Turn Dismissiveness Around: Words that Command Respect

Look, it was just a joke, okay? Don't take it so personally. Don't be so sensitive. Little comments like these slowly tear down your self-esteem, and on top of that, they're frustrating. So today we're going to talk about how to handle them. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast, and if you would, please leave a review or a star or anything. Any of it helps. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. And I want to make sure and tell you that my new book, The Next Conversation, is officially out for preorder, and I'll put the links down in the show notes. So these are what I call dismissive comments in that they are dismissing your feelings, trying to dismiss any consequence of what they said. And in many ways, I want you to see these comments as them trying to control the eventual outcome. Imagine somebody, imagine me just punching you in the arm and you go, "Ow." I go, "That didn't hurt." You ever had that happen? Maybe as a kid growing up or you have a sibling. I know I'm the oldest of 4 and that definitely happened when you're roughhousing, you're wrestling, you do something, you go, "That didn't hurt." And they go, "What do you mean that didn't hurt?" So I want you to imagine that in your mind, that somebody's hit you in the arm and then they tell you that didn't hurt, as if they get to decide that, yeah, I hit you in the arm, but it didn't hurt. So no, no harm, no foul, right? You are the one that gets to decide that. And we're going to talk about these techniques on each one of these. And I want you to emphasize the idea that they don't get to say the outcome. They don't get to say the consequence. You do. They don't get to say what hurts. You do, right? You with me? All right, let's go. So first up is, "I was just joking. I was just joking. It's just a joke." I hear that all the time. I know that you do too. When you get that dismissive comment back to you on something, "I was just joking," here's what I want you to do. Play off of this. If they want to make it a joke, Then it better be funny. So what I like to say is, if somebody tells you, "I was just joking," you respond, "Then make it funnier. Then make it funnier." Easy as that. That's number 1. Number 2, you could easily say, "Then work on your material or find new material." How about that? "Then find new material." In other words, don't be making a joke about me. Don't be making a joke about something else. If they try to say something that is hurtful to you, let's say they made a comment about your looks. Or your weight or your age or whatever it is, and then you kind of take offense to that and they go, "Hey, it was just a joke, okay?" As if all of a sudden they've taken away any stinger that they have. When they make that kind of stuff, you say, "Well, then find new material." Or, "Was that supposed to be of the funny kind? Was that supposed to be funny?" "Hey, it was just a joke." Then be funnier. Then find new content. Then find new material. Any way that you can play off the word of a joke, it's going to work to your advantage. My favorite is, then be funnier, because it is a reminder right there in that moment of if you wanted this to be a joke, that's not what it is. This— you can't just tailor a dismissive comment that's meant to be hurtful to me and just call it a joke and make sure everything is— then we're all good. Then we're all good. No harm, no foul. Like I talked about, when that kind of stuff happens, easily twist it back on them as, was that supposed to be funny, or was that the funny kind of joke? Whenever you can ask those kind of things and put them on their heels to say, that's not going to pass with me. Number 2, one of my least favorite, is don't take it personally. Hey, don't take it personally. Like, come on, then don't say it personally. What do you mean, don't take it personally? You just said it to my face. How can it not be any more personal? It is to me one of the just a total withdrawal of all accountability, of any ability to say, look, that was on me. You know what? I shouldn't have said that instead of this. Don't take it personally. I can't stand that comment. Here is some things that I like to use, and I know you can use them too. I get to decide that. I love that one because it is very immediate and clear where the boundaries are. Somebody says something to you and then they go, don't, don't take it personally. You respond, I get to decide that. It's the whole thing of hitting you in the arm kind of concept of, look, I get to decide to take it personally or not. Don't, don't tell me how to take something. If you're going to send the paper airplane, I have a choice of how I'm going to catch it or if I let it fall. If you're going to throw the ball at me, I get to choose whether I want to catch it or I don't. It's all within my choice. So having that idea of I get to