How to Improve Your Communication in Romantic Relationships

I'd like for us to dive into communication across key relationships. So, you know, with your, your love partner, with friends and family, with coworkers, and with strangers. And because I feel that, I mean, those are kind of that, that's what makes up our social life and communication life. And I'm sure there are very different ways to thinking about how we interact with, with each of them. So let's start off with your partner, right? Whether it's your husband, your wife, or whatever. In general, how should we think about how we communicate with our partners?

Very different than how you communicate with an acquaintance. And I'd say it's even harder because these are people who know you. These are people who hopefully you love, people who hopefully love you. And when you have that layer of complexity to it, I would say the extremes are even more dynamic. So when it's low, it feels really low. When it's high, it feels really high. And if you and I are in a relationship, I know the things that are gonna hurt you.

Oh yeah, the triggers, yes.

And if I want to hurt you, I know exactly what button to press. It might be talking about your mom. It might be talking about your deepest insecurity of an appearance, or maybe, you know, the things that you are so self-conscious of that only that person knows. So that becomes very difficult. Or on the upside of it, the good communication is, on the good range, is that we can have a conversation that can go so deep and for so long that we can hold each other's attention and you feel like you are on cloud nine. You see people that are dating, the people you like the most are the people you can typically communicate the best with. I mean, there are other external features, of course,, but it's how the conversation went. Was it always engaging? Did you find this person interesting? Did you always have curiosity? Was there that feeling of, I want to continue to take another step and another step and another step in the conversation? Because really, that's right.

You're deepening it. You know, it's like date 2, date 3, date 10.

You know, yeah, I find that dating is just a really long conversation. It just goes on. Yeah, and it just goes on for a really long time.

And the indicator of a good date is when it's been a long date. Yeah, right. It's like if you go home early after a date, you know it's not good.

Yeah. And you know pretty quickly if you're like, uh, no, no, this has been great. Oh no, I'll, I'll text you later. Bye. And you know it's not, you know, you're ready to just get out of there, you know.

Everybody must want to date you because you're such a good communicator.

That's not true. Not true at all. And I find that the, the people who you want to be around are the ones you, you don't want them to leave. Like, let's just keep talking. You've been on the phone late at night, you're like, you just don't want to hang up. You don't want to put it down. I want to continue to talk to this person. It is a very long conversation. And so that's— that is a sign that you communicate really well. People who can communicate with you and be very direct, it's also very attractive. When people—

it is when someone tells you what they want, like, but in a kind and— well, with control, with confidence, etc., right? It is very attractive.

Very. Yeah. When people are more passive-aggressive, or people who have a harder time voicing what they want but yet still expect you to just understand expect you to know, you almost resent them for it and they resent you. And when you have these unvoiced expectations, it's harder to continue the conversation. So when somebody can be very direct with you and from a place of, I'm telling you this because I like you, I'm telling you this because this is what I need to say, it is a sense of, oh, well, thank you. Like you almost have a breath of fresh air when somebody is a good communicator who can voice their needs in a way that you think, wow, this person is somebody I can continue to talk with?

You know what's interesting? So I'm 39, and in my 20s, I, I was never good at voicing. I was not direct in relationships, and I had— I just didn't go very deep in relationships, or I didn't have the confidence to be direct, to say what I wanted, or to say what upset me. And in my late 20s and early 30s— and therapy was the best investment I ever made of myself. I became much more direct and confident, and I feel that I became more attractive, and I had more fulfilling relationships.

No doubt. I mean, and I'll tell you that when you feel more confident, it also spreads to everywhere else. Yeah. You feel like you can sit more confidently, you can talk more confidently, and in exchange, what you get is a better life. And in exchange, what you are able to do is find better people, find better partners, find better connections. When you can all start with simply what comes out of your mouth.

Yeah, I love that. So why do couples keep having the same fights, right? And how do you disagree without it becoming a full-blown argument?

Oh, those are good ones. What I like to say is if you haven't heard the end of it, you haven't heard the heart of it. Meaning it's very easy when you and I, let's say we're in a fight or an argument, and we keep bringing up the same point. Over and over and you continue to bring it up. What it's telling me is that I'm not hearing the real issue. You're only giving me the surface of the issue. I'm not getting to the deep. It's typically a deep need, a deep insecurity that I am not being forthcoming about. So whenever you have those, they're cyclical. It's always about the same certain thing. It's usually like if you wanna say, I don't know, let's say you want a joint bank account. I don't know, let's just put it like that, and I don't want one. All right, and we just continue to argue about this.

