You’re Not Responsible for Their Emotions

You are not a target. You are not somebody's punching bag. You are not somebody's outlet for all of their frustration and their anger and their insecurities that have been built up all their life. This episode is a little bit different for the podcast. One, it's very early on a Saturday morning, and I wanted to record this so that I had the full day with the kids. So if it looks like my face hasn't woken up yet, it's because it hasn't. It's— we're in the middle of the book tour, which is going fantastic, but I wanted to make time to tell you what is on my heart. You ready? Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you like learning tools to improve your communication, I want you to follow this podcast. If you're watching it wherever you are, please add it as a subscriber and give it a like, give it a star. Anything really makes a difference. So I appreciate that. And if you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. Hey, and while we're at it, how are you liking the podcast? Really? I know I've moved out of my car, so I was making them in my car, really just an iPhone. And I had this— I say the studio built that you're seeing, it's just a room. That's it. Nothing fancy. So how are you liking it? Do you like it better when I'm just in my car? Do you like the studio? You like the setup? Is the sound better for you? And because it is a better mic, do you like me having guests and trying that out, or do you like it when I do solo, or do you like a mix of both? I am at a time in my life where I am making sure my priority is that whatever I do, it's fitting the life that I have with my family as the priority. And I will always make my videos and do all that. And there's a lot of wonderful things coming down the road that I can't wait to share with you. But right now with this podcast, I wanna make sure it fits my life because that's where I'm gonna show up best for you every time. So I want you to let me know, gimme some feedback. How are you liking it? This episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth. I like Cozy Earth because I wear it all the time, especially when I'm traveling, especially when I'm home. It's just cozy, it's comfortable. There's a reason why it's called that. And my wife loves it. She wears her pajamas. We have their bedsheets. It's really, really comfortable. So you ought to give it a try. cozyearth.com/jefferson and use the code Jefferson. For 40% off. I promise you, they feel amazing. Cozyearth.com/Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. My book, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, is out. You can order wherever you like to order books. You can go to jeffersonfisher.com or you can go to thenextconversation.com. You'll find the links down in the show notes to get yours. It is officially a New York Times bestseller. Instant Sunday Times bestseller, and I couldn't be any more grateful because I know it's because of you. Anybody who's listening to this right now or anybody who's purchased the book or supported my content, thank you so much. If you're interested in going even further in improving your communication, I'm going to encourage you to join the Jefferson Fisher School of Communication. It's an online membership where I'm able to have live classes with everyone. They're able to use my AI. We're actually able to give more worksheets and tools and resources than ever before. I encourage you to give it a try. There are links for it down in the show notes. So my book has been out for a little over a week now, and it's been fantastic, amazing. The book tour is going wonderful. And as any new debut author, I, for good or for bad, have been looking at reviews online because you want to know, are people going to like the book? That's the whole— you get very nervous. Are you going to deliver on the message? And the reviews have been so kind and wonderful. And there was one that hit me yesterday that I randomly saw that I wanted to share with you. It's very short. I know you can listen to it. Just bear with me. I know you can do it. Listen, you are not a target. I was once told by my husband, you are an easy target and everyone knows it. Time and again, I walked away defeated, even with my children. Jefferson showed me what I lacked was communication skills. From his social media, I started applying these answers to difficult situations. Let me be clear, this is not a book of his social media quips. That's what I thought it would be. No, it is learning to understand where people are and to adequately communicate with them. It's teaching to deepen relationships by way of strong communication skills. You are not a weak person for purchasing this book. You are strong and courageous for recognizing there is a better way to bridge a gap, create healthy boundaries that work, to not get sucked down a rabbit hole, to not think you've lost your mind. I highly recommend, and I'm starting my second read-through. Kindle edition is an easy read. Bless you, Jefferson, for exhibiting love for people. I was just taken aback. I was totally blown away by this. I have no clue who this person is. In fact, they didn't even leave their name. It just says