128. Are you an energy drainer? | Breakthrough

I'm Travia Steward, and I want to help you move past barriers and obstacles that are preventing you from getting what you want in life. This is Breakthrough. Yo, my peeps, happy Podcast Tuesday. As I'm recording this episode, it's a day after Memorial Day, and this episode is going to come out the second week in June. And I just wanted to take a moment and reflect on what that day means because, you know, growing up for me Memorial Day was like school's out. Yeah, baby. It's time for a barbecue. It's time to go gather, have a function, those types of things. But when you really, you know, think about the profound impact of Memorial Day and we sometimes lose what that day really is all about. It's about the sacrifices that were made by our brave men and women who gave their lives in service to our nation. And so I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on if, you know, you guys have loved ones who have been lost in battle, you know, and remind us all of the value of the freedoms that we enjoy and inspire us all to, you know, live with more intention and more purpose and be a little bit more mindful of the things that make this country great. And, you know, in some way, the things that could be taken away from us. And so I just wanted to spend just a moment on that before I dive deep into the topic today. So today what I wanna talk about is, are you the energy drain in your relationships? I'm talking about your romantic relationships, your friendships, you know, relationships at work, all those things. And so sometimes it can be uncomfortable to do that self-check, to check in with yourself and go, am I an energy drainer or do I feel other people's cup where they want to hang out with me. And so we, you know, no one's perfect and we're all a work in progress. And so we just want to provide a healthy dose of self-reflection, you know, even a little bit of compassion if we need it. And so the first thing that I want to talk about is if you are an energy drainer, right? What is it that you bring to relationships? So I want you to think about a couple of things, right? We're gonna talk about doing a little bit of an energy audit. So when you are with other people, do you find yourself constantly leaving other people feeling exhausted? Do you feel exhausted and drained or even depleted you know, after people spend time with you, after you spend time with them. And so are you or other people in your life the equivalent of a black hole for positive vibes, where positive vibes go to die, right? And so we know that we've all been there at some point, that, you know, there are moments where life can be tough. You know, a couple weeks ago I did a podcast episode on it's okay to feel shitty sometimes. But is this a consistent pattern where other people lose energy after interacting with you? And so I really wanted to explore that today. So let's talk quickly about what are some signs that we can do as a bit of a self-reflection and an audit of who we're being and how we're showing up in relationships. So sign number one, Do you constantly complain and focus on the negative in different situations? Like, you always find yourself seeing the glass half empty, constantly, you know, venting about all the problems in your life and rarely acknowledging the positive aspects in your life, you know? And so this negativity can be contagious and it wears people down. You know, sign number 2, are you someone who relies heavily on others for emotional support? Like where you seek support from, from other people, from your friends, your loved ones, which is normal and healthy, of course. But however, are you the one constantly relying on others to fix your problems and manage your emotions and never really reciprocating anything back for the other person? And so when we talk about relying on others for emotional support, you know, people sometimes, you know, get tired of that. It's like, oh my goodness, I see the number coming up on the phone. I'm not gonna answer right now because I'm not in the mood to, you know, go down in the gutter. I'm feeling good right now. I don't wanna talk to so-and-so because all they wanna do is, you know, bring up negative stuff. And then sign number 3, Maybe you're someone who struggles with boundaries, where you find it hard to say no or assert your own needs and preferences. And so constantly prioritizing others at the expense of your own wellbeing, you know, it leads to resentment, it leads to burnout. And so that's one of the things that I have gotten so much better at because I used to be a people pleaser. I used to be someone who wanted to say yes every time someone invited me. Telling you something. And it wasn't until I learned how to go, you know what, I need to do an energy audit to figure out where do these people fit in my life. It doesn't mean that, you know, I automatically cut people off. It just means that I know that for some people, they're only 3-minute people, because in 3 minutes I can get a little bit of my cup filled and where I'm not going to be sucked down into a black hole, where we're not going to go down negative alleyway of 3 hours of conversation of where again, I turn and say, I cannot get that time back. And so I've learned to basically draw clear boundaries. And if I don't feel like this is a place I wanna go, like we get invited to Memorial Day parties, we get invited to Christmas parties, go out and have a drink or whatever. And if I genuinely feel like I am not going to leave that outing better than I arrived, then I will say no. Because I know myself so well now that using the word no when I know that someone's not going to fill my cup and someone's not gonna drain me is, is, is a place I don't wanna be. I don't want to be in conversation where somebody's just talking negative