123. Managing Feedback

I'm Travia Steward, and I want to help you move past barriers and obstacles that are preventing you from getting what you want in life. This is Breakthrough. Yo, what's up, my peeps? Happy Podcast Thursday. So this week is the second week in May, and this week I want to talk about something that sort of caught me off guard recently. And it was, as you can tell by the title, it was about managing feedback. And so I want to give you a little bit of a backstory as to— give you a little exposition as to how this started, right? So growing up, I was not someone who was formally, formally educated with like fixed mindset, what a growth mindset is. I just remember growing up that I should, you know, don't be a Negative Nancy, just always think positive, right? Not necessarily as far as growth and all the personal development information that we have at our fingertips. And so I wasn't really focused on those types of things, feedback, growth mindset, fixed mindset, right? So I remember growing up that I would get feedback from other people, you know, like I played sports all my life and I remember, uh, you know, we, those of you who are in my world know that I believe that the negative things, the negative comments that you hear completely outweigh the positive ones you hear because that's the one that we tend to remember. And I remember in high school, we were playing, um, in the— I played softball in high school and I played softball in college. And so my junior year in high school, we won state that year. My senior year in high school, we were state runner-up and I was the last batter. And I was the last batter and I popped up to center field and I was the last out. And so we lost. And I tell you, that was, it took me a while to get over that. I carried that into my college years. And so whenever someone said something about, you know, the fly ball and had you, you know, not dipped your shoulder and had you, you know, hit on top of the ball, you know, whatever these things are, but it just stung over and over and over again. And it also, it stung in what I was making making it mean, because I was making it mean something about me personally, because I was the one who didn't get a hit. I popped up and made the last out. And so one of the things that I recognized that I took with me into adulthood was receiving feedback and, and figuring out how to manage it. So when I became a high school teacher, we were competing with one-act play in Texas. And I loved one-act play. I have a theater degree. And so I'm like, I can direct the one-act play. I'd only directed, you know, small scenes and things like that in college. So here I am as the high school teacher who can direct the full show and compete against other high schools. And the first year that we did a show, it was terrible. Year number 2, It was maybe not terrible, but it wasn't very good either. And I remember this was the first time that the light bulb went off in my head and I asked the critic judge, "I know we didn't advance, sir, but what can we improve on?" And he gave me this list of things that I went back and we implemented. And the next year, my third year of teaching, we were at the state competition. We had made it to state. And so that was a time when I was managing my feedback and getting and asking for exactly what I wanted so that I can grow and improve, use it so that I can continue to get better. And so as I allowed that to form a foundation of feedback in my life and, and, and, and how I approach it, —when I taught high school theater for 24 years, and every year I would direct 2, sometimes maybe 3 shows. And every single time, so I always had to have a talk with my students about, do not open the door for people to give you feedback unless you specifically ask. Because most people, if they say the one thing negative, That's what you're going to focus on. That's what we focused on. So the one bad comment, even if they said, oh my God, it was the best thing we— I ever saw, but you know what, I couldn't hear half the things. You know what, I didn't believe it. You know what, I didn't like the jacket. You know what, I didn't like your character's hair. Well, that's what you're going to focus on. When I was at Pine Tree High School, and this was my, my third year there, the first year I was at Pine Tree, um, We won state that year with Kentucky Cycle Fire in the Hole. We won state. The next year we were the alternate to state. The third year I was at Pine Tree, we went to state and we didn't place. And I remember the feedback we received. I mean, guys, this was not like it was last year. This was in 2007, but I remember it like it was yesterday. And I remember the critic judge saying, you know what? The stage combat was too real. It kind of took me out of that I was watching a show. And I'm thinking, great, is that not what you want? You want it to be real. But she said it was too real. And so I ruminated on that for such a long time, and I just remember going, I don't even know how to receive that, that it was too real. And I just had such a hard time with it that it honestly took me a little bit of time to get over with until I recognized that, okay, it's time. I need to let it go. The last example is focused on the last year I was at Skyline High School. I remember asking— actually, I didn't ask, but after, like, closing night performance, my