151. Navigating Differing Standards in Life | Breakthrough: The Gen X Podcast for Becoming the...

I'm Travia Steward. I want to help you move past barriers and obstacles that are preventing you from getting what you want in life. This is Breakthrough Peeps. Happy Podcast Tuesday! It's Halloween time. There used to be a commercial on the radio that, that was the advertisement. It's Halloween time, and I love that commercial. So Anyway, happy Halloween. If you know, those of you who celebrate Halloween, I know some people, real people in my life that are like, Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday of the year. Now, my absolute favorite holiday is Christmas. So Halloween, eh, I don't do much, you know, for Halloween. Like, as a matter of fact, like a friend of ours used to have Halloween parties and then we would dress up for Halloween, but that was really because she and her husband went out. They had this party, they had these fancy costumes, and so it was almost like you felt out of place if you didn't come in some kind of costume. But now we have, Shelly and I live on a cul-de-sac, and so for Halloween, our neighbors actually have a Halloween party, and I'm telling you, these peeps go all the way. Like right now they have these big old— it looks like, oh man, like 16, 12 to 16 feet, you know, skeletons, you know, like, like they put it on their roof. They've got all these things. They go all out. And so there's some people on our block that, you know, they really do it. They really— these guys, this house at the end of the block, they set the standard, the entire family. Like it's, it's the husband and the wife and they 3 kids, and they always do like a family theme. Like last year they were the Addams Family. It was so cool. So anyway, but I appreciate Halloween, but I don't love Halloween like they love Halloween. And so what I want to talk about is, you know, we've been talking about values, we've been talking about relationships, those— so today on the podcast I want to begin by talking about standards because everyone has a standard and they have standards in their lives. We all have standards in our lives, and we may not think of it every moment intentionally, but we all have standards. You know, the difference in people and how we view other people, how people act, really lies in their standards, you know? And if we really want things to change, we have to raise our standards. And so when I'm talking about standards, I'm talking about things like You know, what you tolerate, you know, what you tolerate from yourself, what you tolerate with other people. And also, what is it that you want? You know, not necessarily that you have to have, because so many times we settle in life about what is it that we have to have, and our standards are just in settling, and it's getting by, and it keeps us playing small and average. And just like we've been talking about values, when it comes to standards, you can, you can tell so much about a person's standards and their quality of life. You can look at someone and look at their physical appearance. If you see, you know, like a, a woman or a man walking past you and they have a physique, you know, like they're a physique competitor on stage, well, you know what their standards are. You know, with their life. And I would venture to guess that we don't look at those people who have a standard for their health and their weight and then see them, you know, smoking like a cigarette. You know, nothing against people who smoke, but I've never seen someone who really, really, you know, cares about their body, you know, wants their body to look and perform at their best, who's also a smoker. You know, we can tell standards by how we live. We can tell standards by, you know, when you walk into someone's home, you know, the level of cleanliness. We can just tell the standards by, you know, when we first see something, when we first are introduced to something. So standards, what are standards? Standards are like, you know, rules or like a benchmark, like a measurement that we use to measure some things in our lives. You know, they're like, you know, the measuring sticks that to see if something, you know, is up up to snuff or not, you know, like, it's like, oh, I have a standard of only driving, you know, the best car ever. And so that's my standard, and I'm not going to drive some little raggedy little Pinto, right? Most of you probably don't even know what a Pinto is, but that's a back-in-the-day kind of car that most— that I don't know anybody, unless you were like just getting your driver's license, where you're like, I would like a Pinto, right? Nobody dreams of driving a Pinto. But anyway, some people have standards. And so today we're going to talk about a all of those standards, you know, that we have in our life. And there's so many times when you can look at someone and know what their standards are. What we're going to talk about is not judging someone's behavior or even their values. We're talking about preferences and reference points for who they are, how they show up, right? Kind of like Guidelines. So guidelines that, you know, sometimes that we follow to keep things on track, to keep things moving and plugging along the way we want