decide that puts you in the control seat every single time. Another that I like to use with don't take it personally is don't say it personally. Don't say it personally, or then say it differently. That one is a comeback that you can use with all kinds of different dismissive comments, but I like that specifically with "don't take it personally" because of it sounds like alliteration in a way. We say "personally," "differently." They both have the adverb "ly" in them, and I feel that they're great at— it's a great little comeback to say, look, if you don't want me to take it personally, then say it differently. Say it again. Say it a different way. It's a very strong, straight-up front to say, look, if you don't want me to take something personally, then try again. Take it— say it differently. Okay, number 3 is, don't be so sensitive. Mm, you heard that one? I know I have. Don't be so sensitive. And to be honest, I've definitely been one that said that too. And that wasn't fair. Say, don't be so sensitive. It is this idea that you go, look, don't— can you just let things go for a bit? I just said something, all right? Do you have to turn everything into a fight? You have to do this. There is a toxic element of that type of dialogue because yes, you want to control the reaction, that's understandable, but That is just part of the battle. That means you're not doing the work up front to think about the consequence of what you're saying or to think about how your words sound. You just expect them to go how you want them to go. You want everybody to react how you expect them to react in your head, and that's not fair. So when you say the phrase, "Don't be so sensitive," understand everybody is sensitive. Everybody is sensitive. It just depends on the topic. It depends on the context. It depends on the environment. So it's subjective to everybody. So let that be what it's going to be. But when they say, don't be so sensitive, one thing that you can do that I love to do is play off the word sense, S-E-N-S-E, say sense. So they say, don't be so sensitive. No, I'm sensing X, Y, and Z. So if somebody were to say, hey, look, it's just a joke, don't be so sensitive. You can reply, "No, I'm just sensing you're not that funny." You see what I mean? If somebody were to say an inappropriate comment and they go, "Don't, like I just said it, don't be so sensitive." You can reply, "No, I'm just sensing that you and I have a different idea of what's appropriate to say out loud." You feel the difference? Here, you're not getting upset. You're not getting defensive. You are playing off of their words. "Oh, don't be sensitive? No, I'm sensing, I'm sensing X, Y, and Z." And that's going to put you in a much better position to stay steady rather than a weaker position. And the key to each one of these replies that I'm suggesting for you to try is that you cannot let yourself become defensive. I know that's easier said than done, but I want you to play it out. If you were to automatically— somebody says, don't be so sensitive. And you're like, sensitive? I'm not sensitive. What are you talking about? That's getting defensive, and all of a sudden you sound weaker and they sound stronger. Let me put it differently. They sound right and you sound wrong. You hear it? If you were to say, I'm not sensitive. What are you talking about? Me? I'm not sensitive. They sound stronger. You sound weaker. Instead, when you can stay exactly where you are and say, no, I'm just sensing that you and I have a different idea of what's okay to say to each other. Oof. I mean, that is a verbal punch. I mean, that is such a stronger position to keep in that instance. So anytime that somebody says, don't take it personally, and you scoff at that, you get upset at that, you look weaker. If they were to say, don't be so sensitive, if they were to say anything else that is a dismissive comment like it was just a joke and you joke that, that, and you start to get, uh, you swell up about it and get defensive and start putting up your walls. The more it looks like you are exactly what they say you are, the more it looks like you're more sensitive, the more it looks like you're taking it literally, that you are everything that they say. So you have to make sure that you keep your breath calm right? And I want you to stay exactly where you are. Try your best to not get defensive. It will really, really make a difference. Now we're at my favorite part of the podcast, and that's where I get to read a question from a follower. Those that are part of my newsletter are able to email me and ask me questions, and in return, I'm able to respond to them. So if you want to be part of that, in the show notes, you'll see the links for the newsletter. I'm also pumped to say that my— this portion of the podcast is sponsored by a company called Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth makes cozy things, and I said