The Smartest Response to Belittling Comments

A belittling comment from someone is never about you. It's about them. Today in this episode, we are diving deep on the hidden meaning of belittling comments and asking the question, what do they really mean and how do we handle them? All that and more coming up. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to find the button wherever you're listening. It does not matter what platform. That says subscribe, and I'm going to ask you to click it because I am making a promise to you that if you listen to this episode and if you subscribe to this podcast, I will make you a better communicator based on the things that we talk about, the questions that get asked, and the things that I teach. And so it is my blessing and my honor to be able to share this with you and form and make this podcast to be able to talk about this stuff. And I really appreciate it. This podcast is sponsored by Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth has been a sponsor of this podcast because I use their stuff. I am kind of hard on sponsors, so to speak, because I really like to make sure I like the product. It resonates with me and my family before I ever feel like sharing it with you. And Cozy Earth is certainly one of them. I love— I have pants on that are Cozy Earth pants right now. I have their sheets on my bed and I have their towels in my bathroom. And that's what I think about Cozy Earth. So if you're like me And you like sheets that feel amazing and soft and keep you cool at night. And you like big towels that are soft and warm and fuzzy out of the dryer. Then you need to go to Cozy Earth. You need to go to cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson and get 40% off. Go to cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. When somebody makes a belittling comment to you, how do you react? What I'm hoping is that by the end of this episode, that answer changes, or at least you see a little bit more into the below the surface of what's happening between you and the person who's making that comment. The belittling comment, like I said at the beginning, is not about you. It's about them. Number 1, when somebody gives you a belittling comment, meaning something that's mean, rude, meant to make you feel little, to be little. It is, under no uncertain terms, a grasp at maintaining hierarchy. In other words, it's an assertion of dominance. The word belittle, right, to make you feel small, is to then make themselves feel big. And in process of that, and as a result of that, you have this levels, this system of Here they are now. They've created a hierarchy in which they're on top and you are below. That's how you feel with a bully, right? Think of grade school. Think of junior high, high school, wherever it is. Maybe in work, even now as an adult. You have somebody who's a bully personality. Where do they picture themselves in that hierarchy? Bullies never think that they're lower than you. They think they're above everybody. Give me your lunch money. I have this spot. This is mine. That's mine now. I am the one on top of the hierarchy. You must all now serve me. Belittling comments are a grab for hierarchy. So that's why often when people feel the most insecure, they have to reach for outside things, right, to have that inner, that inner sense of that ability to live with themselves, because they don't have that inner security. So they have to have that outer grab for it. And where we hear that a lot of the times is that reach for hierarchy and dominance and saying mean things to make you feel less. Now let me put this in a different view. Belittling comments are not always ones that are direct. Have you ever had somebody give you a belittling comment that you realized maybe a few minutes or an hour later of like, I don't think that was a compliment. You know what? I don't, I don't think they really meant that. I think that was a slight. Belittling comments are not always direct. They can very much be indirect. And still, it is a grab for hierarchy. So number 1, what I want you to realize when somebody's giving you that kind of comment on the offensive is see it for what it is, and it is a grab for hierarchy. Number 2, the best way to deal with that grab for hierarchy is to not take it personal by decoding the intent. Decoding the intent. In other words, rather than trying to see it in this glossy magazine-style form, understand that there's hieroglyphics to it. In other words, there's a secret language that they're not giving you. So when somebody's saying something ugly, the best way to decode it is to use questions that look for the intent of what they're saying. I teach that the best way you can do this, and I have this all throughout my book, The Next Conversation, is that you use questions rather than responses when somebody's giving you something belittling. Not only because you're trying to get to the intent, but because you are trying to get them to see the intent. So let's assume you said something ugly to me right now. Go ahead, think of something ugly. Oh, that hurt my feelings. I'm kidding. If you had said something ugly to me and my question to you after giving you a pause was, did you mean to hurt my feelings? What does that do? What does that do? Immediately gets to the intent, the purpose, the motive. That's what you're looking for. If you said something mean to me and I went, excuse me, me? Let me tell you something about you and just send it right back to you. And now I'm having that grab for hierarchy. Oh, you think you're this? I don't know if you know who you're talking to. Maybe I need to remind you who I am. And you try to bow up, you try to get bigger. What is that? That is hierarchy grab. That is dominance. That is, I am the king of the mountain here. I'm the superior one. And that almost always goes south, and you never get the true motive. Instead, you're the one who has to live with that and have to now live with that regret and the wonder of what could have been had you not reacted so violently to it. And I don't mean physically, I mean with your words. When you send it right back to them. But if I were to say, did you mean for that to offend me? Did you mean for that to embarrass me? Did you say that so that I would get uncomfortable? You hear how me asking a