124. When people show you who they are, believe them | Breakthrough

I'm Travia Steward. I want to help you move past barriers and obstacles that are preventing you from getting what you want in life. This is Breakthrough. Yo, my peeps, happy podcast Tuesday! So I'm always experimenting with some things, and right now I'm experimenting with switching the podcast up from dropping on Thursday and dropping on Tuesday. So, and if you guys are finding value in this podcast, please take a moment to rate and review the podcast— 5 stars, please— and then share it with someone else, because my purpose is to grow this podcast so that it helps many more people than I am right now. So if you're finding value, please share it with someone, okay? Today what I want to talk about, you know, in a lot of these podcast episodes come from lessons that I learn in my life, lessons that I work through with my clients. And today I'm talking about the Maya Angelou quote, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. And so I personally haven't held strong or firmly to that because I am someone who is always wanting to believe the best in people and not want to, you know, quote, judge them. Like, I'm not their judge and jury, who am I to condemn their behavior, that kind of thing. But this quote has so much value that I began, when I started looking back at all of those flags and all of those times when I tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, and it ended up taking longer to get to that same outcome had I believed them the first time. So, you know, we've all had those moments when, you know, someone's true colors shine through, right? Quote, true colors. And it could be a friend, sometimes it's a romantic partner, maybe it's somebody you work with, you know, whereas they say or do something that like you never saw that company, that you never saw that company. It's almost like it reveals their true character, their true identity. And in these moments, it's up to us to pay attention and take it seriously, because again, like I've done for a majority of my life, we tend to overlook these signs. We make excuses or we downplay their behavior and their actions, and we're hoping that, oh, that was just a one-time thing, you know. We, you know, I don't want to judge them. That is not who they are all the time, you know. We'll just give them a pass for that. Right? But here's the thing: when someone shows you who they are, it's an invitation to see them for who they're truly being, not for who I want them to be, not for who you want them to be. Believing someone when they show you their true identity is also about honoring our own boundaries and self-respect. You know, I also had to learn that it's not about passing judgment. That it's not about labeling them as good or bad. It's about recognizing their actions and behaviors for just for what they are and making informed decisions about those relationships. So I just want to share a couple examples with you. So imagine you have a friend who constantly cancels plans, you know, maybe at the last minute. And so you have, you know, put it in your calendar, you have shown up on time, you've done all these things, you have been integral to your word, but they cancel over and over and over again. Every time you make plans with them, they come up with an excuse, or maybe they just don't show up. This is a consistent behavior that, you know, I believe shows a lack of consideration and respect for time and for that, that relationship, that friendship. And so when someone shows you they're unreliable repeatedly, it's important to believe them in that situation as well. And then maybe it's time to reassess the value of that friendship, because the one thing on this earth we can never get back is time. And so when we give and commit our time to something that we deem is important and someone else doesn't show the reciprocity of that importance, it's time to believe that person as well. And so even another example, like, let's talk about in a romantic relationship. You know, let's say you, you're dating someone, let's say you're married to someone, and in the beginning of the relationship they were attentive, they were romantic, they did all the things in the dating sense, right, to get you, to win you over. And then when things, you know, let's say you've been in a relationship for several years, that attention has started to wean. You know, now during dinner, instead of being attentive to you during dinner, they're checking phone all the time. During dinner, they seem to be preoccupied, you know, whereas they used to be forthcoming with the information about, you know, how was your day today, what did you do. It seems like it's a, it's a trial, you know, like it's, it's pulling teeth to get answers out of them. And so when we think about the behavior of people today compared to how they were at the very beginning of the relationship that's a time to warrant a conversation as well. When people show you who they are, believe them, because people change. And so when it comes down to revealing, you know, a potential pattern or a behavior that, you know, that we are no longer in line, we are no longer wanting to be a part of that, it's crucial to believe those actions as well, even if they started out being the most romantic person and now, oh my goodness, they've changed. Because everybody changes, no one just stays the same. So even if the relationship started