How To Keep Your Cool When Facing Criticism or Attacking You Personally

There's something I've learned over the years about, and I'm curious how you approach this. And I don't always get it right and it doesn't always work for me, but a psychological strategy when someone is quote unquote attacking me or saying nasty things about me that I don't believe are true, or maybe it's just I don't like the way they're saying it and I don't want it to penetrate my heart and my soul. And be reactive and defensive and rigid and frustrated and all these things.

When the brow goes like this.

Yeah, exactly. One of the psychological or therapeutic strategies that I've learned is to imagine either a field, an energetic field around me that I can see it but then it bounces off. Okay. The words, the intention, the energy, it comes and then boink, it just goes around me and like water off a duck.

I feel like there's a Star Wars reference, but yes, exactly right. Yeah.

Or what I'll do is I will separate the ego from the self and I'll have the ego over here next to me psychologically.

Yeah.

And an image of it, the ego of me here.

Yeah.

I'll just say, oh, they're just speaking to the ego.

Yeah. And there's attachment.

They're just speaking over here. I'm not actually speaking to me. Yeah. They might be looking at me, but it's just redirecting right here. Right. Oh, this doesn't affect me.

Yeah. They're talking about that guy. Yeah.

And I saw, I think I saw, I think it was Salma Hayek one time talk about this. She was giving examples somewhere online about how if someone spoke to you really poorly in Spanish and you don't speak Spanish, you're not going to get defensive. You're just going to be like, okay, I have no clue what this crazy person is saying to me. Okay, so just act like it's a different language. Right. At least it's different ways of separating yourself from that.

Yeah, I like that too.

Or the potential pain.

Yes.

What have you learned to support yourself psychologically and emotionally and spiritually when this feeling of panic or stress comes your way or when potential attacks come your way emotionally?

So very similar to yours. I, in my mind, I visually have a trash can next to me.

Oh, okay.

All right. And I can see it. It's one of those big, huge gallon ones. Yeah. It's the black. Sure. Shiny.

It's— We'll put it out there.

You got it.

Yeah.

And I see what they're saying is just a shoot. So I can see the words coming and I'm sifting because the issue they're telling me is not the real issue. And so if I hear something that's offensive, that's not nice, I just— okay, that's trash. Let me just— I'm just— in my mind, I grab it with my right hand, lift up and throw it.

Wow.

Like, that's, that's what I'll do with my, with my thoughts. And I'm sifting to where if they might have led with something that was snarky, which our inclination is to grab onto that and send it back to them. Yeah, send it back. And oh, I just—

I got a good one coming.

Instead, yeah, you got it. Instead, if I throw that one away, if I just trash it, and then I found the one word that they said at the very end, towards the end, that was, that was the one word. And then if I focus on that word, then it all starts to kind of crumble. But that's— I just imagine a trash can.

Wow, that's interesting. Now, how do you not— how do you communicate your worth when someone is being offensive or adding a little digs underneath their language? Maybe they're trying to get a message across and they're frustrated, so they're saying a few things that would be offensive to you potentially, or maybe hurt you, or maybe kind of put you beneath. Yeah. How do you create a boundary consciously with them so that they don't keep doing that? In the future where it's letting them know, hey, this, this type of communication doesn't really work for me. It's not okay. And owning your worth.

Yeah.

While also being able to throw it away at the same time and not let it get to you. Like, how do you navigate that so that that doesn't continue to happen in friendships or relationships or in career, right? Where that doesn't continue. Like, I understand we can do it once or twice, 3 times, but if someone's always doing that to us, right? How do we create that boundary and consciously communicate our worth?

Depending on the context of who that person is, you know, who they are in your life. So some people you just can't get away from, I mean, or family members, what have you. But it's a balance of your value and then what we're going to just call as what I'm interested in. So if somebody were going to say something that's offensive in a way and they are pushing me It's a much more powerful move, a very dominant, assertive move to say, I'm not interested in returning what you just gave.

Oh, wow. That's a power move.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And see, it's—

So if I say, Jefferson, you know, it was pretty idiotic what you did the other day to me. And I just didn't, you know, yeah, you just looked like an idiot. But I, what I really want to do is, as I'm moving forward, I want us to go and do this thing instead.

Right.

Or whatever. I'm just exercising something.

Yeah, I'm with you.

How would you respond to something like that?

So if somebody, well, what you kind of did was you like hit it into something else that they did. So what I would first do is call that out. I hear two points.

Yeah.

And so I'm like, I'm not going to skip that. So, okay.

So you want to just throw the trash away right away.

You got it. You want to address it. Well, because they're trying to hide the trash in the good. Yeah. And so my response is, well, I see two different things. So that first point, I don't have an interest in responding to whatever, or I'm going to say, well, maybe I did look like an idiot, but I'm not going to be holding on to whatever message you're trying to send to me. But it's a much more dominant move to say, I have no interest. In returning what you're sending, right?

I have no interest in calling you what I saw yesterday you do, or something like that.

You got it. But if you use the phrase, I have no interest, I have no interest in, in talking about your opinion of my performance.

Oh, interesting.

