What to do when someone cries in the workplace | Jefferson Fisher

What do you think about crying in the workplace? Oh, how do you— have you had that happen? What do you do when it happens in the workplace? I had it happen once and I totally— I just froze and panicked and did everything the opposite of your recommendation. So I need the advice for myself.

If you find yourself crying, your eyes watering in an argument, this is what you do. Absolutely nothing. Don't you dare for one second apologize or be sad or apologetic that you cry. It is, it is part of your natural biology. The higher the tension, the higher the release. That's it. It's, it's what I say is it's your stress in liquid form. That's all it is. And what you need to do is One, recognize this is not something to apologize for. It's what your body does naturally. Do you apologize when you yell? Not that what you are, it's that you, the act of yelling, it's what you say that gets you in trouble. Like, you don't apologize when you belt when you sing. It's the same thing. It's just what you choose to come out of your mouth, how you form your words. But number one, you don't apologize for it. Number two, label the tears. So it can be, let's say you are at work. It's It's not the, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm crying. Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed. I'm so sorry. Uh-uh. None of that. Don't ever do that. I don't, I don't want to hear that. That is downgrading your own self-esteem. It's not that, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm so embarrassed.

I'm sorry.

I'm crying. Nope. You're going to just wipe them away without saying anything. And if you need to label them, it's going to be, these are tired tears. These are grateful tears. These are stress tears. These are overwhelmed tears. These, these are tears that care. Whenever you label them, you are claiming the power over them. It's not a, I am just so pathetic. Oh my goodness, I need to just— forget me. Let me be in the background. Don't look at me, please. It is that you have to step into it of understanding what your body naturally does. And if you're the other person, let's say, um, let's reverse this. And I'm the one, for some reason, I'm starting to cry in this argument. Cody, what you don't do is go, here we go. All right, let me guess, you're going to cry. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. Okay. No, no, you cry. Get it all out. Yeah, that's right. I'm the bad guy. Like, that is just making it so much worse. Again, it's biology. You can't help it. It happens naturally. There are people that are just big criers. And to me, that's their superpower. They can feel far more than anybody else can. It's their emotional intelligence on display. That just means they feel a lot. And I find it to be such a down— I find it to be such a disservice when people apologize when they cry, because it is— it's part of what makes us human. What's scarier is if you never cry.

That probably is scary.

Yeah, that's scary. What are you, an animal? Even animals cry. Like, were you a robot? That's just not, that's not, that's not real. That's not realistic. So one would be never apologize for it. You're not going to say anything. I'm so sorry about this. Two is going to be that you label those tears. And if you're the other person, you're never going to make somebody feel bad for it. You're not going to call them out. If you want to just nudge a tissue for them. That's it. Don't pick it up and go, here, throw it at them or something. Just be there and don't stop the communication. If the other person's crying, don't stop. You can say you need a timeout. That's fine. Otherwise, you just keep listening. In fact, you say out loud, I'm listening. I'm listening. Keep going. I'm listening. As if, don't worry about this. I'm not paying attention to any of that. I'm listening. Keep going. Like, that is way more empowering than you going, oh, are you okay? You're crying. Do we need to have a timeout? Are you— as soon as you're calling attention to it, you've already went off track.

Yeah, because you're almost— it's almost like you're anxious about their emotions. You're like, oh yeah, let me put this away, hide it, put it in a box.

Exactly. Oh no, we can't see it. Exactly.

That was me for sure.

Well, and there— but there are also people that use tears to manipulate. And there are people that can whip up tears on a dime to get what they want. But that all the more highlights the importance of that does not change how you are going to talk to them. Yeah, I'm listening. I'm here. You're good. As if it's not bothering you at all. I mean, just— it's just part of biology. You wouldn't do anything different if you scratched their eye. I mean, it's an itch that they scratched because their body told them it does. It's no different.

Don't label it more.

Yeah, you don't say, oh, you need to blow your nose, here we go. It's like, it's just part of what makes us a human.

Yeah, well, I think the opposite can happen in the workplace. As opposed to being annoyed, you can almost overcompensate with kindness in a way. Oh, we don't need to talk about this. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, let's take a break. Oh, you're right. And that is sometimes I think when tears can be used from a non-positive perspective too. But you have to control the frame as a boss, I think, also and say like, okay, you know exactly what you said. I'm listening.

Yeah, keep going.

