Shankar Vedantam explores why people tell cancer patients like Kate Bowler that everything happens for a reason. Psychologist Melvin Lerner calls this the just-world belief, a self-protective mechanism that imposes order on chaos. But offering reasons harms the suffering person. Better to acknowledge the cost and hold hope instead.
Many of us unconsciously believe the world is just. When Kate Bowler was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, a neighbor stopped by and told her husband, everything happens for a reason. Her husband answered, I'd love to hear it. I'd love to hear the reason my wife is dying. Kate, who's a historian at Duke University, found that many people around her couldn't bear what was happening to her. They needed it to mean something. There had to be a lesson in her suffering, An explanation. Psychologist Melvin Lerner argued that this is because many of us unconsciously believe the world is just. This belief that life is fair, that people get what they deserve, is a form of self-protection. It brings apparent order to a world that often feels chaotic and unpredictable. But our comfort can come at the expense of the person who's suffering. They get handed a reason instead of a hand to hold. So the next time someone you love is in pain, Don't try to explain what's happening. Say the braver thing: I see what this is costing you, and I'll hold your hope when you cannot.
