1. The letter I never meant to share

Welcome to She's Honestly Mental, a podcast for women who are done pretending they're fine when they're falling apart on the inside. I'm your host, Karina Rawlinson, ADHD brain medicated, mind and proud mental health hospital alumni. Still here, still showing up somehow. This is the space for the feelers, the fixers, and the ones who carry it all and still wonder if it's enough. We talk about the chaos, the connection and everything in between, because silence nearly killed me. And these conversations save lives. Alright, cacao in hand, headphones on, chaos semi contained. Let's get honestly mental. Hey, just a quick note before we dive in. In this episode, we talk about mental health. Honestly. That includes conversations around suicide, trauma, sexual assault and some other really messy things. Please check in with yourself first. Make sure you're in the right headspace to listen. And if you need support, you can always reach out to Lifeline 13, 11, 14 or Beyond Blue on 130022 4636. You matter and you're not alone. Welcome to episode one of She's Honestly Mental. I can't believe it. I cannot believe that we are here, that we are recording episode one. How wild. This has been an adventure. This is a moment that I am so incredibly grateful to be here, to be alive. And I mean that in so many ways, because for a while there, there was times where I didn't think I'd celebrate my 30th birthday. I didn't think that I would be here to celebrate Christmases and those moments with my family, because I truly believed that the world would be better off without me. This is mental illness. These are the conversations that we don't have. These are the conversations we've been told not to talk about. These are the conversations that have been built around years of generational trauma, years of people telling us, shh, you're too loud, you're too noisy, be quiet. Don't say that. We're not having that anymore. We're here to save lives. We're here to have these conversations. This is what the world needs. The world needs more support, more empathy, more kindness, and more caring and more genuinely being open to listening to people's stories. Through stories, we get connection, and through connection, we get hope. We get that feeling of actually being cared for, worthy and loved. And if you're in a position right now where you don't feel worthy, loved or supported, let me tell you this, you are worthy, you are loved and you are supported. And if you only hear this from this podcast, I truly Hope that it's enough to help you keep going. This is a letter that I'd plan to leave behind for my family to find. It's a letter I never really plan on sharing with the public, obviously, because when you're in this headspace, why would you? But what this letter is, is actually a reflection of someone who's deep in the mental health spiral, someone who has given up hope. These things that I've written in the letter are things that I truly believed. And they're the things that I look back now, the things that I'd said about myself and the things that I believed that truly make me be fucking grateful for being alive and being here in this moment. But these are the moments that I really know that there's so many people out there that feel the same way. And I just hope by having these conversations that they no longer feel alone. A letter. I am not worthy of being here anymore. I've done a really shit job at being a wife, a mum, a daughter, a friend. And I don't want to bring pain to anyone's lives anymore. You all deserve so much better than me. I know. You're all so much stronger than I am. You're so much smarter than I am. Every day is a fight with my mind or a fight because all I want is the best for everyone and to do the right thing. But I get so afraid that whatever I do isn't going to be the right thing. All I ever wanted to do was help to fix things and all I ever did was ruin things. I'm always getting myself into a mess, over committed and not able to finish anything. I've tried for so long to make my mind right, to get rid of this anxiety, to try and help myself. But I can't. I know I can't make it go away. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this horrible battle. I won't win. It won't let me. I am just not meant to be here. This life has always been hard for me. I've constantly battled my mind and I just can't do it anymore. Tried to fix things, but I've just made them worse. And no one will ever know how sorry I am. I'm a terrible mum. These kids deserve so much more than I can give them. My husband deserves someone who can love him back more than I can. The love that he has for me is incredible. Please know that there is nothing that anyone could have done or said that could have changed this. The only person to be Blamed for this whole mess is me. I don't want a funeral. Don't want anyone to even know. I want to go quietly. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. I don't even really remember the date that I wrote that. I don't even really remember the moment that I wrote that. But I remember the moment when I decided that that was it for me. I remember being with my family and all of the things around me just felt like they were collapsing and they felt like they were collapsing because of my actions and things that I had been doing. What I know now is someone who's been through the process and had help and had support and now diagnosed is that. And I fucking hate this when people are like, you always have a choice. You can always choose to not be in a situation. But when you are mentally unwell, your brain doesn't function the way that it should be functioning, the way that it is meant to function. And I kind of say that loosely because I know that everyone's brains work so differently. But mental health, when you are in crisis like this, as I was, when you truly believe that you're struggling and that you're not worthy and that you shouldn't be here and that you know, no one loves you and all you do is fuck up and make messes and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, there's just so much emotion around this. I think it's when you get to the other side and you get the help and you find that support that you need. As you start to claw your way back, you realize that it was just the noise that your brain was making. It's the noise from the outside, the external. And I think in this day and age, there's just so much noise around us, so many expectations, you know, sharing my Instagram reels and my highlights instead of actually sharing what is real. R E A L And that's what we've lost, you know? Where's Martha Stewart? We're not all Martha Stewart's. My brain doesn't do a Martha Stewart. This is just. It's life, right? And with all the noise, we need to find ways that support us through those days. We need to find ways that help our brains the way that our brains are. Because just like a thumbprint, no one's brain is the same as the other person's. Oh God. I spiraled. I spiraled. Sorry. Anyway, back to where we were, you know, it's just. It's all that. It's just that knowing now the girl that was in that moment, that girl that decided in that moment that that was it, that she had a plan and she was ready to execute the plan. Is so grateful that her family noticed in that time, because, of course, I