That is such a good way to do it if you do feel complete endearment and also to say, hey, we're still going to talk about this.

Exactly.

Whether you need time or not is okay. Yeah, we got to have this conversation.

Yeah. It's like a cop with pulling somebody over who starts to cry, thinking the crying is going to get them out of it. It's like you just like, nope. Yep. No, we're still going to address what we're here to address. You can cry. It's all good. I'm here. I'm listening. No, we're still going to have to do X, Y, and Z. And it's a way that I think people find they don't want to— they can't feel like they're fully themselves in that moment. So you're going to have to let it go.

Yeah, I did have one employee that had a great line, I thought. She was like, I am super emotional. I feel things a lot. She said, but I have a high emotional metabolism.

Oh, I like that.

So she's like, it might just— I'm having happy tears or I'm having frustrated tears, but I'm actually— I got it out and now I'm kind of like a dog shaking after, you know, getting attacked by something.

I think that's genius.

Yeah, I thought it was great.

I have to do a lot of the times in depositions, I'm asking questions of somebody and it might be a very emotional— I mean, we're talking about a child, their child who died in the accident. You see how that's very different. I'm going to be as slow as I can, even though there are questions I have to get on the record as part of the case that I have to talk to them about. And there's one side. And then there are other people who know they're guilty, not from like a prosecution standpoint, but they know what they've done. And so out of guilt, out of not wanting to be here, or just overwhelmed, it's a very intense spotlight moment, they start to cry. And you never go act exasperated about it. It's still— you're still gonna have to answer the question. I'm happy to give you all the space that you need, but that's, that's the best way to handle it.

How important is smiling in communication? You smile a lot, even like across your delivery lines. Is that intentional? Is that who you are? And should other people be smiling more as they communicate?

Well, I'm definitely not telling anybody that they should smile more. I'm not walking into that.

Oh yeah, that's—

you're right, you're right, you're right. Not walking into that. You smile more, especially if it's a woman.

Come do it in the office. That's a great idea.

Yeah, I'm not saying nothing, um, to the point of does the activity of smiling help or hurt you? It doesn't hurt. Now it has to be genuine. Like, for me, I always want to— it's part of my life, of just who I am, is I really enjoy, through my personality, giving warmth. Yeah, I want them to feel very warm talking to me. In depositions, when I need to get information from my siblings, when I'm calming them down growing up, I mean, every step of the way, again, it's that calm energy. How can you feel very warm? When you're warm with someone, they want to be near you. They want to give you more information. They want to work with you. Even on the opposite side of the table, especially in negotiations, especially in business deals, if I can make the person feel good, separate from the actual deal that is being made, the likelihood of the deal getting— being successful just skyrockets. Too many times I've had it, let's say, in the service industry. It's a waitress, it's somebody at the hotel counter, it's somebody who's behind whatever. If I can make them feel good and just give the warmth of my genuine personality, they want to help you. People have— they feel needed. When they can be helpful. And when it is that sense of warmth and smiling, it's a whole lot, it's a whole lot better. That's part of the— you think of it like the music. If you could pick out some of the top 5 people that are influential to you, Cody, and then you put like a song with their name, think of the people that calm you down, and you can apply like a song or a band of who they would be. Have you seen those pictures that match people to their dog?

Oh yeah.

And they like—

I think they call that Bowser's, right?

They look— yeah, they look very, they look very similar. And I always find that so funny. Yeah, it's the same kind of concept. You pick the song that goes with that person, and what you'll find is whoever's the easiest to listen to, if it's just always really, really loud and that frequency's high and they're always complaining and the registry's really hot, you don't wanna listen to it, at least not for long. And the people that are, you know, I'm a James Taylor kind of guy. That's how I was raised. I'm a Jim Croce, I'm a singer-songwriter era. That's how I was raised. And that's how I talk. And it's the easy listening, as Time Life would say. That's like my kind of classics. All right, and so you apply that and it's just easy listening. You have people that are very hard and rock and stone, and that's maybe more of a, I don't know, maybe it's a Pearl Jam. Maybe it's somebody who's a lot more harder off the cuff. Maybe there's some Metallicas out there. I mean, there are people that you apply that, that's how you want to listen to them, and that's how long you want to listen to them. So people that are easy to listen to and go, you know what, I could put this on the background, I can listen, versus that I honestly can't take much of their personality. It's like I don't enjoy that kind of music. Yeah, it's the same exact concept.

