2. Diagnosed crazy and still showing up

Welcome to She's Honestly Mental, a podcast for women who are done pretending they're fine when they're falling apart on the inside. I'm your host, Karina Rawlinson, ADHD brain medicated mind, and proud mental health hospital alumni. Still here, still showing up somehow. This is the space for the feelers, the fixers, and the ones who carry it all and still wonder if it's enough. We talk about the chaos, the connection, and everything in between. Because silence, violence nearly killed me. And these conversations save lives. All right, cacao in hand, headphones on, chaos semi contained. Let's get honestly mental. Guys, gals, queens, welcome to episode two of She's Honestly Mental, the podcast. In this episode, we're going to talk about who I am and who the fuck are you to talk about these conversations? Gosh, it's because I'm so cool. Because I'm so honestly mental. Okay, Fuck. I've definitely thought about this a lot. And in the world of the highlight reels and the everyone being so beautiful on social media, that is not what you're going to get here. If you're looking for someone that you can pop on a pedestal and be like, oh, my gosh, Karina is the God of mental health. And she just. All this, like, drop that. That's not me. Currently in Bali, found this really cool podcast studio, and this morning I went around flipping the fuck out because I wanted this really beautiful outfit to wear while I was podcasting to just like, my plan wasn't to be in a studio to record this, but I was like, fuck it, who cares? And in Bali, everyone is like, so tiny, and I'm like 16, 18 with a big set of titties and a nice house, and yet they go up to a large. So do you think I could find anything really beautiful? So here I am in my Billy bones, class of 2000, giving zero fucks shirt, my jeans, sitting back, chilling out in this super cute aesthetic podcast studio. So make sure you check the socials to be able to have a look at this, but far out. I'm like, who is this person? Who am I? This is crazy. Yeah, I'm crazy. Anyway, totally medicated crazy. I love when people joke about that because I'm like, legit. I'm diagnosed crazy. And that is cool. Like, hello, all the best people are. But definitely something that for me is on social media, when you see different people getting tagged because they're having conversations around mental health, like, I go, oh, interesting. Okay, maybe I shouldn't talk about it, but that's the world of like comparisonitis. That's the world of imposter syndrome and all the rest of it. And that's, you know, when you're comparing your journey to someone else's, you just can't do that, girl. Like you just can't do that because your journey is your own journey and you never, never, never know of what's going on behind closed doors. So who am I? So I'm Karina. Funny fact, a couple of my nieces and nephews call me Auntie Weiner, which I just think is absolutely adorable. So thanks to them for giving me the most uncool cool name out there. But that's just me. But I do like, you know, I think for my family and that and my friends that really know me, they're like, if you weren't doing this, like, if you weren't honestly mental, like who even are you? So my life before it kind of all fell apart. I remember vividly my first ever panic attack. And my dad's a pilot. He's a bit of a child. He's never grown up. I'd say he's probably a little bit like Peter Pan. You're either like not going anywhere or you're going 5,000 miles an hour and it's like doing a wheelie on a motorbike or being crazy. But that's why we love my dad. He's such a big kid. But my first ever panic attack was when we were four wheel driving on the beach. And I literally thought to myself, I am going to die. Like I am going to die. This is wild. This is crazy. We're going too fast. Like I don't know what the ocean's doing. And it was just this severe lack of control and I just didn't know what was going on. And it was this guttural feeling of just holy fucking shit. And there's other like moments in my early childhood, one that I'll probably touch on a little bit more. But I don't know how I feel about it right now because it's something that I'm still trying to process. But when we're younger, we had a guy living in our house. He was working for my parents at the time and he was so fucking dumb anyway, what a fucking shit person. But he thought it would be cool to sexually assault me. So that was fun. Not. And I never told anyone about it until I was 21. Wild, huh? So there was that and then there was just this like general anxiety around lots of different things. As a child. I Always remember being such a helper. So I'm the eldest of six kids. These days we've got a bit of a Brady Bunch family because my parents have separated and I've got my stepmom and my stepdad and they've got their own kids. So there's literally 600 of us. And then you get everyone together for Christmas and then there's all the grandkids, and it's honestly the