In this episode of the Breakthrough podcast, host Travia Steward addresses listeners who are navigating the emotional aftermath of a divorce or breakup. She begins by acknowledging how such separations can feel like a loss of a lifelong partner and a shattering of the future "blueprint" many people have built for themselves. Rather than offering quick fixes, Travia gives permission to sit with the discomfort, grief, and confusion that accompany the end of a relationship. She explains that the pain is natural, that people often replay the past and wonder what could have been done differently, and that this rumination can keep them stuck. Travia introduces the concept of a personal "blueprint"—the imagined ideal life formed in early adulthood—and shows how its disruption can lead to feelings of directionlessness. She recommends a process of fully feeling and processing emotions: writing down painful thoughts, challenging their truth, and physically discarding them (e.g., burning the paper). This practice aims to move listeners toward a neutral emotional state where they no longer ruminate on the past. She then encourages listeners to reflect on what they have learned from the relationship, how they have grown, and what small, self‑loving actions they can take to begin rebuilding their identity outside of the partnership. Throughout, Travia emphasizes that healing is personal, takes its own time, and that it’s okay to feel stuck, heartbroken, or uncertain. She ends with a reflective question prompting listeners to identify one small step they can take today toward self‑love and personal growth, reinforcing that they can eventually move forward into healthier future relationships.
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I'm Travia Steward. I want to help you move past barriers and obstacles that are preventing you from getting what you want in life. This is Breakthrough. What's up, what's up, my peeps? Happy Podcast Tuesday. As I shared with you a few weeks ago, I always like to imagine with these podcast episodes that I am talking to one person. And if I can help one person with each episode, that's my job. That's what I'm here to do, helping one person at a time. So today I'm going to talk about something that, you know, I haven't gone through personally myself, but I have clients who have. And I would say Divorce is something that, you know, when you feel like you were meant to be with this one person forever, divorce or a breakup is something that can really, really take the wind out of you. And so today I wanna talk about this very challenging and emotionally charged experience is like when we feel stuck after a divorce or a breakup, to me, they're the same because they're, you know, not everybody needs a piece of paper to go, you know, we are married, we're official. There's some people who never get married, but that breakup is just as devastating when, you know, there wasn't a marriage, a piece of paper, witnesses, and all that stuff. And so this goes for both a divorce or a breakup. And so we're going to talk about the breakup and, you know, after you've given your heart, you've given yourself to someone, and this is a life-altering event because once it's like it, you know, you're left with feeling abandoned, you're left with feeling alone. And then we're standing still in a world that feels like keeps moving forward. And it's like you being trapped in like this never-ending circle or cycle of uncertainty. And there's a lot of regret and heartache, right? What could I have done differently? What could I have done better? And then we go back and we replay, you know, all the years that we were together, and then we go I remember at this point when we stopped watching this show together. I remember this point when sex became, instead of once a week, it became once a month. And then we want to go back and go, if I could just take it all back, if I could go back when I, you know, thinking right now today and change that, you know, 8 years ago, 4 years ago, 2 years ago. And that, that ruminating on it, that thinking about it just adds more heartache and regret because we can't ever go back into the past and redo something. But today, what I want to talk about is exploring that feeling of being stuck and feeling like you're held captive by the past, by wanting to go back and fix things that we can't. And, and it's totally fine that we feel that way. And so today I'm not going to offer any solutions or quick fixes because it's natural for us all to want to fix things when we're stuck. It's natural for us all to want to go, oh, let's go and Google the answer. Let's go and listen to, you know, this, this audiobook. Let's go and let's go to therapy and How can we get ourselves out of this situation? And we search for solutions, we look for ways to move forward, and then we're told to just get over it, just, you know, go on with your life. But today I want to give you permission to not, and I want to give you permission to sit with the discomfort, sit in the pain and the confusion that follows a breakup or a divorce. Because there's so many different emotions and circumstances and decisions. And this is a process that, that shatters not just your relationship, your partnership, but it shatters the vision of the future that you once held, right? And then we're like, oh my goodness, I'm directionless. And one of the things that you you know, that I talk about is when we're talking about you feel upended, because we all have what's called a blueprint. And our blueprint in life is, you know, we start developing this, this idea of life, of what our perfect life will look like. And we start developing that blueprint somewhere around our teenage years, early 20s, you know. And then for some people, you know, it may look like I'm getting married to, so, to, you know, a woman like this, a man like this, and I'm gonna have only one child, and I'm gonna have a dog, and I'm gonna drive a Lamborghini, whatever that thing is. And I'm gonna be married to that one person because I don't know anyone who dreams, I'm gonna get married 7 times because that's how my blueprint works. It may be possible, but I don't know anyone who has ever thought of that. But we have this blueprint, and when something happens that just shifts that that, that story, that blueprint, that, you know, that, that view of the future that we thought was so perfect, that can, you know, lead to feeling stuck and stifled. And I don't know what to do next. And how can I do anything but go back and go, how