day is, I think now more than ever, kids are, are, are less associated with the actual days of a holiday, just like they're less associated with, you know, what— ask a 10-year-old what CBS or NBC is. You know, they're— they have no clue. It's just a different world. But they still love that feeling that they get inside when a parent goes out of their way to create a special memory.

Exactly. And on the holiday, when you don't have the kids on Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever holidays you celebrate, if you have another tradition, I can assure you your kids are not going to remember, oh, I didn't spend Thanksgiving with you that year. They're going to remember the day you did spend and what you did that was special that day. So kids want—

Do you recommend for like, um, do you recommend that sort of thinking for all the holidays, like July 4th, Halloween, uh, things like that?

I, I absolutely— I, I think there's more damage in fighting over having the kids or splitting that day and trying to make it equal for the parents than it is trying to look at, well, what do the kids need, right? Um, you know, Halloween, well, that they're— that If, if you don't have the kids that year, maybe what you do that year is you're the one that helps them with their costume.

Hmm.

Right? There could be different things that you— again, traditions that you could create during that time. Maybe it's you that year, you do special pumpkin carving, or you decorate for the holiday. Just because your kids aren't there on the actual day doesn't mean that they can't get really involved in decorating the house. For Halloween.

Feeling that holiday spirit. We all need some of that holiday mode.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Everything that's happening, whether you're going through separation or learning how to become, you know, a single parent or whatever you're going through, the world is a difficult place these days. And, you know, pushing into our kids that feeling of warmth that you get from celebration, I think, is just really important. You know, well beyond, like you said, the legal process of how do you legally divide these days. It's really a focus on let's look inside of our kid. Let's view things from his or her perspective and come up with a plan that will suit that kid to the best of our ability.

Absolutely. Yeah, I think the biggest takeaway is really remember what it was like to be that age. And what would you have wanted?

Like I said, can I go back?

Yeah, I made some mistakes.

Well, I— to look, you know, Kelly is a, uh, is a life and separation coach. She has worked with many of my clients that are going through divorce and legal separation processes, uh, to help them, um, you know, approach the legal aspect of divorce calmly rationally, in a thoughtful and knowledgeable way. And she particularly helps clients create really detailed parenting plans that, you know, take in— that consider that approach of, you know, looking inside your kid and understanding what's best from that perspective. And she's been a tremendous help to my clients. So thank you, Kelly.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

Yeah, I've been a tremendous help to her clients.

No, you have been. You have it. Absolutely. Well, and I'll tell you why. Because I think that whenever my clients can get into mediation, and particularly a mediator like you, Scott, who really looks at the whole family unit, they're just going to be better off. There are very few legal issues that need to be decided during divorce. It's really how are you going to restructure your family? That's really what it is. And the legal stuff is really paperwork. And it only becomes legal when you, when you can't, when you can't agree. So, you know, I think both Scott and I, we really put family and the importance of family at the center of what we do, and really want to help families build a strong foundation to move forward in a real positive way.

Yeah. And those families, you know, don't have to involve minor children. I have many, many cases now where there's adult children and the feelings that are being relayed through those adult children to my clients and then to me are, you know, it's a challenging time for them.

Absolutely.

And you want to go through this process, if at all possible, in a way that protects them and shields them from the conflict.

Absolutely.

Yeah. Well, we'll be back again soon, I'm sure, talking more about, you know, coaching and divorce and mediation and all those Good topic. So happy holidays to everyone.

Yes, happy holidays. Bye.