The 3 Rules for Strong Adult Friendships

You don't need acquaintances. You need friends. And not more friends. You need good ones. A few people in your life that will be there for you no matter what you do. This is a podcast that it's going to be different than most. And it's something that I That's been on my heart for a while, and because it's on my heart, I thought I'd share it with you. Making friends as an adult later in life, in your 30s, 40s, 50s, is not easy. And it used to be, didn't it? I watch my kids at the park and it's no problem for them to just go up and say, "Hey, you want to start playing?" And they play. I heard my daughter go, "Hey, you want to be my friend?" And the other kid goes, "Yeah." And they go play. And somewhere along the way, we've struggled with that. It gets weird. It gets awkward. We get older. We get jobs. We grow facial hair. We get busy. And we know what busy does to us. This is an episode on making friends. Let's go. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy this content and get something out of it and it provides value to you, I'm going to ask that wherever you're listening, that you would press subscribe. It tells whatever you're listening to that this is good content. Thank you. This podcast is sponsored by Cozy Earth. I love Cozy Earth because everything they make is just so darn soft. We got some new bedsheets that we're really crazy about. They're like bamboo fabric. And one of the things— my mom came over for town, I guess that was last weekend, and I'd given her some pajamas that are from Cozy Earth, and she asked me if I had any more that I could give her because they're just so good. If you like things that are cozy and comfortable, I wouldn't want to be part of having them as a sponsor if what I was saying is not true. Their stuff is super comfortable. You can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson and use the code Jefferson to get up to 20% off. And they even have a 100-night guarantee, so you can try it before you decide you want it forever. But you're going to want it. Go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use code Jefferson for 20% off. I'm at a point in my life where if I cannot talk about the deep things We can be friendly, but we can't be friends. It's not because I don't like you. It's not because if you need something, I'm not going to help you in some way. It's not that. It's just you can't be my person, my friend, the person that I can share deep things, big things in life. Because things are happening in your life right now that are real. I'd be venturing to guess you don't share with people outside the people that know it. Maybe you haven't spoken to a child, an adult child that you've had for a long time, or maybe it's a sibling, or maybe it's a job that you wish that you had and you're unhappy with your career, but you're just not telling anybody and you're just lonely. You need somebody to talk to. And yeah, you have your therapist maybe, but they're not like a friend. Somebody you have to pay. I'm not saying therapists are bad. Therapists are great. I have therapists. It's you looking around and saying, gosh, there was a part of me when I was younger that I felt like I had people I can rely on. And I don't know if I have that. Maybe you're one of those that you have a lot more people in your phone. Than people you can call. So I'm going to give you some thoughts that have been— that I've been chewing on for a while on how to make better friends at this point of our life, because I can tell you, I don't want surface level. I no longer desire surface level friendship. That's— that might have been me when I was younger. That is not me now. I feel like when we were kids, you wanted to have a lot of friends, right? You get into high school, who can be most popular, who can know the most amount of people. In college, who can know the most amount of people. And it's like, as you go along that path, people kind of fade in and out. You start doing life and then you realize, hey, look, I'm not, I'm not going to school anymore. I don't see these people. I don't see people that I can talk to. And it's hard. Moms listening to me right now, you know, it's, it's hard. And some friendships just revolve around kids. I wouldn't know this person had I not, you know, their kid goes to my kid's class or goes to the same sports games, or there has to be some kind of thread. But maybe the connection is only because our kids are friends. It adds a whole different dynamic. And if you have advice on how you've made friends and how you keep your circle together, just put it in the comments of wherever you're listening, because it's going to help somebody. Just put it out. Put that kindness and that value out into the world and help, help me share it. So here's some thoughts that I have. Number 1, stop waiting to be invited. If you want more friends in your life, stop waiting to be invited. Just sitting on the bench and just eagerly looking for somebody to call your name. It's not going to happen like that. We're not in school anymore. If you want somebody to be your friend, Initiate. That means you have to be the one to text. Don't be in a position where you go, I guess they don't really want to be my friend, haven't heard from them in, in 2 weeks. Now, if they stop responding to your text, yeah, I can— that's, that's something that would indicate that there's not going to be a relationship there. But for you to just be afraid to even invite for the first time, yeah, there's a problem with that. Be the first to take the step. Be the first. Invite people over to your house. Invite people to wherever you want. Just invite. Stop waiting to be chosen and just sitting on the sidelines and feeling sorry for yourself that nobody calls my name. I'm not getting picked. Look at everybody else. You have to initiate. There is somebody out there for you. Before we get going, I want to take a moment to tell you about Monarch. One of my goals for 2026 is really to take the pressure off finances, not by avoiding the numbers, but by actually understanding and having a plan that makes sense. That's going to bring a lot of peace to my family because when finances, money things are clear, everything else feels clear and more manageable. And you really don't realize how much stress gets put on you and your family when finances are more in disarray. 