148. Moving on from divorce and breakup | Breakthrough: The Gen X Podcast for Becoming the best YOU

I'm Travia Steward. I want to help you move past barriers and obstacles that are preventing you from getting what you want in life. This is Breakthrough. What's up, my peeps? Happy Podcast Tuesday. It's Halloween time. There used to be a commercial on the radio that, that was the advertisement. It's Halloween time, and I love that commercial. So Anyway, happy Halloween. If you know, those of you who celebrate Halloween, I know some people, real people in my life, they're like, Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday of the year. Now, my absolute favorite holiday is Christmas. So Halloween, eh, I don't do much, you know, for Halloween. Like, as a matter of fact, like a friend of ours used to have Halloween parties and then we would dress up for Halloween, but that was really because she and her husband went out. They had this party, they had these fancy costumes, and so it was almost like you felt out of place if you didn't come in some kind of costume. But now we have, Shelly and I live on a cul-de-sac, and so for Halloween, our neighbors actually have a Halloween party, and I'm telling you, these peeps go all the way. Like right now they have these big old— it looks like, oh man, like 16, 12 to 16 feet, you know, skeletons, you know, like, like they put it on their roof. They've got all these things. They go all out. And so there's some people on our block that, you know, they really do it. They really— these guys, this house at the end of the block, they set the standard, the entire family. Like it's, it's the husband and the wife and they 3 kids, and they always do like a family theme. Like last year they were The Addams Family. It was so cool. So anyway, but I appreciate Halloween, but I don't love Halloween like they love Halloween. All right, my peeps, let's get down to business about what today's podcast episode is about. And so last week, you know, we talked about kind of sitting in it, you know, sitting in the, the grieving and the mourning of a breakup, of divorce, you know, all those things. And so I didn't give you any action steps last week. And so I hope you didn't think I was going to leave you hanging like that, but I wanted to take a moment and separate out, you know, that episode from this episode, because no matter if you have recently experience like the end of a relationship, like a divorce or a breakup. Or maybe you're here to support someone, like I'm supporting someone through a divorce right now. This episode is about finding the strength to even be open up— be open to the possibility of possibilities and new beginnings. And it's about rediscovering, you know, You know, if you are the person, your own identity, you know, charting a course for a brighter future. And I'm not talking about just jumping into a relationship right now, you know, because we all know that letting go, it, it isn't easy, especially when that person meant so much to you, especially when they were a part of your blueprint. You know, it can be, you know, full of heartache like we talked about, confusion. It can also be an opportunity for self-discovery, for you learning all the things that you had forgotten about, you know. And so it's an opportunity for growth. It's an opportunity to, it's like, prove and show and demonstrate how resilient you are and can be. But it's also a chance to redefine what love and happiness in a relationship and self-worth really mean to you. So if you're ready to explore, you know, moving forward after you turn the page on one chapter and turn the page to start a new one. You know, maybe you just need a reassuring voice to guide you. Maybe you just, you know, right now picture me as the friend who is, you know, guiding you, holding your hand through this process, and cheering you on the whole way that you have got this. You can do this. And you know, I want this episode to be something that maybe you can go back to when you're doubting yourself. And so I know that, you know, I, you know, lots of people have been broken up with. I've been broken up with. I have, you know, felt betrayed. You may be in a place where you're feeling betrayed on every level. You're feeling like you can't trust, you can't love again. And one of the big things is your blueprint has been altered. And when I talk about blueprint, this is like, you know, generally we start forming our blueprint sometime in our teenage years, late teenage, early 20s. And it's kind of like what you imagine your life would be. And so when you're at that age, you're like, oh, you know, I'm going to have, you know, this car, that car, this kind of house. I'm gonna live in the Northwest or the Southeast, whatever. I'm gonna be married and love, and we're gonna have picket fence, we all have this blueprint. And I don't know anyone who, you know, has a blueprint and I'm gonna get married 8 times. I'm gonna get married 3 times. Our blueprint is generally, I know for most people and for me, is to fall in love one time, get married and be with that person for the rest of your life. But you know what? Things don't always happen like that. And so that's when we, you know, We have to alter our blueprint. And even as we begin to question and re-question, you know, there are things we wanna keep having conversations with the people. We wanna, you know, keep talking to 'em because sometimes when you really, really love that person, it's hard to think about going to the next chapter. It's hard to think about closure. You know, you feel like, you know, talking about it and talking about it will just help you feel better and you just wanna keep talking about it. And I believe that that is all good. And you talk about it and talk about until there's nothing else left to say, because we get to a point to where we just keep rehatching the same thing. And we're just, it's kind of like, you know, you're in a car and you're just doing donuts in the parking lot, very, very slow donuts in the parking lot. And the slow donuts in the parking lot is your time to mourn. It's your time to get it all out. It's your time to grieve that relationship. And we do all