How to Sound Assertive: Tips for Confident Communication

Today we're talking about how to sound more assertive, that feeling of being honest and direct, but at the same time respecting the other person. What does it sound like and how can you do it right away? Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to subscribe to this channel and please leave a review. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. When you need to sound more assertive, here's what I want you to do. Number 1, stop over-apologizing. This is where you say, I'm sorry, so sorry, in every single sentence. I know it's a tick. I know it's a habit, but you gotta stop, and I'm gonna explain why. Number 2, stop undervaluing what you have to say. That's when you downgrade your comment before you even get it out. Again, this is hurting your confidence and we're going to dive into it. And number 3, get comfortable with the word no. Get comfortable disappointing people. No is a complete sentence. I want you to think back to a conversation where you wish you would have sounded a little bit more assertive. Maybe it was at home with a partner or a spouse. Maybe it was at work with a coworker or a boss. A time where you wanted to be honest. You wanted to be direct. But you just couldn't find the words. Think back to that conversation in your mind and wonder, what could I have said differently? And here's what I need to tell you right out of the gate. If you don't find your assertive voice, you will be walked over. It will affect your confidence and it will affect the trajectory of your life. It sounds harsh, but it's, it's very true. Now, in my life, where I found that I struggle with assertiveness the most was any time I was new somewhere, maybe it was a new school or a new law firm, and I felt like I was crawling into it. I found myself being deferential to anybody and everything, even at the sake of my own well-being and my own boundaries. But what do you do? You're new. You feel like you have to do it. Well, that's not exactly true. When you find that assertive voice and you're able to say what you want to say and do it respectfully,, it will change your life. And I mean for the better, because people will take notice. Your reputation will change, your credibility will change, and man, that's the good stuff. So I'm gonna throw out some scenarios to you and you let me know if any of them ring a bell. You walk in 1 minute late to a meeting and the first thing outta your mouth is, hey, so sorry I'm late, when you throw all of your stuff down. Or it took you 2 days to respond to somebody's email and the first word in your response back is, So sorry. So sorry, I just saw this. Sorry, I am just now getting back to you. Or you're trying to get somebody's attention and the first thing out of your mouth is, so sorry. Hey, so sorry, 2 seconds. Hey, so sorry, I just need to talk to you for a second. You gotta stop. Listen to me. You have to stop. Those aren't apologies. And if they are, well, then you're just apologizing for all the wrong things. You're apologizing for your existence. You're apologizing for your time and you're apologizing for your priorities. These aren't real apologies. All right. You're finding ways to feel like you're an inconvenience to someone. But let me tell you, your, your, your worth is far more than just trying to feel that you're not an inconvenience to someone, that you always have to prove that you're not an inconvenience. So we're going to fix that. And the way to do it is instead of saying, I'm sorry, you're going to say, thank you. All right. It's as simple as that. Instead of saying, I'm sorry, we're going to use words of gratitude, like I appreciate or thank you. So if you come in walking into that meeting and you're 30 seconds late, you're 1 minute late, nobody's expecting an apology for that. Now, if you're 5 minutes late, I think it's absolutely the right thing to apologize because at that point you're wasting their time. But if you're just a few minutes late, if you're barely over the line, it's okay to say, "Thank you for your patience. Thanks for waiting on me. I appreciate your time." That is assertive. Or if it's in the context of you sending an email to somebody, instead of feeling like you need to say, "Hey, so sorry, I'm just getting back to this." Just respond, "I appreciate your time. Thanks for your understanding. Thank you for your patience." These are all things that they're going to say, "Oh yeah, well, you're welcome. I do have patience. I do have understanding." Instead of you going, "Hey, so sorry," this less making you feel less in that way. It's instead you're being assertive with it. You're standing in your presence and saying, "Yeah, I had other things to do." I appreciate your patience though. In the context of the conversation of telling someone, hey, so sorry, can I have 5 seconds? You just erase it. Or you say, hey, when you get a moment, I'd appreciate some of your time. Or I'd appreciate some of your time when you get a moment. When you use words of gratitude, it is a cycle of saying, I am showing gratitude for your time. At the same time, they are appreciating your presence in the conversation. Rather than you always apologizing for it. Now, a separate but related topic to over-apologizing is number 2, downplaying your words. Here you are cutting down what you have to say before you even get it out. And you know what these sound like. For example, I hate to bother you, but, I mean, this might be a dumb question, but, you know, probably better than me, but, these are all ways of chopping down what you have to say before you get it out. And what's worse is it makes it look like you have an insecurity when there may not be one. For example, when you say something like, well, I hate to bother you, but I have this question on X, Y, and Z. Well, before they actually answer the question, you have to have this mini conversation about whether or not what you have to say does or does not bother them. And 9 times out of 10, 99% of the time they're going to say, oh, that, that, you're not bothering me. You're fine. And you go, oh, you're not. Oh, okay, great. You're inserting something that's totally needless into the conversation. And I know why you're using these phrases. All right. I know why you're using them because you want to sound deferential. You want to sound like you're coming in from a low angle, a low perspective rather than a high angle, as if you already know