Divorce mediator Scott Levin and coach Lara Brunstrom explain why respect matters in divorce. Disrespect costs $17,000 per month in legal fees and years of court battles. They share how asking "Can you live with this?" and spacing out mediation sessions helps couples reach agreements that actually stick.
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Hello, good morning, good afternoon, whenever you're watching this. We are punch drunk today. Like, we are, we are rolling with some energy that we had a topic and we're gonna flow it right into something else because that's what's showing up today, which is treat people with respect. And Scott and I were talking about some personal things and it came out that It bleeds straight into mediation. So Scott is here, and he is the best mediator in California.
Thank you.
I love working with him. My clients love working with him. My name is Laura. I'm a divorce coach, and we zip up together really well to bring clients to resolution, keep things paced, and least amount of regret going through a process of mediation possible. And What is the foundation of that is getting back to respect. I feel like we should break out into Gladys Knight, like you know that R E S P E C T. What I find, and I know that you do this as well, Scott, and this this comes from a professional standpoint. It comes from working with a spouse to try and come to a resolution that is as amicable as possible. Is treat people how you want to be treated. I'm sure there's some commandment in there somewhere, but we're gonna land it with respect, and that. That means treating your mediator with respect, treating yourself with respect, honoring what you need, and treating the people across the table from you with respect. And I don't know if you want to chime in here with anything, what you see from your angle with people in mediation.
Yeah, you know, it's an interesting world. So when you're divorcing, the default, like, you know, feelings that you have, obviously things aren't going well in your in your interpersonal life with your spouse, right?
You're—
there's a problem and you're solving that problem by, you know, divorcing and separating. Some people approach that process, and a lot of litigating attorneys approach that process like, let's blow it up. Like, if a business is suing another business, what's the chances that they'll ever do business again together, right? So who cares? Like, let's call each other all the names. Let's fight it out. Let's play dirty. And let's win or lose, right? For many of my clients, I do have cases where there aren't kids, but maybe 70% of my clients do have kids. And what does that mean? That means you blow it up, how are you going to co-parent? How are you going to have that? You have to have a relationship in the future. It's not feasible to blow it up because you will be interacting in some capacity with this other person. So in mediation, one of the foundations— founding principles is respect. You have to allow the other person to speak, not like allow them to speak, and the second you hear them take a gulp or stop talking, you jump in. You have to let it sink in. You have to hear them. You have to give them that opportunity, give them that space, and you have to be considerate of their— of the things that they're expressing. And they need to do the same to you, and you need to allow the mediator to do the same, and you need to be respectful to the process, or else it's not going to work. So, you know, respecting the other side while they're speaking, offering that courtesy, you'll get it back. Um, and if you can't respect, uh, the other person during a mediation, then expect the following. Expect to go through the court system. Expect to spend $17,000 a month in legal fees. Expect it to take 2.5 to 3 years. Expect to go back to court 4 to 10 times after the divorce is final to, to renegotiate terms about your kids or your support. Expect bad things to happen to you if you can't offer respect to the other person.
Bam! Mic drop moment. I think that's for me on my side with coaching people. A lot of what I do is preparing people to offer that respect because a lot of what happens in divorce is control. There's, there's always a power dynamic. There's always somebody with more power in one category and less power in another. And what I'm finding and where the birth of this actual conversation took place was spring break. And what I'm noticing with my clients right now is they've gone through mediation, they've gone through the divorce process, they've been to the court, they have a parenting agreement, yet they don't really want to go by it. Because I don't want him or her to know where I'm going on spring break. So I know it says that I'm supposed to notify you the minute I make that reservation, but I don't really want to know. I don't want you to know where I'm going. And the reality is, is they have every right to know where you're going because you're traveling with their child. So there's a lot of control issues. There's— and that what it's really what it comes back to, what we're saying is circle it back to respect. How do you want that person to communicate with you? Do you want to know where your child is gonna be over the summer for those 2 weeks or 10 days that you agreed to sign this document? If you want to know, likely their other parent wants to know. So share the information openly. I know it kind of sucks. They're gonna know what hotel you're staying at. They're gonna know when you're leaving. And if something happens, they know where to find you. They know how to get to their child. If you go into the hospital and you're traveling just with you and one kid, chances are you're gonna want that person to know where to get to you. So give that respect. And that really— it almost backs us up to the mediation process. And another thing that I work with my clients on, and when we share clients, it becomes really important because I understand Scott's process is very paced. So there's time in between each session to make good decisions. So what I'm doing with people is once they're out of a mediation session and parenting agreement comes up, Then we're taking a step back and I'm saying, can you live with this?
Can you live with this? That's divorce. That's exactly what you want, or not what you're owed, or not what's right. It's what— can you live with this?
Yeah. So when you say, I'm gonna let you know where I'm going on spring break for the next 8 years until our kid is 18 or 21 or whatever you agree on, can you live with that? And that's a question that we process, coach and client, in between the mediation, so you can show up for the next however many years that you are required by signing that document to share that information. So it really goes to— if we can go top up or bottom, you know, bottom up, top down. Pace the mediation, good decision-making, making sure you can live with those decisions, honoring that. Honoring yourself and how you show up for co-parenting and doling out all the respect that you want. And yes, that comes with speed bumps. Yes, other people don't do it. Rise above it.
Rise above it.
Take the high road. Don't be the person, well, he didn't share it with me, so I'm not sharing it with him because that's gonna be a spiral downhill. And then you're out of contract and now you're going back to Scott. 4 years later because you can't figure out how to live with this parenting plan. So on the front end, we work together to make sure that you're signing a document that you're okay with, that you can give the respect, honor the contract, etc.
Yeah, I love everything you said. I know we only have a minute left, but, um, you know, uh, the reason that I pace out the mediation sessions so there's time in between each mediation is— and I tell people this Is I want you to feel, you know, the things that we're talking about. They're not hard agreements. We're exploring ideas for settlement. But at the first or second meeting, I want you to feel how those things that you've kind of temporarily agreed on, how they sit with you for that week in between the next session. And if they're not sitting well with you, you need to change course or bring up other options. And I often tell, and that kind of comes back for a sec, if someone comes back and says, you know what, I've been thinking about what we talked talked about the last meeting. I need to, you know, I have a different idea. And oftentimes the other person says, well, you know, I can't negotiate with someone that's going to change their mind in between these meetings. And I say, yeah, you know, if it happens, you know, throughout every meeting, then yes, that, that becomes hard to negotiate with a person that's gonna, that's gonna go back. But you do need to respect that person's right to feel how those decisions impact them inside. And if they can't live with it, they got to get out of— they got to get it out now and not later. Because if they're not getting it out now, it's going to spiral, like you said, into non-participation with the agreement in the future. So I really love everything you said. And it was, I think, a really good topic. And I hope people, you know, will practice the respect card as much as they can during this process.
Absolutely. And we're fiery today because we feel it in our clients. And sometimes our clients show up and they're not respecting the process or the, the person on the other end of the table. Just— and we get it. Our, our ask of you is do your best. And when you know you're not showing up the way that you need to, sit back, regroup.