know that this takes time. But when you're finished grieving and mourning, you'll get to the point of recognizing one day you'll look up and go, I am so much better off right now. Now, now that it may take you a few months, it might take a year or so to get there, but there will be a day where you Recognize because you were the person who were left, who was left. You were the person who was cheated on. You were the person who was broken up with. And if you were not treated the way you know in your heart you deserve to be treated, coming from the best version of you, you are better off now because the other person wasn't willing to truly do the work. They weren't really willing to, to fix the things that were broken in the relationship. And in a relationship, you can't do the work alone. But this isn't about rehatching all this stuff. This is actually about moving forward and getting to a point where you are grateful for the revelations that surface. You are grateful for all of the things that you were able to find out about that person. You know, it's all about the lessons that you learn that you will take into your next relationship, things that you will do differently, you know, things that you will not repeat. And, you know, this could look like maybe it's creating new rules for when you bring things up. You know, we're not gonna just sweep things under the rug. It can be, you know, speaking up for something that you really, really want. Your standards will be higher. Because you're no longer going to accept the average mediocrity. And I firmly believe that when you enter into the next chapter, especially when you're ready to begin to find love, you have a, a different philosophy of what love is. And that doesn't mean that you get to a point you're like, I'm never going to open my heart to anyone else. You love differently. You love more intentionally. And when you're being intentional and when you are consciously creating the relationship, you're consciously creating who you are in that relationship, you are able to, you know, if any red flags are coming up, we don't wanna just keep collecting red flags and putting them up on the shelf. In the next chapter, you can head these things off at the path because experience is now on your side. This next chapter is also about creating different results, right? Because we're setting different standards. We have, you know, we're lining up our values, you know, with the person that, you know, we wanna be with in the next relationship. We're lining up our values without that person. We're lining up our values about what's important to us right now. What's important to you? Because maybe there was a point in the relationship, maybe for most of the relationship, You put all your apples in that basket and you lost who you were. And this is a time to get back and figure out who you really are, what you like, what you enjoy. How do you spend time by yourself? And the, the, the real healing takes place in the moments, honestly, I believe, when you're by yourself. And when you can spend time and enjoy being by yourself, doing the things that you really want to do— and sometimes that's curling up on the couch reading a, a good book, sometimes it's catching up on your Netflix show, sometimes it's just having a glass of wine on the patio next to the pool, whatever that thing is— but enjoying the company of one, enjoying a table for one of you, where you get to a point where you enjoy being you and being with you. And so I want you to begin now thinking, what are the thoughts that you now will begin to transition out of thinking? Because we were thinking in the past, because we were thinking from grieving and mourning, because we— there, you know, the thought model is we have thoughts that create our feelings. Our feelings motivate or demotivate our actions, which produces the results that we have. And so if you stay in the pits of not feeling good enough, which just makes you feel shittier and shittier, you know, that's gonna keep you having thoughts of feeling shitty and then not taking actions to create your next chapter. And then you're gonna still just be doing donuts in the parking lot. And what I want you to think about when you begin to shift this thinking and shift the thoughts that you now really wanna believe about yourself, because who wants to believe that they're terrible? Who wants to believe that they're not good enough? Who wants to believe that they're not worthy? Who wants to believe that, you know, this new person is better than they are? We don't wanna pick the scabs of doing those things to ourselves. So don't do that to yourself because honestly, when you were the person who was cheated on, who was divorced, who was broken up with, and especially if it was, you know, behind some behavior that was, you know, you're like, I don't even recognize this person. I had no idea they would do that. I'm not talking about like these amicable, amicable, you know, divorces or breakups or whatever. I'm talking about when you feel betrayed, the behavior of that partner has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with if you're good enough. Nothing to do with if you're lovable. And so it has everything to do with you now going on a journey of healing, creating the thoughts that you really want to think for future you so that you can feel the way you want to feel for future you. Therefore, you're able to take the actions and get different results, and you leave that parking lot from doing donuts in it, right? And you have to get to the point of knowing that when you're the one cheated on or broken up with, it was not your fault. Even if it's like, well, you know, you, you stopped, you know, loving me. We stopped having sex. We stopped talking. It takes two. So it's not your fault. It's not your place to take all of the blame. So tell yourself in those moments when you sit there and you ruminate on what could I have done better? What could I have done differently? What could I have changed? It's not your fault. And we don't wanna keep looking back in the past because that's why it's in the past. And we wanna get to a point where you are no longer judging yourself as inadequate