The 3 Questions Every Parent Should Help Their Teen Answer Before College | Featuring James McLamb

Parents, is your teen college ready? Are you feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or excited about your teen applying to college? Do you know what colleges are looking for? And if your kid gets in, do you know what you'll pay for it? College admission has never been so competitive or expensive. Shellee Howard will take you on a journey to help you and your teen get college ready. Now here's your host, Shellee. Well, hello again, parents. This is Shellee Howard, the founder and CEO of CollegeReady. And today on Parents, Is Your Teen College Ready? I am joined by a wonderful guest. I can't wait to share with you Mr. James McLamb. Welcome to the show.

Thank you so much, Shellee Howard. And you were a guest on my podcast this past year and we enjoyed our time together. I'm glad to be able to share with your audience as well. Maybe bring some value to your audience as well today.

Right. Sounds great. High energy here, families. You know how we do it. James, can you tell our listeners a little bit about what you're going to talk about today and who you are?

Well, I've been working in the youth development field for over 30 years. There's not a lot of people who have stuck with it that long, but I have. I started off as a teacher, was a teacher for almost a decade. I've been a youth speaker, camp director, conference specialist, consulted in youth, and now we train people who really want to work with youth on how to be the most effective coaching. It is something that I wake up every morning thinking about. It occupies my mind. I am a geek when it comes to understanding what the youth mind is doing and the issues that they're facing and how we may do it. I want to be that person that people come to for a resource because I just have a burning desire to help them. And I wake up every morning with this passion and I go to sleep with this passion. It's what drives everything I do. So I want to be that youth coach resource for people. And I feel like strongly that with the things that we've done, the books that we've written, the resources, the programs we've developed, that we're well on our way helping to equip. Trusted adults so that they can help emerging generations thrive.

So good. So for the parents who are listening, what does all of that really mean to them? How can they take what your passion is and turn it into something that they can utilize at home with their teenagers?

Shellee, I think one of the biggest problems that a parent is gonna encounter to make a difference, whether or not they're a parent of a middle schooler or someone who's going into college, They're struggling with trying to really identify and get a handle on, get their hands on what are the issues that my child is facing? What is really going on? Because there's so many things that we think are the core problems that are just symptoms of the core problems like bullying or peer pressure, anxiety, depression, all these different things, drug use. I just got off the call before I was with you with someone who's passionate about helping to educate parents on THC and its harmful effects on the mind. They all see those things, but are those really what's happening? Can we look a little deeper? Can we go a little deeper and find out what are the core issues and how are they being seen in today's environment? Because when you understand what these core issues that young people face and you realize they are not new problems, these are problems that have been around for probably millennia. I know at least during the last 100 years, the content that we have available to us, we know that's the problem. Once you understand what those problems are, then these other things, you start to see why depression has happened, why loneliness has happened, why peer pressures, why those, and then you can actually attack and find a solution to help them, equip them with the resources they need to overcome those. So I really want to help a parent understand that, that, that's a, that's a definite goal of mine.

So good. So now I'm thinking, I have 4 kids, right? 2 girls and 2 boys, and they all handle those things so differently. And so I'm trying to think which one of my kids am I going to focus on right now as a parent? And so I got one in mind. We won't say their names because we like to keep that to ourselves, but I have this one in mind and I want to know this generation, they've gone through COVID. They're now going through AI. They are going through social media. They see everybody's best day every single day. If I'm a parent, is there anything that you can do or, or suggest that I do to help my child with their anxiety? They're feeling very anxious. Is there anything that you might be able to, to give me? Just a, I, I know that's what you do for a living, but just a, a little, one little thing that I can do when they get home from school or in the morning and not set them off. It seems like everything I say sets them off. Yeah.

