Show Up Anyway: What to Do When You Feel Like You Don't Belong

This show is powered by Others Over Self. Hit that subscribe button to keep training your brain. I'm constantly getting calls. Hey, this so-and-so is doing what? What should I do? So you have to have boundaries, most definitely, to keep that calmness. And then you also have to practice what you preach, Shelly.

From Others Over Self, it's Hardcore and at Ease, a show about This is a show about people who are keeping their edge without going over the edge. I'm host Shelly Rood. You hold someone else's worst moment all day, and then you're supposed to walk into your own kitchen tonight like none of it followed you home. Your phone's about to ring, and it's not a client, it's a friend who needs to talk something through. Better boundaries on a worksheet doesn't fix this moment. The real question is, what do you do with the weight when nobody's watching? By the end of this episode, you'll have more confidence in handling situations that feel like they are just stacking them up. This is Hardcore and At Ease. She's sitting across from someone who just told her the worst thing that has ever happened to them. She nods professionally and asks the next question. She holds it steady the way that she's been trained to for almost 2 decades. When the session ends, she walks to her car, and somewhere between the parking lot and her own front door, she has to figure out, where does all that go? That's Mitzi Alexander's Tuesday and Wednesday, and most evenings when a friend or a family member calls because they know that she'll pick up because she's a therapist, and being a therapist doesn't necessarily come with a clock-out. Yes, she'll tell you that she has boundaries. She'll tell you that she practices what she preaches. And then she'll tell you, almost as a throwaway line, that when she starts to feel off-keel, she catches herself before she'll even let the word overwhelmed leave her mouth. She'll pause and think about it, and she chooses to laugh instead. This isn't a problem that is solved. This is a woman who found a way to keep functioning inside difficult terrain. Before we get to today's guest, I do want to take a moment to honor one of my listeners. I was driving home this morning after dropping my kids off, and I saw my friend Elizabeth jogging. She is a very busy woman with 4 children, and seeing her out there on the road gave me a deep sense of guilt because I kind of skipped the gym this morning. I didn't truly skip the gym. I actually went to the gym. However, my gym has massage chairs, and instead of doing my workout this morning, yes, full disclosure, I sat in the massage chair. I've just been having a really terrible time with stress being held up in my shoulders, having a hard time sleeping. It's giving me headaches. So I thought that I would take a little self-care time this morning before the chaos of the day. And wouldn't you know it, driving home, there was Elizabeth just jogging. So I sent her a text and said, you looked beautiful. How far did you go? And would you know, she said 4 miles. Boy, the guilt really sunk in then. So this episode today is for you, Elizabeth. Thank you for being as hardcore as you are and for reminding me that I am not alone in my efforts to be hardcore and at ease. Now let's bring today's guest into the conversation. My company runs a second location out in West Michigan. We have an entirely different office space where we provide tailored support to veterans across Muskegon County and the entire West Michigan area. That is how Mitzi Alexander and I connected in the first place. It was over a shared passion for building up this community. Mitzi has been a licensed therapist in Muskegon for close to 18 years, specializing in trauma, PTSD, depression, and anxiety, much of it with military women. Before that, she spent 7 years as a parole officer with the Muskegon County Police Department. Before that, Mitzi was a soldier in the United States Army and the Michigan Army National Guard. She spent her entire adult life absorbing people's crises for a living in one uniform or another. Here's my conversation with Mitzi Alexander.

As a therapist, you can, you know, practice in all the different topics, although most of the time a therapist gets a favorite one. Mine is actually working in trauma, and I work with depression and anxiety and working with military women that I have worked with post-traumatic stress disorder. So those are what I commonly see, but there are also other diagnoses out there that I have experience to work in.

How long have you been doing this as a professional?

Since around 2010. So that puts me at like 8, 17, 18 years working in this field, and it's been great. The most important or the most exciting for me is the private practice. I just, I love that. I love being able to accept the people that come to me and it's really great when they look for me and ask for me.

If you don't mind, I'd like to go a little bit deeper into that because I do know quite a few counselors and clinicians that have not made the step to go private practice. What was that like for you?