That's actually a great mechanism to use to see if you want to spend more time with somebody or not. Because if I was picturing faces, I had an immediate reaction to song, which might actually tell you whether this is a friend you want to spend a lot of time with.

Yeah. Or a spouse. I mean, or a relationship. It's what's the band that you, you put with them? Because that's, that's the vibe.

Yeah, it's a good point. And there's no right or wrong answer. It's just right or wrong for you. Yeah, I like—

yeah, it's all, it's all a matter of taste.

Yeah. We actually, when I first started filming content when, uh, like, maybe you guys are like me, but when I'm seriously thinking about something and you're like deep in your mind, and I'm very— I have a very serious face, so I make this intense face. And so they used to have to put this big, uh, this big sign behind me that just said, "Smile, bitch," because I just don't.

Yeah, yeah.

And so, and I realized though that I think if you can choose almost between, in many instances, hyper-competence or hyper-likability, I might err on the side of likability more often than I ever thought.

Oh yeah.

And this is a perfect example of why, but this is coming from a finance hardo like me where I thought I would choose hyper-competence all the time. It's not the case though.

It is extremely effective. It loses its steam faster than likability. You can do something because somebody is really efficient. You will do it more if you like them. And so it's— people will follow you longer. People will listen to you longer. People are willing to make shortcuts, exceptions. They will make a miracle for you if they like you. And that's not from a position of faking it. That's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying at all. I mean, you know good and well from our personalities, there's no faking this. People know that's not what—

no, we'll figure you out real quick.

Exactly. Yeah, yeah. It's just who we are now. Anybody can call a spade a spade. So I'm not at all saying you have to smile or be warm, and if that's not you, don't worry about it. You always have to be authentic and genuine to yourself. I would say also for me, from even the importance of in trial litigation, I might be sitting down and somebody else is questioning a witness. If the judge rules against me on something, maybe the attorney is going into something we agreed already before the trial started he can't go into. Now, if I object, and go, objection, Your Honor, he can't, we, uh, you know, he can't talk about this. And that's a speaking objection, don't worry about it. If, if I said something, objection, Your Honor, hearsay, and the judge ruled against me for some reason, and I went, and I acted put out, now how do you think the jury is going to react? They're going to go, oh, there's something he doesn't want us to know. They're going to say, oh, he's hiding something. Oh, he's not authentic. Oh, it's not real. Versus me acting like it just doesn't bother me. And so most of the time, if you can just act pleasant and polite— if you have a hard time doing that, then that's just gonna be a hard life. I find it, in my opinion, there's a lot to be happy about. But yeah, if you can be— if you smile, it's never gonna hurt you. That doesn't mean it's like— for some people, you constantly have to remember, oh yeah, my neutral face is not that likable. There's some that— like my sister. I love my sister, Sarah. If you're listening, I love you. That when she's not smiling, you think she hates everybody.

Yeah.

I mean, she has a very hard resting face.

Yeah.

But when you talk, she's as pleasant and as happy as can be. So you just have to go with what's natural to you.

Yeah, I think And a lot of what you talk about is you go with what's natural to you, but at least you can choose. If you know the tools on the table, then you could say, hey, listen, my face is naturally angry looking. And so I don't always feel like smiling, but I do it more because I know this tool on the table works in helping other people like me. And if they like me, then I might get more of the life that I want because I might be able to walk a little lighter on the world. My husband has the same thing. He has like a very square jaw. He has kind of an intense face and he will just have people give him a harder time. Than me for whatever reason. And a lot of times I joke that it's because he looks so serious. And I think there's something really to this. And so if you can steal these hacks, then why not?

Yeah. Oh yeah, if they're just there, you know, why not? Well, there's people who look scarier than other people.

He's a little scary.

I mean, it's probably why. And, um, and so when you have people that go— it's— and it's, it's just part of life. It's the Who you see is who you think they are, and then you actually get to talk to 'em and the big huge guy is a big teddy bear. Or, you know, it comes a million different ways, but anytime that you can just give a little bit of warmth, even if it's a little joke, even if it's a little bitty comment, you're gonna find you're gonna get more out of it than you ever thought. If you enjoyed that clip and wanna see the rest of the conversation, you can click right here. Or if you wanna see the latest episode of the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, Click right here and I'll meet you there.