Saying Something With Confidence Is NOT What You Think — Here’s What It Actually Is...
Jefferson Fisher argues confidence isn't something you have, it's how you speak. He identifies filler words like "just" and over-apologizing as confidence killers, and says fewer words actually make you sound more credible. Clear boundaries and direct communication, without being aggressive, separate confident people from people-pleasers.
Chapters
How do I say something with confidence?
You have to first understand what it is. And I don't mean that in like a woo-woo setting. A lot of people come to me and go, how do I have the confidence to say this? I'm getting up the courage or confidence to say that. It's the wrong way to look at it. Confidence is not what you have before. Confidence is the outcome. And you get to that by saying things that are assertive. What I teach is confidence is as assertive does. So when you learn how to use your assertive voice, the result is feeling confident. Like if I were to tell you right now, Stephen, I need you to feel sad. You have a hard time feeling sad. If I said I need you to be afraid right now, like, I mean, what is there to be afraid of? Like you just can't conjure that feeling. Now, if I for whatever reason, just gave you an elbow to the chest, I mean, you'd be like upset, right? You don't have to wonder what it's like to feel mad. You're going to feel it. It's the same with confidence. You can't just conjure up the feeling of confidence. You only get it by doing assertive things. And the people that are most confident, I find, are the people that have done the thing already. So they have already said the assertive thing. They've already used their voice because the more assertive they are, the more confident they're going to feel. That's the way it works. So you do it, you find confidence by using your assertive voice.
And what is my assertive voice? And how is sort of an assertive voice different to, like, disrespecting someone? I've got this graph. I think it's taken from your book. Okay. Which shows the sort of middle ground. Yeah. I'll put it on the screen for anyone that can't see, but respecting others sort of versus respecting yourself. And in the middle there you have your assertive voice, right? What is my assertive voice?
It's a balance. It's a balance between sounding almost passive and sounding aggressive. Assertive says, I'm willing to be direct with you even in the face of it not going well, but I'm at least going to give you my truth, or I'm going to say what I need to say without sounding rude. Whenever you are direct with someone, it's also very kind to someone. If I were to tell you and prep the sentence with, Steve, I'm going to tell you this because I know you can handle it. That's different than me going, hey, look, this is probably going to upset you, and I don't mean to upset you, but you just let me know. That is a whole lot harder. The assertive voice is, I'm going to be very direct. At the same time, I'm going to say it with a sense of this doesn't have to do with me trying to push my way. I'm just letting you know where I stand. You don't have to always play nice. That's not what I'm saying. There are times when somebody says something that's terrible to you. You don't have to push back. You just can't be pushed over. And so when you learn your assertive voice, that's where you find ways to speak your truth more easily and more readily. So one of the first words or lessons of Say It and using your assertive voice is that every word matters. The number one culprit of that is the word just. We use the word just a lot. It's probably one of my weaknesses that I have is using the word just in common conversation. No problem, nobody cares. But when it comes to having to push a boundary, say something at work, be a little bit more on your toes, just has a way of making you sound hesitant. The most common way we hear that is if somebody goes, maybe an email or a text, hey, just wanted to check in with you. Hey, Do you have 5 seconds? Just wanted to touch base with you. It sounds like you're hesitant, as if like, I don't really want to bother you. If you remove the word just now, you're leaning into it. So instead of I just want to check in, I wanted to check in with you. That's a lot more forward, a lot more forward progress rather than just using the word just. But every little word matters. You've had those texts where somebody gives you like a whole paragraph. I don't know how to respond to this. What I teach is that the longer your answer, the more questions you're going to get, the longer that conversation is going to go, the longer the argument is going to go. So you have to find ways to say more with less.
You have to find ways to say more with less. So does the amount that I speak have consequence?
Yes, there is this. It's this idea of the more words it takes to tell the truth, the more it sounds like a lie. Like, the more you have to say to explain something to me, the more I start to assume you don't know what you're talking about. And we have this way of what I guess they call it word vomit, where you just, you talk a whole lot. People get lost in your sentences. And also, when you choose to speak, it makes a very big difference. Like, have you ever been in one of those meetings and there's always this one person that has to throw in their two cents. They always have to throw out their idea or be the devil's advocate or have something to say at every single issue that gets brought up. Most of the time, those are the people that are honestly the least connected to what's actually happening, or at least part of the conversation, because they want you to know how smart they are or how many people they know. These are the same people that name-drop like every other sentence. The person that is like, you know, oh, I was talking to Steven the other day. Oh, you know Steven, right? Oh yeah, great guy. You know, and they start to name-drop just so you know how many people that they know. Insecurities are very loud. Confidence, on the other hand, is very quiet. Insecure people have the need to say everything so that I sound more believable, so you'll know how much I know and how smart I am. Confident people have the urge to say nothing because they have nothing to prove. Like, if you disagree with me on something that I know to be true, I wouldn't be nearly as affected. Let's say, like, we both have on a black shirt. If you were like, Jefferson, that's a dumb purple shirt you have on. I'd be like, okay. Like, I don't need to convince you what I already know the color of my shirt is. It's like, if you know that about yourself, what you have internally inside, you don't have the need, that insecurity to prove it to everybody else that they're wrong. The confidence is very quiet. The people that are typically the most looked to are the people that say the least. They listen a whole lot more.