Very scary, but I had the pleasure of working under a very wonderful therapist. Her name is Angelita Valdez, and she currently owns Services of Hope here in Muskegon. And she has done very well, but while working and being contracted by her, I learned a lot about the credentialing piece and the business side. So that has helped me to be successful and to know what avenues to seek so you can get that financial gratitude.

Financial gratitude. That's a great phrase for that. It's really hard when you see a chunk of your paycheck going to whoever the hierarchy is, right, that's right above you, that manager or that authority up there. What was it like for you to make that final decision and say, Mitzi's going to do this on her own?

Shelly, I had actually moved away from the area in 2020. My husband and I moved down to Louisiana and I was working there, but when we decided to come back, I knew that this was giving me the opportunity to do the private practice. Kind of drug my feet and people actually came to me saying, hey, so you're back, are you doing— and I was like, I think that's a sign. So I went for it.

Isn't it amazing how even though we know that we're capable, sometimes it really does take that outsider, that external perspective.

And of course, you know, you have good days, you have bad days. In the mental health and medical field, no-shows are prominent, and of course when someone does a no-show, there is no no-show fee. So of course you've just kind of missed out for the day, and I think sometimes the patients forget that. Do I understand that things come up, but I I think they forget sometimes.

So you say there's no no-show fee. Is that just for you? Is that a standard policy in your line of work?

That would be— I am accepting Medicaid and Medicare. So that's what makes the difference. Can't charge one population and not charge the other. So yeah, that's how it works.

It's interesting because I can't imagine ever going to any of my doctor's appointments and no-showing. I mean, I would be hit with a bill.

And maybe they're not taking Medicare, a Medicaid patient. Yeah.

Yeah, that's very true. And what a shame because, you know, the work that you do is life-changing and it works from the inside out. And if you don't show, if you don't do the work or engage in the session, there's so much more at stake than Mitzi just, you know, gave an hour of her free time.

Oh yes, because I mean, you know, not only that, but it hinders their progress, right? If we're meeting and then you miss sessions, you miss out on gaining that continuity and, you know, gaining help and assistance and strategies with your symptoms.

And I know that I've worked with different therapists and pastoral counselors over the years. When you do see someone regularly, that is a deep relationship and they get to know Everything, and in a wonderful and in a terrible way. And sometimes there's moments in your life where if you go a week or two, or if you skip a month and you don't see your care provider, a lot of life can happen.

Yes, a lot of life. And, you know, sometimes if they take that long, they can come back to you in crisis, meaning that now we can't really work— keep working on what we were, but now we have to face this crisis that just happened in your life. Whereas if you stick with it, you're able and you're stronger to handle that crisis.

It's very true. Now, it takes a special woman to do this type of work. Where does that come from for you, Mitzi?

I would say it just probably comes from, of course, having that personality that likes to serve, and then my passion for the community. I've always loved the community. And then, of course, that military background puts in that, you know, integrity and that persistence. So I think a mixture of things did that.

Tell me about your military background. That's very interesting.

Okay, sure. So I joined the military— I don't— should I say the year? 1987.

Do it.

I know. And so, of course, I was in the Army for 4 years. I did my 4 years, and while there, of course, I met my husband. Which has now been with him for 30— it'll be 39 years this year. We met at Fort Hood, and after that, you know, having children, it makes a big difference. And of course, Desert Storm happened around that time, so also decided that I was going to transition out from being active and joined the Michigan Army National Guard. And part of the— I was part of the armory in Grand Rapids. Until I retired. So, I actually put in 20 years.

My goodness. So, I want to get this timeline straight. So, you, out of your own desire, you just up and joined the United States Army? You just enlisted?

I did. I did.

What was that like?

That was very— I would say that was a big leap for me. I actually had my daughter, and we were staying with my mom. So, you know, I was like, oh, and there was nothing going on, nothing in, you know, the city, no jobs. I just kind of felt like I was just, you know, stagnant. So I joined the military and didn't tell her until after I did it. And so, you know, we talked about it, but of course, once I got finished with basic training and AIT, I sent for my daughter. So she came with me.

So, she came with you, and then you were off to Fort Hood as your first duty station?

We were off to Fort Hood where I met my husband.

What was your mom's reaction?

