What You Need To Do When You Get Emotionally Triggered

How do you not get triggered emotionally though in life? Like personally, if someone's coming at you or attacking you or making you wrong, how do you keep your cool and not get defensive and take things personally?

Or do you? It's very natural to take things personally, but what I say before I want to take things personally is I'll say, I'll say, put it down, Jefferson. I'll say, put it down. Most of the time when we're taking something personally, we're picking something up that nobody asked us to carry, and we're just choosing to hold on to it, choosing to say this was meant for me. And that's not always the case. And too many times we get— somebody says, why are you taking this so personally? And they turn around, we're holding it all like, well, why are you holding that? I didn't ask you to hold any of that. So you, you get in a position to where The how personal you take something is a direct reflection of how much grace you give other people. And if I start to take things too personally— oh, well, somebody's just going slow in front of me on purpose, uh, they're showing up late because they want to show a sign to me— it's just all these different ways of treating things negatively. For the most part, you take it personally, and that's— you just drop it. Drop that thought because you're not giving them enough grace.

Where did you learn to let things go and put things down? Did you have this calm about you as a kid, or did something over time help you realize, okay, I don't need to hold on to this baggage or stress?

It's just been a— as if it's a blacksmith hitting on a piece of hot metal, man. I just— my whole life has been that from—

really?

Yeah, from my upbringing. A lot of attorneys in the family. I'm the oldest of 4. I love being the big brother. That meant I had to do a lot of mediating with siblings, a lot of— I was the kid in the corner who just got to hear all the courtroom stories. And so they would teach you how to project and how to present and how to persuade and how to pace. I mean, it was, it was awesome. And that just kind of translated with what I like. Some people are really good at math. Or economics or accounting. Not me. This is my thing.

Sure, sure.

Yeah.

I think a lot of people in today's world want to be great at winning arguments. What would you say if you wanted to win an argument would be the 3 keys to set yourself up for success?

Number 1 would be understand that arguments aren't always meant to be won. So there's a trap of thinking that there can only be one on top of the mountain. And if that is true, then that's a very lonely place to be. And arguments, in my view, are an opportunity to create understanding. It's okay to have conflict. You and I can argue about something, but when it gets negative, that's when it's bad. You and I could argue of who's the best baseball team. And, you know, that's a disagreement that ratchets up a little bit more, becomes an argument. Maybe we get a little bit more passionate.

Sure.

But number one is that don't get into the trap of thinking that you have to win it, because when you do, it just— it's only going to breed contempt because it comes at a cost. And maybe you made fun of them. Maybe you said something that was, you know, too final, too close to the vest. So number two is know what the end goal is. Oftentimes we get into this argument and what happens, we're like 10 minutes into it and we go, how do we start this? How did we even get here? What were we arguing about in the first place?

Right, right, right.

And that meant that it wasn't real. Most of the time when that happens, it means that the true issue you were arguing about was just a red herring. That's just a surface. So it's— you have to know where you're going to go. In the argument. So what the final outcome is. And number 2, how are you going to heal it? Because if it's an issue of especially emotion, if you don't heal it in a way that is going to continue to create that, that positive understanding and interaction, you will, you will lose every time.

How to heal the argument or how to heal the disagreement or whatever is happening between you and the other person.

Right. Which involves taking accountability. For what your behavior has done. Yeah, it— one of the worst ways to do that is say, well, I would have done it had you not done— right? If you say, I would have— I wouldn't have said this if you not said that. No, no, you don't need to. Once you start tallying who did what, you're already in a losing situation. The, the correct response is, I'm sorry that I said this, I could have done better. And that acknowledgement of, I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean that. I'm gonna do better. Just that little promise says, I'm wanting to heal this rather than go kick rocks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm curious, you know, it sounds like something that, that type of language sounds like something that would work really well in intimate relationship, a partner, you know, in a marriage, if people spoke like that, hey, I didn't mean it like that, I'm really sorry, I'm sorry if that hurt you, that's not what I really meant. I'm sure that would help heal and mend arguments and disagreements in a beautiful, loving way. I'm curious from your experience, you've been married 11 years now, is that correct?

11, yeah.

You've been doing trial law for how long?

8.

8 years. Okay.

So yeah, about 10, 10 years. Yeah.

Roughly around the same time.

Yeah.

What is the number one skill you bring to trial law that you aren't as good in marriage and relationships? And what is the number one thing you do well in your marriage that you wish you did better in trial law?

In the first scenario of what do I do well at court that I don't do well at home?

Or not as well.

Yeah, not as well. Manage my emotions.

You manage emotions really well at court.

Yes, you have to. I can't be acting a fool.

Right.

You know what I'm saying? Like there's too much at stake and you're, as a profession, that's not a place to be doing that versus at home. Yeah, I get mad about, I mean, all kinds of things.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, we— I'm human. I mean, but of course I'm not somebody who lashes out. I'm not— I'm not a big emotionally reactive person. I'm pretty much like this.

Yeah.

But that doesn't mean that the fifth time I, you know, my son's asked me for a popsicle, that it's, no, man, it's after bedtime. We've already eaten one a day. It's time to go to bed.

I've already said no.