best time of my life being with all of my family. Like, it's absolutely crazy and it's wild, but it's just amazing. And then we go and have Christmas with my husband's family. It's just him and his sister and his parents. And I'm like, where's all the people? But, yeah, it's so, so wild. So being the eldest, I feel like I've been the second mum and, you know, eldest daughter things. So many other kids, you're looking after everyone. You feel like you're doing all of the things. And I think that just comes with the territory. Like, I don't know anyone that's not the eldest child or the eldest daughter that kind of doesn't then carry the weight of the family. My parents separated when I was younger. Yeah, it was pretty messy, wasn't great. But I was talking to someone about this earlier and my goal is to have. I actually told you what the goal is of this. So my big fucking scary goal of she's honestly mental. Like, my vision is. Maybe I said about this, I can't remember, but it was like, I wanna be able to bring the mental health system to the women, to be able to have it meet people. People with where they're at. So my big goal is to be able to, you know, bring the mental health system to people, to be able to help them get the access that they need. I wanted to write a book, but with this stuff like that happened in my childhood and growing up and, you know, with my family, I really respect that that was also their journey. This was also what they are going through. And I'm not here to speak for them. I don't want to tell their version of events because what their version of events is different to how I perceived their version of events. And I just really, really, truly believe that in any moment or time, people are literally just doing the best that they can with what they know and with where their brain is at and where their body is at. And so I respect that and I honor that and I believe that that section of my life is just a chapter and this is. This is, like, the rest. And I. Like I said before, I'm just so. As someone who truly thought about dying for a very long time and considered, you know, like, I was looking for rope and all of these different things, and I just. The one thing that really stopped me those kind of times was I didn't want my kids to find me. I think that's something that they would never be able to recover from. And I. I just. I couldn't do that. So I honor my family and respect them to just be like, that's their story, it's not mine. But here's, like, where I'm at. So my parents separated. I lived with my dad for a bit. My mom had moved away. It just wasn't great. It wasn't great. But it's my life and it's my story. And if I hadn't have gone through those things, it wouldn't be who I am now. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like, cool, cool story, bro needs more dragons. But what happened, I suppose specifically was with where I was at with my life. I felt responsible for everything around me. Like, every single thing. I felt responsible. And if something didn't work, I would panic and freak the fuck out because I was like, oh, my God, it didn't work. I need to fix it. I need to know the answers. I need to know why. Like, dad always said I should be a detective, because I'm always like, I need to know why. I need to know the things. And I remember watching a teacher, like, drag my little brother to the principal's office, and I, like, stomped after her, and I was like, what are you doing with my brother? Like, how dare you? Like, just this strong sense of justice. And so all of these things, like, when I fell pregnant with my babies, I was like, that's okay. I can still work from home and be a parent. I can still take my kids to work with me, and they can go to daycare, and I can still study and work and be a housewife and make dinner and do the shopping. But truth be told, I actually couldn't. I just couldn't. I don't cook dinner. My husband does that. He loves it. I don't go to Woolies. I don't do the shopping because, yuck, I will have a panic. I get so overwhelmed because I'm like, oh, my gosh, there's so many choices. Like, I could buy this rice, but this rice is cheaper. But I actually like the other rice because it tastes nicer and it's just this constant back and froing with every, every single item that I go to buy. So we know in our family it's just easier if Jared does the cooking. I couldn't function. I took responsibility for everything. Things that I had no control over. And there was days where I just, I really couldn't get out of bed. And I would lay there and I'd be like, doom scrolling. And it wouldn't have been until someone called me and it'd be like the, like, light switch flicked because I was like, okay, I need to put my. And I didn't know this. Obviously now I understand more about mental health. But I'm like, okay, the mask is on. Karina is functioning. Karina is now the worker. Or Karina is now the baby would cry. Karina is now the mum. Or Karina is now the PNC