You know, my mom was pretty calm back then, and she just kind of just said, okay, because my main intention was not to leave my daughter, but to get a better life for my daughter so she could join me.

I love that she— I love that your mother was able to see that in you.

Yes.

I know when I shocked my mother with the news of joining, she went into almost like a panic mode of like, you did what? What? She couldn't believe, you know, that her daughter was off on this adventure. And so that says a lot about the relationship that you and your mother had and her ability to believe in who you were as a young woman.

Yes, very wonderful. She passed away in 2019, but we were very close. It was me and my older sister and my mom.

And had it not been for her support, who would have taken care of your daughter so that you could do this?

So, I wouldn't have even been able to make that decision. That would have been a part of my life that would have been different, you know? And when you look back over that, it's like, wow, then I wouldn't have met my husband and life would have been different for us.

So, your path took you to Fort Hood. You did 4 years of active duty, met your husband, And in those 4 years of active service, did you have another child?

Yes, my son.

Okay.

Yeah.

So now tell me about that. What's it like to be a new mother on active duty?

Yes. And not only that, you forget, you know, that Desert Storm was in that piece too. So, you know, military wives and Army wives were kind of handling things on their own. At that time, I think my son was about 2. I don't know if a lot of people really realize, and I don't know if they still do it, but back in the day, as a pregnant person, you still had to do PT, which meant you had to get up, do your run. Yeah, you did. You know, you had to do everything still, you know, while you're pregnant for a certain amount of time, you know. And when I talk about that today, people are like, oh my God, you But, you know, it really helped, you know, with the pregnancy. It helped you maintain your health. And it also, I think it helped mentally, you know, to be involved in those types of things while you're pregnant.

I think so too. I mean, I don't know what the standards are now, but for me, I only had 25 pounds that I could fluctuate with either, like the whole time I was in pregnancy, I could only go up and come back down 25 pounds and That was a battle. And then I remember I had 4 months to the day after the baby was born to be shipshape back in peak physical condition. Is that what it was for you?

Yes, because they didn't give you any more. They gave you 30 days back then. So I think military women were very—

30 days? I got 4 months. I was thinking I had it bad.

No, 4 weeks and then you're back. You know, of course, light duty, but your back. So, you know, when you look at that, what women went through, and I don't know if they still do, but you do those things that you're supposed to do because you are a soldier, right? And I think that sometimes when we join the military, we don't really think about everything that it takes, the requirements to be a soldier. You know, we just see them, people just see them in the uniform and say, oh yeah, that's nice, I want to do that. But we don't think we are actually being trained for war.

Absolutely. It's a whole mindset shift as well.

Right. It's a whole mindset shift.

Now tell me about that, because I imagine you— what was your MOS?

I was 71 Lima, so I was administration.

Administration. Okay. Down at Fort Hood, which is Texas?

Yes.

All right. Just making sure that we orient our listener here.

Okay.

And so Did you have a fear or a trepidation for like a deployment headed either your way or for your spouse's, or did you feel pretty protected in that time?

So in first joining, no. You know, that— I don't know that anybody actually thinks that when they first join. I think you're joining for the adventure, right? Or you're joining for the financial— everybody— or to get away. Everybody has their own You know, reason for doing it, but never thought of any of that. During the training, of course you do. You know, some of it's pretty serious, you know, the gas chamber, and of course, you know, working with your weapon, you begin to think, oh yeah, this is pretty serious. But I got out right— I did end my active duty right before the first— what was it? Was it Desert Storm was the first one?

Desert Storm.

I got out that same year, and my husband was still in. So, it just, it worked out. It didn't work out in our favor, but at least we got to see each other. I came home, we picked up the kids, and then he had to immediately come back so that he could, of course, join them in Desert Storm.

So, both of you, you and your spouse, had deployments then?

I was deployed to Korea. Korea.

You are the second guest this week that has talked about Korea.

Beautiful place, but of course, when you're sent, you have to go through a lot of deep tape if you want to take family along. So the first time I was still single, but then the second time I had just had my son and my daughter was with me, and then they were sending my husband to Germany. So we tried to stay together, but we couldn't. So then, of course, my mom got my daughter and my son this time, not just my daughter. So she was real receptive to that. And mine was a year tour, so I was gone for a year.