question and trying to get to the intent shuts it all down and now puts it all back on you, the person who said the mean thing. They go, I don't know. Maybe the spotlight is now back on you. Maybe it feels a little awkward. Maybe it all of a sudden just doesn't feel fun anymore because now you're going, "This is not what I thought this person would say." When you decode the intent, what it does is help you realize that it has nothing to do with you. They're just in a bad mood. Maybe they're feeling insecure, or maybe they're having— feeling like their job is insignificant, or maybe they're jealous, and things that have nothing to do with you whatsoever. And by looking to the intent, it is now you naturally go up in the hierarchy without doing anything whatsoever. That is control. That is the genuine kind of authentic power of using your words to stand your ground. In other words, it naturally does that of a progression in the communication, not by trying to assert it. You feel the difference? So when you ask the question, did you mean, did you mean for that to upset me? Did you mean, did you intend, was the purpose of you saying that to do X, Y, and Z? Whenever you're able to ask those questions, you decode the intent for a better conversation. And for sure, if not a better conversation, to stand your ground and feel more confident and feel more controlled. And that right there is a lot to be proud of. Before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about Masa chips. Yes, you heard me right. Chips. You might go, Jefferson's doing chips? Yeah, they're that good. When I got in touch with Masa chips a few months ago and they sent me a few samples, right? And I had them out on the counter, the kitchen counter, and I opened a pack and I started eating them. I'm like, oh, these are really good. I had to go out to the studio and go grab some stuff. I came back, it wasn't more than 2 minutes, and I kid you not, the bag was gone. It was empty. My kids and my wife destroyed them. They started opening up all these other flavors and were like, these are so good. Where did you get these? 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Use the code Jefferson for 25% off your first order. You will not regret it. So go try some. And now back to the episode. And number 3, understand that belittling comments, at the very outset, we ask the question of what do they mean? What do they really mean? You know this, they're a projection of insecurity. Almost always somebody is projecting how they feel onto you. So not only are you looking for intent, Part of that is you're starting to look at, oh, this is how they feel about themselves. If they're judgmental about what you're wearing or how you are looking, you can rest assured they are all the more critical and insecure about how they look, and they would much rather call attention to you than to them. If somebody is putting down your intelligence in some way. One, that's a sign of somebody not being intelligent. That's somebody who's being emotionally immature, who lacks that emotional intelligence. And so to make it up, they have to poke fun at your intelligence or your significance or how much you're worth in your job and who's more important. I feel like a lot of struggles between married couples, between relationships and friendships and at work especially, it is a dominance of whose job is more important, whose job is more important. And that breeds a lot of insecurity between both people. And so you'll hear comments where somebody's trying to put down your job. All right, I mean, you just have to go to that meeting. I mean, but that's not even that. And they'll put it down because there's an actual insecurity of how they're feeling in that moment. Of whether or not they even matter, or do they even feel authentic to themselves? And it is natural and normal. And we are all capable of giving belittling comments. I don't want you to feel like belittling comments just come from these unknown— it always comes from them. We have them too. All right? We have them too. And why? Because we know deep down, if we have to go through the layers and are actually honest with ourselves, is because deep down we have an insecurity that we're masking too. So as part of decoding the intent, understand that it is simply a projection of how they're feeling, and that helps inform you, that helps inform you of what's happening in that moment. And that is, it is a grab for dominance, and your best move is to not retaliate, not respond, and use a question that goes to the intent. That's going to give you the level of consciousness that you did not have before and see that, oh, this is simply a projection. And now I'm looking at the intent. This is a projection of doubt they're feeling. And now we're at the full circle— is it's not about you, it's about them. All right. So number 1, understand it's a power grab. It's an assertion of dominance and hierarchy. Number 2, what you want to do is use intent, questions of intent to decode what's happening, and it takes away that personal feeling and effect from you. And number 3, it is simply a projection of their own insecurity, which helps inform you where you truly stand. And if you are listening to this podcast and go, you know what, The next time I get a belittling comment, I'm not going to respond. I'm going to stay still. I'm going to control myself. I'm going to stay regulated. I'm going to use a question of intent to find out what they really mean. And here you might be asking, well, Jefferson, what if they say yes? If I say, did you mean to embarrass me? And they say yes, your response is, good to know, and act like it doesn't bother you at all, because it shouldn't. It shouldn't. It's going to be— let that weight be carried with them. They're the ones that are going to have to live with that, that yes, and deal with those emotions that they have to carry. Eventually they're gonna have to process that sometime in their life. Don't put that— don't, don't you carry that. Most of the time people say no, they adjust, they walk it back, they feel awkward, they apologize, they feel sheepish. That right there naturally adjusts the control in the right way. All right, go forth and do good things, and remember to use your words for good. As always, you can try that and follow me.