How to improve Your electronic communication (Email, Texts, etc)

How much of what you teach then can be applied to electronic communication? Because that is a way that many people converse these days, right? So sure, when we're face to face in a room with someone, we can apply certain things, we can pick up on non-verbal communication and get a sense of what they're saying to us. But on a text message or an email, things start to go wrong very, very quickly. Are there any tips that you have for us to use in that form of communication?

Yeah, so there's absolutely a place for the electronic communication. I'm talking text and email specifically. It's efficient. It does not mean it's effective all the time. Now, I can communicate with you face to face And in a text, it's gonna be very different. For example, this was a few years ago. My mom decided to text me out of the blue. She was asking me about the family car. It was a white Nissan that I had had through college and law school and had passed down through my siblings. I had no idea where it was. Out of the blue, my mom texts me and she said, do you know the mileage to the white Nissan? I said, "No, ma'am." She said, "You don't know the mileage to the white Nissan?" I said, "No, ma'am." This is all through text. She goes, "Okay, I just thought you would know the mileage to the white Nissan." I said, "Mama, I don't know how else to tell you. I don't know the mileage to the white Nissan." Immediately she replied, "That's fine, Jefferson. I just don't like your attitude." Like, she just read everything of she thought I was being disrespectful simply by text. And so what do I do? I instantly pick up the phone to call her. So if you want some tools on how to improve the text or emails would be one, when you can get on the phone with them, if you find that there's any type of dissonance, if you find that there's some kind of friction, hear their voice. Text does not convey emotional nuance. There's a difference between seeing the warmth of someone's smile and reading it in an emoji. I like to compare it to, you can describe a sunset, it doesn't even compare to seeing a sunset. Very, very different things. So they need to hear your voice. So if you find yourself running into conflict, use your voice. Number 2, there's a phrase that I like to use really for a lot of different concepts, but if you find that you're taking something personally, meaning you're assuming someone's intent for good or for bad, usually it's for bad. Begin with, did you mean? In text, I would say the biggest culprit is we, especially in relationships, you use very short language.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, sounds good, cool, all right. And you read the negative into that. Maybe you didn't put an emoji in it. And so they just automatically assume that you're upset, you're mad, or you get an email from somebody, a boss or somebody you work with, and they send an email and you feel like it's kind of rude. If you respond with, did you mean, did you mean for that to sound short? Did you mean for that to sound upset? Did you mean for that to sound curt? Like whatever it is, whenever you say, did you mean, it allows the other person some benefit of the doubt. To allow them to go, "Oh, no, no, no, no, sorry, I was in the middle of this. I was running an errand. I had just gotten out of the car," whatever it is. You're giving some more context rather than trying to take it personally every single time. I find that that is something that's gonna be very beneficial. And 3 would be limit the conversation. Don't write in paragraphs. That's not gonna go well. You wanna write very concisely. That makes it very much more clear. So if you can't say it really in 3 sentences, you need to rethink it.

That speaks to something I really wanted to talk to you about today on the show. Okay. And it's from page 14 of your book. So early on, and it's all about speaking directly. Okay, now let me just explain a bit of background to why I've underlined this paragraph and why I want to discuss it with you. So interestingly enough, as I think I've already shared with you, when I started going out with my now wife, she was a criminal barrister in London. And one of the things that we both noticed very early on in our relationship is that we communicate quite differently. Vid is very concise and very particular with her words and she's very direct. When we first met, I wasn't. I wasn't concise, and I certainly wasn't direct. I would go around the houses, right?

Yeah.

I don't know if that's an American phrase or not, but I wouldn't get to the point.

Beat around the bush.

