150. Breaking Through Imposter Syndrome | Breakthrough: The Gen X Podcast for Becoming the best YOU

I'm Travia Steward, and I want to help you move past barriers and obstacles that are preventing you from getting what you want in life. This is Breakthrough. What's up, my peeps? Today is Podcast Tuesday. The day this episode comes out is November 14th. So if you're catching it on the day that it drops, It's November 14th, and I'm technically recording this weeks before. And so actually what I'm hoping, I'm hoping that the weather is cool today because right now we're still, we're just below triple digit temperatures and it's October still. And so those of you who caught the episode last week know that I am currently probably doing some exercises, rehabbing. My little knee because I had a total knee replacement last week. And yeah, so that I can continue doing all the things that I want to do, strength training, pickleball, cycling, all the things that I want to do without pain. So today what I want to talk about is something that comes up in conversation. It comes up with, you know, one of the servers at our favorite You know, one of our favorite places here in Arizona, Arizona wilderness. It comes up in conversation with our friends. And this is what I'm talking— this, what I'm talking about is self-doubt and imposter syndrome, you know, and this is the feeling of not being good enough, or mainly like when you're feeling like a fraud, you know, and a lot of people, I know I grapple with this from point to point from, from, sometimes in my life. But whether you're a seasoned, you know, CEO or professional student, an artist, anybody in between, we all have the potential to suffer from imposter syndrome. You know, it can rear its head and, and make you doubt your own abilities in situations where you know you got this. And it's a nagging feeling that tells you that you don't belong in this situation, that you're not as capable as you think you are, even though you put in the reps, even though you've done the work to get in that room. And so today we're diving into all things imposter syndrome. And so when I think about what this means to me, this means like when I was ready to quit my teaching job and go full-time into my life coaching business, you know, I had the feeling like whenever somebody would ask me, you know, what is it that you're going to do next? And I would be like, I'm going to be a full-time life coach and speaker. And then there was an immediate feeling of, how dare I have this dream? How dare I do something that goes against the norm? Who am I to do this thing? And so when we talk about it, it's like, you know, where does this limited thinking come from? You know, how does imposter syndrome even happen? Well, we know that, you know, based on research, it's complex. Sometimes it's from societal pressures. It could be our own insecurities. It varies from person to person, you know, the psychology makeup of our own thinking. And so imposter syndrome really, you know, became common in 2010 at the start of Instagram because then we started seeing all these snapshots of people's lives and, you know, all the things. And, you know, we started comparing ourselves. And so when we look at the causes of imposter syndrome, again, it varies from person to person, but there are some contributing factors that have definitely been identified. You know, first we talk about changing, making changes and growing, because I believe, again, if you're not growing, you're dying like a flower. And as we push ourselves to grow and take on new challenges, we tend to feel like an imposter because we're stepping outside of our comfort zone. We're stepping outside of the familiar. And so there's this idea in society that, you know, success should come easily to those who are truly talented and truly capable of doing that thing. You know, sometimes we look at people like on TV, people in the movies, people on, you know, the Gram, and we assume that they're there because they're gifted. They're extra talented. They're, you know, they're incredibly intelligent. And then when we don't feel like we meet those impossible standards, that's when we, we start to doubt ourselves. Well, why am I doing it like so-and-so is doing it? Why am I not speaking? Why am I not performing like so-and-so is doing it? And so another thing is the constant compare, the constant comparison to others, especially in the age of social media. You know, with social media, sometimes I recognize in myself because just because I do this work doesn't mean I'm immune, you know, from it. I also, you know, have some, some instances of imposter syndrome that I actively go, oh, I see what's happening. Oh, I see what's working. And so sometimes I need to take myself off social media to like recalibrate and reset. And you know what? I do this for me so that I can come back to a neutral place and reset my standards and reset what and how I'm showing up. You know, because on Instagram and, you know, TikTok and all those things, we're usually surrounded by the highlight reels of other people's lives. And it's really easy to forget that these are normal people and we only are seeing just a fraction of the whole story. We're not seeing when, you know, they're crying in their Cheerios. We're not seeing when they can't pay their rent. We're not seeing when that car that they were, you