Well, I would say that you really want to have intentional conversations with them. Maybe this week you decide for 20, 30 minutes, I'm gonna have a 20 or 30 minute uninterrupted time with my teenager and phones are away, television off. We're just gonna have a conversation and I'm gonna ask them some of these questions. Hey, what do you think you're becoming right now? What, what's the biggest influence on your life right now? What are you excited about for the future? And those 3 questions emerge from those core issues. The core issues— we interviewed 2,500 teenagers from across the United States and England, and we asked them a real simple question. Hey, what's the biggest issue you're facing? Took their answers and we found 3 major areas that most of the answers could fall into. The biggest one is their identity, self-image. So that first question is, is that, you know, who are you becoming? We're going to help them with that. Second one is, you know, who I belong, you know, relationship issue is another problem they struggle with. They want to know where their people are. Who am I supposed to hang out with? How am I supposed to relate to my parents and stuff? So that's the second one. What's that biggest influence in your life right now? Because that'll tell you whether it's you, their teachers, their friends. God forbid if it's Instagram, that'd be scary. And then the last one is purpose and goals. They want to know, why am I here? Now it's ridiculous for us as a parent. Some of the parents that I've dealt with, and I know through your work as well, you've had them do it. They want to, they want to help their child figure out what their life purpose is. That's ridiculous for us to try to help an 18-year-old figure out what their life purpose is. How about for this season of their life? How about for the next 6 months? What, what is their goals and purpose for the next year of their life? If we can get them to identify that, then we're gonna do this. And I apologize. Apparently the people outside the door have just come in to mow. So I had no idea they were gonna show up right now. So I hope that's not a problem.

Oh, you know, beauty of being live and we're just gonna roll with it, right? I mean, that's— That's the beauty of being us. And so I want to help parents really think about how do we take that information and implement it? Because I know if I was this one child I'm thinking about, if I was to say, hey, I'd like an uninterrupted conversation with you for about 20 minutes, they'd be like, what'd I do? Right? They would immediately go to, I must have messed up. And can I just say I'm sorry and not have that conversation? So is, let's just kind of talk about the simplicities of even starting a little bit gentler on, maybe it's the first time that you're having this conversation with your teenager. What would be an approach that would be a little easier, a little softer?

What, here's how I did it once I kind of, that's what I needed to do to help connect with my, my, uh, I have 3 children, 2 of them are in their early 20s. Well, mid-20s now, and one is in his 16. So when I started with the older ones and stuff, the first thing it is, is I just wanted to be present when they were doing stuff. So it may have been watching a favorite show or for my daughter, who is the oldest one, my oldest daughter, she liked to do craft and stuff. So I would just kind of be doing it and wanted to be present and let her know that I cared about what she was interested in, what she was having fun. The middle child, the son, when he was around, he was looking at sports. Sports, or, you know, if he could do this game with some friends, have some friends over and do some games. Now I just kind of hang with them. That gave me the right, by being present there, to later say, you know what, you got a moment? Let's go get some ice cream together. I just want to see what's your— what's going on in your life. Nothing wrong, I'm just curious. And this is Dad geeking out, and, and you can say it's geeky and cringy and stuff, but, you know, just go ahead and identify it as what it is, that they're going to feel exactly what you said. This is weird. So go ahead and say that up front. I know this weird. I wouldn't want to hang out with my parents, but you know what? You ain't here that much longer. You ain't here. I'm a Southerner. You're not around in our house so much longer. I just want to, I just want to take advantage of this time. Let's go get some ice cream. Let's go to Chick-fil-A for lunch. Let's, let's do this and start having those conversations where you just ask a question, resist the temptation to spill out your life stories, telling them stories from when you were their age. Just ask a question and listen and acknowledge them and just, and don't judge. Don't try to. Once you've done that for a little while, then these 30-minute times that you can do, you know, not like a set schedule that you do, but it, they'll come a little bit more naturally. They won't have this hesitation to, oh gosh, here comes mom. Oh, what is she doing? Here comes dad. What is she doing? So I had to sit through— my youngest daughter is a— she's different than the other two. The other two were very sports-driven, you know, much like their dad. The youngest one's very much like her mom, theater and art stuff. So I've had to sit through and watch all these musicals and she's going through this and just— and I like that stuff, but not every night, just so I could earn the right to approach her at other times and ask her questions that she didn't feel like Why is he, why is he coming? Why is he all of a sudden interested in me now? So show interest first, engage them first, and then you've kind of, as parents, you think I don't need to earn the right. They're my kids. I should be able to do this if I want to. Ah, would you have been like that with your parents? Put yourself in their shoes.