could I have done things differently? How could I have gone back, you know, 2 years ago and take that all back and just be different so I can have a different result today? And so the most important thing is if you are someone just getting out of a breakup, just getting out of, you know, just going through a divorce and maybe the divorce isn't even final, but it's been, you know, a little while. And right now I'm just asking you to give yourself time to process the feelings. Now I'm not someone who believes that time is like a year, 8 months. But everybody's time is different. And so giving yourself time to process your feelings, to feel those feelings, because I believe that once you fully process, you fully go to the most, you know, disheartening thoughts about why you think it happened, write those things down and prove them. To be untrue. Go burn it up in the yard. You know, if you think, I don't deserve better, I don't deserve to have a man like that, a woman like that, you know, we wanna process those emotions. And once you write 'em down, get rid of it. And so feeling stuck after a divorce is like, again, what do I do next? And so without just replaying the past and thinking about what we could have done differently and how things would be so different, It's like we want and need to grieve that loss because at that moment, the life you once knew, we once knew, is no longer existing. That life is gone. And then you're left with fragments of your blueprint, fragments of the life that you thought was perfect. And maybe some of you didn't think it was perfect, but you didn't think it would lead to a breakup. And it's totally okay to feel that way. It's okay to feel stuck. And even when people expect us to swiftly move on and find happiness again, the truth is this healing is a deep personal journey, again, and it unfolds at its own pace. So you may not be someone ready to take steps forward, and that's all right. That's okay today. Because who you believed yourself to be is completely disrupted, right? You might have been up, you know, married or in this, this relationship for so long that you have no idea who you are without that person next to you, without doing everything with that person. And it's like a piece of your soul, piece of your identity has just been ripped away. And now you're asking yourself, well, what do I do now? Who am I now? You know, I'm nobody without this life that I dreamed, that I really thought was my future, was my blueprint. And so this isn't just about the end of a relationship, it's about the end of a dream, it's about the end of shared plans. It's about the end of a life that you thought you had and you thought maybe that you loved. And it's about mourning, not just that person, but your entire future. And so there can be, out of a breakup, there can be, you know, financial struggles. We sometimes have housing uncertainties, logistical challenges, like if there are kids involved. And so all of these things can keep us, you know, attached to the past. And so today, as I talk about exploring this, this situation without offering any solutions today, sometimes because we just need to sit in the discomfort and acknowledge the pain, because we don't always want to quickly rush to fix something. No, what I do recommend is processing your feelings, processing them fully, sitting with that to where the next time you think about that situation, it doesn't hurt as much. Getting to a point of, I no longer feel like I need to go back and ruminate on what I did, why I didn't do it, and what happened in the past. All I'm asking you to do today is process your emotions and get to a neutral point where you're no longer regretting something that happened in the past, because the past is what it is. And if you can get to a point of going, you know what, this relationship, this was a season, this is what I learned from it, this helped me to become the person I am today. Now, this may not be something that you're able to wrap your mind around today. Maybe in a month, maybe in 2 weeks, maybe in 6 months, whatever that is. But process your emotions, get yourself to that neutral place where you are now looking at all the things that helped you to become the strong person that you are looking to become? What are all the things that you learned from that relationship that you're probably not going to repeat? What are all the ways that you grew into who you are becoming that's going to make for your next relationship so much better? Because now you have a view of things that, you know what, I have this view of how things could be different. I have this view of who I am in this relationship. And then for some people, it's a matter of finding that identity of who you are outside of that relationship. And so all I'm asking you to do is process your emotions. Get to a neutral place to where you can now begin to go, okay, I'm ready for the next step, whatever that is. So the question I want to leave you with today is— before the question is just remembering that it's okay to feel the way you feel today. You don't ever have to apologize for feeling stuck, for feeling heartbroken, and it's okay to take your time. So the question that I want you to ask yourself today, in the midst of feeling disheartened and stuck, what is one small step that you can take today to gently get yourself to that neutral place, to gently begin to find who you are again. I'm not talking about stepping into another relationship. I'm not talking about going on Tinder or whatever the things are. I'm talking about getting to a place where you're like, how can I begin to love myself by myself? And that may take time, but taking one small action will inch you closer to the person that you're aspiring to be, to the person who's gonna be better in the next relationship. So, all right, my peeps, I know this was not like really like one of my uplifting episodes, but this was really, really near and dear to my heart because one of my closest friends is going through this situation and my heart bleeds for her and I wanna help her go through this. And, you know, and I know that she's not the only one. She is not the only one. I myself have been completely heartbroken in my life and didn't think that I would ever be able to get through it. But you know what? That was years ago. And obviously I got through it. So I got through it. Other people that you know get through it and you will get through it too. All right, my peeps, have a most beautiful rest of your week. And we'll talk again next week.