or unworthy. And in changing those thought patterns and that thought model, forgive yourself. You know, when you say, you know, I'm just not as good as, you know, even if you see them with someone else, And you're thinking, oh my goodness, you know, she's smaller, she's thinner, she's, you know, she's got more muscles, whatever the thing is. You get to a point of going, I'm feeling inadequate. I'm feeling unworthy. You have to forgive yourself and stop judging yourself. And one of the things I learned from Byron Katie is I forgive myself for judging myself as inadequate. I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy. One of the things that, you know, we have these default sentences, we have these thoughts that we carry around like luggage in a suitcase, and it's like we pack on all the evidence. See, that's why I'm not worthy. You see, that's why, you know, so-and-so is better. Catch those judgments and start ripping them out because they're weeds in your flower garden. And we know what happens when weeds begin to take over flowers and roses. Before you look, you have all weeds, because wherever you— your attention goes, it— your focus expands on the thing. So if you're just talking, looking at weeds in the garden, those weeds are going to multiply, and all you're going to see are more weeds. So if you or someone moving on from a divorce or a breakup, and maybe you were someone who put all your apples in that one basket. You're like, this is the only relationship, I don't need any friends, I don't need such and such. It's never too late to create new friendships. It's never too late to create new relationships, new, you know, people to lean on, people to communicate with, people to talk to, people to hang out with. It's never too late to create a new relationship with you. So that you are a better version in your next relationship. And so even if you have to tweak your blueprint, this takes courage to move on. It takes courage to turn the page. It takes courage to put yourself out there again. And what we want to do is get to a point of omitting, leaving out, eliminating what you think others are thinking of you, because what you, what you think other people, what other people are saying about you is none of your business. And we want to just focus on the thoughts that create, that's creating the you you're becoming. You get ready to move on. We want to turn the page completely. We don't want to keep going back and smelling that old trash in the landfill. We don't want to go back to doing donuts in the parking lot because we never— and I love this, this quote from Steve Harvey: don't make a man tell you twice he doesn't want you. Don't make a woman tell you twice, she doesn't want you. And so when you're ready to fully turn that page, to fully step in to the greatest version of you in your bold new future, the first thing I want you to think about is know what you want when the time comes for your next relationship. Maybe it's even in your friendships. One of the things that, you know, my partner right now, she was broken up with, she was cheated on. And before I came along, you know, the one thing that she wanted was communication. And boy, did she get it right. I wanted to talk about everything, guys. You know, I love to talk. I will talk to everybody about anything. So when I came along, she got all the communication she ever needed. And sometimes she's like, you know, okay, can we communicate a little because I wanna talk about everything. And she's like, you know, we gonna talk about that too? I was like, yes, we're gonna talk about that too. I wanna talk about everything. I want there to be no secrets. I want there to be nothing swept under the rug. So think about what your must-have is, like your top choice. And you know, you do not pass go if that thing doesn't exist. Like don't talk yourself into it. Oh well, it'll come along. Oh well, no. You, if, if your number one must-have is not there, let them go, move on. And then number two, you have to get to a point where you allow the past to stay there because the past is the past for a reason. Then get to a point of where you can be so honest about every single thing that you're feeling. Get to a point of being honest about your feelings with yourself so that you can always feel free and openly share how you're feeling with other people. And then the last thing that I want you to do, and this is a little bit of homework for you, an exercise that I have used with some clients is rewriting your story, rewriting the main plot points of what happened in your breakup, in your divorce. But you're gonna write that story from your perspective with you as the hero. And so finding the things that you're proud of, finding those moments when you didn't think you could be as strong as you were or as resilient, or, you know, you found a gear, a level that you had no idea that you had, write it from that point of view and keep writing it and keep writing it until you're the hero until there's nothing left for you to feel bad about. Because in everything that you think about, every time you go back and think about the past, you are rewriting that story, those plot points, as the hero. And then what you're gonna do is practice that story. Practice it so much until you begin to believe it. And the hero of the story, that story that you're writing, will then replace all of those shitty memories that you keep reliving and reliving. All right, my peeps, I hope this episode is helping. I hope that you have and find the courage to move on, to open up your next chapter, because every single day is so precious. Life is precious, and every moment that we spend, that you spend looking back in the rearview mirror, looking back full of regret, or minutes, precious minutes, precious hours, days, weeks that you are losing out on your next best thing. Because I 100% believe that the best of your life is ahead of you, and you have to approach it that way. The best of your life is yet to come, and you create it because you were made for more and you deserve all the love that your heart really, really desires. All right, my peeps, have a fantastic rest of your week and we'll talk next week.