How to Stand Up for Yourself and Speak with Confidence

Here's a hard truth. If you don't advocate for yourself, nobody will. And if you don't assert your needs, let's face it, you will get walked over every single time. At the end of today's episode, you're not going to have to worry about it. We're talking how to stand up for yourself. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to please follow this podcast. And if you would leave a review, if you have any topic suggestions or feedback, just throw them in the comments. The first thing to know about standing up for yourself is knowing when to do it. Because number one, not everybody's worth getting out of your chair for. It is a know your worth mentality. And we're going to talk exactly where you need to go in your mind leading up to these conversations. Number 2, get rid of the verbal disclaimers. These are little statements you say before you say what you need to say. Like, "Hey, I'm sorry, but I just feel like maybe..." We're going to talk about getting rid of those and how to do it. Number 3, stop justifying the nos. Stop having to feel like you need to explain yourself on and on just because you turn somebody down. When you do that, it takes away slowly from your self-confidence. And I don't want to see that. Now, maybe nobody's told you this, but just because somebody has said something does not mean that it requires a response from you. Just because they throw a pitch doesn't mean you have to swing. You just let it go by. There's this idea in our head that because somebody gave us an opinion, we have to give an opinion back. That's just not true. When it comes to standing up for yourself, it is often the person that is not worth your time that you don't need to give attention to. Often that's the exact opposite of what we do. We find ourselves trying to justify and explain to people that do not matter in our life. The people that rank low in our priority list, but yet we feel like we have to prove something to them every single time that we talk. Eliminate that concern. When people play chess, it's expected that you're going to take a pawn. Nobody freaks out about it. Nobody loses their mind when somebody takes a pawn because they know the value is not the pawn. They can take a rook, okay. They want to take a queen, that's different. Understand that there's going to be lots of different conflicts in your, in your life, lots of different conversations. They are not all the same. The, the feeling you get by talking with certain people, those friendships, where they rank in relationship to you, they're not all the same. So what I want you to understand is stop attending every argument that you're invited to. Just because somebody gave an opinion and said something to you, you have the choice of just letting it go. Saying, that does not require any response from me. That is not worth my time. That's why I say it's a know your worth mentality. Before you stand up for yourself and feel like you have to say something, ask the question, is this person worth getting out of my chair for? Is this somebody that actually needs part of my energy? Because there is a strength and a wisdom in conserving your energy and protecting your peace. So the next time that happens, I want you to go through that filter and ask yourself, is this person worth getting out of my chair for? Because I, I know my worth. And please understand, that goes for anything that they say. Just because they spew out garbage does not mean we're in the business of picking up trash. Let me say that again. Just because they spew out garbage does not mean that you're in the business of picking up trash. You can politely tell them where it should go, and it's not going to be on you. So understand that part of protecting your peace is understanding, I know what they're saying is not worth my time. I'm going to take it and set it aside. Personally, what I do in my, my own life is I have a wastebasket, all right? I have a trash, um, bag right next to me in my mind. And if somebody says something I don't like, rather than me feeling like I have to throw it back to them, I have to pick up that trash, that gross nasty thing that they said, and give it right back to them, I just take it and move it over and put it in the trash. You can say like at a computer or a laptop, you just get it, you drag it over, and you put it in the recycling bin, and then you delete it. You don't have to worry about it. You don't have to carry it. So understand, just because they throw out garbage at you does not mean that you're in the business of picking up trash. When you have to advocate for yourself, part of that mindset is knowing how to go into it. Too often there is a hesitancy to say what you need to say. We treat it like it's a— I don't know, what do they have, like the cold plunge? Or a pool that's filled with cold water. If you tiptoe into it, it's much worse. When you don't say what you need to say right out of the gate and instead you slowly walk into it with these little disclaimers, what I call them. This sounds like, "Hey, you know, I've just been— I just feel like I need to say this, I guess. It's— and maybe I'm talking out of pocket here, but—" You ever heard that? You ever said that before? When you say, "Ah, yeah, I mean, listen, I'm sorry, but maybe, you know—" I'm just feeling more like you are trying to hesitate saying what you need to say. Like you want to smooth it over. You want to hedge to make sure nobody feels like you're being too direct with it. But when it comes to asserting yourself, when it comes to stating your needs, nobody's going to do it for you. Remember, you're the one that has to be bold and out in the open with it. So think of it as that cold swimming pool. If you walk right into it, it's going to not feel great. It's not going to look smooth. It's not going to feel smooth. You either have two choices: you don't say it at all, or you jump right in. When you see people doing that cold plunge, they don't walk right into it. They don't slowly go into it. They put their whole body into it. So I want you to get used to that idea of, I'm going to put my whole body into this thing. If I have something to say, I'm I'm going to say it. I'm not going to feel like I have to apologize for it. I'm not going to feel like I have