Skip small talk and start by asking for help: "I need your help with..." This shifts the conversation from adversarial to collaborative. End by sharing your own feeling of progress, ask how they feel, then stay quiet and listen.
If you're about to have a difficult conversation, do this. Number 1, don't start with how are you. Difficult conversations aren't the time for small talk. The first thing that should come out of your mouth is thank you for making time to talk to me. Number 2, your very next sentence is I need your help with X. I need your help knowing what to do about this. I need your help knowing how to feel about this. As long as you start with I need your help, you take it from opponents to teammates. Number 3, when it's time to end the conversation, you can wrap it up by saying something like, well, I feel more settled about this, or I feel like we're headed in a better direction. But you have to follow Follow it up with, "How about you?" and then just be quiet. Now, they might say something, they may not. That's totally up to them. But the important part is that you made space for it. And that's how you have a difficult conversation. So try that and follow me.