president. Karina is now the Hockey association treasurer. Like, this is the mask that Karina had to put on to be able to function. And it gets fucking tiring switching these masks all the time. And particularly when you're trying to do one thing and then the other thing pops up and you just like, where am I at? What the fuck am I doing? So I want to say, thank God for social media. I have learned so much about myself listening to other people tell their stories about their mental health and the way that they function and the way that they get through things. But that's what kind of gave me the, like, clues of like, holy shit, there's something not quite right. But that's only kind of in the last 12 months. Five years ago, in 2019, 2018, 2019 is when my mental health really took a massive dive and I thought about dying every day. I avoided going to work for months, but I still somehow managed to lie to everyone and get everyone to still think that I had things worked out, because I definitely didn't. And that only kind of works for so long. And I fully understand why people think that sometimes suicide is the option. Let me tell you, that is not the option here, my love. Never an option. Not something that's going to happen. Please, no. So 2019, when things were not going great, I was going back to my doctor because physically, I was constantly unwell. Like stomach issues, chest infections, sinus infections, all of these things. My heart would be playing up. And by then I'd had two babies. I definitely had postnatal depression. Like, I didn't really understand. I'd been put on meds, but I was like, I'm healed, I'm fine. Like, take the meds away. I don't need it anymore. And I suppose five years ago, the system wasn't really. It was still kind of dark ages where these conversations weren't happening. And I suppose again, this is why social media is so great, because these conversations and stories are being openly had. And my doctor kept doing these. I want to say K10. They're not K10s. Is it a decile 10? It's this thing. It's like, on a scale of 1 to 10, do you feel more happy or less happy? Do you feel more dry in the mouth or less dry in the mouth than you did two weeks ago? It's like this fucking thing. And I'm like, why do I have to do this fucking thing again? Like, clearly I'm not okay. And so my doctor was like, things are really not great, Karina. Like, what the is actually going on? Oh, my gosh. He would never swear. He's too kind for that. And he. Small country town, knew my family, like, knew all of these things. And he just kept saying, karina, what are you doing? Like, why are you doing all these things? And I'm like, oh, well, this is X, Y, Z. And I'm going to solve the problem by blah, blah, blah, blah. I always had a plan and, like, a perfect way to make everything work. Except the thing was, I had no control over the outside stuff, so I don't know how I. Anyway, that's mentally unwell, clearly. So he said, look, I really think we need to get someone who actually knows what they're talking about. Let's find you a psychiatrist. And I was like, okay, cool. Went home and just googled the shit out of, like, how do I find a psychiatrist? And how do I. Blah, blah, blah. And then I just started emailing and I found someone who was like, yep, happy to actually see you. And I was like, yes, thank you, thank you, the Lords of Private Health. More about that conversation later. And all of the other things. And so when I had the breakdown and my family was like, what's actually going on? And I was like, I want to die. I don't want to be here anymore. I was actually able to say to them, my doctor is aware, and we kind of have a bit of a plan, but my plan is not happening right now. I can't get in to see the psychiatrist for another three weeks. Gosh, I love wait times. And so in that three weeks, I was like, obviously I'm not well, so can I fly to Perth? Can I go see a naturopath? Can I get all of these bloods done because maybe there's something wrong with my thyroid. Like, maybe there's something hormonally not right with me. Can I go see a hypnotherapist? Can I do all this? And my family was like, just go, let's try and sort this mess out. And remember, the naturopath, she did this little scan and she's like, literally, your body is like, at the rev limiter. Like, it is like, change gears, please, or slow the fuck down because you're about to blow your engine. And the hypnotherapist was really cool. He was a psychologist hypnotherapist, and I loved that. And so I spent, like, a bit of a week in Perth doing all these things, and I went home, got the results, and they're like, no, you're definitely a bit fucked right now. And so we just kind of went with that. And my family were really great. They were really supportive. My husband was just so amazing. God, I love that man. And when I finally got to speak to the psychiatrist, my GP was like, look, let's telehealth come into the surgery. You and I'll sit down together and we'll talk to her