Good Communication Is Overrated—Try This Instead
In this solo episode of the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, host Jefferson Fisher opens with a promotion for his upcoming "The Next Conversation Workbook," then dives into a critique of conventional communication advice that prioritizes polished, perfect speech. He argues that striving for perfection harms real dialogue and instead champions authenticity—being real and vulnerable—over mere niceness. Fisher distinguishes authenticity (being true to one’s feelings) from integrity (acting in alignment with one’s values) and explains how both are necessary but answer different questions. He illustrates his points with a courtroom analogy, showing that audiences trust the imperfect, relatable speaker more than the flawless one. He emphasizes the power of starting conversations with statements of struggle (e.g., "I’m struggling with…") to invite empathy and genuine connection. Fisher also asserts that presence—awareness of one’s internal state and underlying issues—trumps any conversational technique or scripted phrases. Throughout, he intersperses sponsor reads for Cozy Earth and Peak, and concludes with a call to listeners to practice authentic, compassionate communication, especially when facing important upcoming conversations.
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Quick announcement. The Next Conversation Workbook is now available on sale for preorder. As many of you know, my book, The Next Conversation, came out this year and it was chosen as Best Books of 2025 for not only Barnes Noble, but also Amazon. Well, this workbook is something that I've been working on behind the scenes to make sure that it's packed full of practical exercises and prompts to make sure that you argue less and talk more. You can get it wherever books are sold. And for you listeners, yes, all the links are down there in the show notes. And now enjoy the episode. I don't want what sounds nice. I want what's real. Have you ever felt that before in conversation where what you're grasping for is just the realness of it rather than what sounds nice, what looks nice, the layer of shine, the polish? I don't want the icing. I want you to cut to the chase. You felt that? In today's conversation, we're going to be talking all about integrity, authenticity, and how to show up better in conversations. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy listening to episodes like this that want to improve your communication, like somebody who can't say the word communication, I'm going to ask that you find wherever you're listening, the word subscribe and click it. And it is my promise to you that in exchange, I will make you a better communicator. Thank you very much. This episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth. I love Cozy Earth, and they've been a sponsor of this podcast for a long time now because I use their products and they work. When I am looking for premium quality products for things that for me are adulting, I'm talking about bedsheets, I'm talking about bath towels, I'm talking about clothes, and from coats to shoes, the hoodies, the sweatpants, All of that. That's what I like. That's the stage of life that I'm in. And I bet that's the stage of life you're in right now. And when we're going into these cold holidays, you need to have something that's cozy. So if you're like me and you like being warm, cozy, and premium products, look no further than Cozy Earth. Go to cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. I've heard it said so many times in conversation. I just want real. I just want them to be real with me. What does that mean to you? Ever had that in conversation? You just think, I don't, I don't need to know all the details. I, I don't want you to have to rephrase it in this way that sounds nice or has to be perfect. I just want real. There are people that they have this robotic sense that when they have input A, they have to have output be? And there has to be a sense of perfection in conversation. I'm going to tell you, number one, perfection is never the standard. In fact, perfection hurts your communication. It hurts your communication. Let me give you an example. If I were— and we may have used this example before, but I love it so much, so it's worth hearing again, especially for me. Imagine for a second, you can close your eyes if you're driving or walking, please don't. Imagine that you are an attorney. There's two attorneys. You're on one side and I'm on the other. And there's a big jury out in front of us. And let's say instead of a jury of 12, we have a jury of 60 people. And I go up and now let's make you— let's make you put you in the jury. You're the jury. Cool. I've changed it. You're the jury. Me and another attorney. I go up and say, ladies and gentlemen, this case is about what's right and what's wrong. And everything that you're going to hear my client does did was perfect, was 100% correct. Everything that they did was perfect. They did nothing wrong, and all the evidence is going to show that. Thank you very much. The next attorney gets up and says, ladies and gentlemen, this is about what's fair. We're going to tell you that my client didn't do everything