How we run a $100,000,000 business together...and STILL STAY MARRIED..

What is up? So today what I want to talk about are the two relationship dynamics that tend to work best for entrepreneurs. Just fair warning, this is not based in facts. It's not based in evidence or really anything else besides the compilation of all the books that I've read and what I've observed works in everybody that I know and what I've observed doesn't work. And so it's just my opinion. So if you don't like it, you don't need to watch the video. The first thing I want to say is just before you watch this video, I want you to understand that I gave this talk, I want to say it was 4 years ago at our summit. We had like 800 gym owners. Resulted in 2 divorces but 3 engagements. And so if you are on the fence and trying to figure out like if your relationship works or if it doesn't work, maybe this is a good video to watch. And if you don't have a relationship, I'm gonna kind of clarify how you can understand which of these dynamics works best for you and how I was able to do that before getting married to Alex. And so just to start off so you can understand how I made the decision when I met Alex that he was somebody that I wanted to marry, which was I I had been super immersed in reading Tony Robbins books and watching all of his workshops, etc., etc. And one of the exercises that he has you do is he has you write down everything that you want in a partner. And so it's basically, what are my non-negotiables that they must have? What are my non-negotiables that they cannot have? And then what are my non-negotiables that— or what are my wants? And so I had this giant notebook and I had all my notes from this you know, course, training book, whatever. And on it I had all the things I wanted in a person. It's probably like 30 things. And then I had my non-negotiables of things that I wouldn't tolerate. And I had basically come to the conclusion that I wanted not just a husband, but I wanted a partner. I didn't want someone who I just came home to and talked about my day, but I want somebody who was there with me during the day and who is kind of on the field with me. And the reason I wanted that is I think early in my life a lot of my relationships, um, had actually been like I was typically the more dominant one in them. And so I usually had a man who was more passive because I am, uh, I do have a lot of more dominant masculine energy. And so I'd always found men who were just kind of more passive and submissive than me. But what I realized is it didn't challenge me. Um, I didn't feel like they could relate to me. I felt like I was kind of like dragging them along and that they didn't have a lot of ambition. And so it was just not interesting after a significant amount of time. I was really, really intentional when I was like, okay, I'm gonna go date. And I was very intentional about the fact what I was looking for. And I was looking for a partner and somebody I wanted to marry. Now I wasn't sure how how long is it going to take to find that person. I didn't have a timeline. I wasn't putting pressure on myself, but I was very specific about what I knew I wanted. And so that is the first piece, that you have to get super specific about what you want. And so even if you're in a relationship right now where you're like, I'm not sure if this is what I want, do that exercise. Go ahead and Google like Tony Robbins relationship workshop, do the exercise described, or even you could just follow what I said because that's pretty much exactly what it is. And so that's the first thing it is. I had that written out. And it's funny because like when I met Alex, I went home that night after we had our date. And I looked at that piece of paper and I was like, this is it. Like, this is actually everything that I had described. And that was really telling for me because it's not like we felt these like crazy emotions and sparks and chemistry, but I was like, man, I just love talking to him. I'm super interested in him. I just keep wanting to be around him. That was kind of the beginning of knowing that we were on the right track. The reason I premise that that is because I think that a lot of people, when I explain these dynamics, like, if you don't know which one is for you and you don't do that kind of exercise prior to listening to this, then you probably will just pick whatever sounds best. But you really have to think about what you want from a partner. And so the two dynamics that I have seen work the best are fullback and cheerleader. Fullback is an easy one for me to describe because that's what me and Alex are. And so we're essentially partners, we're equals, we treat it like, you know, we're both on the field. And this is the dynamic in which I would say if you want to decide who's right to be a fullback, or if you're with somebody, you're like, are they my fullback? It's like if you were lining up all these people would you pick that person to go to war with you? And that's exactly what I think when I think about Alex and myself. We're both like, hell yeah, I choose you to have my back during war, you know what I mean? And so that's what I think when I think of fullback, right? Like, you literally are thinking, like, people are trying to kill me, are they gonna be able to help me? Are they gonna be able to protect me, right? Because maybe I'm busy shooting over here and they need to go shoot over here, okay? So that's what a fullback is. And so what that usually looks like is you share the same mission, you have the same values, you have a lot of the same interests, you share the power equally, and you intertwine your lives with one another. And so what that does mean is a lot of interdependence. Now, I don't use the word codependence, which I don't really give a fuck like what you want to call it. I think labels suck. But interdependence is like you depend on each other for different pieces in your lives. And so like when Alex and I build a business together, I depend on him for the marketing genius and the strategy of the business, and he depends on me for the operations and the building of the team of the business. And so we're okay with the fact that we rely on each other for that, and we know that that is how it works. And in marriage, it's the same thing, right? Like, we know what we rely on each other for. And so a lot of what, you know, Alex and I in our actual marriage would rely on each other for would just be, um, we help balance each other out in the sense of like, I typically err towards the sides of I go slower, I'm more, uh, risk-averse, I'm more organized, I'm more detail-oriented. And so he relies on me for those