didn't share with anyone. I hadn't told anyone I was still running a business. I was helping family with their other businesses. You know, I was. I had my fingers in so many pies. I was a mom, two beautiful boys, and I was on the pnc and I was doing things at the school, and then I was on all of these committees, and I just had this, like, gigantic resume of all of these things that I was doing because I felt like if I could do all of these things really well, it would make me worthy and make me feel loved and make people want to acknowledge me. But instead, I was just reaching for things. And on the outside, I was functioning, and on the inside, I was the one laying on the floor of my bedroom, unable to move because I couldn't. I just couldn't brush my hair, brush my teeth. I couldn't decide. Like. Like, you know, I know I need to shower. I know that I. I know that I should put that washing on, or I haven't folded this yet, or my floor needs sweeping, and I haven't done those. And why haven't I done those? Because it makes me such an idiot. And, like, how come I can't keep on top of my washing? And, like, I just, like, why is my house a mess? Like, why do I forget appointments? Or why do I forget to tell people things? Or I actually don't necessarily forget to tell people things, but I know the things, and then I don't have the capability to be able to function and to be able to execute those things, but if someone else asked me to do it for them, I'd be there in a heartbeat. And I suppose that's what it was like for me when I was in that real mental health crisis point that when my family asked me what was really going on and I said to them, I don't want to be here anymore. I want to die. Me being so brutally honest with them broke them, broke my husband. And I just didn't want to do it anymore. It gets heavy, it gets horrible. And I just hope that this podcast, this my big scary dream with she's honestly mental, is to be able to find ways to be able to bring the mental health system to the women, to be able to find ways for women to be able to build a really strong foundation of ways to be able to support themselves in their brains, to Meet them where they're at to then be able to help them build a scaffolding to support them as they get through life. What a wild dream. And I don't know how that looks just yet, but I know that if I don't see start, I'm going to spend too much time overthinking it and then being like, girl. So here we are. I wanted to speak up because when I was first hospitalized for my mental health, I didn't really tell anyone. I just told my family and some of my very closest friends. But as a person who loves to overshare and has a case of verbal diarrhea, which, you know you guys are going to get that, and I will spiral and all of the other things. But as someone who has verbal diarrhea and just loves to spill the things, that was really hard for me because I felt like I was really hiding behind this wall and I couldn't be open and I couldn't be honest with anyone. And then when I had my second omission, and that was not really one that I expected because I thought after the first one, I'd be healed, I'd be fixed. Like, I'm on my way. I'm totally okay. Yeah. Lol. I really, truly felt. I don't know, I just kind of shared it online on my Instagram stories, and I was like, hey. So I thought I would just share with everyone that I'm actually in a mental health hospital right now and I'm really struggling, and these are the things that are going on with my life at the moment. And I kid you not, the amount of messages and support that I got from that, I went, oh, crap, people actually do like me. People actually do honestly care. And that was such a powerful moment for me because I felt like I wasn't alone. And the people that came back to me and said, my gosh, Karina, I really thought I was the only one who struggled with those things. And the more I had these conversations, the more I felt this purpose of if I'm the one with the verbal diarrhea and the one that doesn't really have any boundaries when it comes to oversharing, then perhaps this is my gift and my purpose of being able to talk about mental health honestly start these conversations in ways that actually save lives and help women believe and understand their worth and how beloved they are. So through this podcast, I'm going to share lots of different conversations. I hope that you can start to build and find different ways that support your brain. I'm Going to talk a lot about having your own little mental health toolbox. It's like you go to the gym and you've got the weights and the treadmill and the squats and all of the rest of it. And you know that these are ways that you can support your physical body, make sure you eat all the right things and that, you know, an apple day keeps the doctor away kind of things, these are the kind of conversations and the kind of things that I want people to understand about their mental health. And if you're listening because you, you know, you care for someone or you support someone, or you just want to understand what it's like from someone who's gone through, lived, had that lived experience of living with mental health. I hope that you can get some things out of this to be able to support those people around you, build their own little mental health toolkit, that thing that they can reach to when they're feeling really overwhelmed. So yeah, this is so freaking cool and I'm so fucking glad to be here in so many different ways, shapes, forms. But I've gone from thinking that everyone is better off without me to actually thinking and knowing and believing how lucky I am to be alive and really understanding the true feeling of being alive. So I'm here, I'm making this podcast. We're beginning a movement. I feel like a wanker saying that, oh my God. But this is a thing. This is one of the ways that we're going to be able to normalize prioritizing mental health. We're going to be able to normalize having these conversations. It's not just going to be all blue trees and are you okay? Day and let's have a little cupcake and talk about it. It's not those surface level conversations. I'm not here for that. I'm here for Please tell me all your nitty gritty. Please tell me all the things I want to know. I want to know because I want to know how I can support you. So if you're in your own version of the Messy middle, this podcast is a space for you to not feel so alone. So, guys, episode one. Woohoo. This is so crazy. I cannot wait to see in 10 years where this is where this has become. And honestly, if it's literally just me and three other listeners or two other people following me on social media, but I know that I've been able to connect with people and normalize these conversations like, I'm done, my heart is full and I am done. So yeah, thanks for listening thanks for hanging out with me on She's Honestly Mental. If today's episode cracked open something inside of you or gave you space to exhale, come say hi over at Instagram at She's Honestly Mental. Or send this to someone who needs to hear that they're not alone. And if you haven't yet, hit that follow button so the next episode lands in your messy feed right where it belongs. Until next time, take care of your brain. You're not broken, you're just honestly mental. And all the best people are.