Typically it's, it's not the bank account, it's a fear, like a lack of security.

Yes, of I don't want to be relying on someone. Now I have this deeper fear of, well, I've always been independent. Now I have this further deeper need of protecting myself, and it's like this, I don't want to share myself. It is a It's like the further you go in the peel back the onion and the layers, you find that's the heart of the matter, that they're just not voicing. So you're only hearing the surface, you're not hearing the depth of that, that conversation. So a lot of times couples find they argue about the same thing because the person who has the problem, like if you're trying to pull it from someone, it typically doesn't go well. You need them to be able to give it to you, and that is from a position of not you saying things that are like, I just don't understand, I don't, I don't get, because typically you haven't been patient enough to ask the right question. You're only searching for the right answer, you're not searching for the right question.

So what is the right question?

Oh, it depends on the, depends on the context.

So let's say in this context, like the one you just gave, which is one person wants a joint bank account, the other person doesn't. Yeah. And they're kind of at an impasse. What should, what would be a good question?

Number 1 would be don't begin your questions with "why." "Why don't you want to?" Because what you want to feel like is, "Because I said so, that's why. Because I don't want to, that's why." Like, "why" can come across very accusatory.

Okay, it's like almost demanding that you justify yourself somehow.

Yes. "Why," typically in intimate conversations and difficult conversations, "why" comes across as, "I disagree with you and you need to prove it to me." That's what that kind of indicates, and as if you're challenging my autonomy to make that decision. And instead, when you can switch it to asking what or how, it's going to lead to a better outcome. So instead of the, why don't you want to do this?

How—

when I ask this, how do you hear that? Or how does that make you feel?

No, those are great. Those are great.

I'm going to practice these on my husband. Don't say you got them from me.

He's going to thank you.

Yeah. But yeah, when you can say that It's the, what do you, what do you feel, how do you feel. It sounds kind of woo-woo, it's not. It's gonna give you a much better answer than that, why don't you just do what I ask you to do. Like, right, that kind of thing is never going to—

when you say like, okay, tell me more, I kind of like one of those. Yes, those tips of yours. Yeah. And I feel that if, if you see your partner being triggered by you, something you said, and if you have the ability to know how to de-escalate it That is one of the most powerful skills you can bring to a relationship. And I think that's also why Benny Blanco is blowing up right now. Have you been following that? Oh yeah, Selena Gomez's fiancé. Have you— I mean, he's all over my For You feed.

Well, I can tell you I know very little of celebrity pop culture, but so wholesome. But I do know Benny because of his music Right. And so I'm big on that. And then also talk about the craziest couple ever of those two together. But you listen— yes, it's on my For You page all the time with this stuff. And of course, it's not until he starts talking and talking about how he's asking the right questions and de-escalating. When somebody can understand you and be almost your whisperer in a way of like knowing the right things that are going to calm you instead of continuing to burn your fire like that, all you say to yourself is, this is someone I can be safe with.

And, and so, and, you know, for Selena, it's like she finally found someone she can be safe with. Because even I feel like he— I mean, if my husband understood English, I would send him the clips of interviews of Benny Blanco, because he, he says things like, he says things like, yeah, you know, when I see Selena getting upset, I'll say, okay, you know, let's not let it get there. Like, let's talk about this. Or, okay, maybe I was being a little bit stupid. Like, those are the things he uses to to de-escalate. And yeah, and the great thing is I love looking at the comments, and all the comments are like, Selena, I get it, I get why you chose him. Like, it's all women. Yeah. And they're like, this is, this is what we need in a man— somebody who's present, who makes you feel safe, and who is, you know, a good, good communicator.

Yeah. The person who de-escalates you is— it's like another sign of someone who goes, can I talk to them? Can they build me up at the same time, calm me down?

So one thing my husband does, and I have to preface by saying he's an incredible communicator, very patient with me, when I trigger him and if we're on the phone, he'll just hang up. And it used to really bother me, but then, so what I did was I waited, you know, on a day when we were just like walking or we were both calm. And, and I, and I said, you know, when you do this and you hang up and then I call you and you don't pick up or you decline, it really gives me a sense of insecurity and makes me, and, and it really hurts me, right? So I just talked about how it made me feel. I didn't say like, oh, you always do this, or you blah, blah, blah. Mm-hmm. He'd done it a couple of times. I wanted to understand. I said, can you help me understand what is going through your mind when you do that? And he said, well, I hang up because I'm getting triggered and I don't want to say something I'm going to regret. So my way of stopping myself is by hanging up. And I was like, okay. And actually that helped me understand it better. Um, so now I'm just like, okay, well, he's gonna hang up and I know he'll call me like later on in the day, uh, when he's, when he's ready to talk. Um, but what advice would you have for me? Oh, in that situation, what would Jefferson say?

