Rebuilding After Reaching A Breaking Point (with Tripp Lanier)

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All of that came crashing down and I think for the better part of several weeks, I couldn't leave the house. I lost like £30 and I was just a mess. At any given moment, if I tried to go to the grocery store or something, I would just break down in the middle of the aisle or whatever. Not even sense that it was coming on or something. It was so bizarre.

This is Reclaim in Advance, a social impact project where we host vulnerable conversations with modern day high performers exploring the lowest points of their personal or professional life, how they recovered, and their life on the other side of hardship. My hope is that you'll realize you aren't the only one who goes through tough times and there is a way out. Through these conversations, you'll gain inspiration from the grit and honesty of our guests and you'll learn practical tools and science backed frameworks that empower you to take on new challenges, regardless of how difficult they may seem at first. So if you're ready to join in, let's get started. Tripp Lanier is a professional coach, author of this book Will make youe Dangerous and host of the New man podcast beyond the Macho Jerk and the New Age Wimp, which for over a decade has been downloaded millions of times. As a heads up, this episode contains references to suicide. Please take care while listening or feel free to skip to another episode. Tripp, how's it going today?

It's going well, doing well. Good to see you again, Terry.

Yeah, it's good to see you again too, because as I was saying before we hit record, the reason why this podcast exists is because I spoke to you several months ago and you essentially removed the artificial constraints that I put in place between me helping people overcome setbacks, seize opportunities. And that's what I'm doing through this podcast. That's what I'm doing through my work. So I'm just really excited to have you on here. And as I said before we started recording, this has been a challenging week for me because my brother just passed away last week. And when I started this podcast, my goal is to help other people get over their setbacks. Based on my personal experiences that I've had in the past, I never experienced that to happen while I was actually Creating this project, actually putting it together. So in a way, I become part of the audience that I want to support. And it becomes even more meaningful in a selfish way to help people advance forward. So that's why I'm glad to have you here. It's a very meaningful moment and experience for me. But just to get the ball rolling here, do you mind introducing yourself?

Yeah. You sure you want to talk to me, like, about me? It seems like there's so much more happening on your end.

I have the right trip. I'm good.

Okay, let's see. How do I introduce myself? I've been a professional coach for nearly 20 years now. Before that, I had my own small company in media production, and that afforded me a very simple lifestyle to be able to travel and kind of be a personal development, spiritual development junkie. And then kind of hit a place where I was like, gosh, I felt out of alignment with the things that mattered to me and how I was making a living. And so that brought me into the coaching world. And I've been really fortunate to be able to, essentially, my wife and I and our daughter were able to live where we want and have a very simple life. And, you know, I get to work, have really great, impactful conversations with people every day. People that are trying to align their values with how they serve others or help others or create something out in the world. So.

Well, hopefully this will be another one of those conversations and you know how it goes here. In a moment, I'm going to ask you to share the darkest part of your personal or professional life that you feel comfortable sharing and then how you got through it with a goal of inspiring and motivating our audience as well. And afterwards, like I said, we're going to make this a two part episode. Afterwards, you're actually going to interview me about some of my challenges, which are even coming up recently, and how I navigate them as well. So you're up first. So I'm going to go easy on you because I don't want you to go too hard on me. But, Tripp, let's talk. What do you feel comfortable sharing?