them to plug along, because a lot of times standards go along with an identity. And so one of the things that I always work with my clients about is, if you're gonna have this identity, then we have to shift some standards in your life. So picture this. You walk into a friend's home and it is immaculate. Like, my friend, you know, my friend Miriam, I walk into her house even though, like, if we've gone to lunch at, you know, in the middle of the day and we— and it happens to be a surprise that we drop by her house— immaculate every single time. Like, there's never anything, like, except, you know, a bunch of almond M&M's that she wants you to eat. And then she goes, "Haps." And I go, "Girl, put these things up." She goes, "Have some discipline," right? And so we laugh about it, but it doesn't matter what time we drop by her house, it's always immaculate. Every surface is shiny and gleaming. There is not any dust inside. It smells good, like you can see your reflection in the kitchen countertops, right? And on In contrast, you go to another friend's house and there may be shit everywhere. If they have kids, there are toys everywhere. There's food on the floor. Today is Friday. There's food on the floor from Tuesday. And then some of these times, like, I wanna actually go to the closet and get the broom and start sweeping myself. There are dishes in the sink. Now I'm not saying that you have to be perfect, but there are dishes in the sink that are like 5 days old and just, you know, there's just stuff. You gotta move stuff out of the chairs to take a seat. And so these are completely different differences, right? And it's a classic example of how people's standards and level of cleanliness and even orderliness can differ drastically. And so there may be a clean freak, you know, as some of us may affectionately call ourselves, you know, I probably, you know, would fall into that category. I can't tell you, Shelly laughs at me all the time. She, you know, because we have this island in our kitchen and we have these quartz countertops that are white and it doesn't matter. And then we have this, this window that comes in that from a certain angle, you can see everything on the island, every piece of dust. If there's one crumb, if there's sugar from the coffee, whatever that is. And so I, have these wipes that— and I'm telling you, I probably wipe that island down 12 times a day and the countertops 12 times a day. And then sometimes when Shelly's working from home, she's on sabbatical, she laughs at me. She's like, "Oh, wiping the counter down again, huh? Yep. What number is this?" And so I'm like, you know, I don't hide it. That's a standard that I have because I want it to be clean and I love how good it looks. When it is clean. And so when we talk about cleanliness versus the messy house, you have to know if those standards are gonna clash with you. You know, if you are someone who is, you know, a, a clean freak, and then now you're gonna get with someone who don't even pick their underwear up off the floor, you might wanna go, oh, you know, I'm not sure if we align well, or can you actually start picking your stuff up? When we talk about being able to appreciate the aesthetic beauty of a clean space and the attention to detail compared to, you know, someone who is of the mindset of live a little, the dishes can stay in the sink. I don't care if there's shit all over the island. I don't care if my kids, you know, played and threw ravioli all over the floor and it's still there from Tuesday and today's Friday. And some of those people may shrug it off a little and then go, you know, that's just not important to me. And they may argue that life is too short to constantly worry about tidiness and beauty and all that kind of stuff. You know, just be spontaneous. And you know, we don't have to worry about those things. And so one of the things— Shelly and I laugh about this because I do tend to lean towards the cleaner side. And so whenever I wear white tennis shoes, I like to keep them clean. And the second they get dirty, I throw them, you know, I spot clean them. I put them in the washing machine and I, you know, I like clean shoes. Now, Shelly, on the other hand, she buys all these light colored shoes and then sometimes she gets home and at the end of the week I go, Girl, did you work at the garage today? And like, I don't know how she works at a university. I don't know how she gets all this black stuff all over her shoes. And I'm like, and then sometimes I watch her and then one foot is on top of the other foot and I go, girl, you should never buy a light pair of shoes again. She's like, but I like white. I like the light ones. They go with everything. But I'm like, but you're a bit of a pigpen. And you can't keep them clean. Right? And then she goes, and she goes, hmm. And then she'll hand them to me. She's like, will you wash them for me? And of course I wash them. And so that is an example of the two of us just with our shoes. Like just the other day, right? The weather is getting better in Arizona. And we have these Adirondack chairs that we have in our backyard and it was getting, you know, so one day we go out and we're like, Let's go sit in the Adirondack chairs. And we call it sitting in chairs