know, bragging about on Instagram about, you know, their first million-dollar purchase, when it repossessed. We don't see those things, and we forget that those successful individuals likely face, you know, their own failures, their moments of doubt along the way. Because again, I believe that everybody has some aspect of this. And then the next thing is the fear of being exposed, because when we start to achieve even a little bit of success, I know that I have been terrified that someone discover I'm not as capable as they think I am, right? I have doubted myself as well. You probably have doubted yourself that you are going to be exposed. Someone was going to discover that you are not as good as you, you know, claim to be. And the fear of being exposed as a fraud, you know, for some people it leads to a constant state of anxiety, a constant state of second-guessing yourself. And so when it comes down to this, How does it show up? Of course, we know that it shows up, number one, as a form of self-doubt. This is classic because we constantly, with this, question our ability, our abilities, even when we have, you know, proven to ourselves that we can do this over and over and over again. But when it shows up, we second-guess ourselves, and then we go to perfectionism. It's— we set impossibly high standards for ourselves, and then we don't take action. We just stay in the how. We gotta figure it out until we get it perfect so that we can avoid making a mistake. 'Cause once we put ourselves out there, we can't make a mistake and we can't fail while other people are watching. So we have to, you know, be perfect at doing it. So we get stuck in perfectionism. And then the, the next thing is We overwork. You know, you feel like you have to work harder and harder and longer hours than everyone else to compensate for something that you believe you don't do well. And so another way it shows up is we avoid challenges. We stick to what we know because of the fear of failure is, you know, something that we don't wanna face. I know I have been so guilty of Avoiding challenges in my life because of that fear of failure, because I'm a person who likes to know, okay, I'm gonna jump, but the net's right there, right? Okay, I'm gonna take that next step. How deep is the tread? How, how deep is the next step? Where's the next step? Can I feel it? Fatipito. And so I also have avoided challenges. And so even when we come down to who is it that we really wanna be, we talk about we hide our true self. We wear different masks. We have different identities. We pretend to be someone we're not so that we're not found out. And I'm going to talk about how to do that more effectively. And one of the things that— another way that it shows up is seeking constant validation. You know, relying on external validation to feel enough, a sense of worth, constantly needing others to tell you that you're doing well, you know? And so I actually have an example of that that happened recently. So I went, um, I did this, this workshop for a very prestigious organization and we had not discussed the terms of the financial compensation.. And so I really wanted to impress them. So I went into the, you know, I went into the, the pre-event discussion honestly, because most of my talks before have been free. And then whenever, now that I'm stepping into bigger arenas, they are no longer free. And so, but for this, specific talk workshop, we hadn't discussed the payment. And to be honest, it was because I just didn't do it because I was seeking constant external validation from them. I wanted them to surprise me, reward me with what they thought I was worth. Therefore, I will now be validated because I earned such and such, and it wasn't what I asked for. They set my worth. Guys, I knew exactly that this was happening. And how many times and how many places in your life are you allowing other people to set your— I don't claim to be perfect. I am a person who is doing this work every single day, just like I am encouraging and inspiring you to do this work every single day. But when we're allowing others to validate us, to tell us what we're worth, what we deserve, then that bar just gets lower and lower and lower. And what we need to do is set our own worth. This is what I deserve, and we back it up with value. And so what I want you to think about right now is what area of your life do you feel like an imposter in? You know, what is the role? Is it You know, in your relationships? Is it in your business? Is it when you're speaking? Is it, you know, you're the HR manager, you're the CEO of the company? Where do you feel like an imposter? So if there is an area, which there probably is an area because we're not immune from this, you know, there's— I know an area in your life, everyone listening to this, this podcast episode, that there is an area in your life where you're like, I feel like I'm a fraud. And how do we overcome this? How do we step more boldly into that situation? Well, this is my process for closing the gap and possibly eliminating imposter syndrome altogether in those situations. So I want you to get— again, think about what is the area of your life where you feel like an imposter? Is it in your relationships? Is it at work? Is it— what is the exact role? And now I want you to think about all those times when you were a kid, when you used your imagination, right? You did, you