principal came up to, you know, gave me a high five, you know, good show, and then followed it up with, but I don't think it was as good as the last one. So what did I focus on? That it wasn't as good as the last one. I took that shit personally. That was a perfect example of using Thumper's words: if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say nothing at all. And so That was some feedback. I'm like, let's high five, you thought it was good. Let's just stop there. You know, I'm celebrating with the kids. We thought it was fantastic. But sometimes some things are not warranted. And so just over the course of my life, I have learned to basically come up with some guidelines because I know me very, very well. And I don't want everybody's unwelcomed opinion. And everybody has an opinion. We all know that. And so today I want to start with something very simple. Feedback is essential. It's essential for me, it's essential for you, so that we can know how to grow and improve, right? It is how we improve, and it's the thing that guides us towards our goals. And it's a very, very powerful tool that can either build us up or tear us down and destroy us. It all depends on how you use it. So when I receive, when you receive feedback, you know, we might have a first instinct to get defensive, especially if the feedback is not what you expected or what you wanted. But receiving unwanted feedback, you know, that kind that like catches you off guard, like, you know, that came out of left field, that certainly wasn't what I asked for, you know, and sometimes it stings. But let's be real, nobody loves being criticized, especially when it's unexpected. It can be awkward, uncomfortable, you know, like I said a minute ago, it stings. And so remembering that feedback, even when it's unwanted, it's about the action or the situation, not me, not you as a person. It's not an attack on my character or your character, even if at times it feels that way. So, here's where things get a little tricky. Because just because someone has given you their feedback doesn't mean you have to accept it. If it's relevant and constructive, sure, take it on, use it. But if it's hurtful, unhelpful, or just plain wrong, it's completely okay to reject it. You know, just let it wash over you and replace that thought with something else. You know, it's kind of like when someone makes a comment of, you know, you have really spent time with, you know, doing your hair, and, you know, someone says something like, oh, that hairstyle doesn't really suit you. Oh, you know, you're gonna look back at that hairstyle and go, that was one of the moments that I, you know, I regret. You know, whatever that thing is, but some things can be so sensitive and out of left field because some people just blurt things out because they think it, you know, and think it's okay to say it. So that's why I believe it's so important to have guidelines. I believe you should have guidelines about who you receive feedback from because, you know, again, Not all feedback is created equal, and the source of that feedback can make all the difference. So again, we're in a world where everybody has an opinion, has an opinion, and— but the most important part of that is it's crucial to know whose opinion truly matters to you. And as a result of coaching, I'm much more aware of this than I ever was before, and I try not to just jump in and give feedback unless someone specifically asked me for it. Which is something I will lean in towards as well. I don't voluntarily give feedback and I don't want other people voluntarily giving me feedback because everybody and their mama has an opinion about this podcast, but I'm the only one sitting down doing the work on it, putting things out week after week. And so I don't, I don't welcome feedback from every Tom, Dick, and Harry who has never ever done a podcast before. To expound on that guideline, when I am specifically asking for feedback, and this is something that I suggest maybe you could, you know, put into your book of action, is don't be general. Ask specifically what you want that could be helpful for you. You know, share what you're looking for in the feedback and, you know, It can open the door to general feedback, but you want to ask what you really want to know first. Like, you know, I've asked people, you know, specific things about my podcast. Hey, do you think this, you know, the topic was good? Do you think the pacing is good? Do you think, you know, the, the guests that I've had on, you know, do you resonate with them? Those types of things, you know. And so I ask specifically what I want to know And then sometimes, you know, we can open the door to general feedback. But again, ask what you really want to know first, because if we open the door to general feedback first, sometimes we get unwanted feedback. And then what happens? That stings. And now we're looking at and listening to the feedback because we're feeling some kind of way. We got our feelings on our shoulders. My mom used to tell me that all the time. She— you too shit-naff sensitive. You wear your feelings on your sleeves. You know, I've gotten better. I'm not quite as sensitive as I used to be, but if I'm asking for this very specific feedback, that's the feedback that I want. And then if I want general feedback, I open that up and then ask for that. But on the other