Beat around the bush. Okay, right. Now, it's really interesting. Initially, I would say, because I wasn't used to direct communication, it's certainly not how I had more communication modeled. Uh, yeah, yeah, growing up, right? It certainly wasn't how I did things, and I think I had a lot of insecurity, so I would mask those insecurities by overusing words, overexplaining, overapologizing, whatever it might be, right? I would say because of that, or a consequence of that, was I found initially at least Vid's direct communication— sometimes I, I found it quite blunt. That's quite harsh. Yeah, you know, I still fell madly in love with her and married her, right? So to be clear, it might have worked. Yeah, but it's funny that the way I now see communication, I think, wow, that was awesome, right? Because one of the real benefits of the way Vid would communicate to me early on in our relationship was that, you know, she wasn't afraid to say what she thought. I would be, not because of it, just 'cause of my own personal insecurities, I would beat around the bush, right? And not get to the point. And I've learned over the years that actually speaking directly, you know, I would say a compassionate directness, I think it's just a wonderful way to communicate because you, you know, you're not imagining what do they really mean? I know when Vid says something, I know what she means. If she's happy with me doing something, she'll say it. If she's not, she'll tell me. I don't have to imagine. You know, was she just saying that? Yeah, right. And so can I just read this section back to you? It's your book, but I really liked it and I wanted to discuss essentially why you think speaking directly is so important. Okay, here it is. Speaking directly doesn't mean you lack empathy or consideration for the other person's feelings. Being direct means that you have the self-assurance that you can respect the other person as well as yourself enough to communicate your needs openly without fear. Jefferson, I freaking love that paragraph, right? I've been rereading it because I've been thinking, actually, that's something I still feel I could do better. Certainly in electronic communication, I would say I still probably write quite lengthy emails.

Yeah.

I still treat it like a card. I was writing, you know, dear whoever, hope you're well, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, which, I guess I would argue is polite, right? But where's the balance, right? So talk to me about speaking directly. Why is it so important, do you think?

Right. So this brings us into rule 2, the say it with confidence. Just because it's polite doesn't mean it's honest. Just because it's polite doesn't mean that it's kind. Clarity is kind, and it can— I mean, being direct can be sometimes and oftentimes much kinder. When we beat around the bush and we have trouble landing the plane in conversation, it creates anxiety, it creates resentment, it breeds miscommunication. Why? Because what you feel like you said and you made it so plain, totally lost on me. Let me put it this way. People who can be direct with you and tell you what they want— it's very attractive in conversation, especially in relationships, because it says this is somebody who's assured of themselves. This is somebody who knows what they want. This is somebody who knows where they're going. And a lot of the times you're removing the insecurity, you're removing the feeling of not feeling safe. So anytime you can be direct in conversation and we can talk every little tool about it, what you're doing is using your assertive voice. Most likely, and I would ask this of any of the listeners, is how was communication modeled for you in your life? Did your parents argue in front of you? Did you even see your parents argue, or did they argue behind closed doors? Did you feel like as a kid you could speak out and disagree, or did you feel you always had to be a little bit more quiet and let the other people talk, or when you wanted to disagree, you got squashed on and says, "Be quiet. You're to be seen, not heard." Yeah. And so understand that every bit of that, and hopefully even listening, there might be a light bulb moment where you go, "Oh, okay, maybe that's where it's really come from. Maybe that's why I'm feeling that." Or it could be culturally. I've definitely noticed a difference here in England of there's a cultural shift in communication. It is very polite. It is a little bit more indirect, a little bit softer. That doesn't mean that it's wrong. Understand that you will get to a place where eventually you feel like your voice is not being heard, and that, that can become again unhealthy.

Yeah, I love what you said there about cultures and your experience having been in the UK for just, what, 2 or 3 days now?

Yeah, 3 days. Yeah.

Um, and I would say that is a thing here, you know, where politeness is, you know, very much valued. Yeah. But it can go too far. I'm not saying we shouldn't be polite. No, for sure. But you can be polite and not say what you mean. Yes. Is that really polite?

Right.

Yeah. Which I think happens a lot here. Well, and I've certainly fallen into this trap before. Yeah.