verified purchaser. This is my point with this is I want you to know where to go in your mind when conflict comes your way. You are not a target. And if you felt like you've been your whole life, this is where it stops. Rule number 1 in my book, there are 3 rules. It's rule number 1, say it with control. Number 2, say it with confidence. Number 3, say it to connect. And the whole focus of rule number 1 is you can't say anything about what I teach you, whether it's my phrases, my quips, my little words, everything that I can give you, none of it matters if you do not say it with control. If you do not first regulate yourself. So we're going to talk about in this episode, what I want you to think about when conflict comes your way. Anytime that somebody says something that you weren't expecting, your body naturally through its biology reacts. People think that fight or flight is something that has to happen when you come with physical contact. No, that's not true. It happens every day in these little micro-moments. Even when somebody just flatly disagrees with you, when somebody disagrees with your opinion, or they say something you don't like, or they call you an ugly name, your body goes, hey brain, I didn't like that. And the brain goes, give me a second. Yeah, no, we definitely didn't like that. And it naturally reacts. You have a scowl on your face. You want to say something back. You get heated. Your neck and jaw get tense. All biological, all normal, all natural. So what do you do with that? Rule number 1 in my book is you use your breath as the first word that you say. And the reason why is because it adds a distance between what they say and how you respond, which gives you time to regulate yourself, to think of the quips that I give you and the sentences I give you. And it also— the other benefit is it allows the other person to calm down theirs as well, gives time for that analytical side to take over. Every day, there are little things that tell your body, I am threatened. Somebody cuts in front of you in traffic, somebody merges, somebody's riding on your bumper, your body goes, I am threatened. That's where road rage comes from. I feel threatened in this environment. When you're talking with your kids, when somebody says something to you that they disagree with your opinion, they dismiss your idea. You don't like that. Your body's saying, hey, that feels threatening to me. I want you to do something for me right now. Now, if you're driving, don't worry about it. If you're walking on the treadmill, don't worry about it. You can do it later. Do it in your head with me right now. I want you to think of behavior that somebody does that really, really upsets you. And we're going to put a label on it. For example, maybe it's disrespect, dismissive, condescending, belittling, rude, whatever it is, make it yours. What is a behavior that somebody exhibits that really just, just feels like it sets you off? That just, you just explode when somebody does this to you. You got it? You find that word. Now write it down, and right next to it, I want you to write, does not threaten me. Does not threaten me. So the sentence would be, dismissiveness does not threaten me. Rude comments, backtalk, insults do not threaten me. This is the mindset I want you to have when this kind of stuff comes up in your life. Why? Because it is telling your body of, hey, when somebody raises their voice, that doesn't threaten me. When somebody calls me that, the way I'm reacting and telling my body is, hey, this does not threaten me. That's what you're doing with your breath in that moment. That's why we give it time to tell your body what is happening in front of me is not a threat, right? It's this idea that you have— you've seen the big animals, whether it's a lion or an elephant or something, they have like some maybe a little dog or something, they just go, what is this? It's like a little animal coming up to a big animal. They're not threatened in any way. That's the whole mindset here of, hey, what you're doing is— this isn't threatening to me. I'm seeing right through it. Cool. I'm going to tell you a quick story right now that I haven't— I don't think I've ever shared. This was, I don't know, maybe 3 weeks ago or so. And where was I? I think it was in San Diego Airport. I was in the San Diego Airport. It may have been San Diego. Everything's blurring, blending together at this moment, and it's early. Give me a break. Is I got through security at TSA and went, and I was looking for my gate, looking for my gate, and I kept following the signs, and then all of a sudden I was outside of it. Outside of the security, the gate, the terminal. It wasn't the terminal. The gate was actually in a separate terminal. And I just walked myself all the way through. I'd already gone through security. I'd already gone through all the check and the getting your stuff out and ready and giving your ID. I had— I started walking out and I passed this exit where it goes, you know, the point of no return. Where it has a red line there at the airport. And I walk out of it. And all of a sudden, this is me by myself. And I look and I go, I say this out loud, I go, oh my gosh, I gotta do this all over