right. There were some problems that they've learned, some bruises that they have, and we're going to talk about those and how we've learned about those. But what the other side's asking for is just simply not reasonable, and so we ask that you do what's fair in this case. Thank you very much. You as a jury listening to me right now, you as a jury listening to me right now, who would you rather listen to? Who would you rather trust? Attorney A, where everything is 100% perfect, or Attorney B, who says, I just want what's reasonable? Everybody chooses Attorney B. Why? Because it's real. Nobody is 100% perfect. There's only one person that ever was. And when you think in time, when am I ever perfect in conversation? It is rarely, if ever. So what does that mean? We want authenticity in conversation. Number 2, integrity and authenticity are not the same thing. Not the same thing. Now that we know that authenticity is what you want in conversation because it relates to us, nobody relates to perfection. In conversation, we relate to struggle, right? If I tell you, if I begin my sentence with, hey, I just want to tell you, I'm struggling with this. I'm struggling with how to begin this. I'm struggling with how I feel about this. And I need your help sifting through this. What's naturally going to happen? You're going to want to help me. If I ask for your help, and I begin with that, begin the conversation with I'm struggling. I'm struggling to understand. I'm struggling to interpret. I'm struggling to comprehend. I'm struggling to wrap my mind around. And you know what happens? The other person automatically goes, I relate to that. I relate to that. I have struggles too. I relate to that. I struggle. Number 2, authenticity and integrity are not the same thing. Integrity says, am I acting in alignment with my values? Authenticity says, am I doing what is real? Where integrity says, am I doing what's right? Authenticity says, am I being real? Am I acting in alignment with my true feelings, my true emotions, my true identity? Integrity is the actions that a lot of people don't see. Authenticity is the transparency that I am matching on the inside as I am on the outside, that you are seeing what is real with me. There are so many, myself included, it happens in conversation all the time where I— maybe you fake niceness, or you don't really feel like being nice. You— or maybe you act like you're not frustrated when you really are, or you say that, yeah, I totally understand, that makes sense, when inside you're really confused. There are plenty of examples where you are not being authentic. You're not being real with how you're truly showing up, how you're really feeling in the conversation. Integrity says, am I— I know what is right, am I doing what's right? Integrity says, am I going to choose to tell the truth even when lying would be so much easier? Am I walking in that integrity? Authenticity is, am I doing What is— am I laying myself open to say, this is how I truly feel about this? That goes into kindness, right? That deep connection that we talked about, the nice versus kind. That's how you know that you're being kind, is when it's related to absolutely you being authentic. You can't be kind and yet not be authentic. The two don't relate. Maybe you can be nice and not be authentic, but you can't do it with kindness because kindness is so much deeper. Now, before we continue, I want to take a second to tell you about Peak, P-I-Q-U-E. Now, y'all know that I am a tea guy. Didn't expect that in my life. I've always thought I'm going to be coffee all the way, and I still like my coffee, don't get me wrong. But tea is something that I very much enjoy, especially if I am traveling all the time. Coffee can make you dehydrated, and then if you drink a whole lot of it, is not all that great. What I like about Peak is that they come in these packets, these dry crystals that I can just rip open, pour them into water. There's no steeping, no hot water boiling, any of that. I can just do it on the go. Like today, I'm going to the airport, I got some Peak, gonna use it. What's cool about them is that they have different products that are specific to things that are important in your life. For example, my energy, right? My gut health, that's important. My digestion. Maybe it's your skin, maybe it's your hydration, maybe it's your energy. Whatever it is, they have a tea that's specifically for that, and they load them up with prebiotics and probiotics to help make sure that you have a balanced system in you, and that's worth having. So it dissolves instantly, hot or cold, no steeping, no mess, just clean, powerful tea that works. Feel the holiday magic and unlock your healthiest glow with 20% off site-wide for life, plus a complimentary exclusive holiday bundle. Go to peaklife.com/Jefferson. That is P-I-Q uelife.com/jefferson. Clear gut, clear head, clear conversations. And now back to the episode. So one, we— what we talked about was you have to understand that perfection is not the standard. We relate to the struggle. Begin your sentence with, I am struggling with. Number two, authenticity and integrity, not the same thing. They're related. Both of them say, is my inside matching my outside? Am