Well, I mean, let me tell you, as somebody who's an expert on the UK, that is, I've seen some episodes of The Crown, I know that there is, there's certainly, I feel like, in the, the culture, a, you need to put up a face of peace. There is, we're all together. Everybody has the best face forward, even in times of internal conflict. You have to keep it all together. I don't know, it's post-war peace. I don't know if it's wanting everybody to feel like their unity is one. We have everything in order and there's a time and a place and what's polite and what's acceptable, what's not acceptable. So it's much more stringent in my opinion. Versus if you look at people in New York and you walk down the street, you're gonna easily within a few minutes tell a very big difference in the way people communicate. And even down in South where I'm in Texas, people communicate very differently. Doesn't mean that it's wrong, it's cultural. But yes, there's certainly, you're right, a time and place where being polite can go too far. I know, I read a study once on how much more people in the UK apologize and use "I'm sorry" than those in the US, especially women. And it was just wild to me of— now, I understand when I say apologies, I'm talking unnecessary apologies, not ones that you've actually made a mistake. It's the "I'm sorry, what?" It's the "Oh, I'm so sorry, I just not saw this." Or I had somebody 2 days ago, I ran into them by accident, and she told me she was sorry.

All right, so that is very impressive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, oh, sorry. And I was like, no, no, no, it was me. It was, it was me who did that. Uh, don't worry about it. Um, and so there's a lot of— I find when I'm listening, there's a lot of add-ons to sentences in the UK. So it's like they'll say something and then it'll be like, if you don't mind.

Could we argue that it's cultural, but it's also they're these phrases that we absorb growing up and we just start using, right? So literally, I think 2 days ago, I was in my kitchen with my wife, and I was— I can't remember who I was sending a text message to. I don't know why I'd be even reading it out. In essence, I started off with, hey whoever, sorry to bother you. Yeah. And then I was going to say what I meant, and and Vid said to me, are you putting sorry to bother you? Yeah, I think that's a good point actually, because if you really unpick that and just zoom out exactly, was I really sorry to bother that person? I don't think I was, right? So therefore, is that polite or is it actually disingenuous?

Yes, great word. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I didn't use it. So I was like, I was calling myself out going, actually, yeah.

Anyway, that's perfect. That— yeah, that's what I call undervaluing your words. So this is how you would typically start with, hey, hate to bother you. It's like, you don't hate it or else you wouldn't be doing it. I hate to bother you. Sorry to bother you. You can let me know if I'm wrong. By the way, anybody who says I could be wrong about this never thinks they're wrong about this. They always think they're right about it. Anybody who goes, I could be wrong about this, they don't think they're wrong about this. They think they're absolutely right about it.

This is bonus stuff that's not in the book. I love this. This is bonus context. Yeah.

Or I had somebody on my team last year I brought on, and she always would begin with, "Totally let me know if you hate this." And you know what? Once she started talking, the first thought into my mind was, "God, I hate this." You know what I mean? Like, that's what happens when you say, "Hey, I hate to bother you," and you go, after a while you go, "Oh, this is bothering me." Or this is very common in the US, they might say, "This is probably a dumb question." And what happens? The other person goes, "Oh no, no, no, no, there's no such thing as a dumb question." They're like, "Oh, you're sure? I don't have to ask my question?" And then all they do when you start talking is you go, this is the dumbest question. That's all you can think in your mind. So you're already undercutting your words. Instead of that, what I want you to do is use language that builds, use language that adds onto. So instead of saying, hate to bother you, you either remove it entirely, like in your text, great example, or It's, hey, I like to add on to a thought here. I like to add on to what you said. I like to continue the conversation, or I'd like to start a conversation about X, Y, and Z. You see how you're using forward momentum?

Yeah, I love that.

Yeah. And that's a whole lot better of adding on to, continuing, building upon, rather than the hesitant language that feels like, oh, no, you sure? Is that okay? Let me know if I'm wrong here. You're trying to be as inconvenient as possible, and that can be unhealthy.

