Parenting Coach Debbie Zeichner Sits Down With Scott Levin To Discuss Parenting Issues

Hi everybody, my name is Scott Levin. I am the founding partner at San Diego Divorce Mediation and Family Law, and we are continuing our speaker series this afternoon with Debbie Zeichner. Thank you, Debbie.

Yeah, you're welcome. Thanks for having me.

Of course. Debbie is the parent coach in Southern California. She's a licensed clinical social worker, and she has some amazing upcoming free online seminars Under the title Becoming an Empowered Parent. And I just thought that actually starts tomorrow, as we're going to talk about. So Debbie, what can, what can people expect to learn? How can they participate? Tell us a little more about that.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, again, thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited that we were able to connect, and I'm thrilled to be here and share anything that I can to support parents. Yeah, so I put together this online parenting series, which is free. The series offers 29 parenting experts, some of the top parenting experts who are coming together to just share their gifts and their wisdom and their research-based tips and tools and insights that are really, you know, offered to support parents in raising kids who are confident, who are kind and compassionate and resilient and emotionally healthy. And so much of what we're going to be talking about, you know, the title is Becoming an Empowered Parent. Expert tools for embracing imperfection, building connection, and creating more peace and joy in your family. So we're really talking about how we can start to reduce our own, you know, impatience and frustration and overwhelm and guilt and shame and all of that, which oftentimes gets in the way of us being able to show up as the empowered parents that I think we're truly meant to be. So each day there will be 2 different interviews that are released. They're all pre-recorded. So parents can watch them or listen to them at their leisure. But 2 interviews are released per day on a whole variety of topics. So I always say to parents, if you have a baby, if you have a young child, a preteen or teen, there's something for you because our speakers are really covering just a wide range of topics from tantrums to sibling rivalry to anti-racism to raising mixed-race teens to raising teens to just all sorts of things. We've got a really amazing lineup. That, that I've been able to put together. So I'm really proud and excited to be able to offer it.

And I'm excited. I signed up myself. Now, where can, where can people watch it, just so they can figure that out?

Yeah, absolutely. So it's becominganempoweredparent.com. And there you just sign up and then you should receive an email. I've also included a free journal that goes along with it. So each speaker has their own page so parents can you know, kind of follow along, write down their just biggest takeaways, things that they want to try. So that, that goes along with it. And also the other cool thing is that so many, not all, but many, many of the speakers are offering a free gift. So that's really cool too, is just a way for parents to be able to take advantage of so much of the knowledge and wisdom that is out there and just get some support, especially with all that's going on in our world right now. I just This was an opportunity to just offer some support for parents everywhere. So yeah, really excited about it.

First of all, thank you for putting that together. It's gonna be amazing. And, you know, we actually put my 2 kids, or 2 of my older kids, sorry, I have 3, in camp because, you know, we only go so long. My wife works, I work, etc. And yesterday we got a call from the camp saying that One of the counselors had been exposed to COVID and was taking a test. And so my— one of my sons' whole week of camp was just erased. And that is just— I can imagine that's going to happen. You know, what's that saying, like, we make plans and God laughs or whatever? Like, that's going to happen all next school year.

Yeah.

I mean, it's going to be a rocky road for all of us with younger kids, the kids in school. And so everyone needs the support and to To educate ourselves.

So yeah, there's a lot of anxiety and a lot of uncertainty out there right now. And so I think, you know, now more than ever is a time for all of us to come together and try to figure out how we can be there for ourselves and how we can be there for each other.

So as you know, I work mainly in the, in the field of divorce and marriage and family law. So that's kind of what I do on a daily basis. But I really thought that something you said resonated with me the last time we spoke. So I don't know if you remember, and one of the reasons I wanted to have you on today was basically, you know, in divorce, it's very hard for parents post-divorce a lot of times to be on the same page. But you said something that gave— that I've been repeating to my clients over and over and over, and I just want to know more about that, which is basically, you know, do parents have to be on the same page whether they're married or divorced?