Oh my gosh, tell me about this. So do I have this right, that Mitzi is deployed for a year? She's serving in South Korea on the other side of the world, and her husband is serving in Germany, and neither one is really able to go through the red tape to have families Accompanying them on the mission, which does happen.

You can put the request in, but it's not guaranteed, at least back in the day. It wasn't guaranteed that you would be approved to join.

And so your daughter and your son, they got to be together, but they did have to go live with Grandma for a while.

They went back, yeah, went to Grandma.

One of the observations that one of my mentors made who's not military was that men seem to have a very linear military experience, whereas for women, we are just out in the wilderness scrapping and making it happen. And we go from active duty, perhaps to Guard, to Reserve status, and we have a lot more bumps in the road, it seems. What do you think about that observation?

I think you're absolutely right. And not only that, I'll share that my first duty station was Korea, because remember, I went twice, and I ended up with an aviation unit of all men. So there was no barracks for me. There were no other females. So I spent over half of my year in a hotel. So, you know, catching the bus from Seoul to— we were in Yongsan— in Yongsan to the base, had to do that every day. And then my supervisor, when I first met him, he immediately said, I don't think women belong in the military.

And you were like, well, that's nice, sir. Here I am. Let me go back to the hotel.

Right. So it was all a lot, a big change for me, um, with all of that going on. Yeah. And then, you know, my daughter. And so, yeah, very interesting. I tell that story sometimes. But—

And so, and so you look at this, you know, gentleman, gentleman, man, whatever, who's in charge of you, who doesn't want you there serving him. And here you are in the defense of your nation, away from your daughter.

No female support. So I don't even know who I could have even told, if I would have told it. But he just made that very clear at the beginning. I mean, you know, there was no sexual harassment, no harassment, nothing. He just wanted me to know where he stood. And so I guess he should feel like you needed to know that. I think we should respect him for it, but I don't exactly know.

Yeah. I mean, I just— I think as a business owner, you know, if I ever worked with someone or someone was on my team and, like, the first thing I said to them was, I don't actually want you on my team, like, that's such a terrible leadership point of view.

But, you know, I think that was the military then. That was it. You know, if he said that today, I can only imagine if it was told. But I was new to the game. I had no clue. Who to talk to.

You know, I think unfortunately there are places still today that not only does that perception exist, but it's voiced as well.

I believe so.

And so regardless, Mitzi Alexander showed up, and she carried out the rest of the tour.

Yeah, every day. Yeah. And so that's why I really love, you know, working with military women because I don't know if the world knows what we go through. Right? And to be able to have a therapist or a group where you can go sit down and talk about our experiences and how they made them feel and other women understand, to me, that's phenomenal to have that type of support.

And it's very special. It is very special. You know, it's like there's this perception that we all can get together and just complain a whole lot. about our time in service, and that couldn't be further from the mark, you know?

No, no. When I listened to some of the stories from those women, you know, my story was I was just told I shouldn't be there, but some of the other women were physically assaulted and verbally abused daily. That's some serious stuff.

And it's still happening.

Yes, still happening.

So can I ask, because I know that we have a listener that this is happening to, what would your advice be for her?

I would say seek help. One of the main things that I always talk about when I speak with people is don't be afraid to say you need help. We all need help with something, and to me, that's the bravest thing to do is to say, I need some help, and be able to talk about and share. And of course, you have to find that person that you're comfortable with, But to be able to share, you know, those incidents and how they affected you, especially if they're still affecting you today.

And there are safe reporting options, both military and civilian, and I think that's something that I wished people would have informed me about or that I would have discovered is if you are uncomfortable in your military chain of command, There is nothing stopping you from talking to a civilian therapist or a civilian chaplain, right? Or your pastor at your church, or going into confession and just having that discussion. But I think a lot of times when we are in the uniform, we, we tend to think that we are only allowed to do what the uniform tells us we can do.

And I think some feel that some kind of way it was our fault. Which, once again, that's why I really like working with women. I keep saying that because a lot of times our self-esteem has already been beaten down throughout life. And so, I came for this experience thinking it was going to be different and I could prove, you know, that, hey, I'm in the military. And then to get somewhere and for someone to say, I don't think you belong here, that causes so much more trauma for us, especially our self-esteem.