So good. And I'm truly like thinking this through, and I know with my firstborn, it was easy to have that one-on-one time. A lot of times it was just the two of us, right? And so we would have some great conversations, but then number two came and those conversations got less because number two wanted to be in on them. And so I remember what I did is we called it once a month date, which means they got to pick anywhere they wanted to go and anywhere they wanted to eat. So it was Froyo or it was a sandwich, Subway, whatever. And we would just have a chat and it would be our once a month for one hour date. And so as they got older, we started this when they were in like they just kind of grew up not knowing that that was weird. And so now they're like, can I have that one of those dates? Like, I miss those dates. Yeah. And so it was not like a structured day and time, but it was something that I made, I really need, I need some time with you. And I didn't make it about them. I made it about me, which kind of took the pressure off. Pressure, right? Take the pressure off. Because I had one child who was like, what'd I do? I'm like, it's not about you. It's about me. I need time with you. So that is incredibly helpful. The other thing we did is we came up with this pass the stick and it came from one of my daughters kept a princess stick. And so we would pass the stick. And so the next person who had to have time with mom would pass the stick to the person who got to have time with mom the next one. And so it became almost like a fun little game instead of like, oh my gosh, they're going to question me about the boy or the dance. And they knew ultimately what it was going to— there was going to get a little bit of that, but I did try to stay genuine. So James, that is so good. Now, what about the kids who are just kind of struggling, ones who are not saying, hey, I'm stressed out, I'm overwhelmed. They are just starting to pull away from the family, starting to pull away from teachers, starting— they're really just kind of receding. As a parent, that's a scary thing because now you're thinking, is it drugs? What in the world? And what can, can you do? What can we— what can one do to help that that child?

The first thing I would say is the parent needs to understand this is not abnormal. When you said, how about that kid who's in silence? I thought you mean the majority of them, because the most kids are not going to share that they're having these struggles and problems. And I know we live in a culture now where we've encouraged folks to be open about this, but they're still developing cognitively. They still don't know how to voice what's happening here, so they're not going to open open up and share everything with you. So first, you need to understand that if you sense something's going on, you're probably right. You have a pulse on this. And to not freak out immediately on what's going on because you're just, it's just a parent. You are just being a parent. It's just part of, part of having a child to understand that. And that is what you and I are talking about, those conversations beforehand, that time spent together. That building that kind of rapport, this is where it starts to pay off because now you can start having those little deeper conversations, those little on the, you know, car ride to school in the morning or, you know, going to an event together or, you know, just, just those bland times on a Saturday morning where everybody's just, you know, hey, let's go out in the yard and work together for a while. Having those conversations in areas that, that they don't feel like they're being interrogated. They don't feel like that they're doing this and you want You want to have these conversations, you want to try to have them as much as you can before they leave. I don't know, you work with a lot of folks who are preparing to go to college and stuff, and a lot of parents, they feel like that college is going to transform their teenagers into something, which I don't think it transforms them anything. It just reveals what maybe has been building all along because now they're free for it to shine. So you want to have these conversations early and often. But for a parent who is like, okay, got a 16-year-old, 17-year-old, we've never done this before.

Yeah.

Not too late. But address the elephant in the room again. Hey, we, I'd love to do this. I'm missing out on this. It's my fault that we've not done this beforehand. And I'm sorry for that. I want to connect with you and learn a little bit more about what's going on in your world, which is gonna require you to learn some things and find out about some information that you're not gonna care about. I didn't care about Call of Duty. But I learned about it. What was my oldest about? Uh, I was a swimmer and I love to see her swim. But if you've ever been a parent of a, of a year-round swimmer, you know, the worst things in the world.

