Work-Life Harmony: Insights from Reena B. Patel on Parenting and Entrepreneurship

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Shouldn't be that the minute you have children that you have to squash all your future ambitions and or even say I'm going to wait till they're all grown up. And so I knew that I wanted to be that healthy role model to show them that they can actually do the same thing that I'm doing.

If you've ever struggled to get work done while your kids are home, or maybe some other guest you might have, then stick around. Help is on the way. This is the Launch youh Business podcast because we know starting a business is challenging, but it doesn't have to be confusing. Each week we'll give you the tactical advice and the necessary tools to scale your business without feeling burnt out. I'm Terry Rice, business development consultant and staff writer here at Entrepreneur Magazine. Let's dive in. If you've been following me for a while, you know that I have four kids and they're all under 8 years old. And as you can imagine, being a dad takes up a lot of time. Now, fortunately, my wife, Dominique also does an amazing job raising them, so shout out to her. But you may have also heard me talk about how being so time constrained is an advantage. Since my time is limited during the workday, I'm forced to concentrate on the most impactful tasks, which boosts my efficiency as well as my productivity. But let's just be real here for a second. Sometimes it sucks, especially when my kids are home while I'm working. And yes, I love my kids, but there's no use pretending like we're all just sitting around singing campfire songs and doing arts and crafts all day. Sometimes I'm breaking up wrestling matches between my sons and trying to keep my daughters occupied while I'm writing. So, as a parent, how can you get your work done even when your kids are at home? I have no clue. So that's why today we're joined by Reena Patel. For more than 20 years, Reena Patel has been working with families and children, supporting all aspects of parenting, education, and positive wellness. She's a parenting expert, psychologist, and author, and you may have seen her on Good Morning America as well as CBS News. As a parenting expert contributor, Rena's work can also be seen in the Huffington Post and Wall Street Journal. Her goal is to empower families with the tools they need to raise their children. And my goal is to give my kids a childhood they don't have to recover from. So let's hop right into the conversation so we can learn how to do that while still getting our work done. So if you don't mind just starting off by introducing yourself, that would be great.

My name is Reena B. Patel. I am a licensed psychologist, author, parenting expert in the media world. I have a private practice My background is in education as an educational psychologist. I am also a positive psychologist and a child and family therapist. And so I use all of those tools for the years and years of training really to make and give everyone out there practical tips. There isn't anything that I share or provide that I haven't tried on my own three kids myself. I really believe in, you know, not only talking and teaching about all of these tools that we can use through the most difficult time. You know, we are in an unprecedented time, but using these tools. But for me, it is applying them and knowing that they work, knowing that they are effective, knowing that I am also in the same shoes as all of you. And so I think that is really what drives my success, is that there are these quick key takeaways that people can apply right away.

Awesome. I'm looking forward to that. Because you're in the perfect position to provide value to our audience right now because you're an entrepreneur and a parent. And that's what we're talking to you right now. Because as an entrepreneur, it's great. You have all this, I want to call it free time. We have flexibility with your time. You make your own schedule. But the challenge can be this. You have flexibility, but as a parent, you might find that you're creeping into the time as a parent and there's like this back and forth, like, well, I'm doing this for my kids and their future, but you're neglecting them in the present because you're working too much. So I know it's a very tough question to answer, but how do we find balance as a parent and as an entrepreneur?

I mean, to say that none of us as parents don't carry any guilt is pretty much a myth because there are going to be times where I. There's no such thing as equilibrium. They talk about work, life, balance. I actually disagree. It's really hard to constantly find that balance. There is going to be a give and take. There are going to be days where you're going to have to put in more hours at work because of the needs or because you might have a deadline. And there are going to be days where your children really do need you and you have to say no. And I think it's that fluidity and flexibility is the one life skill. If we can give to our kids, but also teach ourselves is really important because things do not go the way we want them to. We know that the minute our child was born, we know that we are not working on our own schedule. We are really Working on our children's schedule. And that is the benefit of being an entrepreneur, being a private practitioner. I have worked in a 9 to 5 job for over 20 plus years and I found that more difficult. I like the flexibility because I can plan ahead and I am actually at a point in my career that if it gets too much, I can actually say no and maybe refer out, you know, say no. And I think that is a lot healthier in I'm able to do that where I feel. I know early on in careers you want every single client, you want every project and you just are afraid to say no. But after about two years into my practice and just doing things privately as an entrepreneur in my small business, I feel comfortable now, so many years in, about 10 years in, to say no to things that really will take away from that time that I need.

It's funny you said, because often when I say yes to an opportunity, I think to myself, how many months of daycare will this pay for? Right. So I'm already thinking about my kids in general when it comes to work. But one thing I find is this, when you are saying no to give yourself more time back with your kids, even when you're with your kids, you're still thinking about work. So how can we lock in and be more mindful when we're with our kids and saying like, okay, you're here physically, but how can you be there mentally as well?