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And maybe you're listening to me and going, well, Jefferson, look, I did send the text. You see, I've sent several texts. They haven't responded. I have invited that person, but they don't want to come, or they only came once. And, you know, that's not my fault. You're right. It's not. But here's the point: they did you a favor. They showed you right away they're not going to be your person. So what do you do? You find someone else. To be in a place to where you just sit and wait for life to come to you, including friendships and relationships— that is a place where growth does not occur. You have to be willing to invest yourself in a place where It is not just receiving whatever comes and hoping and praying and saying, I guess hopefully one day somebody will invite me. It has to be you actively doing it. Acts of will that you choose to invite somebody, connect something, put something together, even if it's something small. So rather than waiting to be chosen, invite somebody, call somebody. Number 2, Consistency. It's not enough just to do it once. If you want a friendship with this person, there has to be some kind of repetition, a cadence where, you know, you see them every month, you have a dinner every month, you have coffee every week, you talk on the phone. Think of the people that are— for those who have best friends, maybe it's your mom. You talk to your mom every week. Yeah, that person you talk to every day. The people you're around and you talk to the most. It's like that. It's being able to create repetition. I can tell you in my world, repetition is hard. Repetition is hard when you have a very busy calendar and you always feel in a hurry. And we've spoken on that previously in a podcast on the harmful effects of busy. And it affects and kills your relationships too. I'm at a place where I'm, I'm gone a lot. My family and I are gone a lot traveling, or I'm doing something. My life's a little bit different than other people in this, this world, but that doesn't excuse or make up for my need for friendship, my very close circle. So having that sense of consensus consistency, that repetition, that creating something, putting it on the calendar. Because you and I both know if it's not on the calendar, it does not exist. I have a guy I'm meeting tomorrow that I have had a few interactions with him. I think he's a good guy. I invited him to coffee. Why? Because I want to have a friendship with this person. Now, if it ends up that it doesn't really work out and we're two dads doing stuff, then that's okay. But that's intentional, where you create that repetition. I have to see you consistently, because otherwise what will happen is a whole year will go by, 3 years go by, and nothing happens. Or people you went to school with, and all of a sudden it's 8 years away, and you go, how long has it been? God, has it really been that long? Yeah, it has, because there wasn't any repetition that was built into the system. You have to be able to schedule it. And 3, Add about 5% more honesty and then 10%, like incrementally increase the depth, incrementally increase the depth. I said this before and I'll say it again. I don't want to do the surface level. What does that sound like? I'll say from my point of view, it's the dads that get together and they're like, you know, where are you from? What kind of business do you do? Oh yeah, talk about your kids. And you say what the kids are into. You talk about the weather and you don't go anywhere deep. You don't talk about struggle. You won't talk about marriage, the hard parts of marriage, the hard parts of work, the demands that are on you, the pressure that is on you. And same thing with— I know with when Sierra has relationship with other women, to talk about the things that are hard. If it's always the surface, if it's always about reality TV show or what's happening on social media, that's not the real world. It's, it's right here. And I know from when she talks to me, it's, it's— I feel like it's even harder on her because there's an almost a more unmeetable social standard for moms, especially if they're trying to hold career, social calendar, kids. I, I would explode my mind. Explodes my mind. That makes it even harder to create community if you don't have friends. But if you really want to have that depth, you have to incrementally, incrementally, piece by piece, crank it up. What does that sound like? That means instead of talking the surface level all the time, I want you to find a way to just take the risk of saying something that's a little bit deeper. Not much. I'm not saying all of a sudden you divulge all your skeletons and you say everything you've ever done wrong and you start just, you know, giving an overflow, too much, just love bombing somebody. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you ask a question or you share something that's a little bit deeper. So maybe it's an activity, a shared activity, and or it's coffee or whatever it is. You go to yoga with this one person or you meet up with this other person. You, you curate, you have to curate relationship with people, not just accept that it's coming to you. You curate it, you have to build it. Then you begin to say things and share things that are a little bit deeper inside you. Usually has to do with childhood. Then it has to do with parents, your own parents. Then it has to do with failures. Then it has to do with struggles of what you've learned and what they've learned. You need that in your life. And if you don't think you do, you are kidding yourself. Before we get going, I want to take a moment to tell you about Element, a company I'm proud to partner with because they make staying hydrated simple. Clean and effective. My kids call it salty water. 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If you don't love it, they'll refund you, no questions asked. Element: smart hydration for people going places. And now let's get back to the episode. There's nothing wrong with having a person. So if you're afraid to have one, listen to me, you need one more than you think. I need them. I need them. You have to curate it. And if you don't, it will be a very lonely place. That you just— it's like walking around a museum. You can only look and you don't ever feel like you're really part of it. So when you are able to make the choice to invite rather than accepting it to come to you, that you become proactive, you stop having excuses. When you build in that repetition of that shared activity, that shared meal, when you make sure there's a pattern of it that you schedule, have down in time, you know, this is when it's happening. That's how you build the consistency of a friendship that's going to last, that's continuing to build, not just a shot in the dark. Now, I'm not saying that you meet with somebody and go, you know what, we didn't really hit it off and there's not really chemistry, no vibes, so to speak. Like, I get that. Yeah, I get that. But that doesn't— that's not an excuse for going, well, I guess I tried. I'll never try again. No, you invite somebody else. You learn from somebody else. And then when the time is right— for me, it's sooner rather than later— if I can't begin to share things that are deep and meaningful about the raw in life, we can be friendly, but we're not going to be friends. I need people in my life, and you need people in your life, and you don't need to waste time on people that are only surface level. They have a purpose and they will be there, and there's nothing wrong with that. But more than you know, you need that outlet and they need you. There are people that are waiting on you right now to be able to share their life with and things that are hard on them and things that are weighing on them, and that you can say, hey, you know what, I've been through that too. Hey, you know what, I relate to that too. To be able to, to do that and be that for somebody. That's, that's a friend, and that's bonding. Adult friendships are hard. And if you have tips, again, I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments for other people. But I know what's helped me is when I choose to invite somebody, when I create repetition, and then when the moment is right— and you'll be able to discern this for yourself when it's right— you start sharing just a little bit more and a little bit more, because life is too short to just skim the surface. Go find you somebody who wants to talk deep. As always, you can try that and follow me.