everything. You expect them to want to talk to you. So when you say, I'm sorry to bother you, you're trying to sound less harsh in the conversation, but you don't sound that way. It makes you sound like you don't believe in what you're saying. So the key to getting rid of downplaying your words, it's just not to do it. You erase these phrases from your conversation, or what I like to do, and I recommend, is that you add on to it. So for example, in The scenarios where you say, hey, this might be a dumb question, but— or this might be a stupid question. Instead, say, hey, can I build onto that? Or, hey, can I take that further? Or, hey, there's something I'd like to add to that. When you add to conversations rather than shying away and taking away from them, it makes you sound far more assertive. And there's something else I want you to understand about no. Number 3 is no is a complete sentence. And here's what I mean by that. Stop feeling like you have to overexplain or justify every action or inaction that you take. When you say no, period, and leave it at that. Somebody asks you a question and you say, no, no, instead of overexplaining and saying, well, no, because, well, you know, I had that thing and yeah, I got the dog and we got this and we got that. All of a sudden you sound less assertive and you water it down. No is all you have to say. So the key here is to stop adding because to the end of no, because it'll add more words to it. And the more words you add, the more it sounds like you're needing to explain and to justify when often the only word that you need to sound assertive is no. Now we're at the part where I am going to read an email from a follower. If you are not part of my newsletter, I send out one email per week It's a communication tip right to your inbox, totally for free. And for those who respond and have questions about things, I'm able to answer them. And so a lot of fun. This one comes from Daniel over in Canada. Daniel says, hey Jefferson, I love your comments, your content. Thanks, Daniel. I find myself over-apologizing constantly in my communication. I know I'm supposed— not supposed to do that, but what are some practical ways I can help remind myself in the moment? I got it, Daniel. Well, it's a little hard because it's my understanding. I've never been there, but people apologize a lot in Canada. Sorry. And I might be wrong, but I think it's a cultural thing too. So it's not all your fault. But if you want a very practical way to stop apologizing when you don't need to, I have a little tip you can use. Now, this might be a dad joke thing. I fully admit that now that I'm about to say it, but it works. Every time you're about to say, "Hey, so sorry," or "I'm sorry," when you don't need it, tell yourself in your head and catch yourself, "I'm not sorry. I'm Daniel. I'm not sorry. I'm Daniel." It's a reminder of who you are in that conversation. You're not who your apology is. You are who your existence is. You lean into that. So I am not here to talk about my apologies. I'm here to talk about who I am and what I need and how I need to assert my needs into this conversation. And it's a very quick way that you can do that. And I hope it helps. All right. I got another one. This one is from Ashley up in Maine. I've never been to Maine either. I guess I just need to travel more. Ashley says, hey Jefferson, I love your short practical videos. Thanks, Ashley. I find myself always cutting down my words. My tick, my habit is to say, I could be wrong, but. So I get that. The I could be wrong, but it's a very easy phrase to slide in. The reason you're wanting to say that is because you don't want to sound like you're a know-it-all. Yeah. It's, you're not wanting to sound like you're always right. Like you always know the answer. So it's a little easier for you to hedge and say, hey, I could be wrong, but. It doesn't make you sound like that, right? Just like we talked about, it makes you sound like you don't believe in what you're going to say. And I have a trick that I use with my own clients that I know is going to help you. I want you to imagine, Ashley, all right, that you are an attorney. You have a suit on. We're in a courtroom and it's full and you need to speak on behalf of your client and your client is you. It's a duplicate of you. It looks just like you, sounds just like you, wears exactly what you're wearing right now. And your client's sitting down in the chair and you're the attorney. You're in a full suit and you're standing up in front of everyone and you have to speak on behalf of your client. And what are you going to say? You're going to say, my client needs to feel understood. My client isn't going to accept that. You're going to feel much more justified, assertive. You have to stand in that place of what your client needs and wants because you understand them. Well, instead of saying my client, actually, I want you to tweak it and just say I. Instead of saying I could be wrong, but say I need to know what's going on in this conversation. I need to feel understood. I need X, Y, and Z to say I need instead of my client needs. It's going to make you feel like you have a brand new personality. And now you can see where you always say, I could be wrong, but instead of just getting rid of that and saying, I need to make sure that I feel understood before we end this conversation. You see how more assertive that makes you sound? If you can do that, it's going to help your mindset the next time you find yourself in that situation. The thing to know about sounding more assertive is that it helps you feel more confident. And the more confident you feel, the more assertive you're going to sound. So it is a positive feedback loop. And it really can change everything because how you sound to somebody can change later. Let's say at the workplace of who gets chosen for what, who gets promoted, who gets demoted, whose reputation is a certain way, how you get known, what your credibility is because you say what you mean and mean what you say. How you say it and what you say is everything. And when you use an assertive voice is going to make sure that more success and more positive things happen in your life. If you want to support this podcast and improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to please subscribe to this channel on YouTube or follow the podcast on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. And as always, try that or follow me.