Yeah, you have to compartmentalize. And that is something I'm fortunate enough to do. Although this pandemic really did shift that for me. I think a lot of us have felt that secondary trauma, as I say. And so then I was constantly thinking, but that's where you get into burnout. So you really do have to imagine your brain visually and almost like a puzzle, like put it out into puzzles. And so when you are with your children, that's their time and they are savvy. They know when you're thinking about something else, you're not attending to them or the minute you're scrolling through your phone or let me get to that email and that's quality time. In fact, I just did a write up about the importance of reading to your children at bed. And the benefits, the huge benefits, even just 15 minutes at night, you're away from distractions. Your child knows it's something there's nothing can look forward to at night. They get control, they get to pick the book, but it increases their academic skills. It develops and strengthens the bond you gu have as a parent child and it also lets them know that you respect them, that they're important, they're a valued member in your life. And I think those are important. So if you look and consider the things, the benefits, that email can wait, right? Or that thought can wait. It's just one of those things that you have to kind of practice, but learn to compartmentalize, learn to kind of create these walls in your head that you can just keep it out. It's not that you're not going to get to it. It's just that you're going to take a pause.

One thing I do once in a while is I'll look at pictures of my kids when they were younger. And by that I mean, like two years ago. I remember, like, hey, here's how little she was then. She's never going to be that little again. And right now you're not being present because you're thinking about work. And you're going to be looking back at this picture two years from now thinking, oh, man, you know, I remember when she was that small. So that's one little trick I use. But where I think we can also use a lot of help is parents that are still working from home. Maybe their kids are home sometimes, too. Like, today's election day here in New York. So all four of my kids are home. How do we task switch? Because we don't have that buffer of commuting from the office to home to just kind of readjust and get into parent mode. How do you do that when you just have to turn it back on and be a parent? Sometimes out of nowhere, you still have.

To have a schedule. You cannot have this controlled chaos or just chaos. I mean, you definitely do have to establish a schedule and let your. Your children know, let even your spouse and partner know that this is my work schedule. This is my lunchtime. When the kids were at home doing online learning, I would take lunch breaks when they took lunch breaks. And so we were eating lunch together. And so I think that is really important to establish. Still keep your morning routine, still get dressed up, still, you know, have an environment, a workspace that is conducive for you to be productive. The last thing we want to do is finish the day and feel like we got nothing accomplished. So I definitely make sure you do that.

This question might be impossible to answer, but if we can crack this code for, again, the random times when your kid is still home, maybe there's like a scare about COVID at the school or whatever. It may be like today's election day. Is there a way to actually get work done while your kid is in the same room? Is there a fun way to do that to keep them engaged but also let you lock in and do some work?

Yeah, especially for little ones. They're the ones that are the hardest. Right. Their attention spread span, it's really per age. And so we shouldn't expect a three year old to be able to attend to something for 20 minutes. It's not realistic. But what I look at like novelty children like the anticipation of surprises and novelty. And so some things that you can do that are really makeshift DIY right at home is just take a blank envelope, put a question mark on the outside of it and put an active. Put something in there that they have no idea it could be. Play with blocks. And they know that they have blocks. But just that anticipation of excitement is something exciting, something to do. Create a basket. Basket, Very structured bins. Anything that you can have with a lid over it because it's in your workspace, you still want to be able to clean up, give them space, give them a mat that they can kind of. That's what's so great about the Montessori education system is they actually work on a mat. And the reason being is it's very structured. There's a reason you want to start to teach them some of these healthy work habits and self discipline as well and then go to the local 99 cent store or go get things that they haven't played with in a while, books they haven't read. Game you don't want all toys out at all times. You want to rotate them because that keeps that novelty and excitement there. But put the things that they haven't engaged with in a long time in that bin. And so there's that excitement, there's that newness that might be items that they can only play with when they're next to you. And so that'll keep them very engaged. And the other thing is we all on zoom calls and boy, do we not want to be interrupted. And we've all been in that situation, you know, that's where they can, you know, give them headphones, give them music to listen to. And another great thing is the concept of waiting. That's a life skill to teach our children. And so creating fun little wait cards. So let's say they're trying to gain your attention but you, you know, you're constantly, you can't really say anything or whatever. Make some little fun little wait cards, like a visual for them and just kind of hey, hey, you know what? I want you to wait. We're going to wait. And that it's a great skill to practice and to increase the duration. In fact, an exercise to do just out and about throughout the house is teaching them the concept of waiting.