When I write emails, perhaps to somebody who I haven't spoken to for a while, yeah, I will often say, hope you're well, at the start, right? Right. So I've noticed that my email communication and some of my teams is quite different. I guess you have to have a conversation about how are we treating email. A lot of the problems come when we don't have clarity. A lot of problems in relationships come from unmet expectations that were never expressed in the first place. Right, right. And so I've noticed I can write some quite lengthy emails. So I guess my question to you then, Jefferson, is not is there anything wrong, but how might you suggest I improve my writing style? Let's say I haven't spoken to, I don't know, Emily for a few months.

Yes.

Right. So I go, hey Emily, 'Hope you're doing well. Was just wondering if we could,' right? Or whatever it might be. Yeah. Would you say that 'hope you're doing well' is unnecessary? Because genuinely, I do hope she's doing well, right? So I don't think I'm lying. Help me understand that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can throw this in a lot of different contexts. So there are phrases that we use that we really don't mean. A lot. They don't mean anything. Most of the time they're adverbs. Like in the US, we have a problem with adverbs where we throw in just a lot. I just want to check in. Just eliminate the just. I wanted to check in. You see how much more forward that is? Just eliminate. You're eliminating the hesitant language or adverbs of any word that ends in ly, really. Essentially. So basically. Literally, clearly, obviously. Any of that stuff you just can remove. What I like to teach is instead of filling your sentences full of ice cubes, you need to serve your words neat. Find ways of eliminating the stuff that you don't need. Now you say something like, "I hope you're doing well." Do you think, is she sick? You know what I mean? Are you just hoping to find you well? I feel that that's also a very cultural thing. It's also a precursor of making yourself a little comfortable right before you say what you wanna say. Same thing with you saying, "Just wondering if blah, blah, blah, blah," instead of just asking the question, "Would you like to go out with me on whatever, whatever?" So anytime you are getting really fuzzy with your language, it creates a lot of miscommunication and it makes you sound more hesitant, makes you sound a little bit unsure and unsafe. Now, let me say, How can we fix it?

Right?

How can we fix that? So, one, you eliminate your adverbs. Two, I would, for emails specifically, let's say I try, my general rule is if you can't say it in 3 sentences, you need to rework it because it's lazy writing if they're long, meaning that you really didn't put as much thought into the actual words as in you're just trying to find a way to make yourself feel better. In that communication. It's the same thing with small talk before having a hard conversation with somebody. You feel like you have to kind of warm up the chat before you can actually say what you need to say so they're not gonna be mad at you or disappointed with you in some sense. There's that quote, I think it was Mark Twain. It said, "I would've written you a shorter letter if I'd had more time." Yeah. Yeah, so we often are not, we're not very choosy with our, with our words. It creates a lot of length, which again creates opportunities for miscommunication.

Yeah, I love that. It's something for me personally to reflect on. You know, certainly with each subsequent book I've written, I have very much challenged myself to make them as short as possible. You know, when I spend probably the same amount of time as writing it as I do editing it, because it's always like, no, You said that in 5 paragraphs. Can you say that in 3 paragraphs? Yeah, right. Really make every sentence count, which just makes it such a better reading experience for everyone. It's better writing every time. Easy to write 100,000, 150,000 word book, right? Just, yeah, blurts it all out onto the page, whatever. It's hard to compress it down to whatever, 40,000 or 30,000.

But it's worth it.

It's worth it. Totally worth it.

It's worth the effort. You take it— me as an attorney, right? I have to take often what's years of a problem with my client, and I have to distill it into very bite-sized things for the jury. They only have little questions on the jury verdict. Yes, no, percentage, amount. They have very short little things, meaning I have to take years of information, I have to take 5 books, and I have to find a way to give it to them in 2 sentences. And so, It's a habit of distilling words. It's simply a habit that you create of eliminating the excessive apologies. Instead of the, so sorry, I'm just now getting back to this, use words of gratitude. Thank you for your patience. And you know what the other person's gonna think? I am so patient. Yes, I am.

Thank you for that. Thank you for your patience could mean, damn, I've been really late replying to this. Exactly. So you're sort of assuming in a nice way, thank you for your patience. You don't know that they've been patient. They could have been mad for the last 10 days that you haven't replied to their email. You got it. Right? So is that disingenuous saying, "Thank you for your patience"?