Do people capitalize on, on that? So if you're triggered by me saying that you have a purple shirt on, have I got the power now? Because I can, like, play you like a fiddle if that's— you're so easily triggered. By something that's so obviously like provocation, surely I like, I have the power over you now, right?
No, I mean, I mean, the people that are not emotionally intelligent, the people that don't have the emotional awareness, yeah, you can, you can press their buttons and play them like a fiddle. And because what they've done is they've— that would be like me giving you the remote. So here, here's the remote to my emotions. Go ahead, play them. Press that button.
Oh yeah.
Oh, you made me angry. How dare you? Instead of handing out remote controls, you get in the habit of giving out manuals. And so if you want to yell at me and press my button and me to say, you can't yell at me like that, versus me handing you a manual and go, hey, I heard you yell at me. If you don't mind, go to page 72. You can look on paragraph 3. I don't respond to that volume. Like, you're giving a whole different mind shift of this is what I tolerate and this is what I don't tolerate.
Do you have a lot of people pleasers coming to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
People pleasing is very hard. I mean, the thing is, you can please people. Just make sure that you're one of them. And that's the harder part, is I'm always— people say, I'm always saying yes to things. I don't know how to say no to things. I don't know where to go with this. That's a whole lot harder. Using your assertive voice is helps with that in a lot of ways. And it is about trying to make sure that when you people please with people, you have to find a way to set a boundary that is going to protect yourself. And that's easier said than done.
It's interesting being— I started my first business when I was— my first proper business when I was about 18 years old. And when you're 18 years old and you're dealing with people that are like double your age and you're different because your skin colour's a little bit different, you have no experience. I reflect, I was talking to the guy that was cutting my hair yesterday 'cause he's a young Black man starting in business. And you were aware that every conversation you're having to some degree is a test.
Yeah.
It's like a test of how much you value yourself, how much you believe in yourself, and how much you believe in what you're building and what you're saying. And it's an interesting way to think of life that every conversation is actually a test. A test of your conviction. And I was just— I was talking to my barber about how I've changed over time and how business has made me become more direct and more assertive than I was when I was 18 years old. Because like, I wouldn't have survived in some of the rooms that I'm in with like very eccentric billionaires who have done this for 40 years before me if I didn't have that assertive voice, if I wasn't able to look them in the eye and say with calmness and a slower pace what I believe to be true. It's so interesting, like, it's just thinking about how so much of our life is about developing this ability to assert what we believe without the just or the caveats or the— Exactly.
Yeah. Where they also go into trouble is when people— what I see a lot are people that over-apologize. I find that that is big with people pleasers where they say, I'm sorry, in every single sentence. Hey, so sorry, I'm just now getting back to you. Sorry, I'm just now seeing this. Oh, I can't come. So sorry. Like, they start to apologize for things that are not a mistake. They apologize for things that are not errors. And when you start to over-apologize with every little thing, without you knowing it, it's slowly, drip by drip, corroding your sense of self-esteem, your sense of self-worth. It's you your self-worth is not tied to how little of an inconvenience you can make yourself by always saying, so sorry, I don't mean to bother you, I just have a quick question. Instead of the over-apologies, what I teach is use words of gratitude. So instead of the, so sorry I'm late, even though you're like 1 minute late, thank you for waiting on me, or thank you for giving— let's say it's an email. Thank you for giving me the the time to think on this. Thank you for giving me the time to reply. Thank you for giving me the patience. You know what the other person's gonna think? I am patient. Why, yes I am. You're so welcome. I mean, you're using words of gratitude to press that. And that's a whole lot easier than the problem of people pleasers. And that's just over-apologizing to just about everything. Or they undercut their words where they say like, I hate to bother you, but, and then they have to, say what they need to say.
In this regard, what do the most successful people in the world, the leaders, the prime ministers, the presidents, the CEOs, have in common as it relates to the stuff we're talking about right now? So, you know what I'm saying? So like, are they, are they assertive? Are they people pleasers? Like, what do they have in common here?
What I find that people are people, so it's gonna most often it's just going to come down to their personality. But overall, your most effective leaders find ways of taking a lot of ideas and words and saying them very concisely. The bigger leaders, they don't write long emails.
Yeah, that's so true.
They don't write long texts.
Rich people don't even say hello and kind regards on fucking emails. They just, they literally, they send emails like text messages.
Yeah, I have found in my own life that the richer somebody is, they could care less about an email signature. They're not— if they even have one. And they might give you 2 sentences, maybe. It is very, very quick and to the point, because it's either they really don't have the time. It's not really that. It's they want to have the appearance of being very direct, and they don't see that as an offense. They don't see that as an insult. They see that as, that is the way that I'm going to operate. They don't write long emails. They don't write them in a way that's going, hey, I just want to put this on your plate, and if, if I'm wrong about this, you can totally let me know, and I have a question about this. If you enjoyed that clip and want to see the rest of the conversation, you can click right here. Or if you want to see the latest episode of the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, click right here, and I'll meet you there.