all the time. And you know, it's, It's the people that you can kind of tell, like, they always have just like this resting, you know, bitch face. And you can just tell by the look on their faces that they're just not happy. And sometimes I find myself, you know, trying harder, you know, working overdrive, you know, to get that person in a better mood. And I'm like, holy shit, I'm worn out. And so that's where aligning and, and defining where my boundaries lie, that has helped me probably more than anything. Sign number 4 to know if you are the energy drainer in your relationships, friendships, at work: do you play the victim? Do you frequently find yourself blaming others for your circumstances and always feel like people did this, people need to say I'm sorry, you know, because no one can ever make us feel a way that we don't give them permission to.. And that's what I mean about keeping your power, you know, not giving your power away. And so we find, you know, ourselves playing the victim when we don't take responsibility for our own happiness and choices. It's, it's like we give, you know, people our thermostat, like the thermostat in your house. It's like, here you go, you have permission to take me off. And so they take that thermostat, turn it up to red, to the hot, you know, bringing the heater on. And we're here in Arizona where it's almost 100 degrees and now someone has pissed you off and turned your thermostat up to where, you know, it's 180 now because we have given our power away to them and continue to play the victim, which is so draining, right? And to be honest, it also pushes people away. If you're someone who's always looking for someone else to fix you, someone else to always say they're sorry for this thing that happened, you know, 30 years ago, then you're an energy drainer. And so number 5, if you don't have any type of self-care routine where you fill your cup first, then it's hard to go out there with a full cup because you're pouring from an empty glass most of the time. And so if you don't have a self-care routine where, you know, maybe you get up, make sure you're— you hit homeostasis, make sure, you know, every person you're going to interact with, are you going to be presenting your best self? Or maybe you just really want to be a shitty self, and if that's what you're proud of being, then 100% you be that. But for someone like that in my life, I don't want to be around that person. I don't want to constantly go, I'm feeling, man, I'm a 9 today, and then I'm gonna go hang out with Mary Jane, and Mary Jane is a Negative Nancy, and now I'm leaving and I feel so effing sad and depressed because we just, you know, Mary Jane just bitched and complained the entire time. And so I do my best to redirect those conversations, but sometimes it's just a matter of going, you know what, I'm just not going to give that person my time anymore because I don't want to be drained. And so it's very important for me to balance my energy. Like, I love to feel good, I love to impact relationship and people, you know, and I want to be that positive impact in someone's life. So I know the importance of taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, so that I can help fill people's cups and people want to hang out with me. So if you are someone who's not taking care of yourself, that impacts your relationships, that impacts how you show up. That impacts your level of happiness, and it impacts whether or not you're able to give back the things that you're seeking in other people, like in your friendships, other work. You know, if someone— you're always going to the same person, they're always listening, but you're never really there for them, you're an energy drainer. Okay, so the purpose of this was not to beat up on anyone. But everything that we do here, everything that, that we talk about on the podcast is about helping you to become, helping me to become my best self, the best version of me, where when I show up, it's with intention. When I show up, I empower and inspire other people. And so I want to help you bring awareness and encourage even more personal growth, you know, because we're all on this journey of, of becoming the best version of ourselves. And so your call to action today is just take a moment for self-reflection. Consider the patterns in your relationships. Consider the things that you talk about when you hang out with your friends, the things that you talk about at work. Are you consistently going to the same people and never reciprocating back? And so just start one, you know, one thing at a time. Who are the people in your life that drain you? What would they say about you? Where are the places that you go that drain you? What are the activities, the habits, the rituals? Everything about life and, and becoming the best version of ourselves, we want to fill our cup and be the best that we can be so that we can show up with intention in a way that we want to show up. So consider the patterns in your relationships, consider the patterns that you continually fall into, and ask yourself, am I the energy drainer in my relationships? And then identify the areas where you can make positive changes and just start small. Be patient with yourself because this transformational journey we're on is a lifelong process, and it's never too late to become a different person in all of your relationships. All right, my peeps. So I just want to remind you about the quiz that I talked about, I think last week, uh, discover what's holding you back from the life that you really want. Go to my website, traviestewart.com, take the quiz and get some answers that could jumpstart your reinvention, because I am here to help you reinvent yourself to become the person your goals require. All right, my peeps, take care. Have a most beautiful week. See you next week.