In this excerpt from Shanli Liu’s YouTube video, the speakers explore how the fear of abandonment infiltrates couples’ communication. They describe how this fear makes conversations feel like life‑or‑death moments, leading partners to avoid difficult topics and engage in “proxy wars” where surface issues are argued instead of the underlying fear. The dialogue emphasizes the need to choose reality—recognizing whether a partner truly intends to leave—and to have direct, honest conversations using “I” statements rather than blame, thereby breaking the cycle of avoidance.
How do you see the fear of abandonment come up in communication, or at least manifest? I want to have a conversation, but they make this conversation feel like this is the very last one they're ever going to have, and they feel like this is either life or death kind of conversation. It prevents me from having the difficult talks, any kind of conflict. They want to avoid it. Why? Because if we actually talk about it, he's gone, she's gone. Yeah.
Well, and I think one of my core— you have to choose reality. If that's true, if they're actually going to leave, then y'all need to have that conversation because they're already gone. Yeah, they've already left you.
They're just staying on the couch, right?
Most of the time we end up having a lot of proxy wars. You don't make enough money. I don't like the way you dress. You're always on playing video games. Those are all proxy wars, and we fight at that surface level and never get to the actual issue. Little battles. That's little battles all over the place about silly things or dumb things or even big things, right? The other side of it is sit down and actually have the true conversation. And you know this better than me, but almost 99.9% of time, whatever you're about to enter into start with I statements instead of you, because the moment you say the word you, we're at war and I have to defend myself, right?
