How to Handle Tricky Conversations with Family & Friends

What is the overall approach to communicating with friends and family, especially when emotions run high? And I do feel that for friends and family, they also know how— well, family especially also know how to push your buttons.

Yeah.

So it is— maybe it is somewhat similar to partner, right? But what are some other things we should think about here?

Whenever you're talking to family members, again, there's that layer of love. Maybe, maybe not. I mean, that you're stuck with these people, your close friends. Here is a phrase that I've seen go wrong, and it is using the word "but" in the wrong place. So let's say we've been best friends forever, and I say, "Look, I love you, but you're driving me crazy," or "This is never gonna work," or "This is—" Whenever that happens, you just erased the "I love you." You've erased it. The "but" in a sentence has a way of just deleting everything that comes before it. Like, for example, if I was like, "This is a wonderful podcast. No, I really like this. This studio's great." 'But,' and I just decided like that. I just decided to say something else. It doesn't matter what I say. I've just erased everything around it. This is a great proposal, but what I'm thinking is— you just took away from it. Instead, you want to use the word 'and.' 'And' builds onto sentences. So in an everyday conversation or with somebody you're related with, if you can prime the conversation with, 'I'm telling you this because,' I'm telling you this because I love you. I'm telling you this because I care. I'm telling you this because you're my best friend. And then you say the hard thing, it's gonna go a whole lot better than, listen, you know, we've been great friends forever and you're just wonderful, but it's like when somebody has to break up with somebody. It's like, look, you're great. I think you're wonderful. And the person on the other end is just waiting for the but.

Yeah, they're waiting for the but. They're waiting for the but. Whereas if you said, you're wonderful, you're great, And I think we should just be friends. Yeah.

Oh yeah, exactly. I think you're wonderful.

That's a new breakup line, people. Yeah, exactly.

I think you're wonderful. I think you're great. And I know that life is pushing us in other directions. I mean, just whatever it is.

Yeah, it just sounds nicer.

Yeah, because you're not taking away from what's happening.

And you know what's funny? A lot of people come up to me and they say, you know, Sarah, I wish— I don't have good etiquette because I'm too honest. And I'm like, what? Like, since what?

I'm too perfect? Yeah.

What does that mean? Or they'll be like, oh, I have that really bad etiquette because, um, I'm not good at lying. And it's like, wait, like, okay, this person has no idea what the spirit of etiquette means. But I often just say it's, it's more about how you say things. And with etiquette, you can still absolutely say what you mean and mean what you say. It's just about the delivery, right? And And so saying the 'and' instead of the 'but' is such a powerful tip to use.

Yeah, and it's very small, very, very small, but it's a big, big change, especially if you're giving feedback to somebody or criticism to somebody. It doesn't take away that what they have. Well, I'm very curious, what do you, what do you consider to be the spirit of etiquette?

I always say etiquette is about putting people around you at ease.

Oh, I like that.

Yeah, and etiquette, it's contextual. So I could do something in America and then do something in China, and it would be interpreted in a very different way. So it could be something as simple as, let's say I'm drinking a bowl of soup. Well, if you're in China and Japan, you want to have a little slurp, you want to do little— because it shows that it's tasty. Whereas if you do that in France or England or in the US, that would be very rude.

You know, in the South, in Texas, I think we'd be okay with a little slurp. We'd be okay with a little slurp. There's nothing wrong with it.

This is why I was formerly a Southern gal.

I'm telling you.

I believe this.

Come on to Texas. It's a lot of the same. A lot of the same. Very similar. How cool. Making other people around you at ease.

I like that. Yeah, that to me is what etiquette is really about. How do you set boundaries without guilt and respond when someone criticizes your choices or crosses the line, which is what relatives love to do?

Yes, they do. One is no is a complete sentence. So if you need to say no, that's all you need to say.

I feel a lot of my female girlfriends, for a lot of women, it's hard to have no as a complete sentence. We often feel like we need to justify things like no because, right? But for men, it's just somehow men are just like no.

Well, it's a little bit different, probably, in gender because Well, lots of reasons, but let's try not to get canceled in the process, right? Yeah, no, no Chinese subtitles for that. But yeah, so number one would be no's a complete sentence if you need it. Two is no justifications. Whenever you need to lay a boundary, we like to try to make the other person feel comfortable with it because we don't want them to be disappointed. We don't want them to not like us. But typically when you add the justification, it just makes it weaker. And a, for example, let's say I need to lay a boundary about something and I need to say, I don't respond to these kind of comments, and if you continue to say these kind of comments, this is going to be the end of the conversation.

Let's say, and let's say in this, and your delivery, by the way, is just so sweet. It's etiquette.