It does. Can I ask you what your initial reaction was? I mean, was your initial reaction when he said that, what the heck am I doing here? I mean, was it— did it cause you to kind of second-guess your own situation, or did you immediately go into like an adversary mindset of, well, he doesn't know what he's talking about, I've got every right to be here?

I, you know, I never left. Um, I never told anyone. But I think I was just so taken aback and so young back then till it was like, what the heck? You know? And just, I tried to stay out of his way and just do the mission that I was given whenever he gave it to me.

So unexpected. That's one of the markers of what we call the wilderness of life is where you just find yourself in a place where you're like, I did not see this coming.

You just, you don't know what to say. You don't have a response. And I think—

That's not in your training manual, is it?

No, right?

Training manuals follow the commander guidance.

But I remember it to this day. I can see it like it happened yesterday. So that says a lot about how it affected me. It does.

But you—

But I cannot remember his name. I can't remember his name.

Maybe that's a good thing.

Otherwise, I'd say it.

So, carry me through the rest of your military career because you went on to have a wonderful career.

I did, and I think the military did that for me. You know, I went to Korea 2 times, so when I came back from Korea, I was just really ready, and especially Desert Storm was coming. So, my husband and I agreed, joined the Michigan Army National Guard. I was in the 44th Engineer Unit in Grand Rapids. It was wonderful. My supervisor was wonderful, and I did the rest of my time there, of course, going to Fort Custer, you know, once a year, doing your, doing your thing.

All the thorns is what I think about when I think of Fort Custer.

And the bathrooms. Do you remember the bathrooms?

Oh, I wish I didn't remember the bathrooms at Fort Custer.

You know, but my unit was great, but I got out an E-4, and it seemed like I just could not You know, get past that threshold of E-4. So I was like, I'm going to change my MOS. And so I looked, I was like, okay, what, what can I do as a mother, right, in the National Guard and still be at home so I can get promoted? And I became a, I believe it's 93 Bravo. I became a cook. I went to cooking school, and I want to say within 2 years I got my, and I retired with my E-6. So, for you, yeah, very. So, it was like stagnant, and then, you know, the support of the unit, they were, they were very supportive and let me change my MOS. So, I always tell any kid, hey, if you don't know what to do, if you're getting in trouble, I recommend go do some time. You can do 2 years. I'm sure there are bonuses. Just get out there and see the world.

Absolutely. Now, at what point did you decide that getting into something like clinical therapy might be an option for you?

Yeah, you know, that kind of happened, uh, once I got out. And once I got out of active and went back to the Guard, I, um, of course, because the Guard would pay, you know, you got reimbursed as long as your grades were above a C. You could take the class, pay for the class, but the state would reimburse you. So I knew that was the perfect time to finish my bachelor's degree. And I actually was working in— well, after, of course, my 7 years with the police department, because that's what I did when I came right out of the military.

Okay, wait, we, we can't skip that.

I know it.

What? So you were a police officer or what?

Um, yep, in the city of Muskegon. Um, I was a police officer for 7 years.

Did you do admin paperwork? Because that— there's, there's listeners here, right? They're like, oh well, she was just admin in the No, I was actually on—

out in the community patrolling. And so I was a patrol officer. I also became a community officer, which at that point they put officers— you did patrol, but you did it in a certain neighborhood, and that was your neighborhood to kind of mingle with the people and get to know them. We also had a bicycle unit at that time. We would And I got the opportunity to go train and become a bicycle, which we rode on, you know, during our time at work. And then I also had an opportunity to become and be trained as a D.A.R.E. officer. You know, I got to go in the schools and teach the kids about, you know, drug abuse and how to say no. That was the big thing back then. So it was a good experience, Shelly, but I really felt that I was on the wrong side.

Uh-huh.

You know, because when you're a police officer, There are laws, you know, you can't break those laws. I have to follow them. And when citizens in the community don't follow them, I don't— you have no other alternative but to follow what we do. Either you're going to jail, I'm writing a ticket, there's something. And something in me said, you know what, you should be on the other side so you can help them so they don't go to jail, so they don't get the ticket. And so that's when I began going to school for social work. I see that.

