145. Conflicting values in your relationship

I'm Travia Steward. I want to help you move past barriers and obstacles that are preventing you from getting what you want in life. This is Breakthrough. Yo, what's up, my peeps? Happy Podcast Tuesday! So I hope you, you all are doing Fantastic. I wish there was a way that I could check in with you, you know, like, "How you doing today?" You know, high-five you, that kind of thing. But I would like to think, and it helps me honestly stay motivated, that I feel like I'm talking to one person at a time, and I feel like I'm having a conversation with one person at a time. So I hope you're feeling good. I hope you're having a fantastic week. On this Podcast Tuesday, October 10th. So today, today what I'm diving into is a topic that is a bit of a continuation from last week's about values and are your values your values, you know, actually your values. And so today I want to talk about what happens when you actually have conflicting values in your relationships, like with your significant other, because so many times, you know, when you, when many people are in the dating phase of their relationships, unless you have been around the block before, unless, you know, you have been told to do these things, most people don't know to do this. But one of the things that's important to do is to align— well, before you align, but to share what your— the most important things are to you. What are your values? Because sometimes we get into relationships with other people and we're like, you know, the chemistry is really, really great. They communicate really, really well. You know, we're compatible. Those are the 3 C's, right? But what happens if you have conflicting values? And so this warrants, and it's worth a great conversation to know early on, you know? And so I want to talk about this issue because this can stir up some pretty intense emotions. It can raise some tough questions, especially if it's something that, that you haven't talked about. In the very, very beginning. And we don't want to wait until, oh, we're in love, we've set a date, oh, we're married with kids, and now the secret, the elephant in the room, really comes out. And now we're like, uh-oh, what do we do now? Are we too far gone? And so as I dive into it, I want to talk about, you know, there's so many times when we think all that matters is love. You know, love is blind. And to some extent that can be true for some people. But what happens when that freshness wears off? When, you know, it's like, let's look at the day-to-day now. Because when you first fall in love with someone, everything seems perfect. Again, you, oh, they're so good to talk to. You know, we have, you know, uh, hot chemistry. You know, we can't keep our hands off of each other. We're compatible. You know, because we, we sorta, you know, we're raised in the same area, whatever that looks like for you as far as compatibility. And so, you know, in the very beginning we have those butterflies in our stomach and we just can't imagine a future without that special someone by your side. Oh my, I see you in my life for the rest of your life. But as time goes on and the honeymoon phase fades and, you know, it's, it's less intense, it's less exciting. That's when, if you haven't done this work before, that you start to notice that there's some differences in your values and what is really important to you and what makes life really worth living to you. That could be different from your partner. Now, these differences, you know, they can manifest in various ways. You know, it could start off with disagreements on day-to-day decisions, you know, simple stuff as, you know, clashing on where and when to put the dishes, right? Or it could be big life choices, you know, like where, how are we going to raise our kids? You know, if there are kids involved, you know, it could be something as mundane as how you spend your weekends, you know, because you might have some things that you want to do and your partner's like, no, I thought my weekends were just, you know, for me, you know, whatever that is. Or it could really have something to do with their outlook on family, religion, even politics. And I've known, you know, personally some relationships that ended over political differences because this was a conversation that these people didn't have, you know, when everything was good, when they first started out, and then the political differences really surface. You know, and then also in that picture are finances. If we are not aligned and one person doesn't go to the other side, this also can cause some very, very conflicting problems in a, in a relationship, in a marriage. So I want you to think about, picture this, right? This story, you know, it's a couple, they're deeply in love and we're gonna call them Alex and Sarah, right? Sarah is a devout follower of her faith. She is a Christian. She goes to church, you know, every Sunday regularly. Sometimes she throws in a Wednesday. She participates in, you know, community events. And so basically her faith is probably the most important thing to her. Alex, on the other hand, is a staunch atheist. Now these are probably the two most extreme you know, opposite ends of the spectrum, but, you know, Alex believes in reason. Alex believes in science. Alex has a secular worldview. Alex doesn't get on his knees and pray for things. And in the beginning, you know, you know, we can blow those things off and go, this may not be a big deal. We love each other and we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it because we respect each other's differences. As just being different. But as time goes on, Alex and Sarah began to realize that their values were starting to clash in significant ways. Well, you see, Sarah wanted to raise her children in the church while Alex felt uncomfortable with the idea of religious education. They started to have debates. They were fighting on whether or not to go to church on Wednesday when, you know, their kid wanted to go to soccer practice, you know, and Sarah wanted them to go to church and And then what also begins to surface is, what do we do when we spend time over the holidays? Let's say it's Thanksgiving and, you know, we've decided— we as in Alex and Sarah— have decided that they're going over to Sarah's family and Sarah's family prays before they eat. Everybody, you know, circles up and holds hands and everybody prays. Well, Alex is an atheist and Alex's probably done these things. He's probably closed his eyes, held hands for the first couple of years, but now