kinds of aspects. Where I rely on him for pushing us, taking more risks, meeting more people, doing more new things. And so rather than resent each other for the differences that we have, we appreciate those and we allow each other to push each of us to become better because of those. And so that's how we share the power and we see each other as fullbacks, right? So you're each able to guard one another, each able to take 50% of the load. The reason I knew I wanted this is because I'm pretty sure when I was first meeting Alex, it was like power couple started first trending on Instagram. And I was like, That is exactly what I want because I was sick of feeling like I had somebody who was holding me back the entire time when I was in prior relationships. And so when I met Alex, I was like, holy shit, I have never met a man who I felt like was more dominant and more, uh, like ambitious than me. And so I was like, this is awesome. And so that's actually something that I believe in, which is like, if you are an ambitious woman, I think that a lot of the times, uh, they settle for submissive men. But in reality, I think that, um, every woman needs a man who's more of a man than her. So anyways, that's just my personal opinion. The second dynamic that you can look at is the cheerleader, right? And I have a ton of friends who have this dynamic, and I think it's fantastic. And just because my marriage is not like that doesn't mean I have anything against it. In fact, I think it's awesome, and I can see the perks of it and why it can be at times even better than the fullback dynamic. And so what the cheerleader looks like is it's when one of the partners is on the battlefield, right? The other one is the number one supporter cheering them on from the sideline. And so they're watching that person play the game. They're, you know, before that person goes out into battle, they're washing their armor, they're getting their guns ready, they're loading them for them. When they come back in, they've got water, they've got food, they're helping them. And that's what a cheerleader really does, right? They help them as much as they can without being in the game with them, right? They help them get in the right headspace, they help them recover, they help them take breaks, they also help encourage them. And so they're a voice of encouragement. And so what that really looks like is, you It's your number one fan who attends all the games. They create a safe space in which that person can recharge. And typically the cheerleader is not, you know, they listen to the things about business or the things about whatever venture you may be on, but they don't know a ton about it, right? So they may have different interests than you, but they're able to encourage you and they're able to help you grow because they're able to create that safe space you can come back to. And so usually what this means is that there's one person in the relationship who's more ambitious, dominant, driven, and there's one person a little more relaxed. I want to say just more— they have a more casual approach to life, which there's nothing wrong with at all. That's needed, and a lot of people want that. And so the cheerleader understands your love of the game. That's the biggest thing. They would never ask you to sit out. And so this is where a lot of people go wrong. They're like, oh, my wife— because let's be real, men always ask me this. They're like, why is it that my wife, you know, isn't supportive like you? And I'm like, well, one, you probably have a cheerleader, not a fullback, and you can't make a cheerleader a fullback. She doesn't want to be one. Okay, that's the first thing. The second thing is that there's also just what doesn't fit into either of these categories, which is just somebody who's resentful and negative. And a lot of people have that. They have girlfriends, they have significant others, and, you know, sometimes it's the man. So I'm not just saying this is not just for men, it's just more typical that we see it. Um, but we see the people who are like, why are you working so late? Why do you not come home on time? Why are you working so much? You need to take time off. You need to stop doing this. And it's like they're on the field playing the freaking game and it gets hard and you tell them to quit. Okay. And so I just, I don't think that falls into either category. I think that that's just somebody who's unsupportive. I don't think that's what a spouse is supposed to do. I think that we are each supposed to take care of ourselves before we take care of the other person. The other person needs to learn how to fucking take care of themselves. The husband does not need to come home to help take care of the wife. The wife should be able to take care of herself. And so I just think that that is a not healthy relationship in the sense of I don't think that people derive satisfaction when the other one is trying to— they're almost discouraging the person on the field. And we see that a lot. And so that's why you don't want to get twisted. A cheerleader would never do that. She would be like, if you broke your foot, she'd be like, dude, I think you should get that checked out before you go back on the field. Like, do we need to take a couple days? But she would never be like, I know it's hard, you should just stop, you've already done enough, like you've gone far enough, you don't need to do this, honey. Like, nobody fucking wants that. No entrepreneur. You know how many entrepreneurs I know that the reason I really, I truly in my fucking soul believe that they have not succeeded is that they have a spouse who does that. The spouse you choose is the most important fucking decision that you can make in your life. If you choose somebody who's constantly speaking negativity in your ear, saying you've done enough, like, take a break, you should rest, all this stupid shit, then like, why do you think you're not succeeding? Because the person that you are literally most attached to of anybody in the world is telling you why you don't need to, that is not a cheerleader or a fullback. That is a relationship that is bound to keep you, um, I'm gonna say bound within comfort. And I think that because that person is probably insecure and comfort-based, they try to keep you there, and that is what you don't want, right? I can't even tell you how many times, like I said, like even though me and Alex are both really ambitious, there's times where he pushes me and like I might be upset, I might be, uh, emotional But what I won't ever say is like, you're wrong, because I am responsible to take care of my own emotions. So if he wants to do something that