I like that you just like, real right into the good stuff. The deepest, darkest moment. Let's see. Well, so I would say I was in my mid-20s, I can't remember how old, maybe 25, 26 and 13 years before. My mother had taken her own life and I'd never dealt with it. And I'd spent a good 12, 13 years just trying to control and manage my life so that I Didn't have to experience anything or I didn't have to feel anything. I didn't have to feel threatened. My relationships, just the interests that I had, I did. I couldn't. I couldn't see it at the time, but essentially I was living a very, very small life. And fast forward 12, 13 years later. I'd been living with my girlfriend and things were going great. I was starting to really, like, oh, she could relax. And I was really feeling like I could have a home. And one thing led to another and she decided she wasn't ready to settle down. We were both really young and she wanted to create a life for herself and a profession for herself elsewhere. And I totally understood and got it. And yeah, of course. But what I didn't see coming was the house of cards that I was living in this emotional world. It just came crumbling down, the abandonment stuff, whatever. So I. I was fortunate enough I was seeing a therapist at that time, but it was a very intellectual thing. It was like I was getting a degree and kind of understanding what was going on in my mind, but I wasn't feeling anything. I wasn't. I wasn't able to experience anything. I was so muted and so withdrawn from that stuff. Well, not anymore. That all of that came crashing down. And I think for the better part of several weeks, I couldn't leave the house. I lost like £30 and I was just a mess. And I didn't. I didn't really. I didn't understand what was going on with me. I didn't understand. I didn't have a context for what was going on. I didn't understand anything. That, yeah, it was just so much. And at any given moment, if I tried to go to the grocery store or something, I would just start breaking. I just break down in the middle of the aisle or whatever. Not even see, feel like it. I could sense that it was coming on or something. It was so bizarre. And so I remember I was laying there one night on the couch and just like, how do I make this stop? I've had enough. Like, please make it go away. Please make it stop. And I had so much resentment and so much hatred and so much. I was so angry at my mom for what she did. And I was in this kind of perpetual drama triangle. She was the villain and I was the victim, and you. And. And, you know, I remember early on when I'd started working with the therapist that I was with, I was like, what's the end game here? And she's like, well, ideally, you'll Forgive your mother. And I was like, there's no way. I just, I, this is just not feasible that I could forgive her. And I remember laying there on the couch and I was just like, how do I make this stop? What do I have to do to make this stop? What could I do? What could I do? And the, the thought crossed my mind, you could take your own life and that would stop things, that would stop this. And I was like, oh my God. Like, that's, maybe that's part of what she was thinking. Maybe that's part of what she was feeling, that she, and she took that road, she took that, that doorway. And in that moment, I realized I didn't want to end my life. I didn't want to feel this anymore, but I didn't want to end my life either. And I chose to live. But I felt like, because I could see things from her perspective and I could feel it. I could sense what that door would be like and how it could provide relief in that really dark place. It was like a light switch. And I felt all of this weight go off. And immediately I, I, I just got it. And I felt this forgiveness and this ease and this, it was like, oh, it's okay, it's all right. Like, it was a stupid choice still. It was really dumb choice, but I get it. I get it. And that moment on the healing and the recovery process that I was in just got much, much easier. I still had a lot of waves and things that I went through, but it wasn't until that moment that I realized how much energy I was spending trying to contain my emotional world and trying to control my emotional world. It was like trying to keep an 800 pound gorilla in a trash can or something. And it was just so much energy. And suddenly I didn't have to worry about that anymore. It was okay. It was okay to have my emotions and it was okay to have to experience things and know that I could go there. Didn't really want to go there, but I could and it wouldn't. It felt like it was going to kill me, but it didn't kill me. So that was a huge turning point. I learned so much in there about forgiveness. I learned so much about the willingness to experience things, the. And, you know, and that, and that put me on a path to become, you know, a person that was voraciously curious about the human experience, whether that was, you know, our own development or mentally, but also emotionally and spiritually. And yeah, I can, I can zero everything back to that, to that moment. Everything Just. It was a flashpoint for me.

I'm gonna ask a question that might sound morbidly curious, but there, I promise there is a goal to it, because I think a lot of people listening have heard this before. I'm about to say it in a moment, and it stings. Here's what they've heard. They've heard everything happens for a reason. And when that thing happens and someone says that, it can seem very trite and dismissive. So in reflecting back on your life, losing your mom and even the depths that you went to, how would it feel if I said to you, well, everything happens to her for a reason? Would you agree with that? Would that make you vomit?