One of those. That's why I'm laughing so hard. I'm like, really? We're going to watch them go back and forth again? Yeah.

Been 4 hours in a hot pool area waiting for them to swim for about 4 minutes total. 3 swims, 5 swims, 4 minutes in the water. And then you're like, okay, that was great. And okay. Hey, what did you learn? Tell me what's— how do you feel? Earning that right to share.

James, what if, you know, a parent's listening and they worked a lot, they weren't around in those formative years, and now they're really understanding, wait a minute, I'm nervous. They're hanging out with the wrong people. They're doing some things that I don't approve of. I'm worried about them. I may have found things in their room. I'm very concerned that maybe they're going down the wrong path, and I haven't earned the right really to question them because I haven't spent the time that you're talking about. Is it too late?

I don't think it's ever too late to show you care. I don't think it's ever too late to, to even address it and apologize for not being more involved and more a part of that life then. And just explain, say, look, especially if it's your first kid or your second one, say, look, there was no manual that came with you when you were born. There was no— I'm— parenting classes and books and stuff, but it's still not like living the real thing. I only got one shot at learning how to raise you. I only have one shot on doing this. And so I may have messed up on some things early on, and it's so, uh, you know, hey, I'm sorry that, that we did this, and I want to be there for you now. I want to help you build healthy friendships because, you know, happen by accident. They happen because a child has developed healthy relationship skills. So, you know, Helping them understand that relationships are not built on impressing people. They're often built on serving people. And, but you be honest with them. I wasn't there then. I want to be there now. I don't want to overwhelm you, but this is important to me. You're important to me. And then realize as a parent that your job as a parent is not to have a teenager who is your best friend. A teenager who just thinks you're a cool parent. Your, your job is to raise a responsible adult, an adult that can contribute to their life in a positive way. So you got to think long-term. What am I willing— discomfort now, am I willing to endure so that I can have a child as an adult that is living a life of thriving? Because we're going to be parents to adult children a lot longer than we were for children.

So, so good. So now I'm thinking, what about a parent has an overachiever? They want to do, they want to go, they want to be like 7, they're only sleeping 4 hours a night. They are just, and trust me in my program, I have a lot of those and call it lucky or unlucky. I don't know which one, but these kids are driven themselves. It's not that a parent is pushing them or, or forcing them. They're, what's next? Let's go get my dream. And a parent's going, I'm really worried they're gonna burn out. I'm really worried when they get to university, they are gonna just find out that there's people even more intense than them and they're gonna be pushed. So can you speak to that parent and maybe how they can help support that student?

Well, you talking about my oldest daughter now, so I was thinking, how in the world have you met her? Uh, cause it's exactly. We all just do. Yeah, I don't want them to burn out on those things, but we need, I think one of the things that prevents burnout, especially when they're overachievers like that, is helping them to really have a sense of purpose. Not goals for the sake of, I want to go so I can be top of the class with a grade, or I want to be, you know, the head person this, but everything they're doing is moving towards a purpose. Because we know in our lives when we get stressed and we get overwhelmed that we fall back on what our why is. Why are we doing what we're doing? And that's what we need to help them identify. Why are you doing this? Why is, why is it important for you to be that person who's doing this? What's, what's the goal that you're going for so that they can understand, okay, I need to take some time to relax and my why is gonna drive me. Purpose creates resilience because it gives a child, a student, a reason to keep moving forward even when life doesn't go according to plan.

So good. And for listeners, you have a nonprofit, EmpowerEducation.World, and all of your children are welcome, middle school through high school. We meet every Sunday, 5:00 PM Pacific Standard Time. We've built two schools in Uganda, an orphanage in Oaxaca, another school in India, and it's a student-led, student-run organization. I just am the mentor to make sure that we're doing everything properly. Mission that you're talking about, watching these teenagers light up, get on fire to change food insecurity or change education about malaria or help them have clean water, or, you know, so much passion that lives inside of these teenagers. Sometimes they just don't know what to do with it. And unfortunately, as a parent, If I was to say, why don't we go to the elderly care center? They're like, no, that's not at all what I want to do. That sounds like torture because that's not what they're passionate about. That may be your passion. So really leaning in to thinking about who they are, what matters to them, and what are they going to do about it is how I help my firstborn navigate that balance. Because he saw that there was need somewhere else. And when you step into helping someone else, you have this decompression that you have to be the most amazing thing out there. So I encourage parents, empowereducation.world. James, one last question. What is the one thing you wish every parent knew before they sent their child off to college?