You know what I mean? Like, it's obviously that's not something you want to start off with because that could sound, that could sound defensive, that can sound issues, but The point of it is when you say, I have no interest, you're letting them know, like, I don't have an— it's like you're saying that as you're doing the trashcan thing. I really don't have an interest in, you know, this, this kind of food. It's not great for me. Doesn't really settle well with me. But what does taste good is what you said, you know, about X, Y, and Z. And so you kind of imagine those words as part of, let's say, it's kind of, you know, your diet. Sorry, I'm a little lactose intolerant, but Right. So let's skip the milk and talk about something else.

What are the 3 power moves in conversations that really set you up for success in any conversation?

Number 1 is silence. Just nothing. So if somebody were to say something that's snarky, the best move is to say nothing. You just kind of sit back. And you look around, you look up, you look off. I'm telling you, 9 times out of 10, they can't take it.

Really?

They can't take that silence because then, then it's spread out. You've just exposed— instead of you covering it up with something else that says, excuse me, what did you say? You're just leaving it open. Kind of like that. I really wish— that the best foot you're gonna put out right now. You got one. You go, that's the one we're going to choose. And if you just let that silence sit there, oftentimes— and you probably heard this— they go, I shouldn't have said that. Yeah, you gotta give them that chance.

That's number one.

Yeah, number one is you got— you gotta give them the chance of that silence. Number two, acknowledge that it could be without acknowledging that it is. And you say, for example, of saying, well, maybe so. Maybe you're right.

And I say you're right, you know, but maybe you are.

Maybe, maybe you're right. But it's that piece of humility that says, yeah, well, maybe you're right. I had a guy once who said I was deposing him and, you know, all these, all you lawyers, worst things that ever happened to America kind of talk. And I said, well, maybe you're right, but today's just going to be a conversation between us. Is it okay if you're just talking to Jefferson? And he said, yeah, I can do that.

Wow.

And so it's that ability to just say, well, maybe so, but I could have, I could have gotten really defensive with him. I could have, I could have chosen to take that personally instead of just dropped it. The other power, other power move is to hold off on the timing. So when you are mad, that's generally not the best time to do it when, like, when, when you know you've done something wrong, you want somebody to be mad at you, to like, fight me, please. Like, I know I've done something wrong. Let's, let's have this out. We'll talk about this. Can you— you want to talk about this at noon? All right, let's talk about it.

Let's put it in the calendar for tomorrow.

You got it. Let's— oh, oh, well, I'm okay. And it's— well, I'm, I'm glad, I'm glad you said that. Well then You know, I don't really have my thoughts together on that, but, um, why don't we call in to talk about that at noon tomorrow? What do you think? Now they're like, oh my God, like, I just said something that I shouldn't have said. But that's a much better way of, of, of handling it, because at that point you have not lost any confidence, right? You have not lost your credibility. And you've maintained that you're the one in control at all times. I'm telling you, the key is just starting with your breath and choosing to be quiet. Right. And if you were to— if you were to say something to me and I responded right away, like if you were to say, I don't know, do you— do you— do you enjoy matcha tea? I go, no. Versus me thinking, no. Like there's just a different connotation to it when you think about it.

Yeah. About 14 years ago, someone gave me a line that became one of the most powerful uses of language over the last 14 years to help me get almost anything I want or more of what I already have. And I use it all the time when I go order a coffee, I use it. When I go to a hotel and try to get an upgrade, I use it. When I'm working with partners and collaborators, I use it. And the line is, what's the chance? What's the chance you give me a discount on this? What's the chance you can give me an upgrade in this hotel room? Yeah, what's the chance you can get me in first class? Yeah. What's the chance we can collaborate in a bigger way?

Yeah.

What's the chance you can go a little more on this? And I've used that over and over again because it continues to work and I almost use it as a game daily.

Yeah.

Any store I go into, I'm just like, what's the chance you got 10% off on this? Yeah.

Just to see what they say.

You can make something happen. Yeah. Because if you don't ask, you're not going to get it right. And it's just like a way to be playful. It's a way to like see, can I enroll someone in something that I maybe I shouldn't be getting? I would get—

yes.

And it often works where the unexpected happens. Is there another line of communication that you use, maybe even unknowingly, that you use consistently that seems to just help you enroll people in more of what you want?

So I do. I absolutely use the What's the chance?

Really?

Yeah. So I will use that when it feels like a circus, like a stalemate between the other attorney. And look, what's the chance that your client's going to be able to do X, Y, and Z? Also, I will try to separate the attorney from the client, same way I do with like the reception clerk versus the hotel. I, I make sure that I acknowledge them as the person because I acknowledge their struggle of what they're going through, right? And so if I talk to the attorney of, look, I can only imagine, you know, all the updates you're, you're having to do or all the work you're putting through. I, I know that this is how you're doing the best thing you can for your client. I mean, between me and you, what, what's the chance that we can do X, Y, and Z? Or if I were to do Or if I were to say, or if my client were— if I were to encourage my client to do this, is that something that I should do? And it gives them something to think about, right? The same way, like at a, let's say at a hotel or something like that. I can only imagine you just been— how long's your shift? Yeah, 7 hours. Oh my gosh. Yeah, that's going to be— and so you just, yeah, you kind of create that connection with them that says, I'm talking to you individually as a person rather than seeing you as the whole. Then, because that's who they are.

Yeah, exactly. That's powerful.

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