and we love sitting in chairs. And so now we haven't sat in these chairs probably in over a month since we had like a pool day. We've been out of town. There's— we live in Arizona, so it's the desert. So there's dust everywhere. Shelly has on, you know, some light colored shorts and she just goes and sits in the chair. Now I have on, you know, khaki shorts and I go, Don't we need to wipe these off first? Now they're nice chairs because I got them for her for her birthday in August. I'm like, don't we need to wipe these off? These are outside every day. They're full of dust. It's like, no, live a little. It's fine. And she goes, WW. And I'm like, what you mean WW? And she goes, worry wart. And I'm like, just because you're a pigpen, it doesn't make me a worry wart. I just have higher standards. I don't want to sit in dusty chairs. We laugh about it. And this is something that even if she was sitting in here in my office while I'm recording this episode, she would laugh and she'd be like, you just a little worrywart. You just need to live a little. And I go, and so I go in the house and I grab a towel and I wet it and I go, just stand up, just stand up. So I wipe it and then I look at her and she's got all this dust on the back of her shorts. She goes, look, you just wipe it off. And she takes her hand. You can just wipe it off. And so of course I wipe down all of the chairs and then I sit. And so here's the thing, both of these perspectives have merit, right? And the two worlds can collide, but these are very playful ways that we collide. And we don't even collide, you know, we, we lax, lackadaisically talk about it. But you know what? It can lead to some interesting dynamics in friendships, in relationships, in workplaces, and just respecting the other person's views can go a long way. And so if you're the one with the clean freak, you know, Shelly calls me the worrywart because, and I don't feel like I'm a worrywart because I just don't want dust on my shorts. Express our feelings and your feelings without judgment towards the other. And we want to help the other person understand why this, you know, cleanliness is important to me. And she should help me understand why living a little, that she doesn't care about these things, is important to her. And you know what else? It can also be a place where we can find a little bit of compromise. And you know what, for Shelly, because there's so many different things around the house that I love to do the way I want it done, like folding towels. Now I never know how you can just fold each towel differently. Like for me, I fold the big drying towels the same. I fold the small washcloths the same. And then, so Shelly has just decided, well, since you're so particular about the towels, I don't ever have to fold towels again. So you can use that as a way of getting out of doing common household chores. If you are also, let's just live a little. I don't care about the towels, so I'm never going I fooled them again. So as I wrap up this episode, and I hope it was, you know, a lighthearted episode for you, finding a little fun, maybe even in your own relationships, you know. And I know that I am talking about some very lighthearted things, but, you know, standards show up in so many different ways, you know. Like, you can look at someone who is fit, who is in shape, and you know their standards for working out. You can look at someone who dresses to the nines and you know their standards for showing up. I have a couple of friends who in life who are partners, and one of them opens the door for the other person getting in the car, closes the door, you know, if, if she's cold, you know, the other partner takes her jacket off and, you know, just always is like the example of chivalrousness. Not dead. Those are standards. So, so many of us have standards in how we want to be treated in life, how we want to be treated in relationships. We have standards for, you know, what we want to do on the weekend. We have standards for how we want to be spoken to in our personal life, in our relationships, at work, you know, by our parents. There's so many different angles in which we're able to discern What are the standards that make you the person that you are today? And so again, the key to all of this in your relationship is communication. And so, because the world is full of beautifully diverse people and who like their homes and like their things the way they like them. And so we have differing standards in life that make us unique. And when we learn to appreciate and respect those differences, we can build stronger and better, more fun and harmonious relationships. So I wanna leave you with this thought today. As life is a, a melting pot of perspectives and values and standards, how can we embrace the diversity around us? And for all of the differences, how can we find it as a rich human experience? So which standards in your life, whether it's cleanliness, whether it's being orderly or something entirely different, truly reflect your authentic self? And how can you honor, embrace, and embrace those standards while respecting the diversity and the perspective of others around you. All right, my peeps, have the most beautiful rest of your week, and we'll talk next week.