So what you're talking about essentially, like medicine versus preventative care.

Right.

And you were tired of being the enforcer necessarily and coming to the other side to help stop people, get ahead of those problems.

Right. Because seeing the world from a police officer point of view, it was eye-opening. It was very eye-opening for me.

What was it that you felt like, I just can't do this anymore, or something should change for me professionally?

I think, you know, I want to say during that time there, there was an era where our community was having a lot of difficulty in the African American community at that time. And so I think that was the final decision for me. to say, okay, let's switch over to the other side. And my husband, because if you, I don't know, if you look at my resume, I've done so many different things. And my husband has always been so supportive because what I'll first say is, you know, I'm thinking about, and he'll be like, oh Jesus, what do you, what do you want to do now? And I was like, I really want to go into the school system. I was like, I think I'm gonna look. And so that's when I transferred from the police department to working in the special education area of Muskegon Public Schools.

So I'm looking behind the scenes here at some statistics about Muskegon County and the crime rate. And it does say that the trend for Muskegon County, the average is high, the crime rate is high compared to the national average. And we are starting to see a slight downward trend. So it looks to me, Mitzi, like your work is starting to pay off.

And I think that might have just began once I was leaving the police department because it was a very quiet— Muskegon was a very quiet place. And people, little kids and people would always say, have you ever used your gun? No, never used it. When you say no, it's like all the excitement goes out of them talking to you.

Just like when they find out you did admin in the military. Well, you still are super high on our— we call it— cool by association. So just getting to know Mitzi Alexander, I feel a lot, a lot more cool points headed my way.

Great, I love it.

And you're continuing to do the work and build your community and lean back into the people who are continuing to serve.

Yes, and, um, I've been asked to serve on a few boards here in, in Muskegon, and that's really great, you know. I am always joining into whatever organization has something going on for the day, especially if they have vendor tables. I'm out there not to sell anything, but simply to just let people know that mental health is important. I— my office is actually in a clinic with a PA, and it's called Just Us Divine Health and Wellness. And so we kind of combine sometimes. You know, she can refer to me, and then, of course, I meet someone, I can refer them to her, which is really neat. And then we are both African American, which we think is even neater.

I'm going to speak in specifically, there is a need for that tight-knit community and for that level of comfort, right? I mean, even just to have 2 military women talking to each other, it just brings a different level of comfort.

Yes, yes. So when you're working with people who look like you and understand your experiences, it's great. You know, some people need that. And then you have other clients that they're okay talking to anyone, and then that's fine too. It's— I think it's finding the right fit for you. And a lot of times people will go maybe 1 or 2 times and they don't like that person, and so they stop, not really realizing that There are many out there. Just keep looking. Don't get discouraged. Just look for that person that makes you feel comfortable to share.

Absolutely. And it's not like, you know, if you don't like one store, you don't ever go to a store again. You can't give up on the goal here.

And so most of the time when I get a client and they've gone to other places, that's my first question. So what'd you like and what didn't you like? And how come you stopped? Because it tells you a lot about what they're looking for.

It really does. So Mitzi, we have a listener, I'm sure, that has never been to a formal therapy session or, you know, is just kind of sloughing it off. What does that initial time look like? I mean, you're with a patient or a client for the very first time, and I mean, you don't know 'em, they just walked in the door. What is that like?

And so most of the time we have them complete some type of paperwork so we have a little history and we know a little bit about their supports, if there's any spiritual beliefs, if they— if their hobbies. So we know a little bit and then we also ask, so why are you here? And most of the time they're ready to kind of just explain, you know, why they're there. And then we kind of just— you kind of just talk about those reasons. And for me, I always give them an opportunity at the end. So what do you think? Would you like to come back, or do you—

is—

was this a good fit for you? Because I think those things are very important so people don't think that they have to come to you, because you don't. I could probably— and I have— I have found other therapists for people because maybe they didn't like me or They didn't like my methods. So it doesn't hurt our feelings or definitely doesn't hurt mine because I'm here for— I want you to get the best you can get.

That's such an important point is to let the person walking in understand and remind their sense of agency. They're the ones in control. They're the ones who are recognizing a need or a desire for some type of change in their life.

