In this conversational excerpt from the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, Speaker A asks how to respond when someone belittles or disrespects them. Jefferson Fisher outlines a series of low‑drama, psychologically‑informed tactics: 1. Ask for a repeat – forcing the speaker to restate the comment removes the immediate dopamine hit they seek and often makes them stop. 2. Mirror intent with questions – ask “Did you say that to hurt/embarrass me?” which makes the speaker reflect on their motive and backtrack. 3. Use strategic silence – pause 10 seconds after the insult to create distance and signal that you won’t feed the drama. 4. Label the behavior as below your standard – a brief statement like “That’s below my standard for a response” flips the power dynamic. 5. Role‑play and rehearse – practice scenarios (e.g., “still single?”) to be prepared. 6. Set firm boundaries with loved ones – when a family member is disrespectful, calmly state that you will not accompany them if the behavior continues, protecting both them and others’ perception of them. The dialogue also includes personal anecdotes (e.g., a daughter’s thrifted clothing, a grandfather’s crotchety behavior) that illustrate how the techniques apply across family and social contexts. The overall message is that by removing the reward for disrespect, using reflective questioning, and establishing clear boundaries, one can defuse belittling remarks without escalating conflict.
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How do you handle somebody that kind of belittles you? They're like picking on your weight or they're constantly like, are you still single? Like, you know, like people, like especially people that you're close with have a way of belittling you, right?
What do you do in those situations when somebody is belittling you or giving you an insult, hurtful comment? You make them repeat it because what they're hoping to do in that belittling comment is get that reaction out of you. And instead, you find a way to take all the fun out of it. So when you ask them to repeat what they said, you're not giving them that hit of dopamine that they're expecting from your reaction. They're not getting that response time from you. Instead, you're delaying that gratification for them. Then it's just not worth it. Then it's just not fun. And so when you ask them to repeat it, to say, I need you to say that again.
I'm thinking of like using this with a couple of people in my life.
Yeah.
We need to roleplay this.
Sure.
I'm trying to think of a scenario.
Like you just said right there, you're still single.
I need you to repeat that.
Yeah, you— so exactly. And I'm not going to want to say that again because now that spotlight is on me. And then also what you lead up with that is you ask questions of intent. For example, did you say that to hurt me? And now it's this mirror that they feel like Why did, why did I say that? Oh, okay. And then they start to backtrack. Then you don't have to say anything. But if often I can just repeat what they said. So if somebody says to you, oh, so you're still single? I need you to say that again. Most likely they're not going to say that again. But if they do, then you can even repeat what they said. I'm still 'Single? That's what you asked me?' And all of a sudden they realize this isn't fun. They're not going to ask that kind of thing again. Wow. Or you just ask that question of, 'Did you say that to embarrass me? Did you say that to offend me?' 'Oh, no, no, no, no, I didn't say that. What I meant was...' And all of a sudden they're backing away because they know you're going to stand your ground. Wow.
This is like very eye-opening because I can see both situations where I need to use it, and I can see situations where I probably say things, and I'm thinking particularly to my adult kids, that probably feels belittling. I can think about like our daughter out in Los Angeles, and every time I see her, she's wearing a piece of clothing that I don't recognize. And so I think to myself, And oftentimes I will say, is that new? And I'm thinking in my mind, where, where do you get the money for this? You know, like that kind of thing. And then she's like, yeah, I thrifted it. And there's this little tiff thing. But if she were to say to me—
if she was to ask you, are you trying to embarrass me? Like, exactly. Are you trying to insinuate something? Uh, are you trying to say something that you're not wanting to tell me?
Because you're right, the question is what I'm saying on the surface, but what I'm actually accusing her of is not being responsible with her money.
It's that mirror.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
And so it takes away the power of their insult. Wow. When you can take all the fun out of it, you take all the oxygen out of their room and they realize that they're not going to be able to control you with that reaction that they were hoping to get from you.
Holy cow. How do you respond to disrespect?
A lot of silence. So often, if you just wait 10 seconds, you're going to add distance between what they said and how you're going to respond. And that makes it very clear, because what they're wanting when somebody's disrespectful is the same way with belittling. They're wanting a reaction. They're saying this to get something out of you, because in that moment they're feeling something, whether it's a fear, an insecurity, whatever it is. You're understanding you're not going to deliver on that same plane that they are. You're not going to be on that same level. So if somebody says something disrespectful, you give enough silence to make sure that it's a little awkward. And then you're going to say something to the effect of, "That's below my standard for a response." And then all of a sudden, they feel like the dynamic has been flipped. That's below my standard of respect. Something as simple as that. All of a sudden, you're now making it clear that what you just said was beneath me, and I don't respond to things that are beneath me in that way. And so now you're taking control of it. Now you're leaning into it. What they thought was meant as a disrespect, they're now understanding that they're in the wrong place.
What do you do? I was with somebody yesterday who had just visited their mother. And I said to her, you know, like, "How did it go?" And she said, "Well, it was fine, but it's my mother. And the thing that drives me crazy is she is extremely disrespectful to anybody that is waiting on us at a restaurant. Like, so much so that the owner came over and said something to her." What do you— Is there a way to respond when someone else is throwing a fit or is being disrespectful, you know what I mean? Like somebody's getting testy at the airport, or— and they're, they're with you, it's not a complete stranger. Is there something that you can say to somebody in that situation?
Depends how your relationship is with that person. I would advise that whoever they're disrespecting, you don't join in it, and you make it clear that that is not your behavior. So you're going to be a person that is kind to this person. So I've had it before. My grandfather came with me to Walmart. This is a terrible time, uh, and he was, he was in a bad mood and he was crotchety to everybody we talked to. But I was the one that was, thank you so much for helping us, I appreciate it, thank you so much. Being overly, hey, I understand, thank you, making that eye contact with this other person. This other person's not having a good time. And then you have that conversation. I had to have that conversation with my grandfather.
And how did you do that?
I had to put a boundary. A very firm boundary of, if this is the way you're going to talk to people, I can't come with you. If you don't change the tone in which you're talking to people, Papa, I can't, I can't come. And so it very was, what am I saying? You're not being respectful to people. Yes, I am. I would not be telling you this if you had been respectful to people. And it's just having this, this conversation where they need to— it's the people you love, and often you have to be their, their biggest mirror of protecting them also for how other people see them. And so I love my grandfather. I want other people to love him. And that means I also have to make sure that I need to put— I need to prepare him in a loving way of being very direct. This is how you're talking to people.
Has he changed?
He has. We also just don't go to Walmart. So, if you enjoyed that clip and want to see the rest of the conversation, you can click right here. Or if you want to see the latest episode of the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, click right here, and I'll meet you there.