Oh, I've heard it plenty of times. You know, I don't. I don't. It's not particularly part of my philosophy, but what I. What does give me comfort is that we have responsibility. So things happen. Terrible things happen. Terrible things happen to good people. It's not fair. And. But what does give me a sense of comfort is that if we can find the strength, we. We can find ways to. To utilize that and grow. But that's a really tough thing to say when you've just been knocked over the head. You know, it's a really tough thing to hear. That's not the time just yet. But there's a. But it is ultimately true that if we choose to look at that with curiosity and how can I grow from this? Or what can I learn from this? How can this help me be a better version of me?

Wow.

There's so much possible, for sure.

I like that approach better, where it's like you're trying to find. I don't want to say the gift that the experience gives you, but it's like the ability or the freedom or the opportunity to do something that is positive. And I think if we can take that approach to it, it seems less trite and callous than someone saying, everything happens for a reason. Right. Because that's. It's like, well, what's the reason? Makes no sense. Right. So, yeah, so I can align with that. What I'm wondering is this, though, because you're a trained professional, helping other people work through these. These challenges, this type of trauma, what would you have said to yourself back then that your therapist clearly didn't say to help you come to that realization? If anything, what tools would you give someone who's facing a similar situation?

Well, you know, I don't work with. With people that are. That are dealing with heavy trauma. I refer those people out and I work in conjunction with trained psychologists and psychotherapists and psychiatrists and stuff. But nonetheless, by and large I'm lucky and I'm fortunate that the people that I work with are curious and they want to. There's a desire there to say, hey, I want to find the good in this. If it's a divorce, if I've been fired from my career, if it's an illness, if it's some kind of setback, there's a desire to find a way to utilize this and benefit from it and leverage it in a positive way internally. What I don't tend to work with and I don't tend to come across a lot of people in my professional life that are looking to fortify a victim mentality or a victim identity, if that's their thing. Like, look at how bad things have gotten for me. And let's just talk about that. That's not helpful. I mean, it's not going to help them solve their problems and it can be a really tough place to be. And that's very different from I'm so sad and I'm hurt and I feel alone and I feel crushed. That's very different from let's talk about how the world turned on me and why, you know, we should feel sorry for me in this moment. So those are very. I think if I, if I can help people, I would want to help them nudge that into a place of are you interested? At what point are you going to be interested in seeing and using this to grow? And you may not be there yet. You might need to just feel like the world wronged you and that might be part of your process to be pissed off or to be hurt in that way. But we can. Like I was there for years, so it didn't do me any good to stay there. It was only eating me up, you know, inside.

I have a statement then, a question. So the statement is you hinted at having a victim mentality. And I think when my son died, I over indexed on not wanting to be seen as a victim. I wanted to be seen as strong and resilient. And I think as a result that that wound didn't heal as well as it, as it could have. And it's things that I'm still working through now, seven years later. So now with my brother passing away recently, I am, I'm showing that yes, I am hurt, I am grieving, but I'm showing the resilience that I try to share with other people and how I'm getting through it instead of saying what was me, I'm saying, okay, this horrible thing happened. That's why today I'm going to go exercise. That's why today I'm going to meditate. I'm going to make sure I'm focusing on the controllable. So I'm glad you brought that up because there's nothing. These things happen. But it's like, what is your attitude towards it? Does this become your new identity? Or do you see this as like this horrible situation that you really got to put your arms around and fight to work through? The question is this. I'm looking behind you and I see this sign that says freedom, aliveness, love and peace. And I know that was referenced heavily in your book. This book will make you dangerous, which I highly recommend. I've bought it for people on more than one occasion. Can you break down what these four words represent in your book? And then from there, which one do you think we over index on in regards to how we're trying to improve our life? And I promise listening audience, this will make sense once he goes into it. So, Tripp, take it away before they get too confused here.