he's like, you know what, I'm feeling some kind of way about this because this does not align with my beliefs. And so what does that look like when you go over to Alex's side of the family, who they're not Christians, they don't pray? And so where do you draw the line as far as Is this always going to be a huge place of differences in our lives? Because now we're beginning to look at what is the emotional toll? What is the emotional toll? Because we have huge conflicting values. And so one of the things I wanna talk about is the emotional, the emotional significant, you know, fallout from having these conflicting, these values. So the emotional toll that it can take on your relationship. And so it can feel like you're constantly at odds with each other. Every disagreement, no matter if you're talking about the dishes or putting gas in the car, no matter how small, can turn into a battle of principles, which turns out to be just exhausting. And then we put that problem up on the shelf. We're not gonna talk about it. And then one day, you know, we keep piling and piling and putting things on the shelf and that shelf falls down and then it all comes out. You know, and when we feel like we can't talk about it, this leads to resentment over time. If your values clash too often, you'll— it's possible you can find yourself harboring feelings of frustration, anger towards your partner. And remember those times when you were so in love, but now we're harboring frustration and anger? You might even start to question whether you're truly compatible. Remember, the chemistry was great. You know, we talk so well with each other, but now we have this big religious difference. And now you're wondering if your relationship can withstand these differences. And so the challenge becomes, do we compromise? Do we compromise something that's very, very important? Or do we acquiesce? Do we stand firm? Because we all know that in relationships and healthy relationships, Compromise is essential, but guys, when your values don't align, it even then it can be challenging to find compromise and that middle ground, because this can lead one or even both parties feeling like they've given up a part of themselves and who they believe themselves to be. And that's when the resentment builds up. You know, we, we, we keep things to ourselves and then we go outside possibly to find ways to, you know, connect with that, that part of our lives again. And so conflicting values, it can lead to emotional disconnection where we feel like we're growing apart emotionally. We used to connect deeply, but now we feel like we're drifting apart because we can't talk about everything anymore. You know, sometimes it leads to frequent arguments. You know, you find yourself arguing over the same issue repeatedly, and then we leave things unresolved. We can't find a resolution, a solution to it. So we just go, well, let's just agree to disagree. And then it begins again. You sacrifice who you are, your authenticity, what is really, really important to you. You sacrifice your true self or your true beliefs to avoid those conflicts. And so I want you to think about all the things that I've said today, because we've spent some time, the last 10 minutes or so, exploring how often challenging conflicting values within a relationship can be. And Even if it's something like, you know, the big elephant in the room, religion, you know, what if it's a political difference? You know, what if, you know, one person's a Democrat and the other person's a Republican? How do you manage that? What if one person's active, the other person is a homebody, and then the other person who's active is doing all these physical feats going all around the world? And I'm not saying that, you you and your partner have to do every single thing together, but I know for me, it's important that the things that bring me value also is valuable to Shelly. Now we don't completely 100% align with our values because some things are in different, different order. But one of the things that's important to both of us is that where we spend our free time, our weekends, Those things align. And you guys hear me talk about pickleball all the time, right? And we love to go out and play pickleball. We, you know, there, there, there's lots of things that we talk about that we have talked about from day one, that we know we have alignment with these values. We know these things are important. And so I want you to think about your relationship, whether it's You have differing beliefs about religion, your financial priorities, you know, maybe environmental concerns, you know, some things that you were raised with, you know, growing up with your family. And are these differences significantly impacting your relationship? And so as challenging as they may be, they don't have to end the relationship, but you do need to talk about it. You do need to find common ground. And if you can't find common ground, then maybe it's time to seek a therapist, you know, seek a coach who can help you find common ground. If you want to do all there can— all you can do to save the relationship, this can be an opportunity for growth, for understanding, for compromise. But first of all, identifying the signs of conflicting values, like frequent arguments, emotional distance between one another, we're, we're, we're putting things on the shelf. And then we're just not talking about all the things we used to talk about. We have unresolved disagreements. Can be the first step towards you noticing and addressing these issues. So the question that I wanna leave you with as I end this conflicting values in a relationship episode, how can you and your partner turn your differing values into an opportunity for a stronger, more resilient, and more understanding aligned relationship. All right, my peeps. I would love to know if what I talked about today resonated with you in any way. Just shoot me an email at travia@traviasteward.com, and I would love to start a dialogue with you. All right. I hope you're having a most fantastic day, whatever day you are listening to this podcast. And finding value. And if you're finding value, I would love it if you could share with someone else who you think could find value. Maybe you have a buddy, a friend who is like, oh my God, she is talking about my two best friends and they need to hear this, this episode. So I would appreciate it if you would share it with someone else you can, who you believe will find value. All right, my peeps, have a most beautiful rest of your week and we'll talk again next week.