And I think, you know, most of the time I put it at, if you don't like what I'm doing or what I'm saying, we're wasting each other's time and you're not getting the help and the support that you need. So let's see where we can get that for you. No problem with that. And I think a lot of times in our community, we just feel like what we're given, we have to accept. And sometimes we don't have to.

Now, I know some of the stories that you hear in your sessions They are stories of trauma, and there's a lot of heaviness that can happen, you know, when you're talking one-on-one with somebody. The term third-party trauma comes to mind, where as a provider, it can be hard to listen to all of those stories. So the question I want to ask here, Mitzi, it comes to the idea of being at ease. What— how do you remove yourself from that situation? How does Mitzi— walk away and be able to kind of shake off the traumas of other people and be able to be at ease and move forward with her sense of self at the end of the day.

Yeah, because, you know, I also have to mention, once people know you're a therapist— friends, family— it doesn't stop at the end of the day.

Oh gosh.

They call in the evening, right? They want a session. They want to talk something through with you. So first I say that to say, You have to have healthy boundaries, right? Because I'm constantly getting calls, hey, this so-and-so is doing what? What should I do? So you have to have boundaries, most definitely, to keep that calmness. And then you also have to practice what you preach, Shelly. I mean, you know, we sit and we talk to people about positive experiences and how important it is to, you know, do that self-care and find hobbies that you like and And then we teach mindfulness. And so, you know, breathing techniques and focusing. So it's so funny because if I ever get, I'll say off-kilter, I'm not going to say overwhelmed.

No, we call it going over the edge.

Yeah. I think I laugh and I think about those things. Okay. Yep. You're telling everybody else to use it. So use it. And so a lot of that happens. And of course, 2 adult children, I have 8 grandchildren.

8 grandbabies.

From the— and the age range from 21 to 10 months. Isn't that crazy? You know, whenever I need to, you know, release some stress, I've got 8 that I can call, laugh at, look at a picture.

Well, that's your stress relief? Because I've got 3 kids aged 16 to 2, and that is not my stress relief.

But see, these aren't mine. These are somebody else's.

You get to hand them back.

There you go.

Well, Mitzi, from being in as a service member in the United States Army, serving your community as a police officer, and continuing to serve as a clinician, I mean, to me, that is what makes you so hardcore. I mean, you genuinely have this sense of giving to others and wanting to contribute to the greater good.

I look at it as I've had an opportunity to see, to view the world through different eyes. You know, I've been on that side, so the enforcement side, I've seen it. I've been on the military side, I've seen it. Coming from a family with just my mom who struggled with physical abuse and, you know, not always having everything you need to make it through the day. So I feel like I've seen so many views that helps me to be able to understand people more.

It absolutely does. I mean, you're, you're a woman that's lived a lot of life, and that is a beautiful thing.

Although sometimes you don't think that when it's happening, right? But when you look at the long run, everything— and I tell people this all the time— everything you experienced has made you who you are today. Who are you?

When you connect with your son and your daughter about the time spent away from you in their childhood, what do they have to say about that?

You know, there comes perspectives, right? Because they see— they both see it differently. They are 7 years apart, and my daughter spent a lot of time with my mom because I was 16 when I had her. So she sees that life Entire— I would— I want to say more negative than my sons either. I would say sometimes up, sometimes down, but we, we do communicate and we do things together.

I have a daughter, she's 2, and I have 2 boys as well, and I'm already starting to feel like the girl is different.

I would say that there's always one. I used to tell my daughter, well, if you have more than one, there's going to be one. That one that's, you know, boisterous, the advocate, you know, the challenger. You're always going to get one.

Yeah. And I mean, you know, without stereotyping too badly here, the daughter for me is very emotional and she is physically clingy and she always has this sense of community. If, if one of the 5 of us is missing in the house, she wants to know where they are, when they're coming back. And I think there might be something that genuinely is ingrained in the female to have that desire to bring it all in and bring it close and keep it together. Yeah. Whereas, you know, your son is kind of like, oh, mom's doing her thing.