This is amazing. So thank you in advance for everything you've already said, you're going to say going forward. But I mean, yeah, I mean, these are things that are easy to apply to your point. They're practical and, you know, very, very tangible. But until you hear someone like you, you're like, oh, never thought of that. But like, you're saying, like, have a novelty around toys. It happens all the time. Like, my son will be playing with a toy my daughter hasn't played within years. As soon as he picks it up, oh, that's mine. I'm like, you haven't cared since 2020. 2019. But now that now your brother has it. Yeah, all of a sudden it's important. But let's talk more about that again. Your kids are home, and you have this jarring transition where you have to work still. And even if they're not home, how do you explain to your kid, hey, I have to work without making work sound like something they never want to do? Because it's like this horrible thing that's a chore that's taking people away from their loved ones. How do we explain that in a way that we get the point, but doesn't seem like this is horrible thing that you're doing?

You know, I think it's really important because work doesn't necessarily have to be work to produce. Work is the concept of doing right, doing something. And how difficult would it be to do something when you're constantly distracted? You have to get up, you're not productive. You don't get the endpoint right, the outcome. And so break it down to their developmental level. Imagine wanting to put a fun puzzle together, but every time, mommy or daddy's calling you to come do this. How much longer does it take? Do you feel good about yourself? Did you finish the puzzle? Did you get. You know, they're very black and white concrete learners when they're young, and so really bring it down to their understanding. What's developmentally understanding for them. That is work. And so they may not understand the abstract. This major project you're working on, as they get older, they'll realize work is what we do to earn money. It's motivating for us. We enjoy it as well, but the money is how we're able to do the privileged things that we get to do. Explaining that being very matter of fact is very important. I think kids should be in the know ultimately. Why are they in school? Yes, to learn. But then what's going to happen after they go to school? School, they're going to go out into the workforce. That's the other thing is it's important to share with your children what you do. You know, find a book that shares exactly what you do or make it up. You know, create a book yourself or watch a show. You know, I think it's really important. Play. Let them play. Dress up. Let them. They want to be like you. My little guy dresses up to be a physician, especially with the frontline workers. When all of that was happening, he was wearing the white coat, just, you know, like his dad who's a doctor taking care of patients and stuffies at home. And I think that's important for them to know that you're out there doing something bigger than them. You know, that that's really important. That makes a difference in this world.

Yeah, my kids will be wearing a hoodie because that's pretty much what I wear when I'm working. But.

But you, but you do have things, right? You're interviewing people, you're running these podcasts. I mean, you're doing all this stuff. So I think it's important for them. You and I have spoken about this before too. They've been in there playing, you know, playing around with you and stuff. And so they know.

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So back to trial and error. And one child is different from the other. Parenting is an endurance test, right? And you know this. I mean, once you go through a stage, we have another stage to get through. And so I think just reminding yourself that our children are resilient, really unconditional love is more than anything that they need. And it's okay to make these mistakes. It's okay to have these struggles. And we can adjust, right? We can be flexible and make some changes when we need to.

Yeah, let's go deeper on that because we're kind of getting to the point where, as an entrepreneur, as a parent, how do you kind of digest these things? And for me, I used to have a lot of guilt when I was traveling and I was away from my kids. And I remember one time I was at this conference in San Francisco, and my daughter wanted to FaceTime right before I went on stage. So I go on. I go on my phone, I'm talking to her. I got to go. She starts crying, dad, no, dad, no, dad, no. I'm like, great, now you'll talk to a thousand people after, you know, my heart's been ripped out.

Yes. So I think it's important. I think. You know what? It's such a valid point that you bring, because we, our children need us. And it's never going to be a time that is desirable for us. Right. But the greatest skill to give our children is autonomy. So at a young age, to allow for caretakers, babysitters, loved ones to watch our children so they gain that sense of security, that strong attachment. And then know children will know that when you drop them to daycare, when you drop them to school that you're going to be there to pick them up, I think that's really important. They have that sense of security. And so. And if you were to know you've got a big project coming up, or you do have to travel front, load them with all this positive attention, make plans, let them know, and that's how they're going. Yes. It's okay to be sad, right? It's okay because it's showing you that they love you and they want to be with you, but they've got this sense of understanding. And I bet you right after your show or the talk or whatnot, you were able to connect with her and chat with her, and so it didn't scar her. But those moments are definitely difficult.

And I think sometimes to handle the guilt of that, once we can be present, we just overdo it. So every time I would travel, I would come back and just give her all these gifts. But after a while, like, that's the first thing she asked for. She put her hand out before she put her arms out for a hug. So I trained her to think, oh, you get rewarded when Dad's gone with stuff, not with attention and presence. So finding a more productive way to deal with it I think is great.

Yeah, Children don't need much. The greatest lesson we can teach all of ourself is what's a privilege versus necessity? Right? So all my teens out there, and I always say, I'm like, phones are not a necessity. That definitely is a privilege. But really, starting at a young age, giving them attention, social attention, those hugs, those kisses, just even talking to them without interrupting is a form of attention. And remembering. Those are things reading to them, those are things that are priceless. And so you don't always have to put something tangible in front of them when you're trying to address the parent guilt.