again. Because I have to know I'm going further down where a separate terminal is. And I say, oh my gosh, I gotta do this all over again. And a voice that I had no clue where it was coming from. Female voice goes, "That's why you should read the signs, sir." And I'm trying to find who that is, and I turn and look. And as I'm looking, she goes, "You have no one to blame but yourself, sir. That's why we have signs." I don't know if you're feeling this, just hearing it to me, just the way the tone came across. Was so condescending and unexpected and unnecessary. You ever had that? That's why we have signs, sir. You have no one to blame but yourself. And I remember being just taken aback. Who, who are you? And it was a TSA agent. Now, if you're a TSA agent, I know not everybody is rough and can be terrible. And hey, I'm an attorney, for crying out loud. Not all attorneys are bad. There's some TSA agents that are wonderful. There are some people that are bad. We all have bad apples in every profession. This one right here, this lady, she was middle-aged lady, uh, just looked so smug when soon as she said that. And this is what my body wanted to come back with some really good zingers in that moment. I wanted to say a few things to her because it was really rude. It was kind of— it was unnecessary. And this is what I did. Of course, I have to practice what I preach, right? I gave it— I looked at her for like 5 seconds trying to figure out, is this— did she say that? And I just give it time. And now she's sitting back and blinking and looking at me. Her smile is gone. And this is what I asked her. I said, how do you feel when you say that kind of thing to someone? Does it give you joy? That's what I said, verbatim. And immediately, She got red, like, and just got red in the face and apologized right there. I don't have to prompt anything. She goes, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sir. You're right, that wasn't kind. You're right, sir. I'm sorry. Yes, you, you can find the terminal if you go straight down. And now she was in helping mode. Now she's in helping mode. You can go right here, and this is where it's going to be. I would say, oh, well, thank you very much. I appreciate that. All right, you have a wonderful day. You are not a target. You are not somebody's punching bag. You are not the outlet for somebody to release all of their frustrations and their angers and their smugness on you. These tools work. This is why I talk about them. That's why I feel so passionate about sharing these. You had the choice right in that moment when somebody says something ugly, when they're the TSA agent in your life? How are you going to react? What are you going to say to that person? Are you going to allow them to just press your remote control and manipulate all your emotions? I had a choice. You have a choice. Is that going to ruin your day? I just can't believe you'd say that. Excuse me, is that what— excuse me, are you talking to me? You see how it easily could go the other way when you give in to that fight or flight, when you don't use your breath? When you don't regulate yourself. If you do not say things with control, it doesn't matter what kind of tip I can give you. It's not going to work. It ain't gonna work. You have to say it with control. You are not a target. I hope that this is a good reminder for you wherever you are. I can give you lots of tools and tips on what to say, and we have different podcast episodes on that, and I'm going to continue to give you podcast episodes on this. And I want to make sure that you know, and you hear, and really the message is very simple for today. You are not a target. When that happens, I want you to go to your breath, regulate yourself, and then use the questions that I've taught you. These are questions like, did you mean— did you mean for that to be rude? Did you mean to insult me? Did you mean for that to embarrass me? Or you give it time and then you ask somebody a question of intent. How did you expect me to react to that? I could have said that to her. How did you want me to respond to that? How does it make you feel? Imagine being the person who would say that to someone. These ways of responding to rude behavior that is actually not a response, it's a question. You're not giving them matters of substance. I'm not saying, let me— you, you spit in my eye, let me spit back in yours. No, it is a reflection of their own behavior and character. And 9 times out of 10, the other person sees that because they— because you're giving them time to— are seeing. It's like, uh, the, the blood, the, the red— it's not blood the red comes out of their system, you know, or somebody's seeing red, you have to give them time for that to go away. Come back to normal. Come back. I know that's not who you are. People are not— people are far better than we give them a chance to be. Why? Because we know that in ourselves. So when you have the patience and the discipline to get to that, you're going to have a better communication and a better relationship and a better life because of that. Cool. All right. You are not a target. Hope you have a wonderful day. Oh, you thought I forgot? As always, you can try that and follow me.