And you said he doesn't know English, right?

You said, yeah, but it's— I can translate.

Don't make him mad. Uh, well, there is— I, what I, I have seen a lot of time in communication, especially on the phone, that's really hard because you, you're only hearing somebody's voice. You don't— you can't see their, their face. It's even more nuanced in text when you're further removed, but at least on the phone you can hear somebody's voice, you just can't see their facial expressions. This is one I want to give you props for saying how it made you feel.

But you know, it took me— it like, it took me— I had to like actively think about it, you know? And then it took me probably a couple months into the relationship where I was finally like, you know, like, I want to know what's going on. Good.

Yeah, I think that's—

I mean, I am an etiquette expert. I was like, I just have to apply what I tell my students to my life, right?

Yeah, easier said than done, right? I know that people hang up on the phone is— everybody has done it and everybody knows someone who does. That's true. And it is simply a sense of their fight or flight in that moment. Instead of saying the— instead of fighting and saying the hurtful word to hurt you and fight you, it's the flight. We want to leave the room. We want to hang up the phone. Your body says this is threatening, right? He said, I feel triggered and my body needs to get out of it. Now what he needs to do is voice that in real time so we can talk what would be some recommendations. Before we do, I want to say great job of communicating that. If anybody is the type that hangs up on the phone, most likely what you're doing as a consequence of that is the person on the other line feels more alone. Yeah. And that in turn triggers abandonment issues when somebody feels like you're leaving me.

Luckily for him, I don't have abandonment issues.

There you go.

That's why I've dated plenty of men who have. Yeah. Um, but yeah, but it's true. If I had abandonment issues, like I would go haywire. We wouldn't have gotten married.

Right. Well, I'm sure because it makes you feel in that moment like you're doing it all alone. It is the same thing of leaving the room. You've now left the person in the room. They're still on the line and now there's nobody there and they're by themselves. And that is— I'm going to use this word corrosive, meaning it may not be that big of a deal the first time. It will be the second. It will be the third if you continue to make a pattern of it. Now, how do you say for him, How do you voice that? Now, he told you the right thing was, "It makes me feel triggered." What can he do to not do that again? Is use the phrase, "I can tell." I can tell? I can tell. Okay? And this would be saying, "I can tell that's upsetting me. I can tell I'm getting defensive. I can tell I'm getting frustrated. I can tell this isn't going well for me. I can tell this is getting difficult." Anytime you can say that, It's saying it rather than acting on it. It's this idea that I talk about, which is when you claim it, you can control it. So let's say you and I are in a heated argument and I'm starting to get defensive. There's a difference between me saying, "That's not true. That's not what I did. That's not what I said," and getting defensive. I'm raising my voice. I'm acting on the feeling versus you saying the same thing and I'm going, I can tell I'm getting defensive. I can tell, I can tell that's making me defensive. As soon as I say that, it's like me writing on a piece of paper and then just putting on the table for you to see it, rather than me acting on it. And that, when I act on it, it's not helpful. But when I say it out loud, you're going to go, oh, okay, what's— let me— now you're reading the same piece of paper, and now you know where I'm going. So if he could just say 'in the conversation, I can tell that's making me defensive.' Now you're not going to keep pressing that same button. Now you're going to know— I mean, you could. Now, if you wanted to, if you keep pressing him into the corner, then yeah, he is going to probably hang up or whatever his defensive mechanism is. But when he says, 'I can tell,' that's going to cue you in to make sure you're not trapping him. Like, you know, when you have somebody in conversation and you keep pressing and keep pressing?

Yeah, yeah. And you know when you're pressing.

Yeah, of course you do. And sometimes that's what you want to do. Yeah. And But just realize when you're doing that, they're gonna feel more cornered, more trapped. They're not gonna be any more likely to do what you want or listen to you or accept your point of view.

Thank you, Jefferson. This is brilliant. I mean, prior to receiving your advice, I would just focus on myself and making sure I wouldn't trigger him. But I'm gonna clip this section, add Chinese subtitles, and send it to my husband.

Oh yeah. Okay, awesome. If you enjoyed that clip and wanna see the rest of the conversation, you can click right here. Or if you want to see the latest episode of the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, click right here and I'll meet you there.