Well, I think we've covered some of it, uh, in the indication that, uh, you need to have these these really in-depth, informative conversations that maybe they're in smaller segments, not 30 minutes, maybe it's just 5 here, 10 there, maybe it's time, but they need to have this time. The greatest gift that I believe a parent can give their teenagers isn't getting them necessarily into the perfect college. It's helping them answer these questions of who am I, where do I belong, and why am I here? If we can help identify that and help them find that then they're gonna be set up to handle some of the stresses and pressures that are, they're gonna encounter during the 4 years of college that they have, much more than that child that's still struggling, doesn't know who they are, has no idea where they belong, and has no clue what they're supposed to be doing in this season of their life.

So important. And you know how ironic it is? That's exactly what it takes to get into college. So remember, we're preparing our children for their future. College is a stepping stone. It is not the end game. And when you look at college as that opportunity, it's really about adulting. Wouldn't you want your child to serve another person before they adult? I would. Wouldn't you want them to lead something they believe in? I would. What about participating in something that makes them feel good? I would. So the same things you're talking about, James, is exactly what colleges are looking for. Students to come on the campus and not sit in a desk and absorb some knowledge and leave. They're looking for future leaders who are gonna come and make the campus better, more exciting, more enjoyable, people who are gonna serve their community. So James, if people wanted to get in touch with you, maybe they have one of those children, they really would love some clarity, some support. How, how can they reach you?

I think our website would definitely be the place that I would start. generation-youth.com. generation-youth.com. The dash, not the word dash, but that, that they can locate us there. And it'll have all the links to, to all the books, the writings, the articles, the podcasts that we do. If they want to reach out on social media, that, that is wonderful too. They'll find us easily on Instagram. That's where on those types of platforms where we land the most. Personally, they can connect with me. Probably the best through LinkedIn because there's several people who on our organization who monitor the Instagram page for Generation Youth. But they just look for James McLamb and try to find my ugly mug in the picture there, the profile picture on Instagram. They'll be free to connect with me there. I love, I love engaging people and helping connect them with trusted adults in their area that might be able to help them on this journey and help equip them with what they need to do.

And James, do you have any future events coming up that parents could log into, listen to, something that maybe gives them an indication of some more of this, what we're talking about?

Well, if this airs in time, then there is something that's happening July 20th. We have the Igniting the Next Generation Summit, which will have 30 presentations by some of the brilliant minds in youth development. I believe there's this person from College Ready that is going to be contributing a presentation to that one. And the way that works is they sign up for it at ignitenextgen.com. It is completely free. And over the course of the summit, they'll get emailed every day a link that'll provide them with 4 or 5 presentations from these speakers pre-recorded. They get to pick the ones they want to watch, watch them all, watch none of them that day, pick them from the next day. There's no pressure either way. But why read 25 parenting books when you can hear from 29 to 30 of the best people that are sharing their thoughts? They range anywhere from typically 10 to 15 minutes, a few under 10. There's a couple or 2 or 3 that are, they're a little higher than 15, not too much higher than 15, but they're in that, that range. A lot of downloadable resources by people. So, and we're so glad that you are joining us on this summit coming up.

So good. So parents, we are going to get this out, get this to you. And if you like what you hear, please subscribe to the podcast. You can find it on Apple iTunes, Amazon Music, Spotify, and other popular platforms. We'd appreciate, appreciate it if you could take the time to leave a review. If you listen and it resonates, please share it with a friend. And parents, until next time, you've got this.