Yep. Yeah. And I think you're right about that. And that's why, you know, I, um, I was holding a parenting class, positive parenting, because it's so important that we understand that everything we do as parents Right. And to think about that prior to us making decisions, but some of the times we don't, and how it affects them. I see a lot of people in like their 30s, 40s who are going back to those days, you know, trying to process through situations that happened or events that occurred that they see one way and try to help them See the other perspectives because there are reasons why things were handled that way. You might not like those reasons, but just be able to step back and respect everybody's perspectives.

Absolutely. And even your own, right? I mean, sometimes we look back and, and we made the wrong decision, we did the wrong behavior, and, you know, sometimes it's obvious that we made the wrong choice. But we can't just ignore that and hide from it, or it will eat away at your soul. It comes out a couple of whiskeys in.

Yeah. And hence how you get the substance use, right? Because I've got a lot of things I don't want to think about. So then I self-medicate so I won't think about it. But really, after the self-medication ends, I'm right back where I was.

Right back where I was. Now, Mitzi, you mentioned that you work with, you know, pregnant Predominantly females over males. And I know in the veteran world, looking at the statistics, it's the males that tend to lean towards substance use and abuse more as a coping mechanism. And the females, the women, we tend to lean more towards anxiety and depression, more of the emotional side of that.

So let me just say, first of all, I said I like working with women, but I have both. So I welcome both male and female and actually children. I start at the age of 6 and go all the way up to— I have an 87-year-old, which is really neat. So willing to work with both. And I know we're talking about substance use, but I am not seeing a difference in that. I'm seeing that from both male and female. I'm seeing a lot of trauma connected to it when someone falls into their own perspective and can't see any other— nothing else that happened. Because— and that's where I really stay, because you and I can see a traffic accident, and when the police officer talks to us, we're both going to have 2 different perspectives.

There's that police background coming out.

So we just have to remember that People don't always see things the way we see them, and we have to respect that. Can't change it.

Can't change it when your boss looks right at you and says, I don't think you should be on my team.

Right. What kind of perspective was that?

Wrong one. I'm just kidding. Well, Mitzie, as we're wrapping up here today, is there anything else you want to make sure that our listener gets to hear from you?

Yeah, I just want to say if you are struggling with some things, if life is not easy now, which You know, it's a lot of things going on in our world right now, things that can cause us stress. Just don't be afraid to reach out for help or some support. Family, you know, you can go professional, but just remember, it's okay to not be okay.

100%. It's okay to not be okay. All right. Well, Mitzi Alexander, you are hardcore and at ease. Thank you so much for joining us today.

Thank you.

And that was my conversation with Mitzi Alexander. In her words, I'm not going to say overwhelmed. I think about that and I laugh. That is the line that she gave us. And so here's the reframe: naming what you're carrying doesn't have to look like a breakdown or a breakthrough. Sometimes it looks like catching yourself mid-sentence and refusing to hand the feeling A bigger word than it needs. This is how we avoid drama. This isn't direct avoidance. This is a boundary working exactly the way a boundary is supposed to. Now, the old operating system says, if you can hold it, you should. Mitzi's version is different. She can hold it, and she knows she can, but she still gets to decide When she puts it down. So here's the plan this week. I want you to pick one person the way that Mitzi picks up the phone to one of her grandkids, and I want you to call that person today. The reason for the call is nothing heavy. I want you to call simply to laugh about something small. I don't want you to unload the whole day. I just want you to do a real quick touchpoint, laugh about something small, Get off that phone. And if you do that once this week, I'm pretty sure you're gonna notice an overall lifting in your mood. The weight from the whole day may not disappear, but it will help stop you from carrying that weight into the next best thing in your life. So go ahead and call that friend. Do it before Friday and let yourself laugh about something small. Chaos has a way of ...empowering your mood, the same way that mold on a strawberry is gonna ruin the whole container. So isolate that heaviness and handle it before it touches something else that's pure in your life. I'm Shelly Rood. Thank you so much for spending the time with me today. You made it to the end of an episode. Next Tuesday brings another unwinnable situation for us to navigate together. Until then, stay hardcore.

Stay hardcore.

Be at ease and trust the process.

You're listening to Hardcore and at Ease. Keep the conversation going at join.othersoverself.com.