out well the first few months, few years, the first sign of something that you're like, where did this come from? This came out of left— this came out of left field. Believe him, right? And so that may be a clear indication of their true identity. That can be a potential red flag for an unhealthy relationship. Now, we always want to remember and give people the benefit of the doubt. I know that I do. But you know, people rarely change their fundamental nature overnight. Some people do a really, really good job of hiding their fundamental nature, of, of hiding their identity. And then when, when things actually come up, you know, those things, those patterns begin to emerge and give us more clues and insights to their authentic, their real identity. So instead of brushing it off or hoping for the best, we have to pay attention and believe what we see in the people around us. And by believing someone when they show up in those situations, we are actually protecting ourselves from potential heartache or disappointment. It really is about being true to ourselves and acknowledging when someone's behavior does not align with our values, or it makes us uncomfortable. When, you know, it's not just about, you know, negative traits. When someone consistently displays kindness, you know, when someone's generous and, and honest, we should believe that too. It's not just the negative. It's not just important to appreciate, you know, the positive, but it's also important to, you know, inform yourself on the behaviors of the negative. And so we want to appreciate these positive aspects of someone's character and build relationships based on that trust and that authenticity. And so I want to stress to you the importance of trusting your intuition, because our gut feelings are often spot on when it comes to understanding someone's true identity. Our gut, you know, it gives us— you know, I always call it your check engine lights. And so if something feels off something probably is off. And if something feels like it's not in alignment with who you are and who they are, you know, believing that feeling and taking it seriously is a step that I want you to consider. So it's also important to note that it doesn't mean that we should completely write people off. You know, people make mistakes, people show negative behavior. I just want you to take it seriously and not just brush it off. And so people grow, people change. Sometimes they show genuine remorse and work towards becoming, you know, a different individual. They recognize that who they were in that moment does not reflect who they are in the long run, does not reflect— that was something that came up. You know what? And I'm the first person to say, absolutely, you know, I forgive you. You know, it's, hey, It's, it's not a problem, but in my mind, honestly, what I'm doing is re-categorizing. I'm recreating that relationship now. Instead of them being a 3-day person, instead of them being a 3-hour person, they may have dropped down to a 3-minute person because I'm someone who now takes that seriously. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. So I will recreate relationships in the moment, because it's all about— I, you know, you guys have heard me talk about it on the podcast a lot, that love and connection is one of my highest values, and I want to connect with people in an authentic and honest way. And when I give my time and I give conversation and, and, and there's no reciprocity and someone is not treating me in a way that fills my cup, then I'm no longer going to give them my time. So what's happening is we want to help people understand where they fit in our lives by teaching them how to treat us. And so it's essential that we establish these healthy boundaries. We assess whether their actions align with our values and our morals in life, right? And the things that we deem important. So ultimately, this whole concept is about empowering ourselves so that we're able to create healthier and more fulfilling relationships, more fulfilling conversations. And it's about recognizing our own self-worth and not settling for less than what we deserve. And so again, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Because we all are worthy of the best relationships. We all are worthy of the best life has to offer because it's our birthright. So the next time someone shows you who they are, whether it's through their actions, whether it's through their words, I want you to take a moment to reflect. Trust your instincts. Believe what you see or hear. And make choices that align with your values. So if honesty and integrity is important and that person is lying all the time, make the choice that aligns with your values. So remember, it's not about judging others, it's about understanding them and the impact that they have on your life. You are the most important person in this conversation, in this equation. So by believing people when they show you who they are, we can navigate our— all of our relationships with clarity, with intention, with a level of assurance that we have gathered the tribe that we really want around us. Okay, my peeps, that's what I have for you today. And so I hope you found this topic to be thought-provoking, to be interesting, and I hope that you are able to implement the things that I'm teaching you on, or the things that I'm sharing with you on this podcast. I thank you so much for listening, and we'll talk next week.