That's good, because there's been times when I scrambled to find something, like at like the gift shop at an airport, I'm like, okay, here's a magnet. I don't know, like you magnet. Here you go, Arkansas. Whatever. So I appreciate that. And what I'm wondering is if there's anything else you'd like to share with. Again, these are entrepreneurs who are parents. They have all this autonomy, but also sometimes uncertainty about their business, that can cause anxiety, that can cause stress. And then when you want to be a present parent as well, just kind of compounds on top of that. So are there any words of advice or anything else you want to pass along to that specific individual?

You know, I was nervous to go out on my own one. I knew my kids were young, they needed me, but I also knew that I had dreams as well. It shouldn't be that the minute you have children that you have to squash all your future ambitions or even say, I'm going to wait till they're all grown up. I mean, that doesn't make sense either. And out of the house. And so I knew that I wanted to be that healthy role model to show them that they can actually do the same thing that I am doing and we can have this, you know, this healthier way of doing it. Of course it is not going to 100% be balanced all the time. I thought that was number one. And then I wanted to show them the importance of investing in yourself. Right? You hear this a lot, that if. How is anybody else going to believe in you if you can't do, you know, believe in yourself and invest in yourself. So I really took the first few years just investing in myself. I made very little money the first two years. I mean, I had saved up, I had worked it out with my husband and I said, look, I am leaving a great job that I have, but I really want to start a small business, work on my own. So I left that 9 to 5 job and my daughters were young at the time, and I thought, you know what, I am going to go for it. And then I gave myself a timeline. I said, you know, it is not set in stone. So, you know, that guilt as a parent, if I feel that my children are suffering so much or if it is not working out, you know, after a certain year, I'm. I'm going to go back, you know, I'm going to go back to that 9 to 5 job. I'm going to just be there and we'll figure things out. But the good thing is, like I said, I'm 10, 11 years in and I'm loving it. It's great. And my kids have seen me just pretty much be successful in so many ways. So I think that's like the win, win.

What you said was so important about how some people will hold back on their dreams because they're like, oh, I want to make sure that, you know, care of my kids and so on and so forth. And, you know, they'll be happy because I did this. And I'm like, well, if you're miserable, miserable, sorry, they're not going to be right? So you can't sacrifice your happiness and think it's going to make them happy because it's still going to spill over.

And yeah, you're, I mean, you're so right, Terry. I mean what you're, what you're doing too. You've got kids at home and I feel like then do you feel like it would be a cycle, like then they were think that they have to do the same. Right. Like they'd have to put their career on hold when they're going, you know, become parents.

I think it's possible that or I wouldn't be the best version of myself because part of me is always thinking, wow, if it wasn't for these kids, I'd be doing this, you know, and I never want to have that thought.

Right. Resentfulness. Yeah.

Yeah. Because you reach an age where you don't get judged by your potential, you get judged by your outcomes. And if your outcomes don't match your potential because you're letting yourself be held back by this excuse, where's, you know, where's the frustration go? So I think it'll behoove you and everyone else if you have this feeling that you want to be an entrepreneur, to pursue it. And to your point you made earlier, give yourself a timeline. One year, two years, it's not the rest of your life. It's just seeing for the work. But at least you won't be wondering what if.

Yeah, exactly. Right. And I think a lot of family, parents who are wanting to start go off on their own, they're just afraid it's like forever. Right. Like they're. But I don't think, think about all the people like us who like just anyone who shifts careers like midlife and this last thing.

Where can people find you? Where can they learn more about you? What's the best way to get in touch?

Well, I give daily advice on Instagram renabpatel, my website, www.renabpatel.com. i'm on Twitter as well Facebook. So just social media wise, that's the best thing. I've got two books on Amazon, Winnie and her worry, My friend Max. Those are great books for youngsters about life skills and that's. That's the best way.

Awesome. Thank you. Appreciate it.

Thanks, Terry.

And that's our show for today. You can learn more about Rena by visiting her website renabpatel.com and give her a follow on Instagram. That's also Reena B. Patel. Thanks for listening and I'll catch up with you next time. Apply what you've learned on today's show. You'll find the show notes and more resources at Terry Rice Podcast. Again, that's Terryrice co Backslash Podcast, and the best way to support this podcast is by subscribing, telling a friend, and leaving a review. Also, you can get more tips by following me on Instagram @TerryRice or follow me on LinkedIn. This episode was produced by Josh Wilcox of Brooklyn Podcasting Studio and edited by Dan Lardy. Special thanks to my wife, Dominique, for keeping our kids relatively quiet as I recorded. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you next time.