I acting in alignment with my with me, with who I am, what I hold. But they ask two different questions. Authenticity says, am I being real? Integrity says, am I doing what is right to me? And am I acting just? Number 3, and that's the reason I, the reason I mention this, and the reason I want you to know that, is because there are many that ask me, you know, I want to show up with integrity in conversation. And what I try to sway them is, what you're really looking for is authenticity. You want to see what's real. Sometimes they have to see you struggle. That goes back to number 1. You feel like kindness is something that is for the weak, and integrity is something that is only for those who are trying to do the right thing. Anybody can have integrity. It takes a lot of honesty to do that. Honesty with yourself, honesty with other people. Those are very tied together. You, you cannot do that. Number 3, your presence in conversation will always trump your technique. I can give you lots of phrases. I can give you lots of techniques. If you listen and are a subscriber to this podcast, you know, I give a lot of techniques that improve your conversation for how to handle relationships with your parents, relationships with your kids, at work, at— with yourself, wherever you are. To help that communication. But listen to me, technique is a band-aid for what is deeper. I often get it when I coach high-functioning professionals that they are looking for the technique that's going to get them past the finish line. They're wanting that sense of perfection to reach that goal. But what I always remind them is techniques, they are just a means to an end. They they don't solve the back end of it. They don't solve your true presence. What's the presence? That is what's in your head, the discernment that you have, the wisdom that you have in that moment of knowing yourself, of knowing— have you had issues your whole life? What do you get nervous in certain situations? Do you feel like you're not enough? Do you feel like you always have to be perfect? Do you feel like you can't make mistakes? These things that are always related to your conversation. So what is the point of today's podcast? The point of today's podcast is for you to understand that if you are not being real in your conversation, then you're really not having a conversation. You're having a show. If you're not being real in conversation, it's not conversation. It's a show. It's a performance. You're giving them a version of yourself that is not true to you. That's not walking with integrity. That's not acting with integrity. And that's not being authentic. Think of the times when both you or the other person and said, I just want you to be real. You don't have to have the perfect thing to say. So on top of you understanding that that's not a true conversation, what I also want to give you is this understanding of Give yourself a little bit of compassion to find out what's really wrong. Why do you struggle with authenticity and keep pulling back the layers? What is about it that makes you not want to be vulnerable in conversation? I've done that. I continually do that. What is it about the conversation that makes you want to get defensive and clam up every time? There's something else deeper. I have people that would say they just know how to hit my button. You know, they just, they hit my button. My question to them is always, well, why is there a button? What's going on? Why are you allowing them to do that? What kind of access are you giving them? Why is there a button there in the first place? And usually that's always inner work that's going on between them. So here is the final takeaway. My guess is you're listening right now because you have a conversation that is incredibly important to your life coming up. And I'm, I'm going to be your number one cheerleader, your coach, to say you can do this. And when you get to the point where you want to be nice and say what sounds good and what sounds perfect, and you say, I need to look at everything that Jefferson has and make sure I have the perfect phrasing. What I'm telling you is forget all of that. And you have to go with what is true to you. You have to speak with authenticity, even when it hurts them. You have to speak with truth, even when it's messy. Especially when it's messy. Because if you don't, what you're living is not a true life. And in fact, that conversation is not a true conversation. So I'm encouraging you today, when you get the chance, speak with authenticity. What does that mean? It is asking the question, am I being real? Am I truly being real with my feelings and my emotions, or am I covering them up? Am I dismissing them? Am I mitigating them in some way? Am I trying to manage this, or am I being open with how I truly feel? That's going to allow us to have a real conversation. If you need help with that, use that phrase, what I'm struggling with. I'm struggling with I'm struggling with the feeling. I'm struggling with the emotion. When you share your struggles, that is the number one way of creating authenticity in that conversation. All right. I know you can do it. I hope you have a great rest of your day. You can always try that and follow me.