to be hesitant and hedge the whole time. If it is something that is on your heart and it is something that is truly asserting your needs in your life, you have one chance, one life, and this is it right here for you to be able to state your peace, assert your needs, and say what you need to say. Now, another part of this is often when it comes to standing up for yourself, It happens in moments where you need to say no to something. You need to turn something down. Maybe somebody's invited you to something. You got offered something and you need to say no, but you don't know how to say it, and you're just not sure you can advocate that you need to say no. Now, we're going to talk later in this podcast about how to say no to certain things, how to decline something and still be respectful, how to disagree and still be respectful about it. In those little bitty specific scenarios. Here, this is the point I'm making of that. There are times when you have to say something and they need to hear you say no. And there's a difference between saying no because after the end of it, using that word because to justify it and just saying no. For example, let's say you asked me a question and I just said, No. None. Versus, "No, because, you know, I have that thing that we talked about and, you know, I gotta make sure that I take care of this and it's just been really busy lately and I've just been so stressed, you know, and so, well, I have that other thing, you know." You see how it's much weaker? All of a sudden I've added 3 more sentences after the "no" and I've slowly watered down the place that I need to assert my needs. If I need to say no to something, I need to say no. So eliminate that habit of always saying no because. It's just no. And if they need to ask other questions, they're free to ask other questions, and you're free to say no again. I want you to feel empowered, all right, on this idea of just because they asked me something does not mean I have to give them something. Just because they told me something does not mean I have have an answer for something. Standing up for yourself means that you are in complete peace with who you are and your presence in the conversation, and you know your worth wherever you are in that conversation, or if there should be a conversation at all. So when you need to say no to something, step into that. Don't go with these little verbal disclaimers. You say no to it. You don't say because— an add-on, a verbal It's like the opposite of a verbal disclaimer. You add in everything afterwards. No, because I'm just feeling X, Y, and Z. You don't need that. The word is no, period. What lots of people like to say, and what I support, is no is a complete sentence. All right, we're at my favorite part of the podcast, and that is when I get to answer a question from a follower. I have a weekly newsletter where I send a communication tip right to your inbox once a week.. And for those that are on the newsletter, they're able to ask me questions and I'm able to answer them, and I find a lot of joy in that. If you want to sign up, there is a link there in the show notes. So I'm going to grab this real quick. This one I have, this is from Carly. Carly is in New York. Now I have been to New York City like twice, but mostly the touristy stuff. I don't really know New York all that well, and geography isn't my strong suit, but that's for another podcast episode. Carly says, hey Jefferson, thank you so much for your content. Thanks, Carly. I have a scenario that I need help with. Whenever I say no to things, I always get the question why or why not, and I don't know how to respond to it. I don't want to be rude. Thank you so much, Carly. That's a very good question, and I understand that idea of not wanting to sound rude or disrespectful when somebody's asking for a justification. Right, sometimes when you say no, they— first question out of their mouth is, why? Why not? And they're really not entitled to that information, right? They, they, uh, they don't need that information. That's personal. That you don't want to give that. You just know you want to say no to it. Here's some responses that I like to use, and I encourage you to try some out on your own. The first one would be, I like to say Because it's not what's best for me right now. Pure and simple. Because it's not what's best for me right now. The reason I like that response so much is because I'm using the keyword "what's best for me," and nobody can really argue with that because they want— if they like you and they mean something to you, they should want the best for you too, Carly. So if I use the phrase and you use the phrase that you say no to somebody and they go, why not? You go, ah, because it's not what's best for me right now. Boom, done, end. Another one that I like to use is, it's outside my focus right now. It's outside my focus. In other words, it's me telling them it's not really on my radar right now. It's not high up on my priority list. It's outside my focus. Another that I like to use— I know I'm just kind of rolling with these— is, I need to make another choice. Because I need to make another choice. I need to make a different choice. Easy as that. As long as you say it lighthearted and you step into it rather than going, "Uh, I mean, I guess, uh, I just, um, you know, maybe it's just not what's best for me right now." You know what I mean? Whenever you go that way, uh, it's going to tank it. It's going to make it— you see how you're watering it down like we talked about in the podcast? Step out in front of it. I need to make another choice. I need to make a different choice because it's not what's best for me right now. So try those out, Carly, and I think the next time you use them, you're gonna, you're gonna feel like a thousand times better, and you're gonna feel like you can stand up for yourself. And I'm really excited about it. Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, and if you enjoyed this podcast, I'm going to ask you to please follow it. And as always, if you would just leave a review, it really does matter. I read them, I look at them, I'm the one that likes them and hearts them, so I really, uh, take them personally. I really, really appreciate you listening. And as I always end the podcast, you should try that, but follow me.