Well, what, what is, what am I pointing to with freedom, aliveness, love and peace? Well, a lot of people that I've worked with have had a lot of success in their lives, meaning they've accomplished a lot of the things that they wanted to, they set out to do. They, they've been high achievers. And then they got to this place and they felt empty or they felt like something was wrong or off. And they didn't realize that they had created a theory that if they just got xyz, then they would feel differently. They hadn't connected the dots between that external accomplishment and the experience or the internal experience that they wanted to have. And so it's very crazy when we get to this place, you're like, wait a second, I've accomplished xyz. Why do I still feel this way? And typically, they kind of largely feel trapped or drained or isolated or bored or overwhelmed. So those are the things that kind of loosely, those are kind of the general areas there. And nobody sets out to feel that way. I don't know anybody. It's like, I'd love to get to a place where I feel isolated. That's a different from I need alone time. Isolated is like I'm cut off from humanity and all right, nobody knows me and nobody cares about me. There's like, those are terrible. It's a terrible place to be. So with that in mind. If I don't want to feel trapped, then that points to freedom. I do want to feel free. If I don't want to feel drained, that tells me I want to feel alive. If I don't want to feel isolated, it tells me I want to feel connected or loved. And if I don't want to feel bored or overwhelmed or stressed out, then that points to peace of mind. And so when I'm working with people and we are kind of setting out and getting clarity about what it is that they want to create in their lives, ultimately I'm helping them point to this. What's going to help you feel more free or more alive or more love or more peace of mind? Because if we go and accomplish this thing that looks really cool on paper or on your foam core vision board that you got in your, in your, you know, in your office at home, and you still feel trapped or drained or isolated or bored or overwhelmed, then we miss the mark we screwed up somewhere. And so we're always coming back to where can I experience freedom, aliveness, love and peace today? Not at the end of some big finish line or at the end of some big accomplishment. And that usually challenges us to start to live our lives a bit differently.

I've been doing that since I read your book, and it's amazing how you're giving very practical but rarely utilized suggestions on how to do that. So if you want to feel more free, I might say, oh, I want to go on some crazy vacation that's going to be around the world or something like that. Well, what can you do right now? Oh, I can go to the Brooklyn Bridge Park. You know, it's like there's, there's options that are at least getting you closer to that vision. But I feel like sometimes we just feel trapped because it seems like it's so hard to attain or it's so far away when if you can explore the adjacent possible, you can get that freedom, aliveness, love and peace today. And then, yeah, keep building towards, you know, other outcomes. But I, it. It just unlocks so many opportunities for me. So I, so I appreciate that.

Yeah. And it also starts to poke through all of the excuses we're making. I don't have time or my partner won't let me do that or, you know, whatever. And we can start to see like those are the reasons why we don't feel this way. It's not because we haven't achieved this big goal. We've created an environment that keeps us stuck in this place and that's where it feels dangerous is to start to reshape that or to challenge those ideas that I can't because of xyz. It's that victim mentality we're talking about.

So Tripp, this is going to be an interesting sign off because you're going to interview me right after this in the next episode. But let's wrap this one up here. Where can people learn more about you if they want to follow your work?

Yeah, so this book will make you dangerous. It's available everywhere you get books. Amazon's obviously the easiest place to get it. And I also have been hosting a podcast since the 20072008 called the New Man Podcast, which folks can learn about there. And then if you want to learn more about the coaching that I do, you can visit tripplinear.com awesome.

Thanks Tripper. I appreciate it.

Thank you man.

And that's our show for today. And if you're looking for more tools and tactics to help you level up and overcome setbacks, head over to Terryrice co Reclaim, where you'll gain access to two free resources. The first is the High Performance Playbook where I share my top performance techniques. You'll also gain access to the Forge system, a program that gives you the framework to create a powerful vision for your life and the daily habits needed to make it happen. And if you're interested in joining the Reclaim and Advance movement, here are a few ways to get involved. First, subscribe and leave a review. This is the best way for us to spread the word to new people. Second, if you have a favorite takeaway this from Episode, please take a screenshot and share your takeaway on Social Tag me at Teryrice so I can see it and share as well. And lastly, this one's pretty simple. Just do one random act of kindness. It doesn't matter how big or small, but this is your chance to start a ripple effect that can have a positive impact on those around you, including yourself. And remember, success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It's the courage to continue that counts. I hope you'll continue on this journey with me and I'll see you next time. Reclaim in advance is hosted by me, Terry Rice. Megan Dom is our Managing Director, and our editor is Dan Lardy. Thanks for listening.