I don't agree with, or maybe I don't want to do it, or maybe it feels uncomfortable to me, I can be upset. I can have emotions. That doesn't mean I should stop him because that's my shit to deal with. And it also doesn't mean I need to put it on him every time. I think that's really important too, is that when you're looking at the dynamic between cheerleader and the person on the field, as well as the fullbacks, I think there's transparency and then there's also emotional dumping. And I don't think that emotional dumping is something healthy you can do with your spouse. And so if you have somebody who's constantly coming to you crying, complaining, negatively speaking all the time to you, you know, every single freaking inner thought they have, like, maybe your spouse should get a therapist. Because I don't think that also makes for a good conducive relationship. Because then, you know, that every time you enter that relationship space where you're meant to talk and you're meant to share things with each other and experiences, you're just constantly kind of trying to fight off the negative, or you're having to listen to someone vent and complain. And that's not really, um, like, would you do that to anyone else that you're in a relationship with? No. Well then why would you do it to your spouse, which is the relationship you're gonna have for the rest of your life? So that is, um, something that you want either of those. Now when you're looking at those two dynamics, there are three things that you're going to have in common for both of them. The first one is a shared mission. Now you can have a shared mission and that one person, when you have the cheerleader dynamic, not be necessarily on the mission, on the path with you, but their mission is to support you, right? So they're like the Merlin and you're the prince, you know, whatever, who's on the mission. And they're like the Merlin in the background who's like helping make the potions and all that stuff, but they're never going out on the battlefield, right? And so you can have the same mission but not be necessarily both on the field together. Now, in a fullback situation, you are on the field together. And second thing is that you have aligned values. And so it's just like Would you hire somebody into your company who has completely separate values than you do? The answer is no, or at least I would hope it would be no, because that typically doesn't work because you don't use the same values to make decisions by, to live your lives by. It's the same for marriage. You want to make sure that when you get married to somebody, whether it's a fullback or a cheerleader, that you have the same values or you agree upon a set of values that you're going to use as the guiding principles for your marriage and life together. Okay? So that's the second one is values. And then the third one is clear expectations. And this is the one that I think is where it comes down to making that list that I talked about in the beginning, writing this down, understanding you want cheerleader or pullback. Because I think a lot of people don't define this, then they get married or they get in a relationship and they don't know what they've got. And they're constantly resentful because unexpressed expectations are literally the death of relationships. Or they are wanting of more because they have not asked it of somebody. And if you don't ask, the answer is always no. And maybe they want to give it to you, but they don't even know you want it. And so I think that making sure you have clear expectations before you get married is also a very important thing. So you've got the shared mission, you've got aligned values, and then you have clear expectations, which is, am I a cheerleader or a fullback? And then how do we share this life together? What do I do? What do you do? And the reason for that is, would you hire somebody without making clear expectations? No. Then why the fuck would you marry somebody without clear expectations? It's like blows my mind, right? Because me and Alex wrote these things down before we got married. We're like, this is what I expect of you, this is what you expect of me. It's not like I expect you to like do your hair every day. It's like I expect you to always, you know, pursue growth and try and become a better version of yourself, right? Like it's like those are things that we want in a partner. And if one of us just decided that one day we're like, I don't want to grow anymore, I don't want to do anything with my life, I'm just going to like shrivel up and die, you know, I don't think it would work. And so we want to set the expectations. Because at the end of the day, I do believe relationships are an exchange of value in one way, shape, or form. Whether people want to say it or not, that is the truth. Like, if your spouse didn't do shit, didn't help you, didn't support you, didn't talk to you, didn't provide, didn't give you a place to love, didn't help you work, didn't do anything for you, which is just— yeah, I just, I think that you can be like, I love you for who you are, you don't have to do anything, but at the same time, like, you just lay there like a dead fish. Are you really going to be excited about being married to that person? I just think it's bullshit. So Um, like I said, write down, understand, do you want and are you looking for a cheerleader or a fullback? If you're already in a relationship, then maybe you need to define this now for yourself, or maybe it's changed and maybe it's time for you to say, actually, I think this one's for me or not for me. And then the second piece is auditing where you're at. Does it fit in a cheerleader? Does it fit into fullback? If it doesn't fit into either, is it an unhealthy relationship? Do you have an unsupportive person who's constantly whispering negativity into your ear and telling you why you need to stop? Can you slow down? You need to stop trying. I challenge you to audit yourself for that, to write down that list, and then to, if you have not, clarify with your partner, what is our mission? What are our values that we live by together? And then what do we expect of each other? I promise you it will be one of the most valuable things you could possibly do for your marriage and your business. So I will continue to make a couple more videos on this subject because I've gotten a lot of questions about marriage and how to pick a spouse, find a spouse, stay with your spouse, not fight with your spouse, all sorts of things. I'll continue trying to make videos on that along with more business videos. So if you like this video, go ahead, hit subscribe, and I will see you on the next one.