Exactly. That's what we're all about. Like, in this, this, this was like an interview, I'd say, I don't respond to those kind of questions, but if you keep asking those kind of questions, that's the end of the interview.

Well, you know what I'd do if it were an interview? Yeah, I would just respond with a completely different answer. Oh, like, you just— yeah, that'd be my tack.

Respond what you want to say. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. Just forget the question, say what you want to say. I find when people say their boundary and they'll say, look, I don't respond to those kind of questions, I mean, I just feel like, you know, somebody asked me these and I try to just start watering it down, I try to justify. It's the same thing with trying to tell somebody no. To— maybe they invited you to dinner or to that networking event, and you say, no, I can't because I'm just— I am so overwhelmed right now, and, you know, I need to go feed my cat, and I need to water my yard, and I've just been, you know, so stressed lately. And the more you say, the more the other person is just thinking, just tell me no. Like, if you're making so many excuses It's not, I can just tell you're not wanting to do this, where being direct would be more kind. Well, in boundaries, it works the same way. It waters down your boundary, and the person that is most disappointed with your boundary is probably the person who's taking most advantage of it. And what I like to say is, if your boundary, just because it makes somebody upset does not mean it's wrong. It just means that it's working. And so a lot of people need to assert more boundaries, not in a sense that all you do is put walls around yourself, but it's about feeling the effect of what just your voice alone can do and change in your life.

Well, let's do a little role play around friends and family, and we're going to call it What Would Jefferson Say? So this is the awkward family edition, and scenario 1 is the unsolicited parenting advice. And by the way, all this is based on questions a lot of my etiquette students or etiquette followers have asked me. Okay, so scenario 1, the unsolicited parenting advice, where, you know, maybe a relative says something, you say, we're doing what works for our family, and the relative says, well, back in my day we didn't let kids have so much screen time, no wonder kids these days are so spoiled. And you're sitting there being like, I appreciate your perspective, but— Jefferson, how do you respond without blowing up or giving in?

I would say exactly what you said, just take out the word 'but.' Right.

I would just say, 'I appreciate your perspective,' full stop. Full stop.

'I appreciate your thoughts,' or 'thank you for that,' or 'thank you for your feedback.' When you have very neutral short statements, they can't do anything with it. Like, the shorter— what I even teach my own clients when they answer questions, yeah, is the longer answer you give the more questions you're going to get back, right?

Because you're giving them ammunition.

You're giving them more rope to make a knot with. So you just need to make it very, very short to where they can't do anything with it. So if I say, huh, interesting— like, sometimes we are great at the nonverbal things, or just where you're not really making words. You go, huh, huh, okay. Yeah.

And yeah, people can't argue with a huh. No, they're trying to think of how they should even interpret a huh, right?

And there's a lot of ways to huh.

You know, what are some of your favorite ways to tell us? Oh, what are the different ha's?

Well, my dad likes this one. Huh. Like that right there. Like a little—

like a short— what is that? That's giving me— I'm trying to think what vibes that— huh. It's like a— like a— it's like I'm not buying it kind of vibe.

It's also a good to know.

Oh, good to know. Yes, a good to know, huh.

That's just more of like a good to— good to know. Or if somebody's asking me something and I don't really necessarily agree with it, but they're wanting to just give me their opinion on how I should agree with it, it might be a mm-hmm. Like just one of those. Like, oh, okay. All right. Yeah, just simple as that. But anytime you say, let's put it in verbal context, if somebody gives you that unsolicited feedback or advice, there's nothing wrong with just a thank you. Thank you, period. That's all. That's all you need to do. Because right then, what is their whole point in giving it to you? One is they're controlling and they have their own control problems because you're not doing what they think you should be doing because it's not what they would do. Two, it's maybe because you are taking it defensively and they're actually honestly trying to give valuable advice, at least what they think it is. Maybe it comes from a genuine position so that you can't do anything wrong with just a simple Thank you. Where you get in trouble is, thank you, but I like how I do it, thank you very much. Like, whenever you have that very passive—

I feel a lot of Americans like to do that. They kind of— thank you, but I'm not gonna get canceled by Americans.

But no, you're good. You can do a lot of things before that happens, don't worry.

So the way I— because I'm a real prankster— the way I like to respond to these things is if, you know, if let's say that relative's like saying, you know, no wonder the kids these days are spoiled. I like to say something like, yeah, well, you know, either they're on the screen or you and I are not able to have an adult conversation because they're jumping all over us. Yeah, pick your poison. Yeah, exactly.

Or you could say, yeah, you know, if we had just stone tablets like you, I'm sure we'd be bored real quick. You know, like, I mean, if you want to like just totally rip them, there is a sense of what is the value of your time? And how much space does this person take up? What's, what's their worth to you? If they don't mean that much, give very little back. Yes.