Yeah, you know, I think it's one of those really tricky things because I think we have these ideas and these expectations that, you know, parents have to be on the same page and be this united front. And while I think that's certainly ideal, and while I think that's certainly important, it's not always realistic. And especially when parents are going through separation or divorce, oftentimes they're not able to be on the same page, right? And so I think we strive to be able to communicate with each other for You know, I try to help parents be able to listen to each other. So, as I know you do too, understand where their children are coming from, understand what their children's needs are so that they can do their best to kind of meet somewhere in the middle. And at the same time, it's being able to understand and know that, you know, households run a bit differently, and that's okay, right? Kids don't need it to be exactly the same at mom's and dad's. Kids are very Smart. They're also very resilient, right? And they're, they're very quick to learn and understand what the rules are, right? This is how things are at mom's house. This is how things are at dad's house, right? And being able to adjust, which in so many ways is kind of how life is, right? When we send our kids out into the world, they need to be able to adjust and adapt to a variety of situations. So when we're able to— when they're able to experience that with guidance, with support, with at least one parent who's able to recognize, yeah, I know it's really hard, you're able to do that at dad's house. And I'm not okay with that. And that's really frustrating, right? That's how we can help and guide and support our kids through that, is recognizing that, you know, even though the rules aren't the same, sometimes that transition can be confusing for kids. And so if we know that, and there's at least, as I said, one parent who's able to support their child through that, that can be really helpful and create a healthier outcome for the child.

And so that— I think that is such incredible advice, because as I see it often with the issue of technology, And we all know that that's not going to go away. So a lot of my clients, for example, will call me post-divorce and say, I need to have a mediation session because I hear— I mean, this is— I hear this all the time. I don't want my sons playing Fortnite and my ex lets them play Fortnite. And, and so they're like living 2 parallel lives. And when they come to my house. They all— they want to— all they kind of do is sour on me because I don't let them play Fortnite. What should we do? So how would you, in that case, what would be some of your general suggestions with an issue like that?

I think the first thing is just recognizing that we only— that we can't control another person. As much as we want to dictate how things are going to be at the other's Home, we have zero control over that. All we have control over is how we choose to parent, the limits and boundaries that we choose to establish. That's all we have to control. Right. And so once we can let go of this idea that we're going to control and manage how our child's life is and design our child's life and where they are and everything's going to be exactly as we want, it's impossible. It's unrealistic and it's unreasonable.

Right.

So once we can let go of that. drop our agenda, focus on what is our control, which is how we choose to do things at our house. That tends to lessen kind of that intensity and anxiety, right, which then lessens the intensity and anxiety that our child experiences from us, right? So we can certainly voice our concerns about, hey, listen, like, I know you really, you know, are allowing a lot of video games at your house. I'm not allowing them in my house, and here's why. Here's what I found. Here's what the research says. The ex is going to do what the ex is going to do, right? So I think we can do our best to explain the reasons why. And when our child comes back to our house expecting the, you know, endless hours of Fortnite, that's when we can really connect with our child and say, I know that is really frustrating because I know you get to watch Fortnite at your mom's house, or I know you get to watch Fortnite at your dad's house, and here, you know, I'm not okay with that. So that's hard and I hear you. So let's see how we can make this work for both of us. Or, you know, even just validating how our child feels because oftentimes when our child comes to us with a complaint, you know, you're not doing this, dad lets me do this, you know, oftentimes it's natural to kind of that defensiveness rises in us, right? And we start to go into logic. Well, this is why and I can't believe he's letting you do that, right? And we kind of get into this like blame game, which is only you know, hurtful for the child and actually doesn't allow the child to feel fully heard. Because really what they're saying is it's not fair, right? Which gives us an opportunity to say, you know what, you're right, it's not fair. And I know that that must be really hard. You wish you could do that more. You wish you could do that more here. And let's figure out what you can do. Right? So the—

Right.

So then the child's like, oh. So the child doesn't get exactly what they want, but they get a child— but they get a parent who at least sees them Hears them and understands where they're coming from. And when they feel seen and heard and understood and accepted, there's less need to battle. There's less need to fight, right? So yeah, they might be disappointed, at which point you can say, yeah, I know, I get it.

Well, you know what, I think everyone watching this now knows why she is the parenting coach in Southern California and beyond. And, and I know that we could go on and on, but I actually just want— I would love our viewers to tune into the Becoming an Empowered Parent series that starts tomorrow, Tuesday, July— what is that, 9th?

July 7th.

7th, sorry.

Yeah.

And, and I mean, those answers were so incredible. And I thank you so much for just spending a couple minutes with us. I know you're busy. And I hope that we can continue this conversation again soon, and we'll hit on a whole bunch of other fun topics in the meantime. So thank you so much.

Thank you again. Bye, everyone.