know, I can save the world. I can be Wonder Woman. I can be Superman, you know, and remember how fun that was. Well, right now I want you to think about that area of your life. What is the version of the person that you need to step boldly into in that situation? And then I want you to define it and give him or her a name. What are the characteristics of that person? So what I'm asking you to do right now is something that I use in my life right now, you know, because what we do is we walk around with these alter egos that we don't really want to have. We have an alter ego for the person that we become when we want to be polite in certain situations. We have an alter ego You know, when we want to not upset people in other situations, when we wanna be, you know, more comedic, we wanna make people laugh, all the things. And so I'm not talking about wearing mask and hiding yourself. I'm talking about in those situations, who is it that you need to become so that you don't have this mind drama, you know, talking about I'm a fraud, I don't belong. And so one of the things that I do is my— I have a speaking alter ego. And once I step into that alter ego, it's game on. And this is something that's been around forever. This is one of the things that I loved about teaching theater for all those years, because I taught students how to step into a character and become that character. And that's what I'm asking you to do right now. Step boldly into that person and become them. And you know, some of the greatest examples— you guys have heard me talk about this on a podcast— is Beyoncé. When Beyoncé first separated herself from Destiny's Child, she took on an alter ego so that she could get out there and perform at the level, you know, that fierce level that she wanted to perform at, because she was a preacher's daughter. And so she had to get over all of that mind chatter of, who do you think you are out here dancing like that? Who do you think you are out here wearing that? And so her alter ego was Sasha Fierce. And then one day she didn't need Sasha Fierce anymore. We're gonna talk about Kobe Bryant, who was the Black Mamba. You know, I, until I started researching and hearing and listening to him on podcasts and on like YouTube, Then I really understood how the Black Mamba helped him to step more boldly into being the player and having the impact that he really wanted to have. You know, the best athletes use alter egos and identities. But you know what? Not everybody needs this. The people who need this are people who are trying to do something that is outside of who they are presently, and there's mind chatter that keeps you paralyzed and stuck in that situation. So if you're stuck and all you're thinking about I'm a fraud, I'm an imposter. You need an alter ego. And so when we talk about defining the role, giving the character a name, now do you need something like include cognition, a costume, something that influences you and your psychological processes? Because it's kind of like, I'm going to pretend I'm going to be a doctor on TV. Well, once you put that lab coat on, Don't you feel more like a doctor? I'm going to be, you know, an intelligent kid. What do we do when we want to be intelligent? We put on glasses. And guys, did you know that Martin Luther King would wear a pair of non-prescription glasses so that he could step into his most distinguished self? And he only wore those glasses when he wrote. We never saw him wearing those glasses, you know, when he was speaking to thousands and thousands. His wife said he had a pair of glasses that were non-prescription. He didn't need, but it would help him take on the characteristics so that he could step into his most distinguished, distinguished self. So what I'm asking you to do is I'm asking you to reinvent you for the thing that you want to do. What is the alter ego you need in that situation? Figure out the version of who actually does that thing What are the characteristics? Give them a name. And one of my very favorite quotes is a Cary Grant quote. And Cary Grant said, "I pretended to be someone I wanted to be until I finally became that person." And with repetition, your alter ego, that's possible. It's like a muscle that you have to build. And I do not know one single person who has ever gone to the gym one time without, you know, having like a flat muscle, and then you go work out in the gym one time and boom, you've got a beautifully built bicep. That doesn't happen. You got to go to the gym for months and months and months, right? And then you got to tweak your nutrition, and then you got to do, you know, get some cardio in, all the things to build that bicep. So with repetition, this is something that's possible, like building a muscle. So remember, it's okay to feel like an imposter from time to time. It doesn't define you, and it doesn't— it certainly doesn't diminish your worth, and it doesn't need to be something that you hang your level of validation on. And in fact, it's often those who question themselves the most who end up achieving the most extraordinary things. So I want you to question yourself and I want you to figure out what is it that I need in this situation? Who is the person I need to become in that situation? So I no longer feel like a fraud. So I no longer have this thing called imposter syndrome. All right, my peeps, take care. We'll talk next week.