yes to them as a sponsor because I use their stuff. Their bed sheets are on my bed. I didn't even realize it when I got into the car, but this is a Cozy Earth sweatshirt. Believe it or not, I had no clue. I didn't think about it, but it's just cozy. It's, it's warm, it's fuzzy, and especially going into the cold holidays It, uh, it really is something that I enjoy. So if you are somebody who also likes cozy things like me, I want you to go to cozyearth.com/Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. You just use the code Jefferson, 40% off. cozyearth.com/Jefferson. And my wife loves their pajamas. Those are her new favorite thing right now. All right, we're gonna go into the the call. So this is a, a follower. Let me pull it up. This is Scott from Detroit. Where's Detroit? Is that near Michigan? Michigan, of course. Detroit. Uh, I feel like I should Google that probably, but, um, before I just say that— and yes, it is in Michigan. I was going to be so embarrassed and have to redo this. All right, so this is Scott. Scott says, hey bro, hey bro, love your content. I have a problem at work. There's somebody next to me who always likes to say I was just joking. So it's a guy who says I'm just joking to everything. Not really sure how to come back to that. I kind of just laugh it off, but it's starting to get really annoying, and any tips would help. Scott in Detroit, Michigan. I got you, man. So this is what I want you to do. Anytime that somebody is doing that, I was just joking, like we talked about earlier in the episode, you can say, well, then be funnier, or then find new material. In more personal settings, sometimes it might feel too direct. It might feel like if you were to tell the guy next to you in the cubicle or wherever you are at work and you go, then be funnier, dude. That might hurt your relationship, understand sometimes that's okay because they need to understand where their boundaries are in that relationship. If there's other ways that you find that this is increasingly getting hurt, it's hurting you, it's hurting the dynamic, it's hurting productivity and your whole workplace, then you got to say something. You got to do it. So you can always try the, then be funnier, or then work on your material, or something to that effect. Or here's another one that I encourage you to use, Sky. And this one is, I'm surprised, or I'm surprised by that. So if he's saying something, he's like, I'm just joking, just joking. Well, you go, well, I'm surprised. What do you mean? So I'm just surprised. They go, surprised by what? In other words, you're going to continue this dialogue a little bit. Just like that, he might already start to try and fix what he said. If you go, "Well, but he— well, I'm surprised," automatically he might already start to fumble over his words, might try and retract and go, "Oh, what I meant to say was," and steer away from it and fix it and realize that I'm not going to do that again. But if you continue this dialogue, you can easily say, "Look, I'm just surprised you— I'm surprised you went with that. I'm surprised you went with that." That's the one. Say, I'm surprised. You have a little bit of interaction. You go, I'm just surprised you went with that one. You hear that? It's them not knowing what to do. That's what that sound is. And all they know is I'm not going to be joking around with Scott again in that way. Not that you can't be funny, not that you can't have this interaction, but when it gets to be hurtful, you have to put up some kind of wall, a barrier, an instruction manual to say, this is not okay with me. So one that I want you to use, Scott, next time that happens, is you go, "I'm surprised. I'm surprised by that." Eventual thing is, "I'm surprised you went with that. I'm surprised you think that's okay." You hear it? When you say, "I'm surprised," you can come up with any response that you want, Scott. I'm just a guy giving you some suggestions. But if you can say, "I'm surprised by that," and then you're engaged, you have them, and say, I'm surprised you went with that, or surprised you think that's okay, or I'm surprised that you've said that out loud. See the difference? Now you don't have to have that, ha ha ha, that's a good one, that kind of interaction. You know that's not genuine and you know it's fake. And most of all, Scott, you know that it's tearing down your self-esteem. So I'd go with that, and I think it's going to work out really well for you. Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you enjoyed today's podcast, I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast, and if you would leave a review or a star or a like or whatever you can, it really, really makes a difference. If you have any suggestions for a topic, just throw them in the comments and I'm definitely going to be reading those. I read those almost every day. And as always, you can try that and follow me.