and we'll get through this. So on this telehealth with this woman I've never met before, and she's like, okay, tell me your story. And I was like, great. Okay, sure. Where do I start? I was sexually assaulted as a child. My parents divorced. I lost my grandfather when I was really young. I was super close to him. I've had two babies. They're only 20 months apart. I really struggle. I yell, I scream. I get frustrated, I get overwhelmed. I. I end up throwing things. I scream. I want to get in the car and I want to drive away. And obviously, I've thought about suicide a lot. And she goes, I think we're on this call for, like, 20 minutes. She's just writing all these notes. And she goes, you have ptsd. And I. Sorry, what? She's like, you've clearly had undiagnosed postnatal depression. And I was like, yeah. And also all of these other things, it's like. It's complex ptsd. It's where all of these traumatic events happen in your life and they compound and one thing after the next, it's just like. You just get to that point and your body is about to explode. And I was like, okay, sure. What now, then? And I'd met someone about 12 months ago who'd had a mental breakdown. And was hospitalized. And I'd kind of been talking to her a little bit because she was helping me work through my stuff. And I knew a little bit about this process. And she was like, it actually was a really good experience for me. And so when the doctor was like, I'd really like you to come to Perth, I was like, okay, call. How soon? And she's like, within the next few days. And I'm like, oh, shit. And my doctor, he's just popped his hand on my hand and he's like, it's all right, Darla, alright. And I'm just thinking, like, how am I going to tell my family? Like, how am I going to say to them, this psychiatrist wants me to go to Perth and be admitted? And I just, just so grateful for my doctor. It's like, look, go out the side door, go find your family and just talk to them. This is our plan and this is what we're doing. And I. It was definitely like a shock to everyone, but I knew this is what I needed to do because I wanted my children to have the support and the structure, those things. I wanted to be the best version of myself so that they could have the best version of me. So that's what happened. So I was admitted, we went in. I had to change my private health because, you know, as a mom, when you have kids and you try and reduce your expenses and all of the rest of it, we reduced our private health cover and the hospital was like, look, they'll only cover 40% of each night and it's about $900 a night or day, and you will then need to pay for the first week up front. And I just thought, where the fuck am I going to get this money from? And again, I'm in this fortunate position where my family was like, we do not care what it costs. We want you here and we want you alive and we want you well. And I was like, thanks guys, that's so amazing. But actually, just like, let me make a phone call to hbf, who we used to be with, and see if they'll help me out. And honestly, they couldn't have been more amazing. And HBF actually covered everything for me except my excess. And when I get those phone calls these days and they're like, oh, hey, we're just calling about your private health and like, we want to know how it's currently. And I'm just like, please stop talking to me. I'm not changing. I'm really happy with where I'm at because it's just a non negotiable. For us, it's just a non negotiable. I'm not changing my cover, I'm not changing who I'm with, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because that is something that I was able to. And it's something still these days that I can just like go, hey, I've got top private health. Can you please blah, blah, blah, blah. Yep, absolutely. Thank you so much. And so for me, it's just that non negotiable. But again, just so conscious of knowing that not everyone's in that position. So I really hope that through the podcast and through She's Honesty Mental and the rest of it, what we can get out of this is that you understand you do not need to be in crisis to get help. You don't need permission to fall apart. You don't need someone to say, look, go have a breakdown. You know, it's okay. Because it's actually not okay. There's just so much and I'm like, I don't even know what I've spoken about, but it'll all come out. You'll get to know me a bit more. And I'm still in awe that I'm here and I'm able to be holding this space for you guys. Thanks for hanging out with me. On She's Honestly Mental. If today's episode cracked open something inside of you or gave you space to exhale, come say hi over at Instagram at She's Honestly Mental. Or send this to someone who needs to to hear that they're not alone. And if you haven't yet, hit that follow button so the next episode lands in your messy feed right where it belongs. Until next time, take care of your brain. You're not broken, you're just honestly mental. And all the best people are.