And the older I get, the more I think about that. My time is so valuable. I'm not, not going to give people who don't deserve it my time or attention. Yeah. Okay, scenario 2: the 'when are you having kids' question, right? So your relative says, 'So when are you finally having a baby? You're not getting any younger.' And you're sitting there being like, 'Well, you know, we're just kind of enjoying life right now.' And your relative says, Well, don't wait too long. Family is everything. What would Jefferson say? Ooh, okay.

Let's say between somebody who's an acquaintance. Did you say, did you say who this person was?

Yeah, it could be a relative. It could be a friend. Sometimes your parents. In China, it's your parents are, are like, when, when you're studying, they're like, don't date. And then the day you graduate, they're like, why are you not married?

Oh, that's, that's very, yeah, very culturally different. That's China.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, also, also close to the South.

Oh, see, see, we are, yes. Our cultures are one of the same.

We're pretty much the same thing. One of the same. You graduate high school, go get married. Yep. No, I think that it depends who is asking. So if it's an acquaintance or somebody—

Let's do friends and family because we're in the friends and family section.

Let's do friends. Okay, friends and family section. I would ask them— well, here's two different techniques we could do. Okay. One, if you feel very confident in that moment, you could say, when I decide, Or when I'm ready.

Yeah, when I'm ready. Yeah, when I decide.

When I decide. When I'm ready. Or I get to choose. Anything that allows—

I get to choose. Love that.

Anytime you just remind them that, yeah, it's my body. Exactly. When I want to. When I want to. Or you can even— this is a little bit different with the acquaintance or friends or family— is if you ask them the question of not why, or it could say, what? So what does it mean to you?

Or, oh yeah, because then you maybe want to further understand it, because then maybe your parents are like, we want to have grandkids.

Or, yeah, or, what makes you ask? Yeah.

Oh, that is a great— I'm gonna— what makes you ask?

I'm gonna use that. And so a lot of the time it's— you find that it's a deeper— to just go, I just— I was just curious, so I just wanted to— I just want to know. So right now, all you're doing, like, the technique here— let's, let's get through all the fluff of where you are, the context of the person, like the matrix of the conversation. Is what you're doing is you're getting an unsolicited question that probably has some kind of undertone to it. All right, great. So all that means is you need to grab it and kind of toss it away. And so when you say, "What makes you ask?" now that question, original question, has been deleted. Now you're getting a different set. It's like you asking for a different set of pins in bowling. Now they're going to say something like, "Well, I was just curious, you know, in my family we do X, Y, and Z," or, "I just Whenever you get that answer, address that answer, because it'll typically come from a place of them caring, or they've just—

it's their own personal experience, right? They bring their own personal experiences into it. Exactly. What about scenario 3? And I have so many people have asked me this: the friend who never pays you back. So you're out to dinner again, the check comes, they forget again. So Jefferson, how do you confront a repeat offender without sounding petty or blowing up a friendship?

I just wouldn't eat with them. Absolutely.

That actually, that actually is, is what I've said in the past. Just don't, don't eat with them again. Why do you keep subjecting yourself to this? Because it's a choice. Like, you— when I, when I have friends who come to me saying, oh my gosh, you won't believe what my friend did to me again, blah blah blah, it's like, well, you are actually letting her do that to you.

It's that, uh, what's that parable or the story of the scorpion and the frog? It's like you— it's just the nature of a scorpion to sting. Like, you— there are certain animals that have their nature to do certain things. You don't be— don't be surprised when a snapping turtle snaps. Like, there's like—

this is a southern story.

Uh, I don't think that— I don't—

we didn't— we didn't get this in China growing up. Hey, this—

the scorpion and the frog thing's a real thing, all right? I promise you. And, uh, look it up. You can look it up, Google it, whoever's listening. And it's just that the The whole end of the story, the moral of the story is you cannot be surprised when it's somebody's nature and they behave the way that their nature has created them to be. And so somebody is never paying somebody back, they always flake, they always never live up to their side, that is their nature. So if you're going to invite them to dinner, your eyes wide open, yeah, then you should know I'm going to be paying for this. If I want to join in this experience, This is the cost of that relationship. And so instead of the, why can't we just split the meal 50/50 and have this awkward thing at the end where they say, oh, I forgot my wallet, or I can't whatever. You have to know in your head, this is the cost of this relationship to me. And if I don't want that, I just text them. You don't have to eat with them. If you enjoyed that clip and want to see the rest of the conversation, you can click right here. Or if you want to see the latest episode of the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, click right here, and I'll meet you there.