No, because in some sense I would use it really in that sense as the noun. I mean, like, I find that anytime you're waiting for somebody's response, there is some sense of patience, whether or not it's conscious or unconscious. Or you say it's, "Thank you for the time for me to think about this," or, "Thank you for the chance to reply." I thank you for allowing me some time to sit with this. And whatever you're about to say next is going to sound very intentional. Why? Because you, you're taking time. The biggest thing is you don't want to say, I'm so sorry, so sorry, I'm just now seeing this. So sorry, I'm just not getting back to you. Why? Because you had priorities. You have life.

So this is really interesting. So actually, you're not sorry, right? Or you may not be sorry. It may be that, listen, yeah, just because you sent me an email doesn't mean that that was my priority at that particular time in my life. Or ever. Or ever. Yeah. So therefore saying I'm sorry for the delay or whatever, you know, this is kind of interesting, is it? It's one of those throwaway polite, or what we think is a polite phrase to at least acknowledge to that person, right? Hey, listen, you sent this 10 days ago. I'm only replying now. But there is an undercurrent there where you are being disingenuous because you may genuinely not be sorry. You may go, right. It could be that actually This is the first time I've had time in 10 days and the inclination to even address this email. Yeah. So you— why I'm pausing on these is because I feel I've got much better at removing these unnecessary add-ons. Yes. But they're still there, especially if I'm not paying attention, right? So it's not my— like, Vid, for example, my wife, she is naturally very succinct and concise. We've always had a joke about this in our relationship, you know. You know, why use unnecessary words? Say, sort of, you know, because it's like, yeah, yeah, she can say in 3 She will say in 3 words. Yeah, you know, and it's not always I love you.

I'm more and more team wife right now.

Yeah, okay, which is great. And I've learned from that. Okay, that's pretty cool. Yeah, it's well to do that. Um, so yeah, I just find— I find this whole thing about unnecessary sentences really, really fascinating.

Yeah, there is— I love it, and I also can't help it because when I hear people talking, here's another that a lot of people use, and it is, "Does that make sense?" They will add that to the end of their sentence, right? And I know why they use it. People use it because they want to make sure that what they are saying makes logical sense. Those of you listening might use it with your patients. If you're a doctor, you might use it with your clients, your customers, whatever it is. You're using it to make sure that what you said makes logical sense.

Which is a good thing.

Which is a good thing. Now, what the other person hears is one of two things. They either hear that you don't think they're smart enough, so you need to make sure they understand it because you don't think they got it. You don't think they grasped it. Or you don't sound like you know what you're talking about, so you have to make sure that you know what you're talking about. Does that make sense? You know, I mean, that's what happens. So a lot of the times, let's say for a doctor, they might be explaining something very, very, very high complex. And then they go, does that make sense? And the other person, they don't wanna sound like they're dumb. They're gonna go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. And then inside they're going, no, that does not make sense at all. Most of the time when people are asked, does that make sense? We say yes, because we don't wanna say no. Because we don't want to seem like we're the dumb ones.

Yeah.

So what I would change that to is, what are your thoughts? Or what do you think? Or do you have any questions? That's really what you're asking for, is engagement of if you have any input. And if you don't really want their input, it's better that you just don't say it.

Yeah, that one's really interesting because I do use that. Okay, I do. Yeah, so you were— yeah, I do use 'does that make sense?' Okay, and it's not bad.

No, no, I'm saying—

but okay, so this is really interesting. So maybe, you know, I would use it to ensure that— because I am keen that what I say lands. So I would make the case that I'm saying it out of respect to make sure that, hey, if it wasn't clear, please let me know, and I can and try and explain it a different way. Okay, but I agree with you also that it actually could— if you really want to check, um, understanding, for example, there are other ways to say it which could be better.

Absolutely. Yeah, that's exactly right. If you enjoyed that clip and want to see the rest of the conversation, you can click right here. Or if you want to see the latest episode of the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, click right here, and I'll meet you there.