Yeah, yeah. I've already said no. And like, you just— it's easy to try and get that. So dealing with those emotions, I also think a lot of that is home is a safe place to express and feel your emotions, right? Versus in the workplace, not so much.

You may not succeed as well. You got in your career or accelerate your—

not mine. Yeah, yeah, if you are, because if you're always emotionally reactive in my profession, you're just seen as a hothead and somebody that nobody can work with.

Not credible.

No, not, not credible. On the flip side of it, what do I do well at home? That I don't do nearly as well in the, in the workplace. Man, that's, that's hard. I feel like what we do really well at home is sometimes have like very direct, fast arguments. My wife's also an attorney.

Oh man.

Yeah. Yeah.

You both got your case.

Yeah. Yeah. You're both. So, but our arguments are extremely efficient. Like they, I can't, I can count on one hand the amount of times they've actually been like long.

Really?

Yeah. And it's typically pretty, pretty quick.

How do you, how do you create quick arguments? How do you end arguments quickly?

Quick apologies.

Really? And you both apologize fast?

Yes, but, but we will kind of package it. It's not like we have a formula or like, let's go to the book. No, it's not. This is what we've like developed over time is when I heard you say this, it made me think this. I didn't mean that. Okay, well, I will. Next time I'll try to ask you this before I go there.

I won't make an assumption. Yeah, I won't get upset right away without asking you further.

Yeah.

Interrogations. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got it. Oh yeah. I can't tell you how many times I'll hear like, stop cross-examining. Like, she can pick it up immediately. I don't mean to do it. Yeah, it's just happening. But sure. Yeah.

Okay.

She quickly shuts that down.

What is a top strategy or technique that you've learned ethically to get what you want from people, to persuade, influence, and enroll others, strangers or people you know very well, in getting something you want?

You have to give them a reason to want to give it to you, and it needs to come from a place of making them happy to do so. And when it becomes a place of rather a negotiation, which makes them feel like they've lost something, you couch it and frame it in a way that feels like they've gained something. And so if you and I are across the table in a negotiation, whatever you give, you've lost. But if I can say, you know what, Lewis, Man, you've just been doing so well. You hit 3 million on YouTube now. I mean, your stuff's just going off the charts. You know what you could be really good at, and I'd love to see, is X, Y, and Z. And all of a sudden, it's like a shift of you're sitting on the same side of the table as me, and now I'm trying to help you inspire other thoughts that are also aligned with what I want. And that's a much Now you're going to say, well, that sounds sneaky. No, it's, it's not. It's actually getting what you, you need sometimes. Yeah. In a way that is also benefiting the other person.

Right.

I'd much rather that way than say, I don't like you, you don't like me, we're just going to have a bloodbath and have at it.

Sure.

May the best guy win.

Right, right.

Yeah. So just don't ask for a pay arm wrestle right now. You're going to win that one.

When you go into a negotiation, you know, you're about to negotiate something. Yeah. What is the best intention you should have going into it so that you can create the best outcome for you and the other person still feels like they didn't lose?

The— so Chris Voss's book is fantastic, Never Split the Difference. And one of the things about tactical empathy is making the other person feel like you're you want the best for them, that you're, that you're in their camp, and you're not going to get emotionally reactive in the, in the answer. You're, you, you're already addressing the issues that you're expecting them to, to think of. So like, you'll say, you're probably thinking that X, Y, and Z. You're— it sounds to me like he's already kind of given these hints of what he's already picking up on. And when you say what already they are thinking in their mind, you pull it out on the table really quickly, and then, and then, and then that's it. What I will do a lot of the times is somebody gives some kind of objection, not like in a legal sense in a courtroom, but I'll say, aside from that, aside from what you just said, anything else that I should know about? They say no. Great. And then I'll typically give it like a two-path thing. So I will, I will ask more questions. Say typically when I hear that Some, it means that they really don't want to talk to me, and that's, that's okay if you're not ready to right now. If there's some, they actually do want to talk about, they're not sure what they want to say. Is it really 1 or 2 for you? And then you'd be able to kind of delve for that, but it's inviting them into a way that it's going to get you what you want at the end. Right, right.

That's interesting.

Yeah.

And how do you build confidence in conversations with people that are difficult, that are smarter than you, potentially, that are older than you. How do you create confidence in challenging conversations to make sure that you're on the same playing field with the other person and you get the results you want in the conversation, whether it's just a conversation or negotiation?

One would be to do not let defensiveness be your first step. As soon as you take that step, you've lost. A better way to do it is let your breath be the first word that you say. So if you think of your breath as a word, it kind of changes your mind of, okay, now I can address this. Because what we'll do is we'll hold our breath like that. And then, I mean, you know, this thing kicks in our nerves, then comes in the adrenaline, then comes in the defensiveness, you realized, I haven't even breathed yet, you know. And, um, and when it comes to, to, to confidence, of course we can say it's the way you project, it's the way you smile, it's the way you pace your conversation, keeping your voice low, keeping your words slow. It's all these kind of things, is the perception that I don't have to say anything more than what I need to say. Because oftentimes more words says less. You need to eliminate that.

Right, right. Less words says more. Yeah.

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